Joe bows his head.

The ocean no longer looks beautiful to me. I see only it's dark, destructive side. I am like the sea. I close my eyes and say a prayer for Portia. For Sherri. For Rush and Jeremy.

For Austin.

When I open my eyes again, the waves still crash against the rocks, the same way they did a thousand years ago, and will for a thousand more. It occurs to me that if I am the sea, the giolla are the rocks, solid and unflinching. Destroyed one pebble at a time.

Eventually, so much living, so much dying, takes its toll. I don't judge the giolla who opted out before Mick, and I'll understand if Mick decides not to continue. I would do it myself if I could.

Austin thought I was strong, brave. But I don't think I can ever be the fighter he thought I was. It doesn't feel like there's anything left to fight for.

Blake and Mick make their way up the trail slowly. When they get to the top of the trailhead, Mick pulls out his cell and phones in the boat wreck. We all turn and walk up to the house together.

We pause in the driveway. I just want to go inside and collapse on the nearest soft surface, to sleep for the next week. The next year. There's one thing I need to do first. I reach into my pocket and pull out the silver wolfsbane charm.

"Joe," I say. Blake, Joe and Mick all watch as I unfold my palm. "I think you should have this back."

To his credit, Joe doesn't argue. He takes the charm, and nods silently. "You're opting out?"

"In a manner of speaking."

Blake steps toward me. "You'll be defenseless."

"I'll be offense-less too."

"You need your power." Blake's eyes dare me to disagree.

"Having powers didn't save Sherri or Portia." Or Austin. "I'm done fighting."

Joe curls his fingers around the charm. "Rush was right about one thing."

"What?"

"You're the least like a bandia of anyone I've ever met." Mick sets his hand on my shoulder. "Come inside. You need to rest."

Joe puts the charm in the pocket of his duster and heads down the driveway. Blake doesn't follow. Our eyes meet and hold. I see only grief in his face, and I'm sure my expression is no different. We've both lost so much.

Mick gives my shoulder one last pat and walks inside without me.

Blake's eyes search mine like he's looking for answers to the questions neither one of us is ready to ask. "So this is it?"

"Good luck saving the world." My smile is forced.

"What will you do?"

"Sleep."

"And then?" A dimple appears on his cheek. Now that the bond with Portia is broken, Blake is already starting to look more like his old self. Part of me is glad. I want him to be okay.

"I don't know. Senior year? Maybe MIT. The gateway is sealed. I won't be tied to any one place." To any one person.

He looks at the ground. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry. About everything."

I close my eyes against the reminder of what happened to Austin in Avernus. It's not that I wish that Austin didn't save Blake. I would've done the same if I could. Austin would have probably died anyway. Liam couldn't have intended to let Austin live. All I know is that now when I look at Blake, I see what he's not. He's not the boy who trusted me even when I gave him reason to doubt. He's not the boy who loved me no matter how much I pushed him away. He's not Austin.

I don't know how long I close my eyes, but when I open them again, Blake has his back to me. He walks down the driveway to a white sedan. He never looks back.

When I turn around to walk inside the house, neither do I.

SIXTY-ONE.

I spend another week at Lorcan Hall. I just go through the motions. I sleep and eat and ride, but I don't dream or taste or feel. I've taken to sleeping in Austin's room, where his smell still lingers in the closet, the pillows, the sheets. Even that's disappearing, as time erases him.

Tomorrow, I fly back to Rancho Domingo. In two weeks, I'll start senior year, right on schedule. I'll bury myself in books and theories and logic, but my heart will remain here. As permanently as the low wall that was once a castle. As ruined.

We haven't had visitors, so it's a surprise, when Mick comes into the blue room and announces Shannon. Mick is the master of the house now, since Austin left everything to him, but I guess old habits die hard.

Shannon carries a large box, big enough to fit a pair of riding boots inside. "How're you holding up?" "Do you want some tea?" I deliberately ignore her question. She's just being polite. No one really wants to know that I'm breaking into pieces and losing little bits of myself that I'll never get back.

"I can't stay."

Did I say that out loud?

She holds up the box. "I hope you don't mind that I did a bit of personal shopping for you."

"What?"

"It came in yesterday, and I knew you'd want first crack at it." She opens the box and a slip of shiny gold fabric peeks out.

I catch my breath.

She unfolds the dress slowly. It's even more beautiful than what Austin described, with a swath of metallic fabric across one shoulder, a fitted waist and a flowing skirt with a slit in the front that should hit just above the knee.

"It's perfect," I say.

Shannon squeals. "It's exactly like you described. Did you see it in a magazine?"

"Something like that."

I don't blink as Shannon tells me the price, even though I'm fairly certain my parents would not approve of my spending so much money on one dress. But from the second that hint of gold peeked out of the box, I knew I would buy it.

It's even more beautiful on. It reflects the sunlight, sending showers of light on the gra.s.s and flowers along the trail as I make my way through the trees.

I pause at the ruined wall, fingering the little horse charm on my bracelet. Part of me wants to rush in. To find Austin and never let him go. But I'm terrified of what it might do to me. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to lose him again.

I'm more afraid of letting this moment pa.s.s, so I slide the charm into the faded slot.

The fog surrounds me, covering me in a damp blanket. I tremble as I float. The field gradually comes into focus. I feel the wall of the ruin at my back, hard and scratchy against the thin material of my dress.

The field is empty, except for purple wild flowers that dot the meadow. I wait for a few minutes, but no one comes. I'm alone.

I walk towards the hill. The path is wider and easier than it was on the way up, paved by thousands of hoof beats making a daily trek form the house to the field beyond.

I see a flash of brown hair in the distance. I pick up my skirt and start running.

I run headlong into Austin, throwing my arms around his shoulders and hanging on tight. His arms come around me as he struggles to stay upright against my a.s.sault. He steps backward and loses his footing, falling sideways into the gra.s.s. I fall with him. He rolls onto his back, carrying me with him.

He opens his mouth to say something, but I don't give him the chance.

I kiss him.

He tastes exactly like I remember, like smoke and heaven. He kisses me back, his hands in my hair. We roll in the gra.s.s until his weight is over me. I close my eyes and try to memorize the feel of him, running my hands along his cheek, his shoulder, his waist.

When he finally ends the kiss, his crooked smile nearly breaks me. "That was a welcome for all time."

It will have to be. I bring my hand to the flop of hair that hangs in his forehead. "I missed you."

"Did you now? I cannot imagine that I would ever leave you for long enough to miss me. If you kiss me like that in the future, I am quite sure I follow you around like a puppy."

I laugh, and kiss him again, softer this time. Sweeter. "I love you." A tear falls down my cheek before I can stop it.

"And this makes you sad?" Austin rubs my cheek with his thumb. "What have I done?"

You died. You made me love you and then you died. I shake my head. "Nothing."

"Lying to me is not a good way to start this relationship."

It's the beginning for him. I'm jealous of all that is ahead of him, even if he does have to wait over a thousand years for it. I kiss him again, as much to touch him as to keep from having to tell him my secret.

Austin props himself on his elbows, lifting some of his weight from my chest, but letting his hips sink deeper. "If you do not tell me what I have done in the future, how can I try to make sure it doesn't happen when I get there?"

"You don't believe the future can be changed. You always say that fate will out."

Austin laughs. "I sound like a sodding fool."

"b.l.o.o.d.y fool."

"That too. So you are unhappy with me in the future?"

I keep my words wrapped up tight. No one wants to know that they are going to die. Not the when. Not the how. And certainly not an immortal. "You could say that."

"But you love me?"

"Very much."

"Then I imagine we will get through it."

I can't stop the tears.

Austin kisses them away. "I cannot wait to meet you for real." His hand brushes my hair away from my face. His brown eyes light with gold. "To know you."

"It ends badly," I finally admit.

His smile is warm. "Then we will have to make the most of the time we have."

We won't. I will bind my soul to another boy and Austin will hurt my horse and my friends and me. We will only have each other for a few precious weeks before he is gone, gone, gone.

Before he leaves me forever.

I force a smile. "It won't go so smoothly at first. Don't give up on me, okay?"

"I am fairly certain that you will not be able to stop my pursuit."

I laugh, burying my hands in his hair and pulling him closer.

"What in the G.o.ds' names is going on?" Gwyn stands over us, her hands on her hips.

Austin straightens my skirt before he moves off of me, standing to block Gwyn from my line of site. I scramble to my feet, finger combing my hair.

"What brings you to Lorcan, Gwyn?" Austin's voice is laced with a superior air, as though Gwyn is the one who has committed the indiscretion.

She lifts her chin sharply. "I have been thinking."

Something glints in the sunlight from where her hand is resting behind her skirt. I move forward, but I can't see what she holds.

"A dangerous pastime for a girl of your stature."

Gwyn ignores Austin's insult and smiles as her mother and another girl walk up behind her.

Danu's dark hair is crowned with yellow and purple flowers, just as it was the first time I saw her in Avalon. She is as beautiful as I remember, but less serene looking. She glances at my dress and matted tangle of curls. I pull a dried leaf out self-consciously.

"This is the girl you would take over Gwyn?" Her question is directed to Austin, but her anger is leveled at me.

Austin's laugh is cold. "You set your sights too high, even for a halfling."

The girl with Danu steps forward. She looks like Danu, with dark curls that fall past her shoulders. She must be Bronwyn. Gwyn takes Bronwyn's arm, but keeps her other hand firmly behind her skirt.

Danu turns her back on her daughters to glare at me. "Gwyn's lineage is uncompromised. There is no better match for a G.o.d to start a new line."

Gwyn straightens her shoulders and grins. I see the flash of silver from behind her again. I'm able to make out the ivory handle as she moves her hand, but by the time I see the silver blade, she is already lifting the knife to strike, poised to literally stab her mother in the back.

I charge her.

I run as fast as I can, using my head as battering ram. I knock her forward, sending us both careening to the ground. The knife falls out of Gwyn's hand.

"Have you lost your mind?" I grab for her wrists, but Gwyn strikes me hard in the face, knocking me backward.

Bronwyn drops to her knees and reaches for the knife, slashing at my face. I roll away from her and push myself back to my feet. I'm hit by a strong blast of wind. It knocks me straight back. My head hits something hard. Everything is silver.