"You see, smart-a.s.s things like that will get you in trouble. These guys don't f.u.c.k around. They'll ask you questions, the same questions I've asked you, only they won't be too friendly about it. You'll stand instead of sit. You'll meet at night instead of day. You'll be left alone for hours upon hours, and then you'll be forced to talk for twelve straight."

"Nothing I'm not already used to."

"And there are techniques to get you to talk. It will not be pleasant, I can a.s.sure you."

"I sense a big fat 'but' looming."

Spyro rolled up his sleeves. I could predict his movements before they happened. I antic.i.p.ated the scar on his forearm, the dampening at his hairline, his physical tics. Fingers tapped, lips wetted, etc. How many hours had we spent together?

"I've read everything you've written so far," he said. "When I submit my report along with your confession to the convening authority in Washington, here's how they'll see it. You've consorted with arms dealers and known gangsters. Men on international watch lists. Men banned from certain countries. Your cover as a designer of women's clothing is a perfect front. Potentially, the money you were about to make from your business, projected over five years, could fund another 9/11. You have access to elite targets. New York Fashion Week. The New York Public Library, by way of Bryant Park. Your a.s.sociates have connections with Somali terrorists. And you still say you're just a designer of women's clothing? There was only one other designer in history with connections like you, and that was back in 1943."

"Who?"

"Coco Chanel," he said.

"That's preposterous!"

"She was arrested and charged with war crimes for her involvement with the n.a.z.is. I'd tell you to go look it up, but I'd be wasting my breath. Chanel was banging an SS officer from '39 to '43 or thereabouts. He had his Schutzstaffel so far up her tight a.s.s that she'd do anything for him, including an attempt to broker a deal between the British and the n.a.z.is for whatever was left of Europe. Needless to say, they arrested her couture a.s.s."1 "You're making it up. And the thing about the Somalis is nonsense. I never met a Somali. You know as well as I do."

"And just like Chanel, you're seen as a collaborator in all this. A terrorist sympathizer. A key financier. You, the fashion terrorist. They got you. Those in Washington are almost positive. But those in Washington want a confession."

"Those in Washington think the quickest way to connect two dots is to draw a straight line. I've given you my confession."

"We're almost out of time, Boy. I need you to start telling me what I need to know."

"I've done nothing but-"

"You've done everything but give me what I need. You've fed me a lot of s.h.i.t."

"I've fed you nothing but the truth."

"Bulls.h.i.t."

"I'm sorry you see it that way. I thought we were on a level of understanding."

"Will you stop it? Stop. Enough! Did you or did you not know about weapons prior to Ahmed Qureshi's arrest? Prior to May 25, 2006."

"The fertilizer?"

"Weapons. Weapons of ma.s.s destruction. Whatever that may mean to you. Ammonium nitrate fertilizer. Whatever. Did you know about weapons? Did you know about a deal?"

"No."

"See, you're lying. You did know about a deal. It says so right here in your confession."

"It says I suspected Ahmed was a liar. That I couldn't believe half the things that came out of his mouth."

"And you did nothing."

"I didn't do nothing."

"If you tell me now, you'll make it a lot easier on yourself before I give you over to the CO for another round of interrogation."

"Why do I have to talk to him?"

"Because I'm off. I'm done here. I'm sorry to say it, but our time together is through. Every good thing must come to an end. And when I'm gone, they're going to start all over again. All the s.h.i.t you've written down so far gets filed away, and they take it from the top. So if you tell me now, you're going to save yourself a lot of time and anguish."

"I told you. I don't know about weapons. I know only what I've already told you. I was entrapped."

"That's a big word for you. Do you even know what it means?"

"I was set up. That's the only way I can deduce my being here."

"You weren't set up. You were given up. Your friend Ahmed fingered you out over everyone else. Qureshi talked. Your other friend Hajji, he didn't get pinched. He's fine. He's a cooperating witness. Ahmed fingered you when they put it to him. He gave you up. He said you're the brain behind all this. You're the money."

"The money came from him! It was all from him!"

"But you come from a rich family. A family of doctors, you said yourself. Private school, et cetera."

"My family doesn't have any money. Check them out. They supported me here and there when I got to New York, but that's all."

"You came to the U.S. and you set up shop. You sought out Qureshi and took up residence in the same building. You're consorting with known gangsters. The funds are all in place. Ahmed finds the buyers. Somalis. He gets the goods. Ammonium nitrate fertilizer is just the beginning. He makes promises to the Somalis for more weapons. RPGs, antiaircraft guns, night-vision goggles, tanks for Christ's sake. We've been following him for a year. Your name comes up on the tapes. Once you get the money you funnel it through your business, you produce women's clothes because it's very lucrative, and on the other end you have the Somali deal."

"You have it all wrong. It's the other way around."

"That's your defense? 'Your honor, it's the other way around. It was the chicken not the egg.' Look at it through their eyes. They see a textbook example of a terrorist ring at work. And I got to say, it doesn't look good for you, my friend."

"I want my lawyer," I said.

"Now you want your lawyer. You didn't need a lawyer when we started here. Why not?"

"Because I believed you. I thought you could help me. Only you're just a p.a.w.n like I was. So now I want my lawyer."

"Good news, he's on his way. He's still waiting for his security clearance. Should be any day now."

"I will say nothing else. It's all in my confession."

"Your confession has a lot of holes."

"I dare you to prove me wrong."

"Is that a threat made from a detainee to a special agent of the FBI? Do you know what can happen to you when I snap my finger! Before our time is up, and I give you over to the marines, I need to know, Boy. Listen to me, to them you're just another number. They don't care where you're from-Mr. New York City big shot who-gives-a-f.u.c.k. You are just a number." Spyro stood up. "Now I've treated you like a man. Like an honest man. And we're at the end of our road together. I'm leaving. I'm not coming back. So I need to know. It's your last chance to confess before I feed you to the jarheads. Did you know about any weapons prior to Qureshi's arrest? Prior to May 25, 2006. If you had any involvement and you confess it now, I'll give my highest recommendation to Washington. You have my word."

"I'm already a number. I'm prisoner number two-two-seven."

"Did you know about weapons before Qureshi was arrested, prior to May 25, 2006?"

"No," I said. "I've told you. What I knew I put in my confession."

"This confession stinks. I'm asking you here and now. For the last time. Did you know about weapons? Did you know about fertilizer? What did you know?"

I felt that complying with my interrogator at this stage would be to waste my breath. These were roundabout questions. Questions I had already answered.

I refused to gratify him with another answer.

1. This is true, for the most part. Coco Chanel was in fact arrested for war crimes in 1943 for her involvement in the n.a.z.i plot Operation Modelhut (Fashion Hat). However, she was later acquitted on all charges, due to an intervention by the British royal family.

On the Tarmac.

On the night of the Overwhelming Event, May 30, 2006, I was deliberately hooded so as not to be able to identify faces, streets, landmarks. This should tell you right away that what has been done to me and others in my same situation is illegal. Even hardened criminals-murderers, rapists, drug peddlers, pimps, and thieves alike-get to see the faces of their captors. Those headed for No Man's Land do not.

Oh sure, I might have caught a glimpse of one or two of the SMERFs who came through my front door, but I can't possibly identify anyone. They've covered their tracks very well! If I wanted to bring charges against those who kidnapped me, against those who transported me here, against those who handled me so violently through the night sky, how could I?

The path to No Man's Land is kept secret too. Those who need to get here, my lawyer for one, are still trying to navigate their way. Everyone knows where No Man's Land is. One can easily point it out on a map. But pa.s.sage into this place is an enigma. I couldn't even begin to tell you the way to the forbidden island. It was all done in the dark, with a hood over my head. At times they used noise-canceling headphones. Shall I create for you what it was like to be taken in the middle of the night and transported to such a place? Sure, I could go through all the sounds and voices that I heard during transport: the b.u.mpy roads, the rivets in the bridges, the popping of my ears in the tunnels, and then jet engines starting up, and planes taking off. But I would only be speculating. The G.o.d's honest truth is that I don't remember how I came to be here. When you are taken as I was, and you are masked, all you pay attention to is your own breath. You become very aware that you are still breathing and that you would like to continue breathing. I wasn't wondering where I was headed. I had already accepted a fate much worse than the one I got-that I would not be breathing for very long.

Transport is your first introduction to solitary confinement, and so you retreat into your mind and try to endure the pain of your senses being suffocated. Imagine being in a coffin for thirty-two hours, buried alive, and at the end of those thirty-two hours (which is just an arbitrary number, for I wasn't counting) you will be let out, only you don't know it. What would those thirty-two hours be like? Why, I'll tell you. Every inch of air taken in is exhaled as if it were the last.

When did it occur to me that I was a prisoner? Perhaps as soon as I was let out of the coffin, when the sack was taken off my head and I could see light and breathe proper air.

I was grateful to the soldier who removed my hood. He gave me life. I cried at his knees as he sat me down in a chair and chained me to an I-bolt in the floor. He pulled me by the shackles, my wrists and ankles raw from so many hours in chains. Where was I beginning my new life? I looked around and saw that I was in a room. Just a room with four walls. Brightly lit. A table. Chairs. A door. He left the room through the door, while I sat at the table and waited for several hours. I said and did nothing.

The many hours I had spent hooded and transported here and there-this is all part of the fear they want to instill in you. I really believe the Americans tried to simulate death. Transport, as I said, is your first taste of solitary, as it is a great big void of nothing. I must have been driven around, moved from place to place quickly. Drugged and carried, hooded and deafened.

Where did I end up?

Why, not far from where I started that night waiting for Mich.e.l.le. When the hood came off I was in Newark, New Jersey. Only I found this out much later, when another soldier said so. I was too disoriented to be conscious of place. As far as I knew, I was in Cairo or Kandahar.

The hood was off and I was seated at a table in a room. It was a room used for questioning. For interrogation. All airports have these rooms. I can only imagine that after the great scare of 2001 they became necessary. After several hours of waiting in the

room I met my first interrogator, nonmilitary, wearing a shirt

and slacks. He had a clipboard and wore a neatly trimmed goatee. He appeared to be in his forties, though he could have been younger. He wheeled in a small cart with a polygraph machine and proceeded to attach me to it. Then he sat down across from me and began his inquiry.

Newark was where Ahmed, my alleged accomplice in all this, my "coconspirator," was arrested for selling fertilizer to an FBI informant, and where he talked about all the bad things that could, would, and should be done on American soil. For me to say from my cell in No Man's Land that I still can't believe Ahmed was capable of such things would be unabashed

ignorance. He roped me into his game a scapegoat, and I took the bait.

"Are you Boyet Hernandez?" I was asked.

"Yes," I said. I was surprised by the sound of my voice. I hadn't spoken in some time.

"Do you go by any other names? Any aliases?"

The interrogator seemed to have something in his teeth, and so his tongue struggled between his cheeks and gums to free whatever was there.

"I go by Boy. I'm a designer of women's wear."

"Just answer the question."

"I don't go by any other names. No," I said.

He did not tell me why I was there and I did not ask, for I didn't have the nerve. I had a.s.sumed it was because of my relationship with Ahmed. I should have shouted for a lawyer, examined the investigator's identification, proclaimed my innocence, demanded everything and anything a proper prisoner gets, but I was too paralyzed by fear. My, how I wish I had done it differently! I wish I'd had the strength to tell them that what was happening was wrong. I should have demanded that they charge me with a crime or set me free! You know, I didn't even suggest to them that they had the wrong man. That's what everyone, I a.s.sume, insists as soon as they are captured. Not me. I went willingly. During my first interrogation I did nothing but answer the man's questions.

Within a matter of minutes the questions took a rather preposterous turn. I was asked why I was planning a trip to Pakistan. When I said I wasn't, the interrogator accused me of indeed planning a trip to gather materials. Then he read off a list of names. I was to answer whether I knew anybody on the list with a simple yes or no. I was not to explain my relationship with the names; I was just to acknowledge whether I knew them. Here is where I had trouble. My interrogator never properly defined what it meant to "know." I did not know if he wanted me to acknowledge whether I knew them personally or whether I simply knew of their existence. The interrogator did not ask the question: Do you know so and so? He only read the name, and I was made to respond. The list was even more preposterous than the allegation of the upcoming visit to Pakistan. As we began I experienced a great deal of confusion, especially with his little machine making its squiggly marks along a piece of paper.

Some of the names that were read to me: Osama bin Laden, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Aman al-Zawahiri, George W. Bush, d.i.c.k Cheney, Ahmed Qureshi, Habib "Hajji" Naseer, Michael Jordan, Mickey Mouse, Ben Laden, Philip Tang, Mich.e.l.le Brewbaker, etc. The list was composed of about two hundred names. I was to simply answer yes or no. I was not to elaborate on my answers.

When we were finished with the list he unplugged me from his machine and left the room. That was it. I never saw him again.

Writing out my confession, I have tried to capture the essence of my life. Because everything I write about is in the past, I don't see myself as living anymore. This is what happens to you when you are arrested. The present is shifted instantly into the past, and what had once seemed unfathomable-torment, misery, profound suffering-is now actual. "An omnipotent actuality," my special agent would call it, quoting one of his beloved Russians.1 Now that I approach the end of my confession, I find that I am beginning to lose hold of my character. I have become removed from the hero of my own story, you see. To lose hold of your own character must be part of the natural order of things in No Man's Land.

All the same, I have tried to capture myself, or my character, as sincerely as possible. To re-create what it was like to live in my skin.

After several minutes alone in the room at Newark Airport, I was once again hooded and shackled by two unidentifiable men whose faces were obscured by the brims of their military caps. No headphones this time, just the black shroud over my head covering my eyes. The two men carried me outside. We were on the tarmac. I felt the wind and heard the noise of propellers as I was carried along. They placed me in the back of a van and sat across from me. I was getting used to the feeling of metal under my feet and around my wrists and ankles. The chains rattled against the floor as the van moved fast and smooth across the tarmac.

One of them said, "Don't say anything." He wasn't addressing me but the other man.

"Don't," the other one answered back.

I heard the click of a picture being taken with a cell phone. It was the recording of a click. A simulation. That's how I knew it was a cell phone and not a real camera.

"I'm taking it off," one said.