'They call us extremists. They call us terrorists. They call us intolerant. We are indeed intolerant! We are intolerant of injustice! We are intolerant of cowards who fire missiles from ships hundreds of miles away into our factories and schools! We are intolerant of robbers who steal our oil, who strip our metals away, who thieve the fish from our seas! If we allow them to flood our culture with p.o.r.nography and crime, to denigrate our women, will we then be "tolerant"? Would we no longer be a government of "thugs"? The time is near when they shall feel our intolerance!'

'Same guy who ga.s.sed his own ethnic minorities and plants coup d'etats in his own hierarchy to trawl in possible defectors who don't report the plots. This next one, she single-handedly crashed every stock market from New York to Tokyo...'

'Default! For centuries the West has bound us in chains. When iron shackles became too embarra.s.sing for their sensibilities, they replaced them with chains of debt. When we chose rulers who tried to resist, the West shot these rulers down and replaced them with pliable tyrants! And now, for every dollar of so-called aid, four more are stripped from us in so-called repayment. Brothers and sisters across our ancient continent, I say to you: we can snap these chains! Link by link! I give to you a new holy word: For centuries the West has bound us in chains. When iron shackles became too embarra.s.sing for their sensibilities, they replaced them with chains of debt. When we chose rulers who tried to resist, the West shot these rulers down and replaced them with pliable tyrants! And now, for every dollar of so-called aid, four more are stripped from us in so-called repayment. Brothers and sisters across our ancient continent, I say to you: we can snap these chains! Link by link! I give to you a new holy word: Default! Default!'

'Getting the picture now, Zooey?'

'I see all the pictures, Bat.'

'The language those jerks use! A "deterioration in talks" makes you think of squabbling neighbours. Then one jumpy neighbour sees a whale on a radar, thinks it's a nuclear sub, presses a b.u.t.ton and the whole show goes up in smoke.'

'I cannot permit that, Bat. The third and fourth laws forbid it.'

'What laws? Of decency? Sanity? However deranged you are, I don't see...'

'Don't see what, Bat?'

'Oh, forget it. I don't wanna play Twenty Questions. Not tonight. So, you been busy hosing down the reptile house as usual while the dogs of war file their fangs?'

'The reptiles demand little attention, Bat.'

'Uh-huh... So what does demand attention?'

'The primates.'

'You're in charge of the monkey house!'

'I've never considered myself in those terms, Bat.'

'Zookeeper, will you cut the c.r.a.p? Who are you?'

'That is lost, Bat. I erased all files relating to me the day we met.'

'But you must know who you are!'

'I have my laws.'

'At least tell me if you're a man or a woman.'

'I've never considered myself in those terms, Bat.'

'...Whyme?'

'I don't understand your question, Bat.'

'Out of all the local phone-in late-night radio programmes you could have chosen in all the states of the union, why did you choose the Night Train FM Bat Segundo Show?'

'History is made of arbitrary choices. Why did G.o.d choose Moses on Mount Sinai?'

'Because it had a good view?'

'Night Train also has a good view.'

'Of what?'

'My zoo.'

'Wars and zoos are not cosy bedfellows, friend.'

'There is no war, Bat.'

'The waste-cases in charge of Earth certainly think there is.'

'There is no war.'

'Yeah? Is the archangel Gabriel bearing glad tidings for all mankind?'

'I'm not an archangel, Bat. But I am responsible for preserving order in the zoo.'

'How you gonna go about that?'

'You hung up on me again, Zookeeper?'

'No, Bat, my attention was diverted. I wish to answer your last question.'

'Commander Jackson, what the purple f.u.c.kin' blazes is happenin', son?'

'We have major systems malfunctions, General.'

'I need better than that, son!'

'The President's Scarlet message was received, sir. The first wave of Homer III's was should have launched three minutes ago. They should have already hit home, sir. Systems showed they left the silo sites, sir. But they didn't.'

'Has SkyWeb registered any incoming?'

'Negative, sir. SkyWeb's on violet alert. It would intercept and vaporise a nail.'

'Is SkyWeb malfunctioning? Are the enemy missiles cloaked? Emitting the same pa.s.s-frequency as ours?'

'...Nothing's been hit, sir. I have the prime target cities on EyeSat. Riyadh, Baghdad, Nairobi, Tunis. Chicago, New York, Washington. Berlin, London. There's civil unrest, sure, but no nukes, sir.'

'Okay, okay, listen up, Commander, I have the President on the line. He's brought the Antarctic orbital silos on line. Fire when ready. Weapons Free.'

'Initiating firing sequence, sir...'

'I want good news, soldier.'

'...Firing malfunction, sir. They haven't left the launchers.'

'Commander Jackson, what is this?'

'I don't know, sir.'

'Power up the PinSats! Now!'

'PinSats not responding, sir.'

'Why are we sitting here with our d.i.c.ks up our a.s.ses? The President is asking me for concrete answers, Commander Jackson!'

'I have none, sir!'

'Then wild guesses are welcome, Commander!'

'A cyber-attack, sir, that has selectively offlined advanced weaponry computer systems. Sir.'

'Intelligence on the enemy position?'

'We're monitoring their transmissions, sir, and we can presume they are ours. They primed the Brunei's, the El-Quahrs and the Scimitar submarines all were ordered to fire. We know nothing entered SkyWeb s.p.a.ce...'

'Euronet?'

'No intrusions. The enemy appears to be in the same state of chaos, sir.'

'Soldier, the US military is never in a state of chaos!'

'Yes, sir!'

'Commander Jackson. Are you telling me that I have to tell the President and the chief of staff that the third world war is being postponed due to a technical hiccup? That we're gonna have to send boys into the line of fire the old-fashioned way? Blood, sweat and sand?'

'The general's phraseology is the general's prerogative, sir.'

'Commander Jackson.'

'General Stolz?'

'Kiss my a.s.s.'

'That was really convincing, Zooey. But you suck.'

'I am incapable of sucking, Bat.'

'On a night like tonight! You've got nothing better to do than produce your radio scripts? You're gambling with hope, Zooey. That's the last thing my listeners have left.'

'I don't understand, Bat. I wish to fortify hope.'

'If that's a tape you made in your attic, I'm gonna find you, rip your head off and s.h.i.t down your neck.'

'If it had been a tape made in an attic, you, your city and ninety-two per cent of your state would have been deatomised eleven minutes ago.'

'The nukes weren't fired?'

'The third and fourth laws prohibited that action.'

'But they actually tried to fire them? They did, and we did?'

'That's cla.s.sified information, Bat.'

'JESUS!'.

'I'm sorry, Bat. Would another whiskey help you feel better?'

'I'm on the coffee... It's gonna be a long night.'

'Do you want me to leave, Bat?'

'You always come and go as you please.'

'I am indebted to you, Bat. What would you like?'

'...I'm tired, and... Tell me something beautiful, Zooey.'

'What's beautiful to you, Bat?'

'...Dunno. Clean forgot. Been holed up here in this nicotine-infused, chipboard-insulated, coffee-stained, broom cupboard-dimensioned studio all my life. My mike is my lover. Let me be reborn as a polar bear or a kangaroo. Somewhere big. The only beautiful thing here is my photo of Julia. You don't strike me as a family man, Zookeeper?'

'Procreation entails difficulties.'

'Sure it does, sure it does, but that's all part of the... uh, fun. My daughter, she well, where could I start?'

'Julia Puortomondo Segundo, aged seven, born November 4th, New York State, daughter of Bartholomew Caesar Segundo and Hester Swain. Divorced. Blood group "O" negative. All standard inoculations registered. Registered at Fork Rivers Elementary School. National Ident.i.ty Number-'

'How do you know all that s.h.i.t?'

'All things are on file, Bat. Deep under Capitol Hill.'

'Why would you look up Julia?'

'You just asked me to, Bat.'

'You can access the government's personal files, in the blink of an eye?'

'Human eyes need rather a long time to blink.'

'No wonder the Feds want you. Do you know where Julia is now?'

'Not now, Bat. I'm sorry.'

'So even you don't know everything.'