CHAPTER SEVEN.

a.s.sUMED INADEQUACY.

Please Hear What I Am Not Saying by Charles Finn by Charles Finn Don't be fooled by me Don't be fooled by this mask I wear For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks Masks that I am afraid to take off And none of them are me Pretending is an art that is second nature with me Don't be fooled I give you the impression that I am secure That the water's calm and I am in command And that I need no one But please, don't believe me, please My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask Beneath lies no smugness, no complacency Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear and in aloneness.

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I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed That is why I frantically create a mask to hide behind To shield me from the glance that knows But such a glance is precisely my salvation. And I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance.

If it's followed by love It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself From my own self-built prison walls It is the only thing that will a.s.sure me of what I cannot a.s.sure myself, That I am really worth something But I don't tell you this, I don't dare I am afraid to I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.

I'm afraid that deep down I am nothing That I am no good Only you can call me into aliveness Each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging Each time you try to understand because you really care With your sensitivity and sympathy And your power of understanding You can breathe life into me Please try to beat down these walls with firm but gentle hands Who am I, you may wonder I am someone you know very well . . .

Reprinted in an abbreviated form by permission of Charles Finn. For the complete version see www.poetrybycharlescfi nn.com.191.

No child is going to do a better job of convincing you that you have "wrecked them" than the child whose goal is a.s.sumed inadequacy.

These children are the most discouraged of the lot. They have been trying tirelessly to find their sense of belonging and importance and, sadly, they have failed repeatedly.

Why is that? What happens in the life of our children that they can't find their way to love and acceptance, to signifi cance and belonging? They want it from us, and we want to give it to them.

How come we don't line up? Crazy, isn't it?

Every parent needs to learn the critical information in this chapter because it will help solve that impa.s.se, and get our children back on the path to good mental health.

Whether you're dealing with attention, power, revenge or a.s.sumed inadequacy, the one major antidote for all discouragement is the same: encouragement. It's time to figure out what encouragement is all about-how we can give it, where we mess up and how to get better at it.

Misbehavior is the symptom.

Discouragement is the disease.

Encouragement is the cure.

-Betty Lou Bettner So you see, I have left the best for last! There is no more profound skill than to learn to be an encouraging person. People are naturally drawn to encouragers. They have a certain aura about them. You enjoy being in their company because you feel you are the best version of yourself when they are around. On closer inspection, you realize that the "best" version of you is your authentic self, allowed to be 192 fully expressed. Being an encouraging parent is a gift (and indeed medicine) you can give your children. It's also a skill to develop and a mindset to possess.

Unfortunately, typical child-rearing practices being what they are, our children are faced with years of discouraging experiences. In the case of children who have the goal of a.s.sumed inadequacy, their track record of discouraging experiences is longer and they feel their discouragement more deeply. They start to abandon hope that there is any way left for them to belong and feel significant.

These children develop a deep fear that they may really be worthless and unlovable. This belief doesn't happen over night, or from one bad day. For these children, it's the end of a long journey of trying. It's human nature to toil in order to overcome some feelings of inferiority, but when we lose all hope of ever overcoming them, we give up. That is why I urge every parent to read this chapter. If your child has not yet hit this deep level of discouragement, this chapter will teach you how to prevent it.

UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD WITH THE GOAL.

OF a.s.sUMED INADEQUACY.

The dance of a.s.sumed inadequacy is concerned with the child's goal to protect themselves. They do a good job of it too. After all, drastic times call for drastic measures. I can understand their choice of tactics. I mean, if you were close to bankrupt, what better security than to h.o.a.rd your last few dollars in a secret place?

These kids are like a turtle that has pulled its head back into its sh.e.l.l. They avoid being judged poorly by staying out of the judge's circle. It's a brilliant method of coping really, but maladaptive.

We want our children to engage in life without the fear of failure Chapter Seven 193.

constraining their efforts. We want to inspire them to grow and be all they can be.

At least, we wanted that for them at one time. The brilliance of this dance is that parents become discouraged as well. Now Mom and Dad have come to believe they can't help their children. Th ey lose hope of improving their children. Finally, parents throw their hands in the air and say, "We give up," convinced they have tried every conceivable thing to get their children out of this foxhole they have dug for themselves.

Duping Mom and Dad is the child's creative solution to get away from pressure to "try, try, try" to be better than they are. When Mom and Dad finally throw their hands in their air and say, "We give up-we've done everything, there is no hope for this child," the child has actually achieved what they set out to do.

"HALLLELUIJAH!" says the child with the goal of a.s.sumed inadequacy. "Finally, some relief from the pressure to be better and to be more. I've managed to disappoint them for so long and so consistently that they have finally given up on me and hopefully now they will just let me be. My little scheme is working! I don't want to try. I don't want to even be noticed. Leave me alone."

That is the payoff. "I will act with an air of inadequacy that is so convincing, you will stop trying to make me 'better.' "

Along with the proper diagnostic steps set out in Chapter 3, you will notice these children have a diff erent feel about them.

While attention kids are more like pesky flies and power kids come out with two fists swinging, living with children whose goal is a.s.sumed inadequacy is like living with Eeyore. They can be slow and slouchy, showing no ambition, which usually means another sibling or the parents do. Th ey often slack off or fail at school, which usually means there is already a high-achieving scholar in the family, 194 and they are more likely to be layabouts. These are likeable people that everyone else wants to "fi x." They either avoid activities all together, or else they start a project and then quickly abandon it.

In fact, they don't like new initiatives at all. Let's see if we can fi nd out more about why this is so, by gaining a better understanding of "courage."

BORN WITH COURAGE.

No child is born discouraged. In fact, quite the opposite. Babies are born with what we call "native courage." This is the courage to stand naked and exposed to our fellow man, to show others our whole being. With native courage, we reveal our true selves to others even though we are flawed, humble and imperfect beings. It's the courage to be imperfect and the courage to try. Even in the face of potential failure we are willing to reveal our inadequacies publicly.

Now that's courage!

If you can handle that, my friend, you have got the very best of life. It's mighty wonderful to be able to stand boldly and say to the world, "Here I am. And right now, as flawed as I am, I am okay just the way I am." Now that's a healthy self-esteem.

"Imagine what you could do if you knew you could not fail."

-Unattributed Every new life is wired to follow a path of maturing, developing, unfolding and evolving across the life cycle. At any given time, we are "less" than the completed version of ourselves that we are working towards. So every person at each moment is an "imperfect"

version of their completed self. See, we do just keep getting better!195.

I guess our most perfect day is the day we die, because then we are as complete as we will ever be.

The baby wants to become the adult, just as sure as a tadpole wants to progress towards a frog, a caterpillar towards a but-terfly. We don't need to spur them on or given them stickers or money to motivate them. Nonsense. It's natural. Our kids want to become adults and join society as a full-fledged, contribut-ing member.

And tadpoles, caterpillars and babies all feel just fi ne about the struggle to get there. A tadpole doesn't feel like a failed frog. A baby who is struggling to learn to walk and talk doesn't feel she is inferior. Babies blissfully go about learning. They aren't humiliated when they say "ba ba ba," even if everyone else is saying "supercali-fragilisticexpialidocious."

But along the way something changes. Our children begin for-mulating mental constructs about themselves, others, the world and how it all operates together. Parents set the stage and our children get swept up in it. We create the illusion or paint a fiction that there is a scale of worth and that you can rise up or fall down depending on what you do and how you "perform."

THE SLIPPERY POLE OF SUPERIORITY.

Most of us operate as if this pole really existed, the pole that says people at the top are worth more than people at the bottom. But the pole is slippery. We have to grip it desperately and try constantly to crawl up. It's hard work!

But even after we hit the top of the pole and reach our des-tination of being supposedly "superior" to others, we're never sure we can keep our grasp. The higher we raise ourselves up the illusionary pole, the further we fear we may plummet. Th e pole itself creates anxiety.

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The superiority pole creates a sense of transience that leaves people deeply unsettled, as if it could all be fleeting; as if we are only as good as the last good thing we did. We can't ever relax and just be. It sucks up all our energies that could be better used getting on with life and growing. We're so consumed with not losing our position on the pole that we become very cautious and fearful of anything that would jeopardize our position. Do any of the below describe you?

* Have you ever shied away from hosting a dinner party, fear-ing it might be a fl op? Think of all the friends and fun you've missed because you're fearful your cooking isn't up to par, or your house is not pretty enough to entertain.

* Do you avoid trying a new hairstyle because you're fearful it might look bad? How horrid can a bad cut be? Will you die?

Hair grows back. Have fun with your renewable resource.

Since when did bad hair make you a lesser person?

* Have you pa.s.sed up a job opportunity thinking, "I'll never get that." Have you ever flubbed at something, then made the proclamation, "I am never doing THAT again!"

* Think of your children now. If your son tries a math problem and can't get it right away, does he crumple the paper and give up? If you try to teach your children a new skill, do they say "forget it," if they can't immediately get the hang of it?

Well, someone needs to tell the Emperor his bits and tackle are flying in the wind: there is no pole. You are safe! We don't need to prove our worth. It was never in question. We don't have to earn Chapter Seven 197.

it, and we never have to fear losing it. We need not worry about a "failure" that could knock us downwards. A failure means only that we made a mistake we can learn from. It can't take away from the valuable human that you are.

How wonderful does that feel? To know that right now, as you are, in this moment, you are all that you have to be. Once you can believe that, you are free to tackle life fearlessly.

So which mindset or narrative do you want your children to learn? What will you teach them? We can parent in ways that will create "pole climbers" who are preoccupied with their ego and how they compare to others. Or we can raise "path walkers." We can choose to pave a path and guide our children down a road that has no ego concerns. This is the encouragement path that is dedicated to helping our children grow and develop so they can fully self-actualize.

CHOOSE TO RAISE A "PATH WALKER"

We can choose to adopt a different narrative. We can raise our children in a family that does not buy into the pole of superiority fi ction.

Instead we can be guided by a more meaningful and constructive narrative about people and their life journey. We can refuse to believe and partic.i.p.ate in the habit of evaluating people's worth and merit based on judging their performance. We can agree that all humans are born in complete wonder, and that they don't have to prove or perform in order to earn acceptance or love. We can reject the notion of "good, better and best" people. If we don't, we're creating conditions that will see the rise of another Hitler. Who dares decide who is "better" than others?

Following this new path leads to mastery, not superiority.

This path embraces human differences rather than imposing judgment. Sure, an A in math is better than a B, but that simply 198 indicates that right now you know more about math, not that you are a better person.

This approach knows that you are able to develop yourself, and that the more mistakes you can bear to make, the more you are trying new things and living life at your growing edge! This path also appreciates the gifts and talents of each person and pays attention to those strengths.

Children raised in a family that operates under the belief that life is concerned with upward striving can easily become discouraged. Their internal world gets shaped and arranged very diff erently from the encouraged child.

WAYS WE SHUT KIDS DOWN AND.

HOW TO DEVELOP THEIR COURAGE INSTEAD.

There are so many subtle ways that we accidentally discourage or "shut down" our kids in our day-to-day dealings with them. Unless it's pointed out, most of us would never realize it. Of course, once I make you aware of it, you'll find examples everywhere, and you'll realize just how prevalent this issue is for children.

Parents often tell me after learning about the encouragement and discouragement process that it almost pains them to overhear the conversations between most adults and children. Let's look at a few common scenarios together so you catch my drift. I am sure there are a few scenarios here you'll recognize from your own personal repertoire. Don't beat yourself up if you discover you've been shutting your kids down. Before this book, you didn't know-now you do. That's all. Remember, mistakes are opportunities to learn.

No ego worries anymore, okay? You're not a "bad parent." If any of the following scenes were stolen from your living room, it is because you were operating with less knowledge, and now you have more information. You're in a position now to make a conscious choice to Chapter Seven 199.

adjust your parenting approach and benefit from what you've learned.

It should feel exciting. (This was an example of being encouraging by building on strengths and minimizing mistakes. It feels good, doesn't it?) Build Confidence in Your Child's Competency and Skills Children are born with few skills and competencies; they must develop them. Their lack of skill can be a source of their inferiority feelings, so it's best if we work to encourage them to overcome these inabilities and become competent. We can either inspire them in the process, or we can emphasize their defi ciencies.

For instance, say Jamie wants to pour his own milk and Mom says, "No, Jamie, that's Mommy's job. You'll spill it." Jamie's mom has just given him a vote of non-confidence. What she is really saying is, "I don't believe in your abilities," and she has snubbed his natural desire to take initiative.

How many similar comments have you heard along the same vein that emphasize children's inferiorities? Let's look at some examples, followed by an alternative comment that provides encouragement: "You're too little to use a knife." ("Would you like to try using a b.u.t.ter knife? After some practice with that, I'll show you how to use a sharp knife carefully.") "That slide is for big kids; come use this little one." ("I can see how careful you are being, crawling way up that big slide!") "No skateboarding, you'll kill yourself." ("You can try the skateboard if you're interested, but you must be wearing the proper safety equipment.") 200.

"I know you like hockey, but I wouldn't be dreaming of the NHL, buddy." ("I am so excited that you have found something you are pa.s.sionate about-go for it!") "That's breakable; let your big brother put the ornament on the tree." ("This ornament is made of gla.s.s and is breakable. Can you show me how you use your careful hands with this one?") Develop Confidence in Your Child's Judgment Besides physical competencies and skills, our children need to develop their cognitive abilities and sense of judgment. This is also part of moving from undeveloped to developed, from being a neophyte to approaching mastery. Children flex their judgment muscle if they get a chance to exercise it and learn from their mistakes. We prohibit growth if we overstep them and undermine their abilities to make judgments for themselves. Here are some examples, followed by alternative comments that show confidence in the child's judgment: "Put your sweater on; it's chilly." ("I am wearing my sweater today. It's too chilly out there for me, but I trust you to decide that for yourself.") "Two more bits of stew before you get down from the table. . ."

("I am sure you know your tummy best and can tell for yourself when to stop.") "That's not enough of a gift for a best friend; get him something else." ("Looks like you have chosen exactly what you'd like to give as a gift .") Notice Efforts and Improvements The only way that children can approach mastery is to make an effort and work through a series of sequential improvements. Rarely Chapter Seven 201.

does anyone embark on something new and do it perfectly the first time. If we want to encourage our children to "stick with it"

and continue to develop, we have to be encouraging of the process.

That means we must focus on the value of making an eff ort, and recognize improvement as the goal. If we only value perfection, our children will feel discouraged every time they come up short.

For instance: "Oh look, you made your bed; let Mommy fix those wrinkles for you." ("Wow, I can see you worked really hard on that!") "You call this clean?" ("You sure take pride in your bedroom. I see you've got everything picked up off the floor and all your clothes put away.") "Ninety-seven out of 100? What happened to the last three marks?" ("Your hard work is paying off .") Take a Positive Att.i.tude about Making Mistakes Mistakes are a necessary part of the learning process. Embrace mistakes as opportunities to learn, and you encourage growth and persistence that will lead to mastery. If we ostracize children for mistakes, those mistakes will be perceived as failures and children will begin to lose courage. They will restrict their experiences and stop trying anything that may yield a mistake. Consider these scenarios: "Oh, now, look at the mess you've made." You've got pancake batter all over the countertops." ("You made pancakes! I can't wait to try one. Cleaning up is a part of cooking and baking, so let me show you which type of cloths we use for these types of spills.") 202.

"That's not right; let me look after it." ("Looks like you're working on a plan. Keep at it; you'll figure it out.") "Now you've ruined it." ("I guess that didn't work the way you expected, but I am sure you can work around it somehow.") "You had the wrong dates-if you'd just stop and think for a change." ("Oh, I have had that happen to me! What a merry mix-up life can be sometimes. Oh well. We'll live.") Develop Your Children's Abilities to Handle Themselves and Life Situations When we are young, the b.u.mps in the road of life are small. As we have more and more experiences of getting over little hurdles successfully, we gain skill and belief in ourselves to be able to face progressively larger moguls. Encouraged children have faith they can manage. However, if we intervene and rescue our children from facing their own personal struggles, we stunt this development and discourage them into believing they can't manage. Consider these diff erent approaches: "I think you should have gotten a higher mark; I am going to talk to your teacher about this." ("It sounds like you have a legitimate concern about the marking. You should bring it up with your teacher and see what she has to say.") "My daughter is shy; she doesn't like to talk to strangers. She wants the grilled cheese and French fries." ("It's your job to speak for yourself. I am sure you will do just fine. When you are interested enough, I am sure you'll muster up the courage to do it.") "That boy has been nothing but a problem to you. I think you should end the friendship and move on." ("I am here if you Chapter Seven 203.

want to talk about it, but I am convinced you can straighten this fight out with your friend.") "Your father is clueless; let me talk to him." ("I can understand how you must be feeling. I am happy to listen and offer a hug, but I am convinced that you can handle this matter with your dad directly.") When we change the messages we send our children, it alters their beliefs about themselves. These encouraging messages are rich with the positive Crucial C's and help counter those feelings of being disconnected, incapable, discounted and without courage.

Now some readers might be thinking to themselves, "Who would ever talk to their children so negatively? Didn't they learn anything about self-esteem building and being positive?" These days, many parents have decided that ensuring their child is cheerful all the time will result in them being encouraged children.

WRONG.

Here are the three pitfalls that cheery parents need to keep an eye out for.

Protecting from "Bad" Emotions Please don't think that by delivering the disappointing news that "this is the last game of Candy Land before bed," you are somehow discouraging your child. Expect children to be upset or disappointed about having to face some of the demands of life. Th ere are limits and boundaries that must be enforced and respected.

b.u.mmer. You are not being discouraging. In fact, quite the opposite.

By showing them they can manage to live within limits, children learn they can manage. When we bend the rules for our kids, we are being discouraging because the deeper message is that we don't think they can handle it. Don't feel a child must always be gleeful 204 to be encouraged. Don't feel it's your job to cajole your children into happiness at all times. Just be supportive as your children face perceived hardship.

Encouraging Our Children While Berating Ourself or Others Sure, you would never be harsh on Timmy if he accidently made the mistake of grabbing the unopened end of the bag, thereby scattering chocolate chips in a million directions. Sure, chocolate is poison to a dog, and Mollie the golden retriever is lapping up as many as she can while you chase her with the broom. But don't worry, Timmy; it was an accident. Let's get it cleaned up together and try again. Sure, you would never be harsh on Timmy if he accidently made the mistake of grabbing the unopened end of the bag, thereby scattering chocolate chips in a million directions. Sure, chocolate is poison to a dog, and Mollie the golden retriever is lapping up as many as she can while you chase her with the broom. But don't worry, Timmy; it was an accident. Let's get it cleaned up together and try again.

But what if you accidently upended the bag? What if you burnt the cookies you both worked on? If you forgot to stop and pick up the dry cleaning? Are you just as gentle on yourself as you are on Timmy? Or do you take a strip off your own side? "I can't believe I did that. Where is my head today? I am so mad at myself!

GRRRR. . ."

You can bet that Timmy is taking in those messages, too. What do you think he makes of that? "Gee, Mom does like perfection and Mom does judge people. Boy, she sure doesn't forgive her little mistakes!" The message received might become, "If she doesn't like her own mistakes, then she probably doesn't much care for mine either. She was covering up."

You can see that we have to be more global in the messages we send to our children. That means to be encouraging as a person, you have to embody the idea wholeheartedly and live your own life with this belief. So ask yourself: are mistakes okay? How many have you made today? I recommend you make a good fi ve or 10 mistakes a day. That means you're living on the edge of your growth curve too.

Otherwise, you're playing it safe. GROW! It's exhilarating.205.

Confusing Encouragement with Praise Ever since the University of California at Berkeley days of "Everyone's a winner and everyone gets a trophy!" we've been loading on the compliments to our children in an attempt to create good self-esteem. Ever since the University of California at Berkeley days of "Everyone's a winner and everyone gets a trophy!" we've been loading on the compliments to our children in an attempt to create good self-esteem.