" 'Would you,' I whispered, still on that inverted receiving line which was my style and preference and down which I ambled as if I were the only invited guest in some stuffed tenement of princes and princesses, 'be my wet nurse? I will give you Tom Gainsborough's Blue Boy. Blue Boy.'

" 'Sir, I have no milk.'

" 'My mistress then. I will give you a house in Brighton and five thousand a year.'

" 'Sir, I have a husband.'

" 'Two thousand for the husband. Could even a king say fairer?'

" 'Sir, I cannot.'

" 'Madam, I'm a generous prince.'

" 'Sir, I'm a virtuous woman.'

" 'You did not redden.'

" 'Redden?'

" 'When I leered your b.r.e.a.s.t.s, when I squinnied your nipples. When I leisurely look-see'd and gave them the once-over and the glad eye. You did not redden, madam! You did not plum or peach! I might for rise have well as ogled the st.i.tch of your frock!'

" 'Then, sir, might I have glowed indeed for it is the very principle of propriety, if not of virtue itself, that the scrutiny of one's fashion in high company can betoken only the awry and amiss. I would, in such a circ.u.mstance, have warmed under the gaze of a tailor or the glance of a seamstress.'

" 'I am no tailor, tailor, madam. I am no madam. I am no seamstress. seamstress. I'm Prince of Wales and I attentioned your t.i.ts. I'm Prince of Wales and I attentioned your t.i.ts. You did not redden! You did not redden!'

" 'Then, sir, I am no scarlet woman,' Mrs. Fitzherbert told me softly.

"This was still on the line, still ceremonial. That the others who had yet to be presented had entirely ceased the customary buzz they do even at Court, even in the presence of the King himself, let alone a mere Prince of Wales who wouldn't be Regent for another twenty-seven years or King for another thirty-six, ought perhaps to have given us pause or made one or the other of us a bit more cautious. Indeed, I suppose that at this point I should have smiled at Mrs. Fitzherbert's clever grace note, clicked what I had for heels, bowed, and gone on to the next person waiting to be presented. Or, rather, I suppose it's what you suppose. But the splendour of our arrangements, their true civility and grandeur, is actually quite opposite. Court must, simply must, must, have its gossip, its exclusionary spice. Well, do you understand, Mills, that gossip and rumor are always more or less horizontal, that, like certain species of fish, they swim only their customary strata and rarely attempt the antipathetical depths? Now, it ain't in Newton, but it's true as physics that in fixed societies like our own, nasty stories neither ascend nor descend but stay within their cla.s.s of origin. It's why we have to spy on you people. It's why you're cordoned off on state occasions; it's why there's crowd control, squeeze play, spurs on hors.e.m.e.n; cosh, curb and roped-off street--all rule's royal leash law, all order's rerouted traffic, all rank's union shop. It ain't a.s.sa.s.sination we fear, the villain's and madman's bullet at close quarters; it's just hard by, at hand, stone's throw, simple spit distance earshot. have its gossip, its exclusionary spice. Well, do you understand, Mills, that gossip and rumor are always more or less horizontal, that, like certain species of fish, they swim only their customary strata and rarely attempt the antipathetical depths? Now, it ain't in Newton, but it's true as physics that in fixed societies like our own, nasty stories neither ascend nor descend but stay within their cla.s.s of origin. It's why we have to spy on you people. It's why you're cordoned off on state occasions; it's why there's crowd control, squeeze play, spurs on hors.e.m.e.n; cosh, curb and roped-off street--all rule's royal leash law, all order's rerouted traffic, all rank's union shop. It ain't a.s.sa.s.sination we fear, the villain's and madman's bullet at close quarters; it's just hard by, at hand, stone's throw, simple spit distance earshot.

"So, if anything, we were not more circ.u.mspect but less, not less garrulous but more. Is the Prince a clam? Is he an oyster? He brims brims with prate! He with prate! He glibs glibs with gush! And this was audience indeed, with gush! And this was audience indeed, this this was! This primed, fervent, rubberneck, avid, all-ears bunch. My true subjects, Mills, and not was! This primed, fervent, rubberneck, avid, all-ears bunch. My true subjects, Mills, and not your your remote, long-range, arm's-length lot. The group. remote, long-range, arm's-length lot. The group. Our Our crowd. And I as much their subject this night as they mine. We were crowd. And I as much their subject this night as they mine. We were soliloqual, soliloqual, Mills! Mills!

" 'It is your breastplate, madam, those fleecy ramparts, that so astonish us. How may things which to our vision appear such soft and lenient stuff prove so intractable, so stony ground in the campaign of a prince? No no, don't answer. We would not hear prattle of husbands and virtue, or pa.s.sion talked down as if'twere only an obligation owed to pledge like the gambler a game debt or the poor student's circ.u.mstanced promise to redeem a watch from some p.a.w.nshop Jew. Is this this your honor, madam? Is your honor, madam? Is this this your merciless, inconsequent, merely proscriptive character? I'll teach you your merciless, inconsequent, merely proscriptive character? I'll teach you character, character, ma'am, and it's nothing to do with promises, declarations, a.s.surances, covenants or nitwit oath. Honor is simply not contractual, Fitzherbert! It does not blindly undertake action in a future it cannot yet understand at the sacrifice of the only tense in which it may reliably do anyone any good at all. Which is the present. Which is the ma'am, and it's nothing to do with promises, declarations, a.s.surances, covenants or nitwit oath. Honor is simply not contractual, Fitzherbert! It does not blindly undertake action in a future it cannot yet understand at the sacrifice of the only tense in which it may reliably do anyone any good at all. Which is the present. Which is the present, present, Mrs. Madam Fitzherbert! Mrs. Madam Fitzherbert!

" 'Honor is ardor. It is dash and fire and thrill. It is the obligation skin owes blood, teeth appet.i.te. My organ's duty to my mood. It is entirely obsessive and endures no third parties. It welcomes no middlemen.'

" 'The Prince of Wales is hot tonight,' said a guest.

" 'He is. He is, is,' we acknowledged. 'We have our honor on us and we fly it like the colors.'

" 'And do you know, madam, in what my honor subsists? Why in my peculiar, spangled l.u.s.t. In the singularity of my ruling pa.s.sion, my most feeling fetish. Which we neither hide nor hinder, watch nor ward. Why should we? Is the Prince custodian of his ruling pa.s.sion or only the lowly drayman of his drives?'

" 'Hear hear!' said honored guests. And "Three cheers!' And 'Give three times three!'

" 'I asked to milk you, madam. No husband but husbandman plain enough. Oh, plain. Plain, quite plainly. I've this sweet tooth for softs, this yen for your puddings. George the Famished, George the Parched. Georgie the pap prince. Feed us, ma'am. Slake the slake rake! Sow, sew sew this rip!' this rip!'

"And 'Ahh,' mouthful'd the fellowship. And 'Ooh,' oratoried the witnesses.

"And still no more crimson than an eggsh.e.l.l. Why you, sir, are more raddled. Fitzherbert herself was glacial as pack ice. She said she'd pray for me.

"Pray for me, dun G.o.d with her demon orthodoxy! (Did I mention, Mills, that she was Catholic? She was Catholic, churched as a pope.) for me, dun G.o.d with her demon orthodoxy! (Did I mention, Mills, that she was Catholic? She was Catholic, churched as a pope.) " 'Do it then, madam,' I told her coolly. 'You know our prayers. You may say them for for us!' us!'

"And turned away politely to make the rest of my devoirs, saying my 'So glads' and 'How pleaseds,' aloof and indifferent as an already king.

"I learned she lived at Richmond and sent with my compliments my private yacht to fetch her. It came back empty. I sent it out again a week later, laden with gifts. The Gainsborough I'd promised, precious jewels, rare ivories. It came back empty, my gifts unopened. In a month I sent the ship out once more, this time with specific instructions to proffer my prince's compliments to Lord Lord Fitzherbert and to invite him and his amiable wife to stay at Buckingham House with my family and myself. There was no 'Lord' Fitzherbert of course, and what I offered was not so much a bribe as the promise of a bribe. t.i.tled Catholics were practically unheard of in the country at this time. I knew my man and what I was doing. The appeal was not so much to his ambition as to his churchianity. The bark returned empty. Fitzherbert and to invite him and his amiable wife to stay at Buckingham House with my family and myself. There was no 'Lord' Fitzherbert of course, and what I offered was not so much a bribe as the promise of a bribe. t.i.tled Catholics were practically unheard of in the country at this time. I knew my man and what I was doing. The appeal was not so much to his ambition as to his churchianity. The bark returned empty.

"And empty again when I dispatched it to Pangbourne, where I'd learned the Fitzherberts summered with a colony of their coreligionists.

"The King had of course heard of my efforts and their failures. How could he not? All society knew what I was up to. All it had to do was glance out its window whenever it heard a ship go by. The chances were excellent it would be the royal bark plying its unsuccessful trade route, hauling its unwanted merchandise about its watery itinerary like some failed merchantman. My mad king father was not yet mad. He was only angry. The truth, George, is that he missed his princedom, his own long-gone good time Charlie days when he had all the honors of a king but none of his dubious duties. They had been pushing him in the colonies. They were pushing him in France. The truth is, Mills, I p.i.s.sed him. All he had for amus.e.m.e.nt in those days was my l.u.s.t's blunting against Mrs. Fitzherbert's obdurate recalcitrance.

"He summoned me and offered a father's advice in the throne room at Buckingham. He even removed the crown from his head before he spoke.

" 'Son,' he said, 'it disheartens us to see you so sobersides at a time in life when you should be all waggish and sportive. It tarnishes our comfort to perceive in you the mopes and melancholies of a distrait heart. We would have you c.o.c.k-a-hoop, all frisk and frolic, and miss the horse laugh whoopee which was your once wont. Give us a chortle, love. Cackle a sn.i.g.g.e.r for us. t.i.tter-no offense, old son-t.i.tter your smirk. What? No? Not in we? Then send again to Richmond. I know what you demand of Mrs. Fitzherbert, and what you offer--paintings and pretties, jewelry and gewgaw. The woman is pious, mavourneen. She's serious, treasure apple. You don't go up in public to a pious, serious, high-minded woman like this and order her to put her t.i.tties in your mouth. What, in public? A sensitive, religious, married lady? It isn't the way, it's not how it's done. You must be gentle, you must be discreet. You must offer rea.s.surances. You must say: "Madam, I shall have my teeth pulled. The grinders and incisors, the molars and canines. All--all shall come out. I vow you, ma'am, then only will I chew and nibble, suck and gum!" Send to Richmond, lad; send to Richmond, son. We'll make a picnic Thames-side and wait and wait till the cows come home.' And laughed like a loon.

"I did send to Richmond, had already sent for her when my father had sent for me. When the yacht returned Mrs. Fitzherbert was on it, standing near the bowsprit and, with her generous, billowy, partially exposed bosoms, looking for all the world like the very figurehead on the ship's very prow.

"I clambered aboard and took her in my arms.

" 'My darling,' I said. 'My dearest, you've come.'

" 'Fitzherbert's dead,' she whispered. 'Tomorrow we'll be married secretly by the priest. Then, suckling, shall you enjoy your little milkmaid to her bright twin pails' sweetest residuals!"

"We dress up," the King said. "We dress up, too. And lead free will these dumb show lives, our tastes a step behind our palates and our very existence revue, vaudeville, cabaret. And even our highest behaviors only simple 'turns,' studied as set piece, blocked as tableau. Sequenced as music hall and timed as spectacle. We don't want walls and floors, ceilings and rooms but back cloths, stages, flats and scrim. Not property but props. Not bad luck but tragedy, not even happiness, only comedy. So we we dress up. Good time Charlie, the merry-andrew. The milkmaid. The milkmaid milkmade man. dress up. Good time Charlie, the merry-andrew. The milkmaid. The milkmaid milkmade man.

"Yes. Well. We were married. Secretly. You spoke of oaths. We We swore oaths. As heavily pledged as debtors. Proclaiming and promising, vowing, professing. All intention's by-all-that's-holy's. swore oaths. As heavily pledged as debtors. Proclaiming and promising, vowing, professing. All intention's by-all-that's-holy's.

"We honeymooned at Pangbourne while the royal yacht stood by. We boarded the ship and sailed to Scotland. We sailed to Ireland, where we anch.o.r.ed off a lovely blue bay. You could see palm trees.

"The marriage was secret, known only to the priest and to one or two of Maria's friends. I like to think that those of our cla.s.s who lived along those sh.o.r.es must have seen the ship and guessed it on some romantic errand, engaged in some pretty myth--all spurned love's Flying Dutchman. We We dress up. Oh yes. dress up. Oh yes.

"Well. Even someone as apparently arbitrary as a prince or king with his edicts and decrees and his ipse dixit ipse dixit say-so style lives a life proviso'd and ordinanced as any tavern keeper's. And if there's more loophole than loop to my bonds-I could, for example, have shot you before without bringing any more trouble upon myself than if I had sent my meat back to my chef-there is a special pandect of law for royalty. say-so style lives a life proviso'd and ordinanced as any tavern keeper's. And if there's more loophole than loop to my bonds-I could, for example, have shot you before without bringing any more trouble upon myself than if I had sent my meat back to my chef-there is a special pandect of law for royalty.

"The Settlement Act forbids any of the King's issue under the age of twenty-five to marry without first obtaining the consent of the King. This would have been forty years ago. I would have been twenty-three. The consent of the King? King? I knew better than even to ask for it. My only hope was to present my father with a I knew better than even to ask for it. My only hope was to present my father with a fait accompli, fait accompli, thinking he'd think that the scandal which surrounded our relationship, and whatever embarra.s.sment it may have caused him, might best be smoothed over by a royal announcement that we were now married. thinking he'd think that the scandal which surrounded our relationship, and whatever embarra.s.sment it may have caused him, might best be smoothed over by a royal announcement that we were now married.

"They had pushed him out of the colonies, they were pushing him in France. They were pushing him in his own Parliament. Now my father was now not only angry, he was actually mad."

"Please, sir," George Mills interrupted, "that was a rumor. Even our sort heard it. His political enemies..."

"Third was a lunatic, Forty-third. George was crazy, George," George IV said quietly.

"More loophole than loop, the laws bleeding into their crimes like loose and leaking bandages. French leave law. Because it was out of his hands now. Out of his hands and out of his head. And he wasn't wasn't embarra.s.sed. And they didn't-I mean his ministers, I mean his council-even have to embarra.s.sed. And they didn't-I mean his ministers, I mean his council-even have to use use the Settlement Act. More loophole than loop. the Settlement Act. More loophole than loop.

"There was a sort of conference to which I was invited. There weren't even barristers there, only a sort of solicitor from the Customs Office whom they'd rounded up at the last minute.

"The solicitor asked if I had reached my twenty-fifth birthday when I had been secretly married. He asked if I had obtained my father's consent. Then Mrs. Fitzherbert-he called her Mrs. Fitzherbert-was not my wife, was she? It was 'is opinion, the solicitor said, that the hact of 1701 was not even happlicable. The act did not have to be enforced because under the very provisions of the rule the marriage was regarded as invalid! The act did not have to be enforced because under the very provisions of the rule the marriage was regarded as invalid! Law squalid and stinky as secret pa.s.sageway. Dodge and diddle law, gull and bubble precedent. Law squalid and stinky as secret pa.s.sageway. Dodge and diddle law, gull and bubble precedent.

" 'They call you Mrs. Fitzherbert,' I told her.

" 'Do they?' Maria said. 'How very odd. It's divorce Catholics don't recognize, not death.'

"I built the safe house in Putney one year after the year they did not even bother to dissolve our marriage. It's an out-of-the-way sort of place, and the house itself is not much different from its neighbors. As you see it backs on the river. We came ash.o.r.e in rowboats now, dugouts. We were probably seen. But ordinary people don't much gossip about the great. They don't know anything to say. As for the rest, the ruling cla.s.ses, they know it all but are discreet. They talk behind our backs but only amongst themselves.

"We lived on and off here several years. We were very happy.

"A prince's credit is long, but it is not infinite. There were debts. There are always debts. It's empty now, but once this house was furnished like a palace. I did not buy, I commissioned. The greatest cabinetmakers worked for us, the greatest sculptors, the finest painters. One room was floored and walled and ceilinged entirely in delft. Josiah Wedgwood made our plates and pottery following Maria's sketches. d.i.c.k Sheridan wrote comedies using plots I myself suggested. I discovered a young woman in Bath, Jane Austen, and commissioned her to write novels for us. We gave her a general idea of the subject matter and the tone we were interested in and she fleshed out the rest. We sat on the finest furniture to be had in Europe and read aloud to each other. Delightful, delightful.

"Only our bedroom would have seemed eccentric. It was fitted out, as you may have guessed, like a dairy. The mattress and pillows were stuffed with ordinary hay, which we changed daily. I even had lovely little Chippendale milking stools made for us. Well. It was all all delightful. delightful.

"And expensive. The bills mounted, though I was able to stall my creditors for a time on the basis of my great expectations. Then, suddenly, all together all at once it seemed, they began to hound me, coming not to Buckingham House but directly to Putney. Even Miss Austen, though I must say that of them all she was the shyest and seemed quite embarra.s.sed to be here.

"I was not even sent for this time. I arranged for the meeting and went to the ministers myself.

" 'The King is not improved,' the Chancellor of the Exchequer said.

" 'Isn't it time you began to cast about for a suitable consort?' the Lord Chancellor asked.

" 'You're Prince Royal now. You may yet be Prince Regent before you're King,' the PM said.

" 'What is your view, counselor?' asked the Lord Privy Seal.

" 'Oh my my view,' he said. 'Hi wouldn't 'ave no proper view now, would hi? My view's strickly the law. The law's what view,' he said. 'Hi wouldn't 'ave no proper view now, would hi? My view's strickly the law. The law's what hi hi go by. It wants a hagreement.' This from the Custom's Office solicitor. go by. It wants a hagreement.' This from the Custom's Office solicitor.

" 'What does?' the Prime Minister asked.

" 'Why the law does, your honor. It wants a hagreement. What we call a tort, a contrack.'

" 'But isn't a tort...' I started to ask.

" 'It's like this, i'n't it? Law's a hagreement entered into voluntarily by two parties. Hi except 'ighway robbery and murder and such because that hain't law so much has what we call broken broken law. Now the Prince 'ere comes to us game as you please hand wants us to push some bill through Parliament to pay off 'is debts. Now if we was to do hit hit might be what we call a law. Now the Prince 'ere comes to us game as you please hand wants us to push some bill through Parliament to pay off 'is debts. Now if we was to do hit hit might be what we call a favor favor but hit wouldn't be law. Not but hit wouldn't be law. Not proper proper law. Dere's no quo for the quid, if you gavver my meanin'. It wants a hagreement. Now, if 'e was to law. Dere's no quo for the quid, if you gavver my meanin'. It wants a hagreement. Now, if 'e was to marry... marry...'

"They did not get their agreement.

"The creditors came. They came with bailiffs and b.u.m-bailiffs, with beadles and tipstaffs, with sheriffs and constabulary, process servers, catchpolls and Bow Street runners. I could see the Lord Chancellor and the solicitor off by themselves in a carriage parked behind a string of removal vans.

"To give them their due, the creditors seemed almost as shy as Miss Austen and, with the removal men, went quietly about their work. Silently the delft room was dismantled. Silently the Wedgwood was collected, the furniture. Sheridan was there and tried to make me a gift of the plays I'd commissioned. There was consultation among the constabulary and process servers who then sent one of the runners out to speak to the Lord Chancellor's carriage. When the man returned, he whispered something to a policeman who came over to Sheridan who then turned to me and shrugged helplessly.

" 'I'm sorry, sir,' Sheridan said.

" 'It's all right, d.i.c.k,' I told him, and handed over his ma.n.u.scripts. 'We've read the plays. They're wonderful plays. We'll remember them always.'

" 'Oh we will, Richard. We will,' Maria said.

" 'As for the rest of you,' I called, 'one day I shall be King. I'll not forget what you've done to us this day. You, draper, and you, cabinetmaker, can forget all about your By Appointment to His Majesty crest. All of you can.'

"For reply they looked down listlessly at their feet and seemed to shuffle apologetically.

"For some reason they didn't enter the bedroom and left it intact.

" 'They've left us all we really need, sweetheart,' I told Maria.

" 'Oh yes,' she said and we went there and I sucked at her dry b.r.e.a.s.t.s and somehow they were moist now and what I sipped tasted like tears.

"Well," King George said. "It was the following year. This would have been thirty-three years ago. It was my birthday. I wouldn't be Regent for eighteen more years, King for another twenty-eight. It was my birthday. The house was furnished now with some of Maria's things from Pangbourne; the rest came from her house in Richmond. There were crosses on the walls. It was my birthday. We had always exchanged gifts. Though I was still in debt-princes and good time Charlies are never out of it it seems-I was not borrowing so much now since being humiliated by the creditors. I had given her some small thing, I don't even remember now what it was. She looked at me for a moment and went over to her writing desk, where she sat down and appeared to write something out. It couldn't have taken her more than a minute. When she had done she handed it to me. I looked at it and laughed.

" 'What's this then?' I said.

" 'A check.'

" 'Well I see see it's a check. Is that the sort of gift you'd give me on my birthday? A it's a check. Is that the sort of gift you'd give me on my birthday? A check? check?'

" 'Did you read it?'

" 'No.'

" 'Read it.'

" 'It's for five hundred fifteen pounds, eight shillings.'

"'Yes.'

" 'What an odd sum. Five hundred fifteen pounds, eight shillings. Maria, is this the amount you think will bring me out of debt? Darling, I owe thousands.'

" 'I know that.'

" 'Maria, I don't want your money for a gift.'

" 'It isn't a gift. I did not get you a gift.'

"'What is it then?'

" 'The price you paid to have this house built.'

" 'You're giving me my own house? Oh, darling, that's very sweet but really I can't...'

" 'He said I'd have to ask you for the t.i.tle. He said if you don't have it or it's not handy you could write something down on a paper making it over to me.'

" 'He said? Who?' said? Who?'

" 'That solicitor,' she said, and began to cry.

"I went to him that afternoon. He was not at the offices in Parliament, where all our other meetings had taken place. The Lord Chancellor told me I might look for him at the Customs House.

"It was a dirty, dingy building smelling of brine and brackish water, of filthy contraband and sodden wood. I found him shirt-sleeved in some petty clerk's office.

" 'What's this then?' I demanded, waving the check at him.

" 'Ahh,' he said, 'did you sign hover the deed then, my prince?'

" 'No I didn't sign over the deed. I'm trying to get some explana-'