Mercy started crying. "Oh, Ann! You're my best friend!" and she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a hug. "How can I ever thank you?"

I had to wrench her left hand away from me. "You can thank me by keeping that hand away from me!"

"Yeah," Hannah said with a grimace and fanned her face. "P-U! Your finger stinks!"

"I thought I smelt a a.s.shole finger somewheer," Zenas said.

a.s.shole fingera"Jesus. That's the course my life was taking. I guess it took Mercy a minute to remember. She sniffed her finger...

And screamed.

We made Mercy keep her hand out the window during the drive home.

Kezzy turned around a sec while she was fussing with her perfect f.u.c.kin' blond hair and said, "You're finished for the night, girls, and I'm delighted that you all pa.s.sed your second day of initiation." She batted her lashes. "That's the good news." Me, Hannah, and Mercy all looked scared s.h.i.tless at each other.

"Uh, Miss Kezzy?" I asked. "What's...the bad news?" Now the b.i.t.c.h was plucking her eyebrows in the visor mirror. "The bad news is that tomorrow will be exponentially worse."

The nights after each hazing were pretty much the same, the nightmares, I mean. First I'd dream that Joseph Corwan, from the portrait downstairs, would come into my room and f.u.c.k with me one way or another. He'd jerk off, rub his d.i.c.k in my face, feel me up, put his face between my legs, whatever. I could see it but I could never feel it. Then he'd disappear like a ghost and a little later, Zenas would lope in and spit on me, blow his nose in my mouth, or hock a big ole loogie on my t.w.a.t a" gross s.h.i.t like that, and sometimes he'd jerk off afterwards and make me eat his nut. Then a little later, Kezzy would be sitting on my face and just when I kind of started to like it, the snake would drop out of her cooze and slide down my throat.

And sometime later?

I'd either wake up, or dream I'd woken up, and I'd be lying there paralyzed, and I'd hear that weird s.h.i.t at a really low volume, over and over for what felt like hours, those words in Kezzy's voice but words that made no sense: Shub neb hyr'ik eb hyr'k. Ogthrod ai'f geb'l, ee'h yog-sothoth...

I mean, my memory's for s.h.i.t. I never remembered anything; Christ, I couldn't recite the Star Spangled Anthem to save my life. But every morning, I could remember those words, that gobbledegook, Shub neb hyr'ik eb hyr'k. Ogthrod ai'f geb'I, ee'h yog-sothoth...

f.u.c.kin' weird.

But we all felt really great when we got home that second night after the cl.u.s.ter-f.u.c.k at the American Legion. Kezzy let us eat some yogurt, then we all went up and took a shower. The shower was like a mini locker room shower, four nozzles, and after having to give each other a tongue-bath, none of us were self-conscious about being nude in front of anyone else.

"What do you suppose we'll have to do tomorrow?" Hannah asked, sudsing up.

"Something really f.u.c.ked up," I suggested. "Best not to think about it."

Mercy's face looked maniacal while she scrubbed her finger. "One thing I'm not doing is sticking my finger up any more stinky b.u.t.ts!"

"Don't be too sure," I said, cranking my water up hot. I opened my mouth under the spray hoping to wash out the taste. "She warned us the worst is yet to come, that prissy hosebag. G.o.d knows what her demented brain will think ofa"something really worthy of the sewer."

"Oh, NO!" Mercy wailed. She held her finger up. "I've got that old man's p.o.o.p under my fingernail!"

For f.u.c.k's sake. "You're lucky that c.o.c.ksure blond c.u.n.t didn't make you fist the guy."

"Huh?" Mercy said, eyes bugging. "Fist? What's a" "

"Don't ask." She was about as naive as they got. I'm glad I was able to help her get through the s.h.i.t today, but I wondered how well she'd hold up during the rest of the week. I had to frown at her, though. I mean, she really did have a lot of pubic hair, and when it was wet it hung down like a soggy black mop. "And, Mercy, take some advice from a friend and trim your bush, huh? That's a s.h.i.tload of hair you got down there."

She looked baffled. "But...it's my natural state! It's the way G.o.d wants me!"

"I seriously doubt that G.o.d cares how you keep your bush, Mercy." I guess I was being hypocritical 'cos I know my box looked like s.h.i.t, just like the rest of me. But at least I kept mine trimmed. "I mean, how much do you weigh?"

"Well, a hundred," she said.

The b.i.t.c.h. "Then I guarantee only ninety of that is you and the other ten is pubic hair."

"Yeah," Hannah said. "Do yourself a favor and trim it. These days guys don't like a girl who's real hairy down there."

Mercy shrugged. "I don't care what guys like. I guess when I get married some day and my husband wants me to, I will. But since I'll never have s.e.x out of wedlock, I'm not really worrying about it."

"En't no call ta shave that theer girlie hair," that awful New England drawl echoed in the shower.

"What are you doing here?" I yelled at Zenas. "And a" " My jaw nearly disconnected from my head when I got a load of what he was wearing. The other girls were actually shrieking.

Zenas was wearing a f.u.c.kin' bikini. No bull. The hairy, muscular chest was gross enough, and so was the top, which had sponge b.a.l.l.s or something in the cups. But the grossest part was the bottoms. See, the crotch had a slit in it, and from there all his junk hung out.

"Oh, man!" I bellowed. "You look ridiculous in that! Get the f.u.c.k out!"

"Yeah!" Hannah shouted. "Pledge Week or not, men aren't allowed in the girls' shower!"

"They is if'n Kezzy says so," he replied.

"What?"

Zenas nodded, while kind of flexing all those muscles. "Ee-yuh, it was Kezzy who told me to come up heer." He started fondling his limp meat. "Fer yew're punishment, fattie."

"Punishment?"

The next voice to echo through the shower was Kezzy's.

Correction: f.u.c.kin' Kezzy's.

"It's bewildering, Ann, that you can do so well one minute, then completely f.u.c.k up the next," her bodiless voice drifted. It was from a speaker hidden somewhere, which could only meana"

"You've got a microphone in the shower?"

"I believe I made it quite plain last night that Alpha House is rife with microphones. Really, Ann? 'Prissy hosebag?' 'Demented brain,' worthy of the 'sewer?' Oh, and my favorite thus far. 'c.o.c.ksure blond c.u.n.t.'"

I might as well have shoved my own foot in my mouth. I fell to my knees looking up at wherever this hidden speaker was, and begged, "I'm sorry, Miss Kezzy! Please believe me!"

"Oh, I do indeed believe you're sorry, Ann. And you'll be even sorrier once your punishment has been dispensed." She chuckled. "Let's just hope that a certain other part of your body is as large as your mouth..."

Hannah and Mercy were hugging each other, and screaming like a couple five-year-olds on a really scary roller coaster when Zenas got down on his knees behind me and started sudsing up my crack with the soap, but they screamed twice as loud when he'd stroked himself fully hard and, without even a pause, pushed it all in my a.s.s to the b.a.l.l.s. I'm not much of a screamer, but even I screamed at that.

"Nooooo!" Mercy shrieked.

"It's way too big for that!" Hannah yelled.

"Aw, new. Gals' a.s.sholes're like wild bucks. All yew gotta dew is bust 'em in."

I swear, it was like having a f.u.c.kin' eggplant shoved up there, the fat-end first. That's how much it hurt, I breathed like someone about to drown while that monster was plunging in and out. Zenas chuckled kind of to the rhythm and reached under to slap my belly fat while he was doing it. "Ee-yuh, juss like a big piglet, yew is, heh, heh, heh."

"Oh, come on, man!" I begged, and now I was crying like Mercy always did.

"Ooo, whut's thet I feel up'n thar? Yer gall bladder, mebbe? Let's juss see if we curn't pop it..."

"Stop it!" someone else bellowed, and the surprising thing was...it was Mercy. She'd broken away from Hannah to boldly come forward a" mousy hair sopping wet, gritting her teeth, rage in her eyes. "Enough is enough, Zenas! You can't just sodomize girls any time you want! So STOP DOING THAT!"

It had to be the first time in Mercy's whole f.u.c.kin' life that she actually got mad and yelled at someone. But once she did, Zenas stopped sod-pounding my b.u.t.t, and he just looked up at her.

"So's...yew want me ta stop?"

"Yes! Stop it!"

"Wal, awright, but theer's one condition. See, if'n I pull my c.o.c.k aout'a fattie's backside, then I'll be slidin' right into yours, stringbean."

"Keep doing it, Zenas! Don't stop!" Mercy started yelling. "It's no big deal! She's done it a bunch of times before any way!"

"Thought so," he chuckled, then got back to pounding.

"Oh, thanks a lot, Mercy!" I yelled. How do you like people, huh? You help them out but do they ever return the favor? f.u.c.k no. Couple minutes later, by the time I felt like I'd had my a.s.shole sewer-rooted, Zenas got his nut. He must've thought my a.s.s was a crankcase and figured I was a quart low 'cos that's how much it felt like he pumped in there. Then he pulled out, sudsed up his junk, and was kind enough to rub it all around in my hair before he rinsed off.

"Theer. Mebbe thet'll tone down some'a yer sa.s.s. And if'n it durn't, I guess I'll juss have ta bring a buddy ovuh heer, an' we'll git both our c.o.c.ks up yer a.s.s at the same time."

"Don't bother!" I yelled. "I'm now 100-percent sa.s.s-free!"

"Juss make shuh yew stay thet way."

Zenas loped off, and that's when I called it a night.

My a.s.s hurt so bad the next morning, it felt like I'd just had f.u.c.kin' colon surgery. Right off the bat, Kezzy asked, "Why, Ann...are you unwell? You appear to be in pain with every step you take."

"That's because I got a d.i.c.k the size of a Pringles can rammed up my a.s.s last night...Miss Kezzy," I said.

"Yes, and you're aware as to why, aren't you?"

"Punishment," I kind of peeped. "For running my mouth..."

"Good. I hope you learned a lesson."

You bet I did.

We had more salt-free pretzel rods while she and Zenas scarfed down these giant crab-meat omelets. I'll bet that b.i.t.c.h could out-eat that j.a.panese guy who'd won the world hot-dog-eating contest. But, you know, that's another thing you constantly notice when you're fat. The slim, beautiful people can stuff their faces all they want and never gain an ounce, but me? If I eat, like, one candy bar, I put on five f.u.c.kin' pounds before I'm even done eating the motherf.u.c.ker.

Anyway, here's how the deal went for the next four days. Twice a day we'd go "something-ing." The Old Manning on that second night was nothing compared to what Kezzy had in store for us, and she wasn't kidding when she said the rest would be "exponentially worse" than blowing those old t.u.r.ds at the American Legion. First up? Are you ready for this?

"This afternoon, ladies," Kezzy announced after her crab-meat omelet, and then she paused and grinned at us all. "We're going Kenneling."

I ain't kiddin' ya. Kenneling. She piled us into the Rolls and Zenas took us straight to the Happy Doggie Pet Motel, and there were definitely some happy doggies at this place. That psycho Kezzy paid off the kennel staff to give us the green lighta"they had three dogs waiting for us: Hannah got the German Shepherd, Mercy got the Jack Russell, and me?

I got the Great Dane.

Mercy and Hannah kind of went into shock just looking at these dogs, but I set an example, I guess. It's a state of mind, I told myself. I just had to get into that state, and then I could do anything.

No way in a million years would I have even thought about doing something like this a week ago. But now? The carrot Kezzy was dangling in front of me was my f.u.c.kin' inheritance.

I was not going to throw in the towel now.

Hannah and Mercy started screaming when I got down on my knees and just started...doing it to the Great Dane. His name was George, by the way, and he was a big a.s.s dog. You ever seen the d.i.c.k on a 150-pound dog? It's like a sheath, and inside the sheath is this long pink flesh-covered bone. You start sucking on the end of that sheath, then the pink part starts to come out. George's tail-nub was wagging away while I had my face down there. I just kept my mind blank...and I did it. (Oh, and the f.u.c.kin' thing's b.a.l.l.s had to be twice the size of a dude's.) It was the grossest thing I'd ever done in my life, but I'll tell you, once I got started, it kind of broke the ice, then Hannah and Mercy started doing it too a"all the while Kezzy stood back with her arms crossed right next to the seriously f.u.c.ked-up-in-the-head kennel workers and they were laughing so hard they were making every other dog in the kennel bark. I was really surprised that Mercy did it but then, she had it easier 'cos the Jack Russell was tiny compared to the mutts Hannah and I had to blow. Believe it or not, we all got our dogs off and we choked the doggie j.i.z.z down without a hitch. (I won't bother going into just how much a Great Dane comes, or what it tastes like.) Sure, it was the lowest point of my entire life but when I was done...

I felt that I'd really accomplished something, something that very few people would have the guts to do. It made me think of what Kezzy said that one time, about me having "resolve." Yeah, I f.u.c.kin' guess so. When you suck a dog's d.i.c.k to get into a sorority, one thing you've definitely got is resolve.

Things got a little out of hand when George started trying to f.u.c.k Mercy, but I gotta tell ya, it was funny. She pa.s.sed out just like at the American Legion, so me and Hannah dragged her out of that f.u.c.kin' zoo. You should've heard the dogs barking when we left.

Only in America, huh? Next time you check Fido into a pet motel, you might want to think twice 'cos you never know. Some whacked out sorority pledges might be blowing your pets while you're on vacation.

After the dogs, we figured nothing could be worse than that, buta"

We were wrong.

See, that night, Kezzy took us "b.u.mming."

Little homeless shelter in Wilbraham. Took us a long time to get there. "I'm not doing it, I'm not doing it!" Mercy was having a conniption in the Rolls, and Hannah sat there the whole ride, crying with her face in her hands. "You're the team leader, Ann," Kezzy said. "So... Rally your team." I guess she was right in a way. I shook both the girls around and said, "Listen! We can't quit now! Are we quitters? Were we quitters at the American Legion last night? Were we quitters at the dog motel? f.u.c.k no! We're Alpha House girls, and we don't quit! We've come this far, and we're gonna keep going! It's easy. We got through the dogs, didn't we? We'll just keep our minds blank and do it, and before we know it, it'll be over and we'll be another day closer to getting into the sorority! Just follow my lead!"

I guess that roused them a little, but when we finally got to this stinky place, I had a real low feeling in my gut. Kezzy paid off the two social workers there, and they took us to a room full of bunk beds, and this room had, like, ten b.u.ms in it. f.u.c.kin' guys with mops of gray hair, rotten clothes, rotten sneakers, all sitting around eating canned sardines and chuckling with black teeth. Kezzy announced, "Several days ago, girls, you proved what you were made of by licking others privates after having not washed in a day. But these gentlemen?" She extended her hand. "They haven't washed in months."

Hannah and Mercy moaned, so I just kept on being the team captain. "Who's first?" I asked, then just picked one sitting on his bunk picking his nose. He looked like f.u.c.king Santa Claus from h.e.l.l with this big dirty beard full of lice and bits of food. "Drop your pants, Pops. Let's get this party started." The guy pulled his pants down, then peeled down his underwear. I looked at the other girls. "Just hold your nose, keep your mind blank, and do it!" I yelled, and then I got on my knees and started sucking this homeless rummy's unwashed-for-months d.i.c.k.

You should've heard these useless f.u.c.ks all laughing while we were doing it. Lot of 'em had fleas, and I swear one guy had ants living in his crotch-hair. Then there was another guy with some rash all over half his head, and it looked like he had s.h.i.t packed in his belly-b.u.t.ton.

"Let's not forget the Alpha Pledge Credo, girls," Kezzy reminded. "Suck and swallow."

And that's what we did, all right. The worst smells I've ever known in my life were those smells. These guys all had old s.h.i.t-smears in their shorts, horrendous s.m.e.g.m.a, and breath that could send G.o.dzilla packing. And their j.i.z.z? It tasted even worse than the dog's. We each blew three guys but then there was that tenth one a"the rash guy a"so when we flipped a coin?

You know who lost.

The f.u.c.kin' guy's c.o.c.k was, like, slimy with b.u.m sweat, and there was, like, some kind of grit on it, too, and to tell you the truth, I almost couldn't get through it with him, but I knew d.a.m.n well Hannah or Mercy wouldn't help me out. Then he kind of wet-farted while I was doing it, and it's a good thing I didn't have a gun on me, 'cos I would've capped that homeless waste product without thinking twice. Sent the stinky f.u.c.k to that great shelter in the sky. I'd always felt sorry for homeless people, but now? f.u.c.k 'em. Wouldn't bother me if the state just ground 'em up for fertilizer or something, make prisoner food out of them. Chain 'em to stationary bicycles connected to generators for electricity a"hey, there's an idea!

I could see little bugs moving around on this loser's b.a.l.l.s, and when he came, it was like... Well, he must've had something wrong with him 'cos it tasted like he had blood in his j.i.z.z.

But it all went down the hatch anyway.

When we got back in the car, all nauseous and dizzy, it really was a confidence-booster to hear Kezzy say, "Congratulations, ladies. Only two more days of hazing to go. I couldn't be more proud."

I believed it.

"This all went very well," she was saying. "It's the first time we've had a b.u.mming session. Last few years the pledges would go Nursing Homing, but that was just too grim. And a" you'll be pleased to hear this a" when I was a pledge the S.S.S. made us go r.e.t.a.r.ded Peopling, and that just got way out of hand. In the old days, the girls would have to go Chain-ganging, and I can only imagine what a hoot that was. Can't do it anymore, though, because prison chain-gangs violate the Const.i.tutional rights of the prisoners. We can't have that now, can we?"

"f.u.c.k them," I said.