The revelation that Ian's mother had been killed placed even more guilt on Alyssa. In some round about way she felt responsible for the pain that he had suffered when he'd lost his mother.

The waitress came by again and asked them if they were ready to order. Neither had even opened the menu. They briefly scanned it and both opted for the Kobe beef cheeseburgers. When the waitress left, Alyssa asked, "And how does your dad feel about you meeting me?"

He twirled his straw in his glass, and took a minute before answering. "He wanted me to. He said that I needed to. I had to. Like I said, he had already located you through public records."

She waited for him to elaborate, but when he didn't, she replied. "Good. It sounds like you get a lot of support. That's really good." Ian came across as an honest, gentle kid. Alyssa couldn't help but immediately like him and she couldn't help wanting to take him in her arms when he'd told her about his mother's death. She wanted to tell him that she wished she'd been there when he was one, two, three, twelve-all of it. But it was so very obvious to her that his parents had done a wonderful job raising him and at least one of Alyssa's questions had been answered: she knew that her son had felt protected growing up. The heavy weight she'd carried around for all of that time finally began to ease. Even breathing felt lighter.

"I'm glad you decided to find me." The waitress placed their burgers in front of them. "Well, you came all of this way. I am sure you have a lot of questions for me."

He set down his burger. "I do, but I'm not even sure what they are right now. I mean, I had some in my head while getting here and then you know, now I meet you, and it's kind of changed, and I'm not sure what to ask."

"What changed? I'm not sure that I understand."

He took a drink from his tea and cocked his head to the side, with his palm resting on his chin. "This is gonna sound weird but, even though I wanted to meet you, I also really wanted to not like you." He sighed. "I'm sorry if I'm blunt, but my mom always told me to be honest. She kind of put the fear of God in all of us. And now I kinda feel like she's always watching me, keeping me straight." He laughed.

"As they say, honesty is the best policy."

"I don't know if you can understand, but I thought if I met you and didn't like you, then it would be this huge validation for my parents, especially my mom. I don't how to describe this and the only thing I can think of, which isn't right at all, is that it's almost like cheating. By meeting you and liking you and finding out that you're not some horrible lady, I feel like I'm cheating on my mom." He cast his eyes away from her.

"That makes a lot of sense. But I don't think liking me invalidates who your parents are to you and what your mom means to you. She sounds like a wonderful woman. Like she was an amazing mother."

"She was awesome." He lit up and for some time told her all about his mom. Louise Thomas did sound like a great woman, and Alyssa wished she'd had the privilege of knowing the lady who'd helped raise Ian.

Over the next several hours, Alyssa and Ian got to know each other a bit better. Alyssa took him to her studio. They drove over to Sonoma Square about thirty minutes away and had coffee and dessert. She learned about his four brothers and three sisters, who were all from various backgrounds and two of them were even from different countries. One brother was from Mexico and one sister from Indonesia. They truly did sound like the original Brangelina clan. He told her about his first year of college at UCLA and his interest in majoring in film. He also told her about some of his friends, some girlfriends, sports he enjoyed. All in all, Ian had a pretty normal life and Alyssa was thankful.

He also never once asked her about his biological father and what had happened. He told her that his parents had said that she'd given him up for adoption because she'd been too young and not financially equipped to raise him. Alyssa agreed that was true. This was what she'd told the adoption agency and she'd chosen not to meet Ian's adoptive parents.

Ian followed Alyssa back to her house that evening, where she made her best fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and a fruit salad for him. He ate every bite and the hole in Alyssa's heart began to sew itself up. "You're staying at a hotel?" Alyssa asked.

"Yes. The Best Western. My dad made the reservation. I have to call him as soon as I get there."

"Why don't you stay here with me? I have room."

He nodded. "Maybe I could. I should call my dad and see what he thinks."

Alyssa wanted to remind him that he was almost nineteen and he didn't need his father's permission. Throughout the day, Ian had brought up his dad quite a bit, and Alyssa was feeling uneasy about Ian's adoptive father and wondered if he might be more overbearing than protective. Worries resonated in the back of her mind, and she tried to ease them by reminding herself that Ian had grown up happy and healthy and that Ian's father's reactions to meeting her was normal. "Sure. I'll rinse the dishes and I have some Haagen-Dazs Chunky Monkey."

"Yeah! My favorite. You know that Beastie Boys song?"

"'Brass Monkey'?" Alyssa said.

Then in unison they sang, "That chunky monkey." Ian pointed at Alyssa, who cracked up.

"You like the Beasties? Cool. Know what my favorite movie is?"

"What?" she asked.

"You'll never guess, cause it's so random."

"Try me," she replied.

Ian turned around, his back to her and then flipped back toward her, chin ducked, lips puckered and eyes at half mast. She slapped her knees. "Uh-uh. No way! Zoolander!"

"You're good."

"What's not to love about Ben Stiller?"

"Seriously," he replied. "Besides Jack Black, he's probably the funniest white guy around."

"I think I would agree with you. Now, go call your dad and I'll get the dishes. Afterwards, I'll see if you can guess my favorites."

"Deal," Ian replied.

While in the kitchen rinsing the dishes, Alyssa could hear Ian's voice drop as he spoke to his father. She didn't want to eavesdrop, but sensed that something wasn't quite right. She leaned against the wall closest to her small den where he'd gone in to make the call. "No Dad, I haven't told her yet. No. You don't need to fly up here. I can do this. No. She's super nice. Yes. I like her. She's a good lady."

Alyssa sighed. What was it he needed to tell her? What was Ian's dad so concerned about?

"Okay. I will. Yes. Okay, Dad. I know. I know you're worried. I feel fine. I really do. I'm good. I'm a little tired. Yes, I'll call you back. I love you, too."

Alyssa hustled back into the kitchen.

Ian came in a minute later. "My dad says that if it's okay with you, then I can stay."

"Good it's a done deal. Here's your ice cream. Want some hot fudge on it? I already put it in the microwave."

"Sure."

She got the fudge out of the oven and poured some on their ice cream. They took their dessert and sat down on the couch in front of the TV. "Your family is good?"

"Yes." He'd grown quiet. "Alyssa, I have to tell you something."

"Okay." She felt nauseous.

"I got sick a few years ago, before my mom died."

"Sick?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Real sick, actually. I had cancer. Leukemia. Then it went into remission."

"Oh." It was difficult to find the right words to say as a mixture of emotions began running through her. "It's good though that it's in remission, right? That's good, right?" The feeling in her gut told her this was not good. He didn't say anything and the reality of the silence hit her. "It's back. Isn't it? Is that what you're telling me?"

He nodded. "Yes. I found out two weeks ago and they wanted to start chemo immediately. But I needed to contact you first."

"I'm so glad you did, but the leukemia. Tell me about this." She clasped her hands together to keep him from noticing that they were shaking. Her body from the inside shook all over as if a freeze was coursing through her.

He nodded. "This is going to sound bad and I don't know how to make it come out right. I did want to meet you and I am happy that you are so great, but I had to find you." He sighed. "My doctor says that I need a bone marrow donation and he says that I have the best chance for a match through a relative-especially a sibling-and I totally understand if you don't want to be tested and I wouldn't blame you. I'm sorry to spring this on you. I didn't know what else to do and my dad wanted to come but I had to do this by myself. Do you have any other children? Could you be tested?" His words poured out in a rush.

Alyssa took his hand, shoved away her own fear at the sight of his. She quickly realized that Ian needed someone strong to lean on in that moment, and she was his only option. "Hey, hey. Okay. It's gonna be okay. I don't have other children. I don't, but of course I'll be tested. Absolutely."

Ian-her son-wrapped his arms around her. She held him tight and something clicked so strong inside her in that moment, something she'd never felt before. A fierce need to rescue, save, protect. To protect this boy. Her boy.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN.

Kat It was a two-for-one Wednesday. Kat was picking up her mother from the airport at one o'clock and Emily was dropping Amber off that evening. Kat wasn't entirely sure how she'd get through the day, but as she did with everything that went on in her life, she'd make it. It wasn't that Kat didn't love her mother, but the mother she had today was not the mother of yesteryear. It was the mom of her childhood that she missed and longed for.

Kat's mom had been the Brownie troop leader for both her and her younger sister, Tammy, the room parent, the field trip driver and the stay-at-home mom who made scraped knees better with a swipe of the washcloth and a kiss. Their home was not anything elaborate, but a nice home in Oakland and it was always spotless. Mom had been the one to sit and do homework with Tammy and her, drive them to and fro from dance classes to piano classes. She'd been supermom.

And Dad worked. He was a car salesman and a damn good one. Kat remembered when he was promoted to the GM position and took her sister, her mother and her out to the best Chinese restaurant in the city and then to see the Benji movie. The four of them would watch Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley together. They had a dog named Spot and a cat named Tiger. They even had a frigging gold fish that they had named by all putting names in dad's baseball cap and randomly selecting one. Mom's name won. It was Guru. That right there should have been a sign. Kat was eleven at the time and Tammy had been nine--and Mom had already begun enlightening herself. She watched that yoga woman on PBS every day. She started reading books by Ram Dass and Shirley MacLaine-who quickly became her idol. But she didn't do much more than that until Kat was out of the house, married to the Sperm Donor and involved with two babies.

Then it happened.

One day, Kat's mother packed up, gave her dad a hug, thanking him for loving her and providing for her for all those years, but informing him that she needed more. More! Her mother needed more what? Oh, lest it be forgotten that by this point Dad had owned his own lucrative dealership. Mom had enjoyed all the luxuries that go along with a little money in the bank. Things like cruises, designer clothes, nips and tucks in sagging areas, and a lot of relaxation. As far as Kat had been concerned, the more that her mother needed shouldn't have had anything to do with "broadening the soul's horizons," but more of visiting her grandchildren, for starters. That would have worked out well, and filled her up. Grandmas do grandma things. They don't move to ashrams, become yoga instructors, and name themselves after a fucking planet.

But, no! Her mom left behind her father, who quickly turned into a shell of a man and it was only recently that he'd begun to live again. She'd also served Kat's sister, Tammy, up on a silver platter to Kat. Tammy had some issues. Actually quite a few.

Kat's sister had not been able to escape the clutches of painkillers. At twenty, Tammy had been in a serious car accident while driving around late at night with another addiction-bad boys. She'd broken her pelvis and back. Those hours, days, and weeks in the hospital spent watching her baby sister suffer were memories Kat loathed. But it was the days after Tammy went home, went through painful physical therapy and emotional upheaval that Vicodin, Percocet and Darvocet became her sister's best friends. And as Tammy's best friends began to control her life, Mom looked more and more to her New Age wisdom, turning a blind eye to Tammy's problems. And Dad became the consummate co-dependent. He provided Tammy with money, a place to live, clothes, a car, food, medical insurance-whatever she needed. Kat's dad was a good man.

The times spent with her dad were some of the best times in Kat's life. They would see a movie together once a month. As kids, he would take her and her sister to this old school diner for breakfast every Saturday morning before he set out to the dealership. If he would get home in time before they'd gone to bed, he'd always come into their bedroom and tuck them in, kiss them good night, and tell them stories.

Kat wondered if Dad knew that her mom would be in town for the summer. She should tell him, just in case they ran into each other. Dad had uprooted when Kat had moved with the boys and Christian to Napa, just as Christian's ex had. Apparently everyone had decided Napa was nicer than Oakland. Yeah. No-brainer there.

She was not sure how her father would react to the news, but she probably owed it to him. Her fingers crossed, she hoped this wouldn't throw him off kilter. Mom had gone off the deep end and lost herself in incense and mantras, but Dad on the other hand, had actually found himself.

"Hi, Mom," Brian came into the kitchen interrupting her thoughts down memory lane, and headed directly to the fridge where he opened the carton of milk.

Before he got the carton all the way up to his lips, Kat cut in. "Do not even think about it if you want to live another day. Use a glass."

He frowned and went to the cupboard. "Grandma coming today, huh?"

"Yep. I have to head out in a bit to go get her. Hey, why don't you come with me? We haven't hung out for a while. I miss you." More and more, Brian had been hanging (his word) with his dad. School was out for the summer and between Dad time and his video game addiction, Kat hardly saw her younger son.

"I can't. Dad and I are going to play tennis and then see a movie. Take Jeremy."

"Jeremy is over at Guy's house. They've each got a few more volunteer hours to do for their required senior year community service. Guy's mom arranged for them to work down at the shelter for the afternoon, which by the way, you should get a jump on. Don't wait until right before your senior year to cram in sixty hours of service."

"I know." He nodded.

Kat doubted he'd heard a word she said. "But Bri, you've spent a lot of time with Dad lately and I'd like someone to drive with me, and I'd like it to be you. We always used to talk and joke and it'll be fun. We can get burgers on the way. Your grandma would be so happy to see you. Come on. You can go play tennis with your dad another day."

Brian gulped down his milk and turned to his mom. "What is it with you?"

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah. You have a problem with Dad."

"I don't have a problem with your father."

"Whatever." Brian started to walk out of the kitchen.

"Brian Patrick! Come back here."

She heard the aggrieved sigh down the hallway. "What, Mom?"

"Get in here. You can't say something like that to me and then walk away. I think this is something we should talk about. But first, you need to change your tone with me."

"What tone?" He walked back into the kitchen and grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl.

"That one." She pointed at him. "That smartass sarcastic tone, like you think you own the world and I am only here as one of your many servants."

He stared at her like she was crazy.

"What do you mean I have a problem with your father?"

He sighed again. "Like every time I make plans with him, you get all weird."

"I do not."

He nodded. "You do, Mom. You kind of freak out."

"Actually I never say a word about it. I should, considering that neither your father nor you, for that matter, seem to have any consideration that we have a schedule set up. So far this summer it seems it's been all too laissez-faire and I haven't pressed the issue."

"Yeah, cuz I'm old enough to make those decisions."

"Who told you that?"

"Dad. He said that since I'm fourteen I can decide who I want to live with even."

The heat rose to Kat's neck. Blood rushed through her ears and every nerve set on edge, but instead of blowing up she took a deep breath. "That's not entirely true, Bri. It really isn't. Family courts make those decisions and that decision has been made. You live here and you visit your dad."

"You know that Dad still loves you." Brian took a large bite out of the apple.

Kat closed her eyes and sighed. Wasn't he too old for this? Sure, kids always wanted their parents back together, but she and Perry had been divorced for almost five years. "No, he doesn't, sweetie. I mean not in the way that you think." How does one negotiate these waters? "Sure, as a friend." There was a blatant lie. "But honey, your daddy does not love me anymore and I don't love him." Brian frowned. "I mean I love him for giving me two of the best gifts in the world-you and your brother, but that's it. I'm sorry."

"Whatever. But Dad does love you. He told me so himself. He says that you're the best thing that ever happened to him, and he's sorry he ever hurt you, and he totally takes the blame, and if he ever had another chance..."

Kat held up her hand. "Bri, there isn't going to be another chance with your dad. I loved him once. I love him for you guys and that's it. I'm married to Christian now and that's who I love."

Brian looked down. Kat placed a hand under his chin and lifted it to look at her. "I'm sorry, baby. I am."

He sucked back his breath and nodded, his eyes watering with a combined look of sadness, anger, and fear. Divorce stuck forever. In fact, the word divorce alone should be defined as an emotion and not a thing that happens to people. It was this constant emotion that dulls for some, but it was ever present for others. Kat could see that for her youngest son, that this emotion took front and center in his heart and mind regularly. And God, if she didn't ache in return because of his pain. If she could only take it away, eat up the darkness for him, and rid him of it.

"Whatever, Mom."