Kneeling down, his knees hit the floor hard but he didn't feel it. He was numb to the core. John placed his hands atop of Jace's and took a deep breath, grasping his fingers.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so damn sorry. I know sorry won't bring you back. It won't do a damn thing. Nothing I say or do will bring you back, and that's what hurts the most."

John took in every inch of Jace, painting it to his memory. There was an old tale that souls didn't let go until they were told to do so. If that was true, then it was John's responsibility to tell Jace. He didn't want to tell his friend to leave this world and leave it quickly, but for Maryanne he would.

"Don't hang on. Just . . . go . . . for her," his voice broke with his heart. "Go fast for your mama. Go in peace."

Tears were pouring out and he could barely catch his breath. He was sputtering his words and not making sense.

Inhaling deeply until his lungs burned, he exhaled and said, "This isn't our last goodbye. I'll see you again."

Then his head hit the bed and he cried so hard his whole body shook. Never had he felt such loss in his life.

John waited at the hospital for his parents to pick up Maryanne. She was too distraught to drive and needed consoling. His mother, Diane, was going to stay with her overnight.

John sat in his truck and stared straight ahead at the rows of cars. Where did he go? What did he do? He was in a fog. He felt lost, confused, and angry. Desolate. There was only one person he wanted to be with, but she wanted nothing to do with him.

He needed her. He needed her so bad he ached. He needed her goodness and smart mouth. He needed to be near her to breathe her in. He needed to touch her to know that she was alive.

Fuck. He just lost his best friend. He needed his girl. Pulling out his phone, John sent her a text message.

I need you. Please, Alyssa. I need you so bad right now. Meet me somewhere.

John stared at his phone praying that she would respond. Seconds felt like minutes. When he saw the little bubble that indicated she was responding, he released a breath.

Babe: Where?

John thought for a moment. Whiskey River.

Babe: Okay.

Turning the ignition, John left the hospital and went straight to the river. His mind couldn't process anything. His head was empty and exhausted, stripped of everything.

What the fuck happened?

It was all too surreal. And unfair. Life was unfair.

In order to get to Whiskey River, John had to pass the place that had taken Jace's life. It was the last thing he wanted to do after watching him leave this earth. This was going to be difficult.

John slowed his truck down and looked out of his window. Everything slammed into him like it just happened. He shook his head and gripped his chest trying to ease the tightness.

John drove another mile or so until he reached the river, backing his truck up under a tree. It was the same place where he pretty much called Alyssa trash. John stepped out and looking around, noticing that Alyssa hadn't gotten there yet. He walked down toward the water and sat on the dirt, bringing his knees up. A tear streamed down his cheek, the first one he let out since saying goodbye to Jace. God, he would never forget that moment. It will be forever seared into his brain. Another tear and all the memories came flooding back at him at once. It was all too much to handle. They slammed into him over and over. The sound of his voice, the way he laughed when Ford said something stupid. Fuck! Life wasn't fair! Why did Jace have to die?

Standing up, John picked up a rock and threw it as hard as he could across the river. He watched as it made a large splash then sunk to the bottom. Gone. Just like Jace. He bent down and grabbed another, then another and threw those. Then he found a branch and threw that as he yelled a string of curse words over and over that his father would have his ass for if he heard it. But it didn't matter because Jace was gone and nothing would bring him back. Jace was gone.

He was dead.

And it was his fault.

John is the reason behind Jace's death. Plain and simple. It was his fault, and he'd have to live with that knowledge every damn day for the rest of his life while Jace would be six feet under.

Fuck.

He bent over and let out a loud howl full of anguish and pain. He reached for the ground to stop himself from falling over. God, it hurt. It hurt so bad.

"John! John! Oh my goodness. Are you okay?"

John stood and looked over his shoulder at Alyssa who walked toward him. The fear evident in her eyes was real when she reached him. He probably looked like a mess while he screamed into the air. They stood a foot apart. John felt like the world was spinning around him at a high speed, a blur of trees and water. Alyssa tilted her head and locked eyes with him.

"Alyssa . . ." Her name came out as a broken whisper, and he reached for her. She stepped toward him. "Johnny? What happened?"

His mouth formed a tight thin line as hot tears rolled down his cheeks. John shook his head since he was unable to get the words out. "Jace . . . he's . . . he's . . ."

"Oh, Johnny," she said, and rushed for him. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and held on to him tightly as he cried into her neck. John couldn't control the tears even if he wanted to, he just let it all out. He was shaking, nearly convulsing but Alyssa didn't let go. She held onto him.

"Jace is gone," he cried. "Jace is gone . . ."

At that, Alyssa hugged him tighter and comforted him. He could hear her sniffles and feel the small vibrations on her back. She was holding it in. Jace had been her friend too. How could he have been so insensitive and forget that? Finding the strength, he took a deep breath and picked Alyssa up. Her legs automatically wound around his waist and locked behind him with her head in his neck now. John walked to his truck, pulled down the tailgate and gently put Alyssa on it. But they never let go of each other. No, they just held on tight without saying a word.

There were no words to be said. Just emotions to be felt.

Pulling back, John looked at Alyssa whose eyes were puffy and swollen, exactly what his felt like. She wiped away the wetness under his eyes, then dried her thumbs on her shorts. A sad, small smile plagued her mouth and he wanted to kiss it away. Night had fallen, so the only light they had was coming from the full moon above them.

"Jace is gone." He repeated quietly, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

Alyssa's chin quivered. She fought to hold the tears in. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

She placed a hand on his chest and felt his heartbeat underneath her palm. "I think it would help if you did," she said. "Maybe a little?"

The breeze caused the branches to sway and allowed the moonlight to filter through the trees. Alyssa got a glimpse of the emotions running across John's face as he stared down, but he wasn't looking in her eyes, he was staring at her shoulder. Like he couldn't make eye contact with her. He was vulnerable right now and allowing himself to be open. She was hurting too, but not nearly as bad as John was. She couldn't begin to imagine the pain he was feeling or the thoughts running through his head as another thick tear rolled down his cheek. She wanted to kiss the tears away and remove his pain.

John's hands began skimming up her arms, over her shoulders where he squeezed them lightly and then landing on the sides of her neck. Alyssa shivered at the touch of his fingers. He gently tilted her head back and their eyes met . . . and her heart broke.

John was crumbling inside. His eyes said it all. Gone was the vibrant ivy green that she had come to love and in its wake was a deep, melancholy green with honey amber tones. They reminded her of a tiger, not in the he was ready to pounce and lay claim kind of way, but instead that of a small cub-defenseless and unsure of his path kind of way.

And that just broke her inside.

John pressed his forehead to hers and his lips parted. He heaved a heavy sigh. John didn't say anything, but he didn't need to either. Alyssa could feel it as his trembling hands caressed her jaw. He was asking for more, but not taking it.

Tilting his head, John's voice was barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry for what I said to you, Alyssa." She pinched her eyes shut and shook her head. At the time it hurt, but she didn't want to think about it now.

Swallowing, she said, "It's over with. Don't worry about it."

But John didn't stop. "No, it was wrong of me. I shouldn't have said it."

"Johnny, it's okay." She reiterated.

"Do you need to be home soon?" he asked. He hoped she didn't have to.

"No."

"That's good. Do you think . . ." he stammered, "do you think we could just lay here on my truck bed for a little while? I'm not ready to go home yet."

"Of course."

"Just a sec." John let go and walked to the passenger door. He pushed the seat forward and grabbed the towels he kept as spares in the backseat. He had learned to be prepared whenever he and Jace wanted to go mudding.

Him and Jace . . . tears sprung to his eyes.

John walked back to the truck bed. He climbed up and layered the towels, trying to create as much cushion as he could for Alyssa. He wouldn't feel the hardness, but he wanted her to be comfortable. Shrugging, he looked at her and said, "This is about all I could do. Sorry . . ."

"No need to be sorry, I have you to snuggle up to."

The diminutive smile she saw for a split second on his face made her happy. Alyssa climbed up and sat next to John. He propped an arm behind his head as he lay back. She curled up next to him and rested her head on his chest, draping an arm over his stomach. John wrapped his free arm around her waist and pulled her closer, dropping a kiss to her head.

"Thank you," he whispered. John's chest ached, but Alyssa soothed him with her presence. What would he have done without her?

"I probably should have called Ford instead," he said quietly, staring at the starless night sky. "But I couldn't imagine being with Ford after what happened tonight. I could only think of you. I needed you."

Sure, their relationship had been rocky the last few weeks because of his dickhead comments, but they were still friends, nearly best friends. John didn't know what tomorrow would bring, but he was sure of one thing he cared for her deeply.

Nearly an hour had passed as they laid there listening to the crickets in the stillness of the night. It was peaceful even though there was turmoil in his life. Like they were in their own bubble and nothing could hurt them. Rolling over, John pulled Alyssa to her side and looked at her sleepy face.

"I'll take you home soon. You look tired."

She shook her head. "Let's stay here tonight," she suggested in a groggy voice. "I have to work in the morning so we'll have to leave early, but let's stay here."

"You sure?"

"I am."

Jesus, he couldn't have a more perfect girl next to him than Alyssa. He looked deeply into her eyes and saw the goodness and warm heart that she hid when they first met. Maybe it was fate that they met. Did he believe in fate, though? It sounded like such a childish fairytale thing to say, fate, but maybe the Big Man up above knew he would need her during this time.

Alyssa was staying for him, so it was only fair that he open up about tonight's events. Taking a deep breath, John opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Alyssa's lips. He was surprised, and wasn't expecting it, but he savored the feel of her lips against his as he grasped her hip with his hand. She made him feel like he could make it past tonight.

"I thought you needed it," she said quietly when she pulled back. "You look like you're about to say something big."

John squinted his eyes. How did she know?

"Maryanne took Jace off life support tonight. I stood there and watched as the doctors did it. She didn't want me there, but I couldn't just leave her . . ." he squeezed his eyes shut trying to erase the memory from his brain.

"That's because you have a good heart, Johnny."

"How can a parent have the strength to do that?" John shook his head in utter disbelief. Nothing made sense anymore.

"We aren't given what we can't handle. Not that anyone should have to handle that . . . you know what I mean? And from what you've told me, he wasn't truly alive anymore."

John just looked at her. She was correct. Jace was dead inside, kind of how John felt himself. "You're right. It was just a shell of him, not who he was anymore. I felt it when I walked in a few weeks ago too, I just ignored it then."

"Exactly. So you can't look at it like that, like she pulled the plug or when she gave the doctors the final yes saying it was okay to do it. Because trust me, she's not okay with it. It's going to haunt her for the rest of her life, but she also knew in her heart that her son was gone. I don't know . . . I'm just thinking that's what she felt? Mothers have this weird intuition when it comes to their kids."

John stayed quiet as he looked in her eyes. He felt his emotions intensifying, his heart soaring for her. She was his rock tonight when she shouldn't even be. God, he loved her.

John Jackson was wholly and completely in love with Alyssa Winters.

He was drowning in a sea of emotions that he didn't know how to make sense of. Jace . . . Alyssa . . . Alyssa . . . Jace . . . The sensations of being high and low at the same time made his eyes widen and a shiver break out across his body. He didn't know how to handle any of it, but before he could process another thought, Alyssa gripped his jaw, threaded her fingers through the hairs at his nape and smashed her lips to his. She threw her leg over and hooked it around his waist and kissed away everything he was feeling that caused him heartache. He loosened his grip at her waist and skimmed the small of her back, pressing her to him. His hand curved around her ass feeling for her skin past her shorts. John fought to stifle a groan but he couldn't stop his hips from rolling into hers. Alyssa felt divine in his arms. Her warm flush body against his is what he needed. He needed to feel alive and whole. And he needed to feel it with Alyssa.

Rolling her over, Alyssa moaned when he rested his body between her thighs. He aligned himself and pushed forward. John would give anything to sink right into her.

Placing an arm under her head to create a pillow, he deepened the kiss. He started out fast, feverish almost, that desperate need to feel that she was really under him, but then he slowed down and took his time. He lapped at her lips slowly, his tongue tangling with hers. He savored every moment of their kiss committing it to his memory. Alyssa's hips undulated, and she moaned into his mouth. Sweet fuck. He wanted her at that very moment. But he wouldn't take her. It just wasn't right on so many levels tonight.

"Alyssa, baby," he panted. "You have to stop." At that, she squeezed her thighs as her hands roamed his back, her fingers gripping him. John groaned. This wasn't going to be easy. Alyssa reached for his lips and kissed him again then whispered against his mouth, "Shhh . . . Let me take care of you, Johnny."

"It's not right . . . not after everything . . ." God, he felt like shit. What was wrong with him?

"Do you trust me?"

He nodded. John didn't even have to think about his answer. He trusted Alyssa completely.

"Let me make you forget everything tonight. Right here, right now on the back of your truck."

"I love you," he said quietly, looking into her steely blue eyes. He dropped a soft kiss to her supple lips and allowed her to take over.

John needed Alyssa more than ever tonight, and she gave herself to him in every way. She took every ounce of him without a word as he lost himself in her over and over again.

Two days passed with countless calls and texts to John, but he never responded to any of them. She wanted to help him, be there for him after the loss of Jace. She knew he was hurting, there was no question about it, and she wanted to be the one to help him get through each day, but how could she when he disregarded her? What hurt was that Jace had been her friend too. Didn't he see that? She might not be hurting as badly as John, but her eyes were swollen from crying and her heart felt ripped in two.

This is why she didn't do relationshipsfriendship or otherwise. Everyone either left or she was forced to leave. Either way, she ended up feeling unwanted in the end.

"Why the long face?"

Peering over her shoulder was Ben. She'd been closing up and finishing her duties at work when he interrupted her thoughts.

"Just a lot on my mind." Surely he had to know why she looked so miserable, right? That Jace had died?

Ben eyed her as if he was trying to read her thoughts. "Here, let me help you." He grabbed a wet rag, but she stopped him.

"You don't have to do that. Go home, your shift is over."

He shrugged as if it was nothing. "I know I don't, I want to."

Ben helped with the rest of the tables and stayed until she was finished. She worked a double today, and even though she was exhausted, she was too wired to go to sleep just yet.

"Want to talk about it?" Ben asked dropping the rag in the bucket.

She shook her head. "Not really."