QUEEN OF DIAMONDS.

KING OF SPADES.

KING OF DIAMONDS.

JOKER.

KING OF HEARTS.

KING OF CLUBS.

KNAVE OF HEARTS.

KNAVE OF SPADES.

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS.

KNAVE OF CLUBS.

SCENE.--_Audience-chamber in the palace of the KING OF HEARTS. The thrones of the KING and QUEEN in the centre of the stage at back.

Near the KING's throne a small gilded three-legged stool.

Entrances R. and L. Three arm-chairs R. A bench L. At the rising of the curtain the JOKER is discovered seated on the KING's throne, leaning on one elbow, his rattle hanging idly in the other hand. He is apparently meditating. He speaks slowly, with a pause between each sentence._

JOKER. Peradventure it may seem improper for a fool to leave his lowly place and climb upon the throne. But no one's here to say me nay; and by my faith fools have sat on thrones before. What odds, then, if there's one fool more or one fool less beneath the dais? To be sure, my crown's a fool's cap and my sceptre's a rattle, and so, perhaps, not imposing; but it pleases me to sit here and fancy myself a King. Nay, laugh not.

It's the province of a fool to be foolish. And verily am I not a king?

Am I not monarch of all I survey? In truth I am, for I survey nothing, and am therefore King of Nothing. There's a t.i.tle for you--his Majesty the King of Nothing! (_Yawns and stretches and rises from the throne; picks up his stool, places it near the front, and sits down._) In faith the throne's no softer than the stool, and perhaps it is best for me to cling to this. It affords at least one advantage over the King. If he falls--and I fall--he gets the greater injury, for he tumbles from a higher place. (_Laughs softly, and then sings:_)

"For it's nonny, hey nonny, the Jester's song, It's nonny, hey nonny, hey oh!

For it's nonny, hey nonny, no life is long; Oh, merry be ye here below!"

[_As he sings the last line there is a loud noise of exploding fire-crackers behind the scenes, and the four KNAVES come tumbling in at the door L. in great confusion, all talking at once. The KNAVE OF HEARTS holds a lighted taper in his hand, and the other KNAVES carry fire-crackers and other fireworks under their arms._]

KNAVE OF SPADES. Thou didst it.

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Thou speakest false. 'Twas he.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "HEARTS DID IT!"]

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS. Never. Hearts did it.

KNAVE OF CLUBS. Hearts held the taper. He did it. Thou didst it.

KNAVE OF SPADES. Ay, ay, 'twas he.

KNAVE OF HEARTS. I say thee nay.

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS. He gives him the lie direct.

KNAVE OF CLUBS. I saw him. I saw him.

JOKER (_rising, shakes the stool in one hand, the rattle in the other, and shouts_). Silence! silence, ye riotous varlets! What is this now?

What is it? Why all this noise and debate?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Nay, Sir Joker, but it was the Knave of Spades.

KNAVE OF SPADES. Thou speakest false.

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS AND KNAVE OF CLUBS. Ay, ay, Hearts held the taper.

[_The KNAVE OF HEARTS quickly blows out the taper and throws it away. The KNAVES all begin to talk to the JOKER at once. He stops his ears and shouts._]

JOKER. Silence, I beg of ye! Silence! What is it, I say?

THE FOUR KNAVES (_speaking all together_). Good Sir Joker, let me explain.

JOKER. One at a time, I pray of ye! Now speak thou, Spades. What is this alarum? Whither go ye? And what bear ye? And bearing what, whither do you bear it?

KNAVE OF SPADES. Good Sir Joker, if you would ask but one question, and that direct, making it simple too, it were the easier to give a reply.

JOKER (_sitting down again_). Troth, for a fat Knave thou speakest plainly. 'Tis to be hoped thou canst hear as well. Now listen. Whither go ye?

KNAVE OF SPADES. To the banquet hall.

JOKER. And what bear ye?

KNAVE OF SPADES. Fireworks.

JOKER. Fireworks?

KNAVE OF SPADES. Indeed, fireworks.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "ART BLIND? CANST NOT SEE?"]

KNAVE OF HEARTS (_poking a large fire-cracker into the JOKER's face_).

Art blind? Canst not see?

JOKER (_much alarmed_). Away there, varlet, away!

KNAVE OF SPADES. Ay, fireworks, Sir Joker, for to-day 'tis the glorious Fourth.

JOKER. To-day the Fourth of July?

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS (_to the other KNAVES in a mocking tone_). He was well named "Fool."

KNAVE OF CLUBS. In truth he was; yet no name was necessary. 'Tis plain writ upon his face.

[_The KNAVES laugh loudly._]

JOKER. Marry, for a pack of rowdy varlets ye four do verily hold first claim, although you rotund Knave of Spades doth possibly deserve exemption. I prithee, Spades, whyfore all this preparation? Why these fireworks? And why so many large red fire-crackers?

KNAVE OF SPADES. Have you not heard of the King's banquet?

KNAVE OF HEARTS (_sitting down on the bench and shaking his head wearily_). Nay, Spades, ask him not. He has the a.s.s's ears, but hears naught.

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS. Or hearing, understands naught.

JOKER. By my halidame an ye ruffians bridle not your tongues, I will even on this torrid night fall to and smite ye till ye whine like hounds for mercy!