UNDER HEAVY EXPENSE.

"I get an allowance now of twenty-five cents a week," said Jimmieboy.

"Good! Do you save it?" said the visitor.

"No," said Jimmieboy. "I pay it out in fines for being naughty."

ILL LUCK.

"I'm always having bad luck," said little Reuben. "Now just because I knew all my lessons by heart to-day, the teacher went and got sick, and wouldn't hear them."

CERt.i.tUDE.

When I hang up the racket, The paddle, and bat, When my red Tam o' Shanter Supplants my straw hat; When the cranberry's ripe and The turkey is fat, Thanksgiving is coming, I'm certain of that!

WALTER. "Papa, how do you p.r.o.nounce W-o-r-c-e-s-t-e-r?"

PAPA. "Wooster."

WALTER. "Well, if Worcester is p.r.o.nounced Wooster, why isn't Rochester p.r.o.nounced Rooster?"

NOT PLEASANT.

I'm glad I'm not a Hollander; I shouldn't like it much To have to learn when I would speak To say it all in Dutch.

ANECDOTES OF THE ABSENT-MINDED.

Another "absent-minded man" item has been received. This one refers to Ampere, the famous mathematician, who was noted for his absent-mindedness. On one occasion, it is stated that while walking along the street he mistook the back of a cab for a blackboard, and as a blackboard was just the thing he needed at the time, to solve a problem which had been vexing his mind for some moments during his walk, he made use of it. Taking a piece of chalk out of his pocket he proceeded to trace out a number of algebraical formulas on the cab's back, and followed the moving "board" for the s.p.a.ce of a quarter of an hour without noticing the progress of the conveyance. As to whether the cabman charged him by the course or by the hour, or even at all, the item does not inform us.

From the same source we have the following item: They have a good joke just at present on a well-known lawyer who is noted for his absent-mindedness. He went up his own stairs the other day, and seeing a notice on his own door, "Back at two," sat down to wait for himself.

TEACHER. "Can any one explain how the earth is divided?"

WILLIE (_with very important air_). "Between them that's got it and them that would like to have it."

"No, Willie dear," said mamma, "no more cakes to-night. Don't you know you cannot sleep on a full stomach?"

"Well," replied Willie, "I can sleep on my back."

FRED. "What does the grocer do with the things he sells?"

BEN. "Ties them up."

FRED. "No; gives them a _weigh_."

THE ICE CART

I love to drink a gla.s.s of milk, Or cider from the flagon, But best of all I like to munch Cracked ice behind the wagon.

TEACHER (_to cla.s.s in geography_). "Can any one tell me the princ.i.p.al products of the Sandwich Islands?"

JOHNNIE (_confidently_). "Sandwiches."