"Let's go, Bri." Brian, the bimbo, and the Sperm Donor walked down the patio steps and headed off to their lunch. "Later, Jer."

Kat stifled a smile. The guy was such a jerk. He had two sons and he routinely tried to get out of his obligations in supporting them. Sure, he wanted the perks of having the boys, of playing the hero father in front of his girlfriends, but that's where it ended. One thing for sure was that after that little scene he'd just pulled, Jeremy was as sick and disgusted by him as Kat was. Jeremy had started to see right through his father, because there was no birthday party planned. He'd made it up just to avoid having to go with him. She knew it was wrong to cover for the kid, but Jeremy shouldn't have to hang out with dad, the new Barbie, and his little brother who put their dad on a pedestal.

But it also made Kat sad. She turned to see Jeremy pulling Amber around the pool like he had earlier, and although there was this near-triumphant feeling knowing that Perry didn't completely win this time, it was tempered by what she understood had to be the effect on Jeremy. She knew what it was like to be abandoned by a parent. But at least in her case, she'd been an adult when it had happened. Jeremy was still a kid and Kat couldn't help notice a loss of innocence in his eyes as he realized how truly superficial his father's love was.

"Hey, you two. Come get your lunch."

Amber wrapped her arms around Jeremy and said, "I like you. You're fun."

He twirled her around and the water sprayed out from the ends of her feet. "You're okay, too, Monster. I think we'll keep you around." He boosted her onto the steps and Kat wrapped a towel around her.

"Thank you," Kat said.

"No, thanks, Mom," he replied.

They hung their feet over the side of the pool and ate their lunch. They'd have to talk about what had happened. She wouldn't allow Jeremy to wallow in feelings he probably didn't completely understand. But for now, the three of them would dangle their feet in the water and revel in the fact that, although it was one strange family, they were indeed a family.

CHAPTER TWELVE.

Alyssa Alyssa didn't know why she couldn't tell her friends last week about the letter. She'd even thought of telling Danielle about it over dinner after art class, but she couldn't. Why couldn't she be open like the other three? Who was she kidding? She knew exactly why. Alyssa knew she couldn't tell them because it would mean taking her three pals back to the very beginning and then they would wonder why she hadn't told them before. The past was so painful, and one of the things she really loved about Jamie, Danielle, and Kat was that they knew when to back off. They weren't friends who tried to pry you open as if you were a closed mollusk with some precious jewel inside. And Alyssa was simply not prepared to be that honest with them or even with herself.

She dabbed her paintbrush into a rose color and blended it with a deep red hue. Sade played over the sound system in her studio. Coffee brewed, filling the studio with its earthy aroma. The space nestled behind the gallery was too small to hold her classes in, but worked fine for her own time at the easel and canvas. The painting she currently worked on was taking on a darker tone than the ones she'd already painted of the boy with no name.

It was almost seven. She'd gotten there early because she hadn't been able to sleep. She'd tossed and turned and thought over the letter to which she hadn't responded.

In a few hours she'd put away her brushes and open the gallery for tourists and the few locals who came by every so often to see if she was carrying anything new. This place was her sanctuary, and a place where honesty dwelled. That was the worst part about having such good friends and not telling them her secrets; the feeling that she was being dishonest with them. They'd shown her their troubled sides, their woes, and she hadn't shown them hers. Look at Jamie and the problems with her brother-in-law, losing Nate, and now having to take care of her mother-in-law, too. Then there was Danielle and what was going on with her and her daughter. A pregnancy. A baby. Tough stuff. And Kat. Although she played it up like not much bugged her, like her ex and her husband's ex, and all the stuff they dealt with daily with the kids and the restaurant, Alyssa saw through Kat's tough exterior. All of it ate at her. Maybe Kat kept some things quiet like she did?

Alyssa set her brush aside and grabbed the wine glass that she was using as a prop. She placed her hand across the top of the glass and studied the lines in her hands and the light, the peach of her palm that bled into a soft caramel color. She picked her brush back up. She'd already painted the glass on the table in the painting and now she began to paint a hand-her hand covering the top of it. Before long, hours rushing by, she realized that it was almost ten o'clock and time to put her artwork away to open the gallery. She sat back for a moment and admired her work. It showed her hand covering a glass of red wine, as another hand reached out for the glass. It was a child's hand. The boy's hand. She wasn't finished with the painting, but she'd started to paint in the little boy's face reflected in the glass. She'd named the painting "Protector."

She took off her smock and washed her hands, then poured herself a third cup of coffee. Time to open. Alyssa walked to the front glass doors and unlocked them. She turned her sign around to show that she was open. The mailman showed up a few minutes later with a certified letter for her to sign. She thanked him and took the letter back into the gallery. The second one now.

How had he found her? Alyssa closed her eyes, memories flooding her, one after the other. The letter in her shaking hands, she read it. How would she handle this? Alyssa had no answers. What she did know was that everything she'd tried to protect, everyone she'd tried to protect, all the lies she'd told or the words she didn't say-none of it mattered now. The truth was about to rain down on her and everyone around her.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN.

Kat Christian came up behind Kat and wrapped his arms around her, nibbling on her neck and then her ear. She squirmed. "Careful. I'm dicing tomatoes." She held up the knife.

"I like it when you're feisty." He took the knife from her hand, set it down on the counter and kissed her hard. Then he twirled her around and said, "Let me help."

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. What are we making for the girls?"

"Pasta with pancetta, goat cheese, and spinach in a light cream sauce."

"One of my favorites. Simple but bursting with flavor." He smiled.

When he did, when he really smiled that way like he was truly happy, Kat couldn't help feel that everything was right in the world. His smile took her back to the moment they met, the wine, the dinner, and of course, the lovemaking. These days though, the lovemaking didn't happen often. It was rare that all three kids would be out of the house and time would present itself-time and no resentments. That morning there had been no kids around. And after a mimosa brunch with more champagne than orange juice, a little flirtation, the realization that all the kids were gone-one thing led to another and before long they spent some time kissing, fondling, loving, and definitely not resenting. And, in the aftermath, the resentments tended to stay at bay as well. Even later in the kitchen, while prepping-no resentments. The orgasms alone meant that they would have at least twenty-four hours of peace between them.

And then...

"Emily called me yesterday."

Whenever Christian mentioned his ex's name, the hairs on the back of Kat's neck stood on end as a warning signal. Warning! Warning! Duck and cover! "Uh-huh." This was Kat's typical response when Christian mentioned Emily.

"She and Baron are getting married." He continued dicing tomatoes.

"That's great. Maybe she'll mellow out on us a little."

"They're moving to the city."

"San Fran?"

He nodded.

"That's only an hour away. No big deal, right? We'll still have Amber on the weekends and most holidays."

He stopped dicing. "Emily wanted to know if Amber could come and live with us."

"What? Full-time?"

"Would that be a problem?"

Kat shook her head in disbelief. "Wait a minute. Your ex-wife wants to give her child up for most of the time? What kind of mother does that?"

"She's pregnant."

"How convenient. What, so just because you get pregnant with a new man's kid, you give the old one up to the ex-husband and his wife?"

"We have two kids here already. I don't see the problem."

"My kids aren't the point. The point is that Emily uses us. She uses Amber too. Despite having badmouthed me to Amber for the last three years, she just dumps her on us whenever she feels like it. The other day was the first time that, finally, I felt that Amber and I had a connection. I mean, the poor kid thinks I am the wicked witch of everywhere, not just the east. And now Emily expects me to come in and do the hard work that she doesn't want to do? Even though she thinks I am so horrible, she wants me to do the job and you don't have the guts to at least tell her that. Call her to the table, Christian. She has used us time and again, and made certain that we never have any time alone together."

"As if your ex and your sons don't do a good job of that themselves."

Kat didn't have a comeback. This was their problem. Neither one knew how to edit, how to not say every little thing they felt. If they weren't saying exactly what they thought and felt, then they were working hard to tuck it in a neat corner and pray they could keep it there. Invariably they could not. Thus, resentment.

Kat went to the refrigerator and took out the spinach. "I can finish this."

Christian set down the knife and looked at her. "You're going to play it this way then."

"I'm not playing anything. You. We are being played."

He walked out of the kitchen and yelled back, "I'm going to the restaurant."

"You do that," she mumbled, trying to keep herself from crying. She nicked her thumb good with the knife while chopping the spinach and that's all it took to bring on the waterworks. "Damn!" she whispered loudly, knowing that Christian was still in the house and that she didn't want him to see her cry. Never let them see you cry, right? Why did they play this stupid game with one another? Their anger wasn't about each other. Not really.

She heard the garage door close and the sound of the engine as he backed out. She sighed heavily and went over to her iPod and put on some Pearl Jam. For some reason, Pearl Jam always made her feel better, and she didn't have time to sulk. The girls would be over shortly. She needed to put on some makeup and appear together, even though inside she felt like she was completely falling apart.

"I think I'm a manic or bi-polar or something like that," Kat said. Danielle, Alyssa and Jamie looked at her, wearing various expressions of either amusement or disbelief. "No, really, I think so. I can be depressed all week about this and that, and then I plug in my iPod and dance around the house while I'm cleaning it or fixing a meal, listening to 'Better Man'...Even after I've had a major fight with Christian, all of a sudden I feel good, even great."

"'Better Man'?" Danielle asked.

"By Pearl Jam," Jamie answered.

"Oh," both Danielle and Alyssa mouthed.

"Yeah, so 'Better Man,' dancing like a lunatic, like a chick in college on Ecstasy. Then the next song right after that is 'Don't Give Up' by Peter Gabriel. You'd think I would have set my iPod so that all my 'up' tunes would play and not be mixed in with my downer tunes. When Peter Gabriel starts belting out words like 'Don't give up, you still have us,' I start bawling like a baby, so I have to turn it back to 'Better Man' to feel better."

"Can I ask you something?" Alyssa said.

"Yes."

"What is it about 'Better Man' that makes you feel better?"

"Maybe you're menopausal," Danielle said.

"I'm only forty. Don't you think that's kind of young?"

"You could be peri-menopausal," Jamie said.

Kat frowned and looked at Alyssa. "I don't know why the song makes me feel better. Maybe it's the music, maybe it's Eddie Vedder's voice, maybe the lyrics. I really don't know."

Danielle reached across the picnic table for Kat's hand. They were sitting in Kat's backyard, facing the swimming pool, the waterfall splashing into the pool, the odor of chlorine filling the air. "What's going on, Kat? This isn't about a song and I don't think any of us believe you're manic."

That's when the waterworks really started and they didn't stop for several minutes. By the time they did, her three friends had scooted in closer. Danielle still held her hand. Jamie had an arm around her and she leaned her head on Alyssa.

Kat choked back a sob and sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm being ridiculous. Maybe it is just menopause."

"Kat? What's going on?" Danielle asked.

She sighed heavily and then let it all spill. "It's everything. It's me. It's Christian. The boys. Their dad. Emily and Amber. Sometimes it's all so exhausting. You know Jeremy is seeing a counselor now. I took him last week after the Sperm Donor came by with his latest girlfriend and Jeremy didn't want to go with him. He lied saying that he had a birthday party to go to, and I covered for him. Then we talked and he told me that he is so afraid of turning out like his dad-of using women and being a liar. He said that at times he's even thought about killing himself because the last person in the world he wants to wind up like is his father."

"Oh no!" Danielle said. "No, honey, you know he doesn't mean that. I mean about the killing himself. He's a teenager. They go through this stuff."

Kat shook her head. "No. No. I don't think he would ever do that, but obviously he needs to talk to someone. For him to tell me this and tell me he feels that depressed, is huge. I had to help him. The counselor did say he was depressed and wants to put him on antidepressants. I don't know, though. I don't know how I feel about them." She wiped her face with the back of her hand.

"They worked for me," Alyssa said.

They all turned to her.

She nodded. "I've taken them in the past. They do really help. Don't discount them yet. Some people do need them and probably in Jeremy's case, it's temporary. As he finds his way into adulthood and discovers that he is nothing like his dad, but his own person, then it's likely he can come off of them. How does he feel about taking them?"

"He says he'll do whatever I want," Kat replied. "We're pretty close. For a few years there it was tough, but now, as he's heading into his senior year there's been a change and we've grown close again. He trusts me, I think. He doesn't have that with anyone else."

"What about Christian? What kind of role does he play? Can the boys talk to him about things?" Jamie asked.

Kat laughed sarcastically. "No. Christian's relationship with the boys is strange. I call Christian's issues with the boys the cave man syndrome. You know, he don't look like me, talk like me, walk like me-he no part of me. He part of Sperm Donor."

Alyssa shook her head. "That is a pretty antiquated, silly way to think. You really believe that's how he feels?"

"Yes I do. I know it sounds stupid, but the real deal is that the boys and Christian don't have much in common-nothing really. Christian grew up an outdoorsman. His grandfather taught him to hunt. His father taught him how to build things. His uncle taught him how to fight. Christian could probably win on Survivor. I keep telling him to try out. Guy can take some twine and a paper clip and he'd figure out how to feed a clan."

"Just because he can feed a clan doesn't mean he can handle a family," Jamie said.

"What can I say?" Kat said. "He makes me laugh. I mean really laugh, and you all know it takes a lot to make me laugh." She smiled.

"But what about your boys, Kat?" Danielle asked. "Does he make them laugh? Does he make them happy? You three were a package deal. Christian knew that."

"Yeah. I know. Guess I failed to think it all through before we got married. When it comes to the boys, it doesn't work. He doesn't get them at all, and they don't get him at all. For as much a caveman as Christian is, my boys are of the new era, the new age-they're videoettes. I gotta take the blame for helping them to achieve techno guru status. I haven't always been the best at setting rules."

"Oh for God's sakes, Kat. I have lots of friends with teenage boys, and you're not the only one battling the video game addiction. You can't put all that on your shoulders. They're good kids, right? They get good grades, and I know Brian plays tennis, doesn't he?" Danielle let go of her hand.

"He does."

"And isn't Jeremy in wrestling and on the debate team at school?" Jamie chimed in.

"Yes. He took second at the state championships last year. He says next year he wants to join the water polo team."

"Then I'm sorry, but Christian needs to get a grip here. This isn't so much about you. Time for your big boy to grow up and stop sulking that the boys belong to another man. That's just bullshit to deal with it. He's acting like a spoiled brat. Tell him to find something he can do with the boys. At the least suggest they have a movie night. He married into this family, now he needs to take the helm." Danielle's neck reddened. "Seriously, you are not a referee, or a babysitter. You are a wife and a mother, and a friend, and a sommelier and we love you, and your husband needs to get with the program."

Kat nodded. "I know. At times I think Christian wants to be a dad to them, but then he gets all weird because Brian is so close to his dad, so he backs off."

Danielle snapped. "Look at me." Kat took her eyes off her wine glass. "Stop making excuses for Christian. I did it for Al for years and look where that got my marriage. You've got to tell him, hon, you've got to tell him to step up."

No one said anything for a minute. Jamie broke the silence. "I think Danielle's right."

"Me, too," Alyssa said. "I don't think he needs to try and take over and play Dad with the boys. Sure, if he'd been around since they were young, but they were what, eleven and thirteen when you got married?" Kat nodded. "Being daddy is out of the question, but he can be a friend to them even if they have nothing in common."

Kat wiped away angry tears. Her friends were being honest, but that didn't mean their words didn't hurt. "I miss what we used to have. It was fun and easy. Well, maybe it was never easy, but at least we had fun. And now I feel duped, because when we first dated, Christian used to take the boys to ball games and to the restaurant and the city and the park. They did have good times together."

"What do you think happened?" Alyssa asked.

Kat shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe we both got complacent. Maybe we all got too busy. We opened the restaurant out here. We moved with him from Oakland to Napa. That was a big change for the boys." Kat twirled her empty wine glass.