She was sorely tempted. "I'm only here for a couple days, Bernie. I'd like to spend it with the whole family. Tell Elizabeth Isaid hi. Maybe next time."

Everyone talked through dinner, except Mama. Cloe talked enough for two people and Rikki wanted to know about nurses' training. Hildie told them about the capping ceremony and her new uniform. She didn't say anything about being Lady with the Lamp or top of her class. She hoped Mama would say something, but she didn't.

She lay awake most of the night, staring at the ceiling. When she finally dozed off, Mama came into the kitchen and lit a lamp, keeping the wick low as she moved around on tiptoes, filling the coffeepot, making rolls, beating eggs. Papa came in, pulling up his suspenders. They whispered in German. Hildemara kept her eyes closed, pretending to be asleep. As soon as they both finished breakfast, they went out to do chores. Nice that Mama let Cloe and Rikka sleep in. Hildie had never enjoyed that privilege.

Throwing on her clothes, Hildie started a fire in the woodstove and filled a big pot with water. She ate a roll and drank coffee while she waited for the water to boil. Filling a pail with hot water, she took a bar of soap and a rag, got down on her hands and knees, and started scrubbing the linoleum.

"What do you think you're doing?" Mama stood behind her, a milk bucket in her hand.

"Helping, I hope." Hildie wrung brownish water from the rag. She'd have to scrub for a week to get this floor clean. She cringed at the thought of how many germs had been tracked in on Papa's work boots.

Mama sloshed milk as she slammed the bucket on the table. "We spent two days cleaning this house for your visit! I'm sorry it'snot good enough for you!"

Hildie didn't know whether to apologize or thank her and decided neither would do any good.

"Is this what you learn in nurses' training? How to scrub floors?"

Scalded by Mama's scorn, Hildie sat back on her heels. "And bedpans, Mama. Don't forget about that."

"Get off your hands and knees!"

Hildie got up, grabbed the pail of filthy water, and went out the back door. She slammed the screen door behind her and threw the water over Mama's flower bed. Tossing the bucket aside, she went for a walk, a long walk down to Grand Junction, where she sat and watched the mesmerizing flow of water. How was it possible to love Mama and hate her at the same time?

When she went back, the house was empty. She found Papa in the barn sharpening a hoe. The scream of metal against stone matched Hildie's feelings. When he saw her, he stopped. "You didn't go to the movie with Mama and the girls."

"I wasn't invited."

He shook his head and set the hoe aside. "They wanted you togo."

"How would I know that, Papa?"

He frowned. "I'm sorry no one came to your capping ceremony, Hildemara. We'll come to your graduation."

Old Dash rose and barked as Mama's car turned in to the drive. Bernie sat behind the wheel, Cloe and Rikki shrieking with laughter as they pulled in. Everyone piled out. Even Mama had a smile on her face until she saw Hildie sitting on a bale of hay in the barn. "Where on earth did you go?"

"To Grand Junction."

"You missed a good show." She headed for the house.

"I would've come if I'd been asked!"

"You would've been asked if you'd stayed at home."

Papa let out his breath and shook his head.

Hildemara headed for the house. She had tidied up Cloe and Rikka's bedroom earlier. When Hildie came in the back door, she lifted the hem of one of the quilts. "I made the bed with square corners. This is how we do it at the hospital. Everything stays tucked in this way. Looks nice and neat, doesn't it?"

Rikki threw herself onto her bed and lounged with her arms behind her head. "Mama thinks you're too high and mighty for usnow."

"Is that what she said?"

"She said you wouldn't put a cracked plate on the table. She said you threw away one of her prettiest plates just because you didn't think it was good enough for you to eat off of it."

"I wouldn't want anyone in the family eating off a cracked plate. Cracks are breeding grounds for germs."

"What are germs, anyway?" Rikki shrugged.

"They're living organisms so small you can't see them, but they're big enough to make you very, very sick. I've seen patients suffering with diarrhea, vomiting, fever, and chills...."

"Be quiet!" Cloe hissed. "You've hurt Mama's feelings enough."

"And it never occurred to anyone that my feelings might be hurt when no one bothered to come to my capping ceremony?"

"It's not like a graduation!"

"It was important to me."

"You've done nothing but pick since you got home."

"What are you talking about, Cloe?"

"Last night at dinner, you picked on Mama's canning!"

There had been mold growing on the top of the quince jelly. When Hildie didn't touch it, Mama wanted to know why it wasn't her favorite anymore. Hildie told her. Mama had scraped it off and plunked it down on the table. "There. How's that, Miss Nightingale?"

Hildie wanted to explain. "You've never seen people sick with food poisoning."

Cloe glared. "As if Mama's cooking would make anyone sick!"

Mama appeared in the doorway. "What are you two arguing about?"

"Nothing," Hildie and Cloe said in unison.

"Well, keep nothing nothing to yourselves!" She glared at Hildemara and went out the back door with a basket of laundry. Hildemara knew she had heard everything. to yourselves!" She glared at Hildemara and went out the back door with a basket of laundry. Hildemara knew she had heard everything.

Hildie hardly spoke the rest of the time at home. She went to church with the family and sat with Elizabeth and Bernie. She walked home with Papa.

"You seem to have a lot on your mind, Hildemara."

"Too much to talk about."

"I know how that is."

Mama drove Hildemara to the bus station. Hildie felt edgy with guilt. "I'm sorry, Mama. I didn't mean to insult your cooking or your housekeeping or-"

"I'm sorry; I'm sorry; I'm sorry." Mama put her foot down harder on the gas pedal.

Hildemara almost said she was sorry again, but bit her lip. "Old habits are hard to break."

Mama let up on the gas. "The world is dirty, Hildemara Rose. It's never going to be as clean and neat as you want it to be. You'll have to find a way to live with that."

Hildie sat up straight, blinking back tears, staring out the window as the vineyards and orchards flew by. She sat within two feet of her mother and felt a million miles between them.

Mama parked behind the bus station. She kept her hands on the steering wheel, the car idling roughly. "Will you be home for Easter?"

"Would you like me to come home?"

"What do you think?"

Hildie thought Mama would like it a whole lot better if she stayed in Oakland.

30.

Now that probation had ended, Hildemara had moved upstairs to the higher realms of student quarters. Her new accommodations consisted of two rooms sleeping four each and divided by a bathroom with one toilet, one basin, and one bathtub. "Paradise!" She hardly had time to get to know her new roommates. Another washed out after a month, packing and disappearing quietly after anight shift.

Weeks passed in a flurry of eight-hour duty shifts, doctors' lectures, classes, and examinations. When Hildie came down with a sore throat, Mrs. Kaufman checked her into the hospital for a tonsillectomy. It gave Hildie the excuse she needed not to go home for Easter.

Once back on her feet, she was assigned to work with Mrs. Jones on the general ward. "She's a warhorse," Boots told her. "Old as Methuselah. Served in the Great War and probably knows more about medicine than half the doctors in this hospital, but I'm warning you: Jones will expect you to be busy all the time. When you finish your duties, look for something to do to help out or she'll skin, skewer, roast, and eat you alive for breakfast. Or lunch. Whichever comes sooner!"

Hildie found backs to rub, pillows to fluff, bedpans to scrub, cupboards to clean, linen cabinets to straighten.

A new patient arrived and pressed his buzzer within minutes. Hildie went running. He waved his hand frantically. "A bowl." She held it for him while he coughed violently and gagged, spitting into it. He collapsed back. "I'm so tired of this cough." He wheezed, his face white. Hildie made a notation on Mr. Douglas's chart.

Another patient buzzed and Hildemara helped him with a bedpan. As she carried it to the utility room, Jones appeared. "Let me see that." Shocked, Hildemara handed over the bedpan, wondering why anyone would want to look at such an oozing mess. If that wasn't surprising enough, Jones lifted it and took a whiff. "Smells like typhoid to me." She looked grim. "We're sending a sample of this to the lab."

"Don't we have to have a doctor's order?"

"He's away right now, isn't he? I'll fill out the lab slip. We'll get it down before he can make a fuss." She took the sample to the lab herself.

The doctor stormed onto the ward and asked who she thought she was to fill out lab slips and give orders. She wasn't a doctor, was she? Jones waited for his tirade to wind down before handing him the lab report. His face reddened. Without an apology, he handed them back. "He'll have to be quarantined."

"It's already taken care of, Doctor."

He stormed off the ward.

Boots laughed when Hildie told her about it. "She's gone horn-to-horn with more than one doctor. She can't abide fools, nomatter how well educated. If she sees a hint of blood or pus, she's on it. And thank God she is. Have you ever seen a doctor hang around to look in a bedpan? Ha! That'll be the day!"

Mr. Douglas buzzed again the next morning just as Hildie came on duty. Hunched over, wracked with pain, he coughed. Exhausted, he could barely spit into the bowl she held for him. She rubbed his back and said comforting words. Jones stood in the doorway. As he flopped back in bed, gasping, she drew the curtain around the bed. She didn't have to ask this time. Hildemara held out the bowl. Jones barely glanced at it. "How long have you had this cough, Mr. Douglas?"

"Couple of months, I guess. Can't remember..." He panted.

"Too long. I can tell you that much," his roommate grumbled. "Keeps me awake all night coughing."

"Sorry about that." Mr. Douglas started to cough again.

"Can't you do something for him?" his roommate called out.

Jones edged Hildemara back from the bed and took her place. She put her hand against his back. When he finished coughing, she let him spit into the bowl again. "Try to rest. We're going to move you to a private room."

Hildemara wiped Mr. Douglas's forehead while Jones read the chart hanging on the end of the bed. She put it back, eyes bright with anger. She hid her emotions quickly and patted Mr. Douglas's foot. Motioning Hildemara away, she closed the door behind them as they left. "If that's bronchitis, I'll eat my nursing cap!"

"What do you think he has?"

"Full-blown tuberculosis."

The next morning, another doctor appeared, livid and ready for her blood. "I hear you quarantined my patient."

"I'm protecting my patients and nurses from contagion."

"Can you read a chart, Mrs. Jones?" He thrust it in her face. "Can you read bron-chi-tis bron-chi-tis?"

"If Mr. Douglas has bronchitis, no one will be happier than I. But until I see his test results, I'm taking precautions."

"You've overstepped your authority, and I intend to have you fired!"

His white jacket flapped as he headed down the hall. Jones turned calmly to Hildie and the two other nurses hovering at the station. "All contagion safety measures stand until such time as Mr.Douglas is removed from our ward or I'm proven wrong. Is that clear, ladies?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Jones went about her business without so much as a wrinkle on her brow.

Mr. Douglas disappeared from the ward a few days later.

Tension mounted and tempers flared among the roommates. "You have a dresser, Patrice. Use it!"

"My tennis racket won't fit."

"When do you have time to play tennis? Would you answer me that?"

"Would you all shut up! I'm trying to study."

"Wait until you work in pedie. That Miss Brown is a frustrated old maid. She never gives time off. I'll be lucky if I ever have a date."

Hildemara gave up and began studying in the library and sleeping in the upstairs sleeping porch. Nurses came and went. She often met Boots in the cafeteria. "When you graduate, you can move off grounds. We could find a little place to share, something close to the hospital."

Boots took Hildemara to the pediatric ward her first day. "Nice and quiet, isn't it?" She grinned. Only the soft step of their rubber-soled shoes sounded in the corridor. A cart squeaked; a door opened; another cart of breakfast trays; the metallic clink of knife, fork, and spoon; quiet voices-all the usual sounds of a working hospital. The doors to pediatrics lay just ahead.

Boots snickered as she planted her hands and shoved them open. "Hang on to your cap, Flo! You're about to find out why this section has heavier insulation and soundproofing!"

Hildemara stopped, assaulted by the sound of howling infants. Shrill and loud, low and plaintive, tempestuous whimpers and wails struck her heart. One pitiful voice among the rest cried, "Mommy, I want my mommy!" Like a wave the word moved down the hall from room to room.