Autonomy: "Help yourself when you are thirsty. Cups are in the cupboard. You can look after that on your own now. You don't need my help-you're capable." "Help yourself when you are thirsty. Cups are in the cupboard. You can look after that on your own now. You don't need my help-you're capable."

The amount of choice a child has should increase with age. If you are power struggling, you're holding on to choice options that your children are ready to make for themselves. It's hard not to Chapter Five 129.

infantilize our youth. These types of fights are our reminders that we are holding them back from growing. We have to let go.

In the next example, little Pauline grows up and is gradually offered more choice. Notice her budding autonomy and self-reliance, which helps provide the crucial C of becoming capable. In addition, as Pauline becomes marvelously talented at managing herself, she is directed away from a self-interested mindset and pointed towards "supporting the team." Let's have a look: No Choice: No Choice: "Here is your dinner, Pauline." "Here is your dinner, Pauline."

Limited Choice: "Would you like to pick some vegetables to have with our supper?" "Would you like to pick some vegetables to have with our supper?"

Full Choice: "Would you like to choose what the family eats for supper on Monday nights?" "Would you like to choose what the family eats for supper on Monday nights?"

Full Choice with Responsibility: "What would you like to learn to cook for us so you can make and serve the Monday meal?" "What would you like to learn to cook for us so you can make and serve the Monday meal?"

Autonomy: "Thanks for that great meal! It's so nice to come home to dinner being ready. I'll do the dishes; the cook has already done the hard work." "Thanks for that great meal! It's so nice to come home to dinner being ready. I'll do the dishes; the cook has already done the hard work."

Common Parenting Pitfall: Stuck by Their Refusal to Make a Choice I love the idea of offering choices, but when I ask Jules if he wants to have apple juice or orange juice, he doesn't answer.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Jules, you smart boy! He is seeking power, and, boy, does he hold it in his silence. I recommend in these situations that you still off er choice: "Would you like to decide on your juice, or shall I?"

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If Jules still doesn't speak up with his choice, then his behavior states his choice (the choice is to have you decide) to which you can respond, "I see you would like me to decide. Okay, here is your apple juice."

Yes, yes, Jules will probably cry now because this was a power dance that made him feel big and you just changed your dance steps. "The time for deciding has come and gone. I can see you're disappointed. You can choose differently next time." Nothing else needs to be said. Move along to the next activity and don't dwell on the past.

POWER SHIFTING: LET ROUTINES BE THE BOSS.

Another way of ensuring that we don't accidently come off looking like the family dictator, wielding power and expecting obedience, is to let the routines of the family be the boss. This is similar to looking to the needs of the situation for guidance. It allows us to say. "We do this because it's the routine of the family," rather than "because I say so."

As a parent, it's our job to establish and maintain the routines of the home to prevent chaos from erupting. Our children actually respond very well to having a structure. They appreciate having expectations, limits and boundaries. These are like the walls of a nest that make them feel safely hemmed in and protected.

Many power struggles erupt when we break from the routines, or when we think we have routines but we don't really. Let me give you an example: Petra has always made it part of the daily routine to have the toy room cleaned up before supper. When the children were small, she would help them, showing them where Chapter Five 131.

things belonged on the shelf, and helping them place certain items in a big bin and other items on the shelf. Th e riding toys were parked in the corner, the connector set in a Tupperware container. The children eventually learned all about how to clean up, and so Petra handed this responsibility to them. "You know all there is to know about cleaning up your play area. You don't need my help or instruction anymore. From now on that is your job to do before supper."

Th e first night, they didn't want to do the cleanup. But Mom enforced this by stating the routine that they had been following for as long as they could remember: "When your play room is cleaned up, then I'll know it's time for dinner."

This is called a when/then statement, and it both empowers the child and states the routine as boss. Compare that statement to, "No dinner until that play room is cleaned up." The latter statement is a threat. Mom lords power over the children saying, "Do as I say or else. . . ."

Let's look at some more examples of excellent when/then statements: * When your teeth are brushed, I'll know you're ready for juice.

* When your coat is on, I'll know you're ready to go out and build a snowman.

* When your crayons are picked up, I'll know you're ready for the next activity.

* When your job is done, I'll know you're ready for your video.

* When your room is all tidy, I'll know you're ready for company to come in.

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Common Parenting Pitfall: Thinking You're Being Routine When You're Not Talia and her mom are fighting. Talia wants to stay up; Mom says it's her bedtime. It's a power struggle, and Mom is determined to win because she has the best ammunition in her mind: it is late for a little growing girl (needs of the situation) and 8 p.m. is Talia's bedtime (let the routine be boss).

Why is this going off the rails? Well, it turns out that Talia's 8 p.m.

bedtime exists only in Mother's mind. It is not the established routine.

Mom tries to "aim" for 8 p.m., but if Talia is good company and Mom doesn't want to be alone because her partner is working the late shift , she keeps Talia up with her. However, if Talia is grumpy or if her partner is home in the evening, she sends Talia to bed, sometimes earlier, sometimes later.

Mom would be acting in ways that were more respectful to Talia and to the social order, if every evening the bedtime was the same. Regardless of Mom's need for company or Talia's mood, the deciding factor is the clock! No personal power, just a fact. It's 8 p.m., and that is bedtime. If Mom sticks to this routine, the fights will end and Talia won't negotiate bedtime. She will accept it as just the way things are, and it will become automatic.

Try it. Think about the area where most power struggles are created in your own home and ask yourself if you have properly established and enforced the routines that your children are to be following.

Common Parenting Pitfall: Gatekeeping "Mommy, can you buy me this book?"133.

It's anybody's guess as to whether Mom will say yes or no to this request. A million thoughts race through your parenting brain when asked a question like this: * Is it a book I like, too?

* When did I buy the last one?

* Is it under $20 and really doesn't count as a considerable purchase?

* What day does the mortgage payment come out?

* Do I feel generous today? Am I in a good mood?

* Did you make a fuss leaving kindergym this morning?

* Are you healthy? (Being sick helps with getting things bought for you-sympathy and all.) Mom holds all of the power in this scenario. She decides yes or no. That is fine when our children are very young, but if we start to encounter power struggles, it's time to think things through again.

How do we keep our parenting authority without gatekeeping?

Is there a way to hand this decision over to the child? Can we make our decision-making process more transparent so it doesn't feel so arbitrary?

It may be time to start an allowance that has books in the budget.

Or, Mom might reveal that she is willing to buy two books a month.

Now, at least, the child understands that when Mom says " no," it's not because of her personally kyboshing the request arbitrarily-she's just following the "two books a month" rule.

Ian used to fight with his dad every day at school. He didn't want to go home. He wanted to stay and play. Until he learned about gatekeeping and arbitrary power, Dad would fight, and sometimes he would win and they would go home.

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Other times Ian would win and they would stay and play for a bit. Every day was a fight, though. After Dad saw that they had no routine for their play schedule and that he was acting as the gatekeeper, exerting arbitrary power, he made a change. Ian and Dad pulled out a calendar and made a plan to stay late at the school to play on Wednesdays and Fridays. On Mondays, Tuesdays and Th ursdays they would go straight home. This worked out for both of them because the fights ended, and both Ian and Dad actually enjoyed their playtime more when they were both in the mood for it.

JOINT PROBLEM-SOLVING.

Ian and Dad solved their problem! They stopped fighting and got to win/win. I can't stress enough how important it is for our children who are missing the crucial C of feeling capable to get to this step.

If they won't eat salad-that is a problem that needs a solution.

If they won't go to bed-that is a problem that needs a solution.

If they won't brush their teeth-that is a problem that needs a solution.

If your children fight over your refusal to buy them a book or leaving the playground or cleaning up before dinner-WHATEVER!- these fights should all be viewed as family problems in need of a solution rather than a misbehavior that needs disciplinary action.

It's a very different way to frame the situation in your mind.135.

When we get into our "policing" mindset, we tend to want to use logical consequences to correct the child's behavior. However, and I need you to get a highlighter and mark this page now: LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES are NOT a good tool for power struggles. They always come off wrong. It's too easy to look powerful when enacting a logical consequence-and besides, there are better tools.

Let me share a story I learned from Jane Nelson, author of the Positive Discipline series of books, which beautifully ill.u.s.trates the diff erence: A teacher was at her wit's end trying to get her students to be more punctual at recess. She spoke with the children. "Every day people are coming in late from recess and it's cutting into our instruction time. What would be a good punishment?" The children came up with things like: * Write the pupils' names on the board.

* Send them to the princ.i.p.al's office for the aft ernoon.

* Make them write out, "I will not be late coming in from recess," 100 times.

* Make them clean the blackboard brushes.

The teacher in the next room didn't believe in punishment, but he too had troubles with his children coming in on time at recess.

He asked his students, "What is a good logical consequence for being late coming in from recess?" The students off ered: * Stay in aft er school.

* Miss that many minutes the next recess.

* Take that many minutes off our gym cla.s.s.

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A third teacher put this issue on the agenda to be discussed with her students during their weekly cla.s.sroom meeting. During the meeting, the teacher said, "I have a problem I need some help with. I have only so many minutes of instruction time each day.

People are getting in late from the recess bell and so it cuts into my teaching time. How can we do this better? Does anyone have any ideas for solving this problem?"

Posed as a problem that the teacher was having, and presented during a time of peace, the children volunteered very diff erent answers: * The bell is very quiet, and when you are playing soccer in the field, you can't really hear it that well. You don't know it has rung till you look up and notice that everyone is going in.

Can you ask them to turn up the bell?

* What if the schoolyard monitor carried a hand bell, and when the school bell rings, they walked to the edge of the tarmac and started ringing the bell so we could hear it?

* What if we did the same thing as we do in frozen tag where each person becomes "it" and spreads the word to the next person that the bell has rung?

* What if recess was longer so we could get a whole game in, and then lunch was shorter? You just get outside and you have to come back in!

Wow, hey? There is big difference in the types of answers you generate from children when you ask the question diff erently. I think it's clear that asking for solutions to problems is much more powerful at getting to the heart of the matter. Children have so much to contribute if we are willing to listen. Our children are willing to Chapter Five 137.

live within the rules they help to establish. It empowers them, and it stimulates co-operation.

My own children and I had a problem with them leaving their socks in the family room. A punishment would be to yell about it, a consequence might be to confiscate the socks so they can't fi nd them. But instead I asked, "How can we solve this?"

My girls said they didn't like going all the way upstairs to their bedroom to put their socks in the laundry hamper, but they suggested that if they had a little basket in the mudroom, they could take them off and leave them in the basket there instead of in the family room.

They'd take them up to their room on one of their trips upstairs later in the evening or later that week. BRAVO! I don't have to fi nd smelly socks in the couch cushions and they don't have to make that extra trip upstairs. Brilliant.

What better training for everyone in your family to learn how to get along than joint problem-solving? Instead of one person dominating, we seek a truly equitable solution that does not belittle or tyrannize anyone. Our children will learn skills of co-operation that will help them get along with their cla.s.smates, friends, col-leagues, and in their intimate relationships and families of their own. Healthy, respectful relationships with proper power balances allow us to be tightly connected and enriched. What a gift to give our children.

Let's look next at the child with the mistaken goal of revenge and see what happens if we don't successfully solve the power issues in our family.

CHAPTER SIX.

REVENGE.

When Diane went to load groceries into the backseat of her car, she was shocked and horrified to discover that the leather seat had been peed on. Earlier that day she had a fi ght with Wyatt over all the toys and wrapper mess he had made in the backseat, and she forced him to clean up his side. She was particularly frustrated because his brother was able to keep his side of the car neat and tidy-clearly this wasn't about a lack of ability or not being taught how to keep a s.p.a.ce tidy.

She pointed this out to Wyatt, "Look at your brother's side.

He is always so tidy. Why can't you be?"

It seems he cleaned his mess alright, but left a "little something" for Mother to let her know just exactly how he feels. Wyatt thinks, "I'll never be as good as my brother in my mom's eyes, but why must she constantly rub my nose in it?"

Wyatt's goal was to seek revenge and hurt his mother as he felt hurt by her. It worked! But, he isn't a "bad seed." He's discouraged, just like Lewis in the story below.

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Lewis' teacher accused him of roughing up another boy and sent him to the princ.i.p.al's office. It was the third time that week he had sat on those chairs outside the office where every pa.s.serby noticed that there is something wrong with him. On the way, Lewis stopped in the boys'

room and clogged up one of the toilets with paper hand towels. "Everyone in this school hates me. Well guess what?

It's mutual." he justified to himself as he fl ushed another wad down.

Lewis and Wyatt are two hurtin' kids. They want to believe they are better than the way people see them. Somehow they can't fi nd their way out of the trap they are in. In their anger and hurt, they lash out and retaliate. They "even the score" because the alternative is to accept being degraded. Th ey find their crucial C of proving they count by reacting to their perceived mistreatment. The retaliation protects their ego from the a.s.saults they experience. But it has cost them their reputations, and they have been cast in roles that make people expect the worst from them. Guess what? They deliver. Abhorrent behaviors abound.

In this chapter we're on a mission to change the way we deal with children who are trying to prove they count through the mistaken goal of revenge.

PRESCRIPTION FOR REVENGE: STOP INFLICTING PAIN.

AND HEAL THE HURT.

Since children who seek revenge never strike first, it's a fairly straightforward prescription for change: stop the hurting and help the healing. This is your last call folks: if you have been using punishment as your parenting method, it's really time to stop.

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