That's it in a nutsh.e.l.l, but it gets a bit more complicated in practice.

Let's break it down into steps that can be practiced and mastered: Pay Attention Pay Attention Oh, we are all so busted! How ironic that we complain about children being "mother deaf," when they have just as valid a complaint of parents being "kid deaf." They're trying to tell us about their day at school and we're unloading the dishwasher, writing a grocery list and stirring the chili on the stove, all at the same time. "I'm listening, I'm listening" we lie.

Studies on listening reveal that we remember somewhere between 25 to 50 percent of what we hear.

So, if we really want to be an active listener, we need to give our undivided attention. Even if that means saying, "Honey, what you are saying is important to me and I want to hear everything you are saying. I am having trouble paying attention because dinner is almost ready and I am trying to get it on the table. Can we fi nd a time to talk when I can pay full attention?"

Now, if your child is in distress, nothing is more affi rming of their tight kerning importance in your life than to say, "Let me turn off the chili-dinner can wait. Let's find a place we can sit and talk."

It's important to not be mult.i.tasking in your mind either. If your thoughts are on something else, you won't be able to pay attention.

Keep your focus on the current conversation and on what is being said. Your job is to understand. That means you need to snap yourself out of trying to build your reb.u.t.tal while the other person is talking.

Just listen and try to understand.

Show You Are Listening Your children will be more likely to continue talking if they feel they are being heard. That means you can give indicators that they have your attention and that you're taking in everything they are saying.

Things like nodding, smiling, or giving a little "uh-huh." Use any 180 facial expression that says you're following along. Check to make sure your body posture is non-defensive, that it's open and inviting.

If you lean back with legs and arms crossed, you seem closed, cut off and distant. Instead, uncross your arms and legs, and lean in a bit. This is much more warm and inviting.

While eye contact is usually recommended for active listening, if relations with your child are very strained, it may be threatening.

In those cases, you may wish to try lying side by side on a bed, both looking at the ceiling together, or sit on the floor back to back. You can also go for a drive while having tough conversations. Th ese all work to help the child feel safe enough to open up.

Provide Feedback Perhaps the hardest part of active listening is preventing our own personal biases, beliefs, filters and judgment from skewing what we hear. To ensure this has not happened, we have to repeat back what we have understood. It's helpful to start your paraphrase with, "sounds like your saying . . . " or "what I am hearing you say is. . . . "

This gives the child an opportunity to correct any misunderstandings and also to feel really understood.

Here are some examples: "I HATE my teacher!"

Response: "Sounds like you had a rough day at school. Do you want to talk about it?"

"You never like anything I do!"

Response: "What I am hearing you say is that you're angry with me, and you feel like I am critical or negative of you?"

"I don't want to go home yet!"

Response: "Sounds like you're disappointed our good time has to come to an end."181.

"I wish Gramma were alive."

Response: "Sounds like you're really missing her."

"Stop telling me what to do."

Response: "What I am hearing is that it really irks you when I offer my advice if you haven't asked for it."

Since you are trying to get a clear understanding, you might fi nd it necessary to ask for more information or clarification. So you may ask, "What do you mean when you say _____________?" or "Can you say more about that, I am not sure I understand."

Defer Judgment Interrupting will only frustrate your children: they will clam up and storm off. In fact, in very stressed relationships with older children, parents can agree to just listen for a full half-hour without interrupting or replying.

This format guarantees the child can talk freely. Now, she may choose not to say anything for the first 20 of those 30 minutes (you can start with a smaller amount of time if it feels better), but she still owns that airtime, even if only to sit in silence with you staring at the ceiling or driving in silence together. It's your child's s.p.a.ce to speak, and she decides what the time is used for.

It's respectful and caring to make this time available for her. It can be frightening for children to talk about their hurts. It may take time for them to muster the courage. Be patient. The giving of your time, and your willingness to hear from them is an act of caring they'll appreciate.

Respond Respectfully When your child has been heard, it's your turn to reply or respond to what she has said. Now it's time to test your own emotional 182 Honey I Wrecked the Kids intelligence. Can you respond honestly and respectfully, without a counterattack and without putting her down in some way, however subtly? If you practice good communication, you'll be off ering your point (which is valid for you), without adding all the emotional bravado that is the stuff of war. Just make your point. For example, you can say, "I feel angry when ________," instead of actually demonstrating your anger by replying with anger in your voice.

Compare these common parenting responses that shut down communication verses active listening.

SHUT DOWN COMMUNICATION.

"I hate my brother!"

Response: "No, you don't hate him. "No, you don't hate him.

You love him. You're just mad."

"I'm going to kill myself."

Response: "Don't talk like that." "Don't talk like that."

"You always take his side!"

Response: "That is not true. Just yesterday I took your side." "That is not true. Just yesterday I took your side."

"I hate you!"

Response: "Yeah, well, you're not doing much for me either these days." "Yeah, well, you're not doing much for me either these days."

ACTIVE LISTENING.

"I hate my brother!"

Response: "Sounds like you're really angry. Do you want to tell me about it?" "Sounds like you're really angry. Do you want to tell me about it?"

"I am going to kill myself."

Response: "Really? Sounds like you're feeling total desperation. "Really? Sounds like you're feeling total desperation.

I really want to understand just how how you feel about your awful life right now."

"You always take her side."

Response: "It would hurt a lot to think your parents were against "It would hurt a lot to think your parents were against you-is that what you're thinking?"

"I hate you."

Response: "You'd like me to know that I have hurt you badly, and you want me to hurt, too?" "You'd like me to know that I have hurt you badly, and you want me to hurt, too?"183.

It's imperative that you give full acknowledgement of what they are feeling in that moment. For example: "It would be awful to feel that your parents were against you."

"It must hurt so much to think that I love the baby more."

"I can't image how painful it must be for you, feeling that my work is more important to me than you are."

Once we understand what it is like to walk a mile in the child's shoes, we can be empathetic instead of defensive. That means we can put our energy toward finding ways to make improvements. It also helps us to keep our focus on the future and on our plans for improvement. It's so easy to want to revisit the past, a.s.sign blame and rekindle old fights. Use your communication skills to stay in the moment and listen, understand, empathize and move toward the future: "I don't want you to think those things; how can we make it better?"

"It is never my intention to make you feel that way. How can we do better in the future?"

REBUILDING THE RELATIONSHIP.

How does one rebuild a relationship after it has taken a hit? It's about action! It's not enough to think, "I love you." It's not enough even to say, "I love you." We must show that we love our hurting child.

Love is a verb. Acting lovingly is the way to heal and rebuild. It also means working to meet our children in their world, instead of demanding they join ours. If you think your child is drift ing away 184 from the family, find out where he or she drifts to. Instead of insisting on eating a family meal (which is your idea of bonding), investigate with curiosity those things that are appealing activities to your child and get involved where you can: * Off er to be the videographer while your son practices his skateboarding tricks.

* Take you daughter shopping at the mall. Ask her for help upgrading your make-up or hairstyle.

* Buy a collaborative video game that requires two players to problem-solve together.

* Plan a short weekend trip somewhere they might like to go: an action hero convention out of town, a dinosaur museum in another town, white-water rafting . . . the list is endless.

* Sign up for intergenerational cla.s.ses: cooking, baking, karate, biking club, yoga, horseback riding. . . .

* Do a project together: fix a dirt bike, redecorate a room, build a fort, design a dress. . . .

The important part is the co-created experience. It's about being in the same bubble together. The more time you spend in that bubble, the more you will have shared experiences, shared memories, shared laughter, shared emotions, and you will fi nd yourselves improving the bond and getting more intimate. Th e relationship will continue to get healthier. It doesn't have to be a big weekly or monthly time-sink. In fact, just as important and powerful are all the little things you can do each and every day, in the moment, to show you care.

Here is a list of little but powerful ways to show your kids you care:185.

Ways to Show Your Kids You Care and Rebuild Your Relationships Notice them.

Give them s.p.a.ce when they Smile a lot.

need it.

Acknowledge them.

Contribute to their collections.

Seek them out.

Discuss their dreams and night- Ask them about themselves.

mares.

Look in their eyes when you talk Laugh at their jokes.

to them.

Be relaxed.

Listen to them.

Kneel, squat or sit so you're at Play with them.

their eye-level.

Read aloud together.

Answer their questions.

Giggle together.

Tell them how terrific they are.

Say yes yes a lot. a lot.

Create a tradition with them and Tell them their feelings are okay.

keep it.

Set boundaries that keep them Learn what they have to teach.

safe.

Use your ears more than your Be honest.

mouth.

Be yourself.

Make yourself available.

Listen to their stories.

Show up at their concerts, games Hug them.

and events.

Forget your worries sometimes Find a common interest.

and concentrate only on Hold hands during a walk.

them.

Apologize when you've done Notice when they're acting something wrong.