Louise sniffed. "You sound so sure of everything."

"I am. He was the sheriff in town, too. He used his position and authority to his advantage. You never had a chance, Louise. Stop blaming yourself."

"It's hard to let go of the guilt," the older woman admitted. "I've carried this secret around for so long. I probably should have realized why Jordan didn't like me, but I never thought he knew." She shook her head. "Now everything makes sense. He blames me for destroying his family." She looked at Holly. "I swear I wouldn't have come back to town all those years later if I'd thought it was going to make trouble. I had no idea what Earl was going to do."

"That's not your fault, either," Holly said.

"Maybe not, but Jordan won't forgive me. Having the baby was bad enough, but forcing his mother to leave is so much worse."

Holly hated how Louise was taking all the blame on herself. Maybe because she was new to the situation, she could see more clearly. There were misunderstandings on both sides.

"Jordan's mother didn't leave because of you," she said. "She left because her husband asked for a divorce."

"To marry me."

"But you didn't want him to get a divorce. You didn't want to have anything to do with him. It's not your fault."

Louise drew in a deep breath. "In my head I know what you're saying makes sense. In my heart that's a different matter. I feel so guilty. It's not all about the Haynes family, either. Some of it is about my little girl. I think about her all the time. I want her to be happy and s-safe." Her voice broke, and she had to turn away to hide her emotions.

Holly tried to imagine what it must be like to have to give a child up for adoption. She couldn't think of anything more tragic.

"Did you get to see her when she was born?"

"Just for a minute." This time Louise managed a full smile. "She looked just like a Haynes. Big eyes, lots of dark hair. She was so pretty. And then they took her away."

"You've never tried to get in touch with her?"

"No." The tears returned. Louise brushed them away. "What would I say to her?"

"How about the truth? You were young and frightened, and giving her to a loving couple seemed to be the best thing to do."

"That sounds so nice. The truth is not seeing her is my punishment for what I did. I don't deserve to have her in my life."

Her friend's pain cut through Holly, too. She knew what that kind of emptiness and longing felt like. She understood about being alone.

"It's too bad your daughter has to be punished, too," she said softly. "Look at all she's missing. A wonderful mother and four half brothers. Have you considered the fact that she might want to be in your life?"

Louise stared at her. "I hadn't thought of it that way. But what if she likes her world the way it is?"

"What if she doesn't? The worst that will happen is that she won't want to see you. I know it's scary and a risk, but what if she's been waiting her whole life for you?"

"What if?" Louise echoed softly.

This year the family had chosen to go caroling on Travis's street. They bundled up against the cold, pa.s.sed out sheet music and flashlights, then started down the block.

"We have to rotate where we sing," Jordan explained to Holly. "We're really bad, so we give the neighbors a break by not coming back for a couple of years."

She leaned against him and grinned. "I don't believe that."

"Most of the Haynes family is tone-deaf. Trust me, it's awful."

It had been nearly a week since Jordan's confrontation with Louise. Christmas was in three days. A sort of armed truce had settled over the house. Louise avoided him whenever possible, and he avoided her. He'd heard the housekeeper talking with Holly several times. s.n.a.t.c.hes of conversation had carried to him. He knew they were talking about the past and the child Louise had given up for adoption.

A girl. A Haynes daughter. Once again the rage filled him as he remembered his father had cared for Louise as he had never cared for his wife and family.

It wasn't fair, but then so little in life was.

They came to a stop in front of the first home. The porch light was on, and there was a lit plastic Santa on the front lawn. The Haynes family was loud and filled with laughter as they prepared to share their Christmas spirit. The smaller children were already asleep, and had been left behind with Louise to watch over them. The older ones were more interested in playing than singing.

Someone called out the name of the first song. There was a brief moment of shuffling as everyone found the right page, followed by a single note from a pitch pipe. As if that would help.

"'Hark, the herald angels sing.'"

The words were clear, but the key was wrong and the voices didn't blend at all. The neighbors came out onto the porch and tried to act pleased, but they were obviously pained by the discord.

Holly actually had a very nice voice. She sang softly, but he could hear the clear tones and perfect melody. Maybe there was hope.

Kyle heard, too. "This one can sing," he said, and grabbed her arm. "Come up front where they can hear you. Maybe they won't throw things at us."

Holly gave Jordan a quick glance. "It's okay," he told her. "You do sound better than the rest of us."

She wore a thick blue sweater that matched the color of her eyes. The cold night air brought out the pink in her cheeks. In the light of the overhead lamp he saw her smile, and something deep inside him responded.

He liked her. The knowledge should have scared him into bolting, but all he could do was stand there and be grateful for her presence. Everything about her was wrong for him. Her decency, her innocence, her trust. But until the holidays were over, he was going to enjoy every stolen minute with her. When their time together was over, he would retreat to the darkness of his world and survive there.

His longing for her was about more than s.e.x, he thought as she turned and went with Kyle to the front of the group. Even as the thought pa.s.sed through his mind, his gaze dropped to her round hips and generous behind. He adored her lush feminine form. He knew that she agonized about an extra couple of pounds, but he didn't want her to change. He'd spent hours reliving the evening when he'd pleasured her. He could still see, taste and feel her full b.r.e.a.s.t.s. He wanted to feast on them forever.

But more than wanting a physical relationship, he enjoyed his time just being with Holly. He liked talking with her and working with her. He liked the care she took as she completed a task on his house. He liked her views of the world and her unflagging enthusiasm. Despite the blows the world had delivered, she still believed everything could work out for the best.

They began a second song. Jordan dropped behind Austin and Rebecca, who were absorbed only in each other. Lindsay, Sandy's oldest from a previous marriage, had brought a girlfriend with her, and they were doing more giggling than singing. Neither teenager noticed as he slipped behind them to the rear of the group.

Jordan cast a longing glance at the house to their left. Travis's house. Would anyone notice if he went back? Before he could decide, Elizabeth moved next to him and slipped her arm through his.

"I thought Holly had cured you of this," she said, glancing up at him.

"Of what?"

"For a while you were actually like the rest of us. Smiling, partic.i.p.ating in conversations. Once again you're brooding. Want to talk about it?"

He shrugged. He didn't have anything to say to her. He wasn't prepared to expose Louise's secret, and he didn't want to discuss their argument.

"Is it a guy thing?" Elizabeth asked.

"It's a family thing."

She stared at him for a long time. He realized she was a part of the Haynes family. He dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Sorry. I didn't mean that the way it came out."