"I'm sorry. I was stupid to come here without you. I just-"

"You just do whatever you goddamn want anyway. Isn't that right?"

Squeezing my eyes shut, I fought his words along with the string of regrets rattling through my brain.

Then he kissed me.

My fractured thoughts vanished the instant our lips touched. Rough and pent up, the kiss was all consuming. I lost myself in it. His tongue breached my lips, tangling with mine. Never had I wanted Blake to be the man touching me more than now.

We struggled for air, breaking the kiss only long enough to catch a breath before coming back to each other. His hands were everywhere, stilling me by the hair. Then down my chest, the heel of his hand lingered over the hard point of my nipples pressing through the dress. My eyelids became heavy, my nipples tender and needy to the point of pain. Desire was a living thing, blazing under every touch, demanding more. I needed his skin on me. I needed relief from all of this.

I gasped against his lips when his hand found its way between my legs and he coaxed his way up the center of my thighs. I clenched them together, wanting his touch, but not here...

"Do you want to be punished? Is that why we keep finding ourselves in these situations?"

I shook my head, suddenly uncertain of my answer. He slid his hand to the hot apex between my legs and nudged them apart. I squirmed, but he was firm. Bypassing my panties, he dove into the place where I was soaked with arousal. A soft cry left my lips. I pressed my chest against him, wanting him closer, wanting his body to somehow shield the world from the way he was turning mine upside down.

"Fuck." He parted his lips slightly, his eyes going dark.

He retreated and lifted me over so I was astride him. My dress slid up and I struggled to push it back down. I was completely open for him. Lust and shame battled for real estate in my brain. What was he doing to me, and why did a little part of me undeniably want him to?

"They'll see," I whispered in a panicked hush.

"No one can see us."

His kissed me again, and I forgot my vulnerability. His tongue drew a decadent path from my ear down my neck where he sucked hard at my collarbone. He was marking me. I wanted him to.

I moaned. My hands stopped fighting his advances and went to his shirt. Fisting the fabric, I held onto him, as if somehow he could anchor me through this storm that he'd created inside of me. He stroked my wet flesh, thumbing my clit and plunging his fingers deeper into my pussy. I fought the impulse to arch my hips into his movements as I would have had we been anywhere else.

"Blake, we shouldn't." My voice seemed far away, lost in the riotous emotions that outweighed any words.

He was silent, using his mouth instead to kiss me breathless. All my reservations were in vain. The need to come overwhelmed the voices in my head shouting at me to stop this madness.

He nipped at my lip. I shrieked at the flash of pain. His eyes were dark, lust and fire burning in their depths.

"You're right, we shouldn't do this. I should be punishing you, not fucking you. You make me break all the rules, Erica. I just want to see your face when you come. I want to hold you when you fall apart."

His fingers curled up, grazing the sensitive spot inside of me that made me see stars. I sucked in a sharp breath, my entire body seizing.

"Blake, oh God. What are you doing to me?"

I was going to come. A flick of his fingertips would send me over, and I was helpless against it now. I surrendered to the chase for more of Blake's touch, my hips moving in time with every little shove. This was crazy, but all I could do was feel.

Fuck it. I wanted the world to know he was mine and I was his. I didn't care who was getting flogged or sucked, and I didn't care who was watching them or us. Remy or Tessa or any of the other nameless faces. The only person in my world was Blake.

"Blake. Oh no, I'm coming."

"That's right. Come so I can take you home and fuck you until you scream."

His thumb worked a tiny magical circle over my clit and I was lost. I bit down on his shoulder, determined not to cry out. I couldn't be one of these people.

Using his hips for leverage, he went deeper. A helpless, shuddery cry left my lips as the orgasm tore through me, stripping me of everything that didn't matter.

I was one of these people.

Rational thought began to return, very slowly. Blake held me, caressed me. When he licked my arousal from his fingers, my body immediately responded. A sharp ache inside me demanded more. I wanted to please him, and I desperately wanted him to follow that mind-bending orgasm with several more.

Reaching down between us, I found his cock hard and bulging in his jeans. I moaned, brushing my breasts against his chest. I kissed him feverishly, tasting myself on his lips. I was so out of my mind with desire, I might have done anything. Limits seemed like a far away concept.

He closed his eyes, his jaw going tight as I massaged him and kissed him.

"I want you," I whispered, nibbling along his jaw.

"Not here."

"Please."

He caught my wrist, stilling my torments. "Let's get out of here."

I drew in a deep breath, sobering myself. I eased myself from him and after a slight adjustment, Blake stood, bringing me with him. We went for the door, traveling the same path I'd taken going in. I was nearly running after him to keep up.

"Wait!"

A woman's voice rang out down the hall. The girl who'd taken my coat earlier ran toward us with the garment.

"Thank you," Blake said, taking it from her.

"You're welcome, Mr. Landon."

She flashed a look to Blake and ducked her head demurely, hiding those stunning blue eyes. My nostrils flared. I didn't like what I saw there. Something too familiar, like adoration.

The girl disappeared down the hall, and Blake held out my coat for me to put on. "Let's go."

We walked across the street where Blake's Tesla was parked. I slid into the passenger seat, my thoughts suddenly an epic jumble. What had we just done? Who was the girl? What the hell was wrong with us?

Blake pulled out of the spot and began driving home. I stared out the window, unable to keep my curiosity in check.

"Do you know her?"

"Who?"

"That girl."

He shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe."

Maybe? A new surge of jealousy sent a wave of adrenaline through me. How many of these women had been with him? Blake reached for my hand.

I moved away, avoiding his touch. "Don't touch me."

His laugh was acid in my veins. "Really? Don't touch you? You almost begged me to fuck you in the booth a few minutes ago. Now you don't want me to touch you?"

I stared silently out the window. Go to hell.

"Erica." His voice was softer. "You came to a sex club I used to frequent and you expected me to be anonymous? You opened the door. Honestly, what did you expect would be on the other side of it?"

"I guess I wouldn't know, since you never told me."

Emotion was thick in my throat. He was right, and I was a fool.

"How many of those women have you had?" My voice cracked. I kept asking questions I didn't really want answers to.

He stared toward the road. "I couldn't tell you. I didn't go there to remember. I went there to forget."

My heart fell. "To forget Sophia?"

He paused. "Maybe at first."

I was silent. I had tortured myself enough. I wasn't going to coax out anything else that could hurt me tonight.

"Her needs appealed to a compulsion for control that I was still trying to get a handle on. When our relationship ended, the club was all that was left. A game. Going through the motions toward a foregone conclusion."

"Is that what I was too? A foregone conclusion?"

He was quiet for a long time and my misery only grew. We parked in front of the apartment and ascended the stairs in continued silence. Tossing the keys down inside, he put his hands on the counter, seemingly lost in thought. After a moment, he straightened and faced me.

I lingered by the door, waiting for him to make the next move. This night had been twelve shades of messed up.

"This is going to hurt, but it seems like you're on a quest for answers tonight, so I'm going to give them to you." He drew in breath. "You're not the first woman I've seduced, and you're not the first woman I've fucked. I'm sure you already know this."

I winced. I wanted to believe that we'd had nothing but love from the start, but I knew it wasn't true. Not even for me. Lust, preoccupation, obsession. Somewhere in the tornado of all those things we'd found love. Still, I wasn't sure I wanted the truth anymore. I was already hurting too much.

I walked past him into the bedroom. His footsteps followed behind me. I slowed in front of the bed and tore off the tight dress Alli had lent me.

"Are you going to listen to me?"

"No," I answered brusquely. I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. "I was a conquest, I get it. I don't want to hear anymore about your sexual exploits, Blake. I think I've had enough eye-opening for one night. Clearly I'm way out of my depth."

I was trembling again. My stomach knotted and tears threatened.

"Baby..." His fervency was fading. "Whatever you're trying to find out about me is right here, wishing like hell you would just let us be us. Together, now. Fuck the past, and fuck the people we used to be and the people who made us that way."

Tears stung behind my eyes. "Just leave me alone." I stepped into the shower, shut the door, and let the too hot water scald my skin. When I opened my eyes under the stream, Blake had left.

CHAPTER TWELVE.

Tension released in muscles I didn't realize were holding any. I lathered up, eager to wash away the club. Remy's touch. The air in the place, thick with sex and strangers. Christ, all I wanted was Blake and the comfort of his arms, and now I was pushing him away. All I'd wanted was the truth, and now I couldn't stand to hear it. But Blake was my truth, even when it hurt. He was my home, the one person in my life who gave me a reason to stay still and keep faith that together we could be more than our pasts.

I hid in the shower for a few more minutes, determined to pull myself together when I emerged. I toweled dry and found the bedroom empty. I wandered into the living room. Blake sat on the couch, a tired and bleak expression on his face. I sat beside him, tucking the towel in place at my chest. He didn't move to look at me.

"I'm sorry. For what it's worth, it's been a crazy day, and an even crazier night. Sophia sent me something."

He looked toward me then.

"A...gag. She said it used to be yours and hers. Sent it with her best wishes." I grimaced at the snide tone of her note and how deeply it had hurt me. "She gave me the address of the Perle. It was a complete mindfuck. This whole thing has been. Ever since I overheard your conversation with her that day, I haven't been able to stop thinking about the club and what it means to you."

"I know," he said quietly.

I sighed, relieved that he'd at least sensed my struggle if I hadn't always verbalized it. "I love you, Blake. I want to know everything about you. Even the things you think I don't want to hear..."

A few empty minutes passed. "Sophia's a bitch," he stated matter-of-factly.

I smiled. "That I think we can both agree on."

He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. When no words followed, I inched closer. I feathered a touch over his hand. He turned it up and I laced our fingers together. I leaned my head against the back of the couch. "Talk to me."

He exhaled unsteadily. "I honestly couldn't tell you what I wanted to happen between us at first. I know I was incredibly attracted you, and yes, I wanted you in my bed. Nothing's changed there, except now I love you, deeply and beyond all reason. And the person I was back then, at the club, wasn't capable of loving anyone."

I tightened my hand in his.

"I love you, more than you'll ever know, Erica. But under that, I want to make you mine in every way. I'm hard every time I think of you and we're not together. I think I could live the rest of my life making love to you. I don't know what it is... Call it chemistry. Call it you being the most frustrating female I've ever met. You defy me like it's your fucking job. It drives me crazy." He ran a hand through his hair, leaning his head back against the couch. "The twisted thing is I think it turns me on...and getting you to submit to me afterward is turns me on even more."

I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the way it turned me on too. "Why?"

He lifted his head and looked at me. "I have no idea. It's a fucking kink. Why do you get impossibly wet when I spank you? Why does your body go soft when I dominate you? We could psychoanalyze it all damn day."

"But she's the reason why."

"She turned me onto it, yes. I won't deny it. But she took it too far. She wanted me to choke her, mark her. Then the drugs. She was a self-destructive mess, and the way she needed me made me question everything. I need control, Erica. I thrive on it. It's so deeply embedded in how I live my life now. It puts the world in order for me. And for a long time, after Sophia, I couldn't imagine bringing someone else into that kind of relationship and have it be a healthy one. Even now, I question everything it's doing to us."

He shook his head. "Even knowing your past with Mark, I couldn't stay away. I tried to be someone different, someone better for you. Then you kept coaxing me back to the person I knew how to be. I've been walking this line, trying to be the man you deserve and give you everything you want."

"You are, Blake, and you do."

"Yeah, but sometimes things go too far. For all my wanting control, I lose it. Sometimes I can't turn it off. I wish I could always pick and choose our moments. I know your body and I know what you want. But sometimes I can't turn off what I used to want, and it scares the hell out of both of us."

My throat worked on a swallow, thick with emotion. "Blake..."

"I don't want to hurt you, Erica, but I know I have. You worry that you're not good enough. You say it sometimes, and I can see it in your eyes. It kills me, because you have no idea how many times those words have echoed inside of me. Because you don't deserve me dragging you into all this darkness. I don't have to worry about not being good enough for you, because I already know I'm not."