And let the poor, the blind, the maimed Be kindly feted, too; In blessing others all are bathed In blessings rich and new.

Thus, peace-proclaiming, loving friend, Time-honoured Christmas dear, Thou wilt, indeed, have well fulfilled Thy love-fraught mission here.

A VICTIM TO MODERN INVENTIONS.

(_Founded on a tale which appeared in Chambers' Journal, 4th series, No. 630, Sat.u.r.day, January 22nd, 1876, page 69_.)

Since quite a boy Hal Gradient had been Noted for ingenuity--between The hours when not on active duty he Immersed in some new scheme was sure to be; So, by the age of twenty-five he grew Absorbed in plans, constructive, rare and new.

We both in engineering works were then, On contract work engaged in France, when He the gratifying news received, That some unknown rich relative had died, Leaving him sole executor and heir To an estate both lucrative and fair.

Prior to leaving for his native land, He said to me, Now, Mark, my friend, you understand, I shall expect to see you at my home As soon as your engagement here is done; And such a home, my boy, as you shall see, You cannot well conceive what it may be, For I intend to exercise my skill, Its precincts with inventions new to fill, And have things so arranged that work and time Shall reap rich harvests in their course sublime.

Time pa.s.sed; my contract done, I hastened home, Unwilling longer from its joys to roam, When Harry, hearing that I had returned, To have me by him with impatience burned; So, to his pressing lines that I should pay A visit to his country home next day, I cordially a.s.sented, for I, too, Was anxious our prized friendship to renew.

Descending at the station I espied The dear old boy, with dog-cart at his side, Waiting to welcome me with heart and hand, To all we prize most in our native land; For howsoe'er or wheresoe'er we roam, We find no joys like those of home, sweet home!

We bowled along the pleasant country lanes, By wooded heights and blossom-covered plains.

See! said he, there's my house among the trees, Sheltered, yet open to the southern breeze.

In that beyond, with other two, you see, Whose grounds close round my own so pleasantly, Live valued friends of whom I never tire; With each abode a telegraphic wire Communicates, so, when we feel inclined For whist or billiards, after we have dined We telegraph to fix the time and place, And oft arrange a meet for hunt and chase, Which is convenient, as you soon will see, And makes us like one social family.

Just then arriving at the gate hard by, I will descend and open it, said I; Sit still, said Harry, when without a word, The gate seemed opened of its own accord.

Hallo, that's "open, Sesame," I said, How is it done? to which Hal answer made: Why, don't you see; I've placed across the path A narrow gutter like a shallow bath, And when we stop the wheels press on it, so It slightly sinks, and forces cranks to go, These then force back the gate until we've pa.s.sed, Whilst others set it free and close it fast.

Well, now that is convenient, I cried, Yes, and saves lodge and keeper, he replied.

Arriving at the house, the groom we found And waitress at the door, for the clear sound From two electric wires pressed by the cart In pa.s.sing through the gate, had sent a dart Of electricity that rang a bell, To man and maid of our approach to tell.

Hal's sister met us in the entrance hall, A lady of a certain age, erect and tall, Whose bearing was, to say the least, severe, One not just suited hearts to win and cheer; She eyed me in a curious sort of way, And then, with haughty mien, she went away.

I noticed as I hung up coat and hat, A sort of cage, and said to Hal, what's that?

'Tis my automaton machine, he said, For brushing thoroughly from heels to head; I will explain: a platform there below On which you step, makes wheels and levers go, In fact, your weight the motive power supplies, On which the action of the whole relies, Those arms with brushes then revolving wheel, And from your clothes the dust adroitly steal, Whilst overhead another like machine Is also placed your hat to smooth and clean; Observe it, like a hat box cleft in twain, With bristled, lever-working jaws that claim Your hat within their grasp, so for the nonce You've trowsers, coat and hat all brushed at once.

A very curious contrivance; how I'd like to see it set in action now.

That you shall do, said he, and stepping in Upon the little platform neat and trim, The numerous brushes vigorously spun Some fifteen times, and then their work was done.

There, shouted Harry, what d'ye think of that?

Jump in and try, but don't forget your hat, For if you do you'll bitterly repent, And have good reason, too, for discontent.

No, not just now, some other day, said I, Feeling a bit too nervous then to try.

Excuse me, then, a moment while I seek My sister, for to her I wish to speak.

Hal had no sooner left, than as I stood Before the strange machine, I thought I would Venture to test it then when none were by To chaff if I should chance to bolt or cry, So, stepping boldly in, the brushes ran, And their appointed active work began, And that they did it well there is no doubt, But having rashly bent one elbow out, Its funny bone was rapped, which made me shout, Then, horrors! the hat brushes wheeled about, I had forgot my hat, so they instead Most unceremoniously seized my head!

The horrid thing whirled round at frightful pace, Stripping, it seemed, all skin off nose and face.

I tried to stoop, escape from it to find, But only got distracting blows behind, Soothing the part affected not the less; I felt abused, insulted, I confess.

The hateful thing, however, stopped at last, And springing to the floor I cast Bewildered and distrustful glances round When, like an added insult, there I found Harry convulsed with laughter at my side, Which nettled my already wounded pride.

My anger was extreme on rushing out With one loved whisker curled my ear about, The other brushed across my face; my hair All twisted in a vortex of despair; I felt unable to express my rage At his so vaunted but abusive cage.

'Tis an infernal, demon-formed machine, Shrieked I to Hal, as ever yet was seen, He only roared with laughter as he sat, Saying, 'twas so because you had no hat, You know I charged you to remember that.

I tried to laugh but 'twas of little use After such diabolical abuse, But calming down at last I cheerful rose, Wishful, in private, to survey my nose, To see if any skin were left there now, And what the state of my disordered brow.

So, hastening to my room with Hal, I found All there so cosily arranged around, That in my admiration I forgot The consequences of my ill-starred lot Why, what a jolly room, to him I said Yes, and you see that second little bed.

If you are nervous, or should like me to, As when in France, I'll sleep in it by you.

O no, in England I can have no fear, As in the old times when you were not near.

All right, old boy, but stay, before I go I'll light the gas, and I must let you know 'Tis done by electricity, through aid Of batteries in the bas.e.m.e.nt; I've wires laid All through the house--now see this k.n.o.b I touch Causes two wires in contact swift to rush, Then an electro magnet turns the stop, At the same moment sparks from out them hop, The gas is thus ignited--'tis not all, You see along the ceiling, down that wall, On either side the gas jet placed, a bar.

Each of a different metal, one has far More power than has the other to expand When hot, which makes it bend, you understand, In doing so it acts upon a rod And lever, under whose constraining nod A catch which holds the shutters is set free, And with a spring they close to instantly.

The metal, as he touched it, heated grew, And, as by magic, shutters were closed to.

'Tis very cleverly arranged, I say, But here's a k.n.o.b marked with the letter A; What is its use? This A stands for alarm, When pressed in case of fire or threatened harm, A large alarum placed above the roof, Soon to the neighbours gives convincing proof; We won't try that just now as its sound, would Undoubtedly alarm the neighbourhood.

But see, in this recess with curtained way Is a self-acting shower-bath that you may Try in the morning if you're so inclined.

There's just one more contrivance yet I find That I must show you; by your bed side stands A nest of speaking tubes; this one commands My bedroom, number two, my sister's, and The third, Jane's room; this last, you understand, Might be convenient should you e'er require, If ill, an early cup of tea, or fire.

Is Jane the pretty housemaid? I reply, She is, you sly boy, but she's coy and shy.

Harry, I thought you'd known me better to---- All right, old boy, I was but joking you.

Harry now left. When dressed for dinner I Resolved tube numbered one at once to try, I blew the whistle, from the other end Hallo, was quickly answered by my friend.

I'm waiting to go down, will you be long?

I'm ready now, came mellowly along, And so we met upon the landing soon, And joined the ladies in the drawing-room.

A charming little dinner o'er, and then The ladies left and we were chatting when A bell was rung; Hallo, that's Pool, Hal cried; What does he want, I wonder, quick replied His friend by numerous clicks. He wants to know If we will sup with him. Mark, will you go?

I've no objection; click, click, click soon sent The answer to his friend, and off we went.

On our return Hal showed me many more Of his inventions, of which he'd a store, Till my bewildered and distracted head Was fairly dazed, so I escaped to bed, But not, alas, to sleep; th' exciting day Had been too much for my poor nerves; I lay Tossing and restless, could not sleep at all, So thought I'd summon Harry to my call, As he'd suggested, and we had agreed That I should do in case of urgent need.

I seized the tube, blew through it l.u.s.tily.

Well, soon was answered through it sleepily.

I cannot get to sleep, I wish you'd come To me, or have me with you in your room; I'd rather of the two that you'd come here, As you proposed, in case of need or fear.

As I proposed! you base, abandoned wretch, Repeat those words and I'll my brother fetch.

Horror of horrors! the wrong tube I'd grasped, And to Miss Gradient had been talking fast.

What should I do? I tried, but all in vain, Th' unlucky error meekly to explain.

Dear madame, I a.s.sure you on my word, 'Twas a mistake, but no response was heard; 'Twas clear she'd hear no more I had to say, However I might for forgiveness pray, So, putting in the whistle, on the bed I once more settled my distracted head.

The bare idea of my speaking so To that old lady was an awful blow; How could I meet her at the breakfast? how Sustain the anger of that rigid brow?

At last I made a desperate resolve To wake up Hal, the mystery to solve, So, quickly seizing the next tube o'erhead, Oh! I have made a great mistake, I said, I wanted you to come and sleep by me, But, seizing the wrong tube, unluckily I asked Miss Gradient to come instead Of you; pray come to me at once, I said, Or I shall try to find you, quickly too; I'm dying something to explain to you.

The answer almost drove me wild with pain, 'Twas in a quick, sharp, female voice again, But not Miss Gradient's evidently now, 'Twas Jane's, the pretty housemaid's: how-- How dare you, Sir! I'd have you know, young man, That I'm an honest girl, and scorn your plan, And if you dare to come you can't get in, For cook has double locked the door within.

My dear girl, I a.s.sure you, I commenced-- I ain't your dear girl, then said Jane, incensed, 'Tis no use talking any more to-night, With curl papers I'll stop the plug up tight, And in the morning, to your cost, you'll see I will expose your conduct thoroughly.

Another awful error--what a sc.r.a.pe I found myself within, and how escape?

I threw myself once more upon the bed, Great drops of perspiration on my head, Feeling bewildered, dest.i.tute of hope, With such a series of mishaps to cope.

If those fast bolted shutters had not been So firmly closed, I might have had a gleam Of the blest early dawn, but I _will_ try, Thought I, to open them; then by and bye I'll dress and go to Harry to explain, Before he meets his sister or sees Jane.

I felt my way then cautiously along, Quite nervous, lest I should again go wrong.

The window was a bow one--on I pa.s.sed, Still groping onward, till I cried at last, Ah! here it is, this is the curtain slide; I pa.s.sed within, when--how shall I describe My woeful plight? I screamed and yelled with pain, My feelings to describe, alas! 'twere vain, In the self-acting shower bath I had stepped.

And in a torrent its freed waters leapt On my distracted form, with deafening sound, Which sent me stunned and spinning to the ground In painful and undignified surprise; The curtains having deadened the wild cries, Wrung from me under such enforced surprise, No one had been aware of my sad plight.

As dripping, shivering with the sudden fright, I drew my wet clothes off and felt my way For dry ones, longing for the light of day, As longs some sun-struck traveller, from whose sight A momentary shock obscures the light.

The darkness so oppressive and intense Seemed round me an impenetrable fence, As well to physical as mental view, Deadening the intellect and reason too.

I could not long the awful state endure, So making a great effort to secure A calmer mood, by sad experience taught, Why, what a fool I've been, at length I thought, To have forgotten like an arrant dunce I've but to press the k.n.o.b to have at once The gas jet lit; so groping bit by bit, I reached it, pushed the k.n.o.b, but no gas lit; Terrific noise above I heard instead, I'd set th' alarum crashing overhead!

What should I do? the neighbourhood would be Aroused, and perhaps as terrified as me.

I'd no idea how to stop the thing Which now distractingly began to ring.

I'd rush to Harry; ah, he'd heard the crash, And to my room now rushed with hurried dash; Why, what on earth's the matter, quickly tell?

Nothing but that abominable bell.

I wished to light the gas, the wrong k.n.o.b pushed; There, Harry said, I've stopped it, and off rushed To satisfy the neighbours who were now Ringing t' inquire th' occasion of the row.

He soon returned, saying he'd telegraphed To tell of the mistake, and then he laughed, Lighted my gas, and quickly went to bed, As he, like me, was chilled from heels to head.

Alas! my friend was gone ere I'd the power T' explain the _contretemps_ of that sad hour.

To get away was now my only thought, But then this all-important step was fraught With seen and unseen dangers everywhere, Suppose I met Miss Gradient on the stair, Or Jane--for this I candidly confess I did not the required aplomb possess.