Not winning the Calder was huge. At times like this, the future looked so bleak-like everything was going to hell. The award represented all the things in life I wasn't going to get. An NCAA championship. Being first draft pick. Making the playoffs this year. Kelly. Maybe I was fooling myself to dream that I could be the best and win everything I'd dreamed of. Everything seemed so black.

20.

High Anxiety

Jimmy was quiet once we got back to the room. He undressed, dropped his tux on the floor, washed up, and went straight to bed. All of which was out of character for Mr. Neat & Chatty. By the time I had painstakingly removed all my layers of makeup and hair jewels, the room lights were out and he seemed to be asleep already. There was no need for the pillow wall, so I climbed into bed.

As soon as I settled in, I sensed movement. I opened my eyes and I could see him, propped up on one elbow, looming over me.

"What are you doing? It's kind of creepy," I said.

"Sorry. I feel kind of bad."

"Oh, no. Are you sick or something?"

"No. It's this thing that happens at night sometimes. I really want to get to sleep, but I start worrying about everything." I could hear the frustration in his voice. He flopped back down.

I turned onto my side and tried to make out his face in the dim light. I could only tell that his eyes were wide open and his mouth was a straight line.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He hesitated and then spoke in a flat tone. "I feel like I'm not going to achieve my goals."

"How can you say that? You're in the NHL, you had an awesome season, and you're a Calder finalist." As soon as I said that, I regretted it.

"Yeah, but I didn't win." That was always his focus-what got away. He had to be the best.

"Don't you think you're being unreasonable? How many rookies would love to be a finalist?"

"It's just-" He turned away from me. "You wouldn't understand. I know I'm not normal."

"No. You're way better than normal."

He was silent for a bit, but I could actually sense him worrying beside me. His broad back faced me, so I reached up and rubbed his shoulders.

He exhaled loudly. "It's not just the Calder, it's that one thing leads to another. It makes me doubt everything."

I knew one of his dreams was to win the Cup. That was every player's dream. But Jimmy had a long list of other things, and he pushed himself so hard.

"I think I know what your big dream is, and I know you'll get there. It'll take time, that's all."

"You don't know my big dream. I've never even told you." He kept his back turned to me.

"It's to be the best player-the very best player in the NHL," I guessed.

He flipped around and stared at me. My eyes had adjusted to the dark, and I could see the tension on his face. "How did you know that?"

"From things you've said." It wasn't rocket science though; every good player was driven to be better, and Jimmy had the most drive of anyone I'd ever known.

"I've never told anyone but my parents. It sounds too conceited, but it's like I can't rest and I can't stop making comparisons to other players." His voice rose. "I see life like this ladder, y'know, and all I have to do is keeping going up one rung at a time. But if I miss a rung, I start to worry that I'll never get there."

That sounded ridiculous, yet Jimmy's voice was genuinely panicked.

I kept holding him. "You don't have to worry. Shit happens. Someone else has a good year and wins a trophy, so what? The main thing is that you keep working on your game. Lots of legendary players never even got nominated for the Calder." I hoped I didn't have to name them because I couldn't remember any.

"You see, this is why you're so perfect. You get me better than anyone."

He seemed to calm down, but then he started moving restlessly.

"But what if missing a rung means that I start falling and I won't be able to stop? Like what happens then?" His voice was stressed and beyond rational. I had no clue what to say now, so I rubbed his arm, but he turned away from my touch.

"What about you, Kelly? I was so sure we were going to get back together, but you're taking so long to decide. I don't get it. At night, I remember all the bad stuff. How cold you were on the day we broke up. How you never called me back when you promised to. How many times I told you I loved you and you never said a word."

He stopped talking and moved farther away from me.

I felt a rush of emotion-guilt mixed with sympathy. I wasn't the most demonstrative person when it came to emotions, and I needed to reassure him in some way.

"Um, I was actually going to tell you..." I paused, still unable to get the words out. "...how I felt about you. Remember that day you called and told me we couldn't see each other until the tournament was over?"

There was a stunned silence, then his voice was incredulous. "Are you kidding me? It's like you're telling me this to make me feel worse. How many times do I have to apologize for that one thing? Everything was perfect between us-except for that one little slip."

We couldn't have a rational discussion when he was so upset. But there had been many more things wrong; that one incident only brought everything to the surface. Our whole relationship was based on him pushing the pace and me being dragged reluctantly along. Exactly like we were now.

Anything I said at this point would be wrong, so I moved closer and held him. I laid my head in the hollow between his shoulder blades. I felt the slight sweat on his back and the solid muscle below.

"It's okay," I whispered into his back. "Everything's okay."

At first, I felt only tension in his back, but eventually something released inside him. He turned around and enveloped me in his arms.

"Feels good to be together. To have you on my side. That was the best time for me, when I called you every night and we talked-it kept the crap out of my head."

I could feel the body heat radiating off him and smell his familiar scent. I swallowed nervously. I felt so sorry for him, and I wanted him to feel better-but we couldn't do stuff like this safely. We were so close and so undressed. We had enough trouble resisting each other fully clothed.

Shit, too late. I felt his erection nudging my tummy. I tried to pull away, but he locked his arms tighter. He kissed my head and whispered, "I need you, Kelly."

His hands started to move, one snaked down to cup my ass and the other pushed up my t-shirt and traced the line of my waist with his fingers. Oh fuck, I was totally turned on.

"Jimmy, we can't-ohhh." I gasped as his hand reached my breast. I tried to wriggle away, but he kept me firmly next to him with one crooked arm.

"It's okay," he said, planting slow, deliberate kisses on my neck and then my cheek. "Nobody will know. And you want to, right?"

Hell, yeah. But that didn't make it okay. He had found my mouth, and his mouth covered mine wetly, his kisses passionate and demanding. As he inhaled my breath, it was like he was sucking out all my self-control.

"Oh fuck. Stop, please. We can't do this," I groaned. But my traitorous body was responding everywhere, my nipples hard, my panties wet, and my stomach rubbing up against his hard cock.

"Why not?" he asked. His hand was cupping my breast, his palm flattening the tip of my nipple.

I tried to sound stern and determined, despite how I felt. "It's against the rules. No sex."

"Aww, Kelly, really?" He pulled back his head and looked at me. "You really don't want to do it?"

"We can't." I knew there was a good reason, but for the life of me I couldn't remember it.

"Hmmm." He kissed me on the throat and I shivered. "Well, we could do stuff and not have sex. You're the one who showed me how many fun things we can do without having sex." All the blood was leaving my brain and going to other parts of my body-my skin was flushed everywhere he touched me. He pushed up my t-shirt and attached his mouth to my nipple, sucking it so hard all my sensations were concentrated on that tiny nub of flesh.

I moaned loudly. I was clearly losing the power of conscious thought as he eased off my shorts and panties.

"Do you know what your body does to me? I've been thinking about seeing you naked for months. Dreaming about it. You're so perfect." He threw back the covers, and I lay there, limp and completely exposed. Through half-closed eyes I could see a triumphant expression on his face. He didn't look unhappy or worried now.

He lay down on top of me, pressing his naked body against mine and kissing me hard. I kissed him back and sucked on his tongue. He touched me all over. Finally, his hand squeezed between us and explored the moist place between my legs.

"Jimmy, please," I began, but my whole body was arching towards his hand. His forefinger had found my clit, and he began a staccato bumping that was making me crazy.

"Relax, Kelly. We're not having sex." He moved his mouth down from mine, kissing his way down between my breasts and down to my stomach. His tongue dipped into my navel and then continued down. He spread my legs wide apart, then kissed and sucked my thighs. The suction of his mouth moving up my legs was making me weak with wanting.

What the fuck was wrong with me? As I watched him dazedly, I whispered, "Oh God. Why can't I ever say no to you?"

"You can say no to me." His voice was almost normal. He breathed hot on my clit, his warm mouth hovering over it. "Do you want me to lick you? Just tell me no if you don't want it. But tell me yes if you want me to make you feel so good. Like this." He flicked his tongue out and began teasing my sensitive and swollen clit.

My whole body jumped and I cried out, "Oh fuck-I want it. Yes. Do it, Jimmy. Please."

He chuckled. "Only because you're so polite." He held my thighs apart and tongued me, then took the whole of my clit into his mouth and sucked it as hard as he had my nipple.

I couldn't believe the feelings rocking my body. I came right away and rode this incredible wave of sensations. It had been too fucking long since I had any kind of sex, and Jimmy still remembered everything I liked. I was crying out, and my whole body was trembling and jerking in uncontrollable spasms.

Finally, Jimmy eased up on me. He sat up and took my t-shirt completely off, looking down at me with a stern expression I couldn't understand. He leaned down sucked on the other nipple, gently this time but the effect was still the same. An electrical jolt of desire was moving through my body, even after coming once.

"You taste so good." He licked both my breasts, and the wet sensation of his tongue was awakening my nerve endings. He moved down my body with kisses that were gentle at first, but turned into teasing licks. He lapped sloppily at my clit, bathing it in warm wetness and intense sensation. If he hadn't been holding my thighs firmly down on the bed, I would have flown off it like some movie exorcism victim.

I was a panting mess after I came the second time, and when I opened my eyes, he was still lying between my legs, watching me with a crooked smile.

"More, baby?" he asked. I shook my head, but he ignored me. This time he stuck two fingers inside me. The rough sensation was incredible and he kept gently rubbing my poor sensitized clit. He was watching my body react to his every motion: my legs flexing and tensing, my body arching, my head moving from side to side, and my crazy noises. I started to lose it completely-trying to ride his fingers and take him deeper. My whole body bowed out for a long minute as I came yet again, and then I collapsed onto the bed.

When I opened my eyes, Jimmy had me cradled in his arms. His erection was firmly lodged against my tummy.

I definitely owed him for my whole out-of-body experience. I moved down the bed. His cock was rock-hard already, so I only tongue-bathed it and then took as much as I could into my mouth. I held on to the base and jerked it with my hand while I sucked on the rest.

Jimmy stuck pillows behind his head in order to watch better. I wanted to do something as fancy as he had, but I still wasn't thinking clearly. But from his expression, he seemed to be enjoying everything.

"God, Kelly. You were the most beautiful woman there tonight. Everyone wanted you, wanted to leave with you. And now, to see you doing this-for me-is so fucking amazing." He groaned. "Oh jeez-I'm close. You ready?"

I nodded. I could feel his cock throbbing in my mouth, and I sucked harder. He squeezed his eyes shut and started to come in jerky spurts. His body relaxed completely when he was done. I swallowed and crawled up to lie beside him on the bed. I was going to feel guilty tomorrow, but right now I felt incredible. Jimmy put his arm around me.

"This is definitely the best way to get to sleep," He sighed happily and we both passed out.

21.

Doppelganger

A low cloud of guilt was hanging over me when I got home from Toronto. Okay, technically I didn't have sex, but what had happened between Jimmy and me had been even more intimate. How was I supposed to make a rational decision when I did such stupid things? And how was I going to face Phil?

Luckily, I had a whole day to recover before I saw him. I was at reception when Arthur Kim came storming up.

"Kelly-the very person I wanted to see."

"Well, you always know where find me." It wasn't like the receptionist could wander around.

Arthur was one of my favourite people at work. He went everywhere since he coordinated promotions between the radio, television, and print areas. Frankly, I suspected his job was a cover to pick up gossip from every corner of C2C Sports. But I always enjoyed talking to him because he was hilarious and opinionated.

"Kelly, have you seen this?" He barged in front of me and pulled up a website on my computer. It had photos from the NHL Awards.

Shee-it. There was a photo of Jimmy and me together on the red carpet. We were holding hands. He was smiling, but I looked as nervous as I had felt. Although with all that makeup and the new dress, I appeared sophisticated and terrified.

"What about it?" I hedged.

"It looks exactly like you! And you were in Toronto then too."

"I went for a family reunion," I said, sticking to my cover story. Meeting some of Jimmy's hockey family counted.

Michael Hauser was walking by and added his two cents. "That doesn't look anything like Kelly. Well, maybe a little, but that chick is way prettier. And look at her tits."

We all peered at the screen where my boobs, thanks to engineering help, were way more prominent than usual.

"That chick's at least a D-cup. Kelly's a B, tops," Mike continued, not content with insulting only me. "You gay guys never notice the details that real men would. Anyway, what would an NHL superstar be doing with our receptionist?"