I am serious. I am going to lose my life in a few weeks and I just want to spend as much time as I can with you. Please, please stop trying to fight the inevitable...

I want so much to say my thoughts out loud, but I know it will only upset him. So once again, I play along.

"So what is it about this story that you think could help?"

"The Amulet. If it's still around, maybe it will give me enough power to somehow get the Dy out of you."

"It's just a story. It's not real."

"Noah's real. He was at the Summit."

"It's a fable. Some parts are true and some aren't. I mean blue rain? C'mon. How strong would your pain have to be to drain the blue from the sky?"

"I know but sometimes there are clues in stories. In songs..."

"And even if it was, I'm sure Lucy would have destroyed the Amulet along with Demetri," I protest.

"I just thought..."

"What?"

"I don't know," he admits sadly.

"We have traveled to far-off villages looking for accent elixirs that would help and we found nothing. We sought out powerful Paras in Daraquin, we even went to an eye doctor," I pled.

He looks up at me, and even in Difi, he was in better sprits. I sit on his lap and look into his eyes. Even the thought of getting to kiss him causes my heart to leap. He leans in and presses his soft lips against mine. Blood rushes to my face. A familiar, delicious spark zooms down my spine. I kiss his bottom lip and go in hungrily for more.

Suddenly he breaks off the connection.

"What's wrong?"

"There's a book I read last week-where is it?" He practically throws me off of him and rummages around in the stack of books.

"Marcus, enough," I beg.

"Wait, there's just one more thing I need to look up-"

"Enough."

"No. I'm close to-"

"I SAID ENOUGH!" I take the book in his hand and hurl it across the room.

He looks at me, puzzled.

"I can't do this anymore."

"Emmy-"

"NO. I have sat here for weeks watching you tear the world apart looking for hope where there isn't any. You cannot save me. I am going to die."

"You aren't going to die"

"I know this is difficult. I know it hurts you. But it's my death and you're leaving me with no room to grieve. Every second of the day I have to think about putting up a brave face for you. I'm tired. I'm so tired."

"Emmy, I-"

"Stop holding on to hope, or clues or fables."

"Then what the h.e.l.l else am I suppose to hold on to?"

"Me."

"You don't want me to hold you. You want me to say goodbye to you."

"You were going to have to leave me anyway."

"That is not the same thing," he protests.

"Why not?"

"When we go into the Light, you're still supposed to be alive. You can still have a life after us. After me."

"After you? You think there's something "after" us?"

"The point is we were supposed to come here, get the map and let you go on with your life. You aren't supposed to die."

"Neither was Reese or Sara or my mother. But they did. They died and I will, too. Nothing you do is going to change that."

"Why are you so okay with dying? What is so wrong with your life?"

"I'm not okay with dying, but I am also not okay with spending the time I have left scouring old books."

"What if there is something here that can help you?"

"What if there isn't?"

"I won't accept that."

"You have to be realistic."

"You want me to tell you that I am okay with you dying; I'm okay with being the one who ends your life."

"Marcus, I'm begging you. Please, give me this one thing: accept the situation."

There's desperation so deep in my voice, it goes through my soul like ripples in a pond.

"Emmy, you could dive to the ocean floor and barely reach the depths of how much I love you. I would give you all my lifetimes, my wings, my soul. But please, don't ask me to accept this."

He pulls me close and whispers in my ear, words a First Guardian should never say: "I'm not strong enough..."

CHAPTER TWO: FIREWORKS.

It is weeks later and still, we are no closer to finding a way to save me. I wanted to suggest we have a Thanksgiving meal together, but I don't. Marcus is in no mood for a get-together. So the month of November pa.s.ses in a blur of tension and false hope, just like the month before it.

We are now in the second week of December. I'm in my apartment getting ready for the final days of school. For most students it's the final days before winter break. For me, it's just the final days.

Almost everything in the apartment reminds me of my mom, that's why I spend most of my time at the Guardian's house. My Uncle Max wanted me to come stay with him and his family but I said no. Not only would Marcus not let me out of his sight, I felt like leaving the apartment was somehow like leaving my mom. That's why no matter how long I stay away, I always come back home.

Uncle Max wasn't okay with me staying here alone. I had to get Jay to Convince him that I was fine. My uncle isn't the only one concerned. Ben's mom brings me food all the time. Unlike my mom, she's a great cook. But no matter how amazing the meals are, I tend to take only a few bites. Knowing you are going to die does something to your appet.i.te.

I have not gone inside my mom's room since she died. I can't bring myself to open the door. I know its crazy but with the door closed, I can always pretend like she's behind it: she is somewhere in her bedroom rereading a Bronte novel and at any minute she's going to call me because she got to a really good part and wants to read it out loud to me. It's like with the door closed, she's still alive.

"Hey, we're going to be late for first period!" Miku shouts behind the door. Marcus insists I go to school. He doesn't want me to get behind. We all know that it's silly but so is recording your dead mom's favorite show, like she's coming home to watch it later. I guess denial is the great new drug. And Marcus and I are addicted.

"Miku, come in," I shout back, as I try in vain to do something with my hair other than a ponytail. I swear if I was given the choice of powers, it would be the power to make my hair look like it came out of a glam mag. The power to take out demons is cool but maintaining perfect hair, that's real power.

Miku comes into my room and shakes her head at me.

"Your hair looks fine, it's time to go."

"I know it's just..." I sigh and put it in the same old ponytail it's always been in.

"We need to go, don't make me get Redd on you," Miku jokes. It's great that she can laugh about having Turned, but deep down I know she's still dealing with a lot of guilt from having murdered someone. If she had forgiven herself all the way, the crimson would be gone from the tips of her wings.

Since Redd has gone back to being Miku, there are still some Angels who fear her. Sometimes they see her and start to tremble. She goes out of her way to be nice to them but the fact is, once you rip some guy's heart out with your bare hands, it's hard to make nice.

"Pretty, can I ask you a question?"

"I knew it!" she shouted.

"What?" I ask.

"It was Rio's turn to come up here and get you, but he said he wanted me to go. I asked him why and he said 'no reason' but I swear there was a little smirk in his voice. He read your Wave and he knew you wanted to ask a question that was embarra.s.sing."

"Well..."

"I'm gonna kill him!" she said to herself.

"Okay, I don't have to ask," I said, giving her my best "puppy dog" sad eyes.

"Okay, okay. What is it?"

I perked up and closed the door behind her. Even through we were alone, I felt better knowing we were behind closed doors.

"How do I get Marcus to have s.e.x with me?"

"You're a girl. He's a guy. Consider it done."

"Yeah, I know he wants to but how do I actually make

him do it?"

"Emmy, we're going to be late."

"Pretty, I am going to die in a matter of weeks. I don't want to leave this world without having made love to Marcus. Please help me; how do I seduce him?"

"Just do what you normally do with guys."

I avoid her eyes and try to play it cool.

"Oh, okay. Sure. I didn't know if Angels were different in some way."

"Marcus is your first boyfriend, isn't he?"

"Kind of..."

"You have to be confident when you approach him. Don't do the "Emmy-self-doubt" thing."

"I don't have a-" she raises her eyebrows.

"Okay, I won't do that," I vow.

"Good. Next you look in his eyes, then slowly lean in like you're about to kiss him--"

"Wait! I need to take notes," I announce, as I scour the room in search of pen and paper.

"d.a.m.n it!" I shout as my search turns up nothing. I turn my room upside down. Miku calmly takes me over to the bed and sits alongside me.

"You don't have to write it down. All you need to do is be in control. Be confident. And remember he wants you."

She suppresses a smile and lets me go over it yet again.