John. Werry well, sir; couldn't do a better thing, sir. How about his clothing? shall I keep a cloth on him, sir? (Winks at Susan, who goes out laughing.)

Hyacinth. Yaas! You can keep a cloth on--ar--and--that will do. (Waves his hand towards the door.)

John. Do you like his feet stopped at night, sir?

Hyacinth. Ar--I leave all these points to my gwoom--ar--would you go?

John. I suppose there will be no harm in water-brushing his mane?

Hyacinth (angrily). Ar--weally I--ar--will you go?

John. Becos some folks thinks it makes the hair come off.

-348-- Hyacinth (indignantly). Ar--leave the woom, fellar! John. Yes, sir; you may depend upon me takin' proper care of him, sir; and if I should think o' anything else, I'll be sure to come and ask you, sir.

(Goes out grinning.)

Hyacinth. Howwid fellar--I thought I should never get wid of him--it's evident he's jealous--ar, good idea--I'll give him something to be jealous about. I'll wing the bell and finish captivating Susan. (Rings.

Re-enter John.) John. Want me, sir? Here I am, sir--fed the horse, sir.

Hyacinth (waving his hand angrily towards the door). Ar--go away, fellar, and tell the young woman to answaar that bell. (John leaves the room, muttering, If I do I'm blessed. Hyacinth struts up to the gla.s.s, arranges his hair, pulls up his shirt-collar, and rings again. Re-enter Susan.) Hyacinth. Pway, Susan, are you going to be mawwied? Susan (colouring). No, sir--a--yes, sir--I can't tell, sir.

Hyacinth. No, sir--yes, sir--ar--I see how it is--the idea has occurred to you--it's that fellar John, I suppose? Susan. Yes, sir--it's John, sir, if you please. Hyacinth. Well--ar--perhaps I don't exactly please.

Now, listen to me, Susan. I'm an independent gentleman, vewy wich (aside, Wish I was)--lots of servants and cawwiages, and all that sort of thing. I only want a wife, and--a-hem--captivated by your beauty, I'm wesolved to mawwy you. (Aside. That will do the business.) Susan. La!

sir, you're joking.

Hyacinth. Ar--I never joke--ar--of course you consent! Susan. To marry you, sir? Hyacinth. Ar--yes--to mawwy me. Susan. What! and give up John?

Hyacinth. I fear we cannot dispense with that sacwifice.

Susan. And you would have me prove false to my true love; deceive a poor lad that cares for me; wring his honest heart, and perhaps drive him to take to evil courses, for the sake of your fine carriages and servants?

No, sir, if you was a duke, I would not give up John to marry you.

Hyacinth. Vewy fine, you did that little bit of constancy in vewy good style; but now, having welievedyour feelings, you may as well do a little bit of nature, and own that, womanlike, you have changed your mind.

Susan. When I do, sir, I'll be sure to let you know. -349-- (Aside. A dandified fop! why, John's worth twenty such as him.) I'll send John in with your dinner, sir. [Curtsies and exit, leaving Hyacinth transfixed with astonishment.']

Scene III.--Front of inn.

Enter Susan with black ribbons in her cap. Susan. Heigho! so the gout's carried off poor old master at last. Ah! well, he was always a great plague to everybody, and it's one's duty to be resigned--he's been dead more than two months now, and it's above a month since mistress went to Broadstairs for a change, and left John and me to keep house--ah! it was very pleasant--we was so comfortable. Now, if in a year or two mistress was to sell the business, and John and me could save money enough to buy it, and was to be married, and live here; la! I should be as happy as the day's long. I've been dull enough the last week though--for last Monday--no, last Sat.u.r.day--that is, the Sat.u.r.day before last, John went for a holiday to see his friends in Yorkshire, and there's been n.o.body at home but me and the cat--I can't think what ailed him before he went away, he seemed to avoid me like; and when he bid me goodbye, he told me if I should happen to pick up a sweetheart while he was gone, he would not be jealous--what could he mean by that? I dare say he only said it to tease me. I ought to have a letter soon to say when mistress is coming back. [Enter boy with letter, which he gives to Susan, and exit.]

Well, that is curious--it is from Broadstairs, I see by the post-mark.

Why, bless me, it's in John's handwriting--he can't be at Broadstairs, surely--I feel all of a tremble. (Opens the letter and reads.) "My dear Seusan, Hafter i left yeu, I thort i should not ave time to go hall the way to York, so by way of a change i c.u.m down here, where I met poor Mrs., who seemed quite in the dumps and low like, about old master being dead, which is human natur cut down like gra.s.s, Seusan, and not having a creetur to speak to, naturally took to me, which was an old tho' humbel friend, Seusan--and--do not think me guilty of hincon-stancy, which I never felt, but the long and short of it is that we was married "(the wretch!)" yesterday, and is comin' home to-morrow, where I hopes to remian very faithfully your affexionate Master and Mrs.

"John and Betsey Shortoats."

[Susan tears the letter, bursts into tears, and sinks back into a chair fainting--curtain drops.]-350--

CHAPTER XLIV -- CONFESSIONS

"....And sure the match Were rich and honourable."

--_Two Gentlemen of Verona_.

"We that are true lovers run into strange capers."

--_As You Like It_.

"....That which I would discover, The law of friendship bids me to conceal."

--_Two Gentlemen of Verona._

"Tarry I here, I but attend on death; But fly I hence, I fly away from life."

"DEAR me! what can it possibly mean? how I wish I could guess it!" said the youngest Miss Simper.

"Do you know what it is, Mr. Oaklands?" asked the second Miss Simper.

"I'm sure he does, he looks so delightfully wicked," added the eldest Miss Simper, shaking her ringlets in a fascinating manner, to evince her faith in the durability of their curl.

The eldest Miss Simper had been out four seasons, and spent the last winter at Nice, on the strength of which she talked to young men of themselves in the third person, to show her knowledge of the world, and embodied in her behaviour generally a complete system of "Matrimony-made-easy, or the whole Art of getting a good Establishment,"

proceeding from early lessons in converting acquaintances into flirts, up to the important final clause--how to lead young men of property to propose.

"Really," replied Oaklands, "my face must be far more expressive and less honest than I was aware of, for I can a.s.sure you they have studiously kept me in the dark as to the meaning."

"But you have made out some idea for yourself; it is impossible that it should be otherwise," observed the second Miss Simper, who had rubbed off some of her shyness upon a certain young Hebrew Professor at the last Cambridge Installation, and become rather blue from the contact.

"Have you?" said the youngest Miss Simper, who, being as nearly a fool as it is possible to allow that a pretty girl of seventeen can be, rested her pretensions upon a plaintive voice and a pensive smile, which went -351-- just far enough to reveal an irreproachable set of teeth, and then faded away into an expression of gentle sorrow, the source of which, like that of the Niger, had as yet remained undiscovered.

"Oh, he has!" exclaimed the eldest Miss Simper; "that exquisitely sarcastic, yet tantalising curl of the upper-lip, tells me that it is so."

"Since you press me," replied Oaklands, "I confess, I believe I have guessed it."

"I knew it--it could not have been otherwise," exclaimed the blue belle enthusiastically.

The youngest Miss Simper spoke not, but her appealing glance, and a slight exhibition of the pearl-like teeth, seemed to hint that some mysterious increase of her secret sorrow might be expected in the event of Oaklands' refusing to communicate the results of his penetration.

"As I make it out," said Harry, "the first scene was Inn, the second Constancy, and the third Inconstancy."

"Ah! that wretch John, he was the Inconstancy," observed the eldest Miss Simper, "marrying for money!--the creature!--such baseness 1 but how delightfully that dear, clever Mr. Lawless acted; he made love with such _nave_ simplicity, too; he is quite irresistible."

"I shall take care to let him know your flattering opinion," returned Oaklands with a faint attempt at a smile, while the gloom on his brow grew deeper, and the Misses Simper were in their turn deserted; the eldest gaining this slight addition to her worldly knowledge, viz., that it is not always prudent to praise one friend to another, unless you happen to be a little more behind the scenes than had been the case in the present instance.

"Umph! Frank Fairlegh, where are you? come here, boy," said Mr.

Frampton, seizing one of my b.u.t.tons, and towing me thereby into a corner. "Pretty girl, your sister f.a.n.n.y--nice girl, too--umph!"

"I am very glad she pleases you, sir," replied I; "as you become better acquainted with her, you will find that she is as good as she looks--if you like her now, you will soon grow very fond of her--everybody becomes fond of f.a.n.n.y."

"Umph! I can see one who is, at all events. Pray, sir, do you mean to let your sister marry that good-natured, well-disposed, harum-scarum young fool, Lawless?"