"That's all wery fine, but I must trouble yer to come along o' me; his Wusshup wants to speak to yer," replied the beadle, seizing Coleman by the coat-collar.

"That is a pleasure his 'Wusshup' must contrive to postpone till he has caught me," answered Freddy, as with a sudden jerk he succeeded in freeing himself from his captor's grasp, while, almost at the same moment, he dealt him a cuff on the side of the head which sent him reeling back to the door of the bell-tower, where encountering the mayor, who had just made his appearance, he came headlong to the ground, dragging that ill.u.s.trious functionary down with him in a frantic endeavour to save himself. Profiting by the confusion that ensued Freddy and I sprang forward, darted through the archway, and, making the best use of our legs, soon found ourselves in the open fields, and quite beyond the reach of pursuit.

CHAPTER XVI -- THE ROMAN FATHER

"If a dream should come in now to make you afear'd, With a wind-mill on his head, and bells at his beard; Would you straight wear your spectacles here at your toes, And your boots on your brows, and your spurs on your nose?"

--_Ben Jonson_.

"No-----he With more than Roman fort.i.tude is ever First at the board in this unhappy process Against his last and only son."

--_The Two Foscari._

DREAMS, ye strange mysterious visions of the soul! Ye wild and freakish gambolings of the spirit, freed from the incubus of matter, and unfettered by the control of reason, of what fantastic caprices are ye the originators -137----what caricatures of the various features of our waking life do ye not exhibit to us, ludicrous and distorted indeed, but still preserving through their most extravagant exaggerations a wayward and grotesque likeness to the realities they shadow forth! And stranger even than your most strange vagaries, is the cool matter-of-fact way in which our sleeping senses calmly accept and acquiesce in the medley of impossible absurdities you offer to their notice. We conceive ourselves, for instance, proceeding along a green lane on horseback; the animal upon which we are mounted becomes suddenly, we know and care not how, a copper tea-kettle, and we ride quietly on without testifying, or even feeling, the least symptom of surprise, as though the ident.i.ty of hackneys and tea-kettles was a fact generally recognised in natural history; the kettle perhaps addresses us, it converses with us on all the subjects which interest us most deeply; and we discuss our various hopes and fears, joys and sorrows, loves and hates, with no other sentiment, save a degree of pleasure at the very sensible and enlightened views which the utensil takes of the matter. I might multiply examples, ad infinitum, to ill.u.s.trate my meaning; but to those who are familiar with the phenomena alluded to one instance will suffice; while those who have never experienced them will probably, at all events, take refuge in disbelief, and lament themselves with a self-satisfying sorrow over the fresh proof it adduces of the truth of the Israelitish monarch's aphorism, that "all men are liars ".

Be this as it may, my sleep (when, at length, after the excitement I had undergone, sleep condescended to visit me, which was not until, contrary to all the rules of good breeding, Somnus had allowed me to call upon him repeatedly in vain) was disturbed by all sorts and kinds of visions.

Lawlesses innumerable, attended by shoals of top-booted shrimps--the visionary shrimp being a sort of compromise between the boy so called and the real article--drove impossible dog-carts drawn by quadrupeds whose heads and necks bore a striking resemblance to the waltz-loving Diana Clapperton, up and down ball-rooms, to the unspeakable terror of squadrons of turbaned old ladies. Deafening peals of bells, rung by troops of Freddy ColeMEN (which I take to be the correct plural of Coleman), were rousing night-capped nations from their slumbers in alarm, to whom flocks of frightened mayors were bleating forth bewildered orders, which resulted in perplexing everybody; and through it all, mixed up and combined with everything, the pale interesting face of Clara Saville, -138--characterised by an expression of the deepest sadness, gazed at me reproachfully out of its large trustful eyes, and rendered me intensely miserable. From dreams such as these I was not sorry to be aroused by the sun shining brightly through my window-shutter; and, on consulting my watch, I found, somewhat to my surprise, that I had slept till nearly midday.

On reaching the breakfast-room my first inquiry was for Lawless, in reply to which, I was informed that he had returned (on the fire-engine) about half an hour after I came in; that immediately upon his arrival he had called for unlimited supplies of rum, lemons, and other suitable ingredients, wherewith he manufactured a monster brewing of punch in a washing-tub for the benefit of the firemen, with whom he had somehow contrived to establish the most amicable relations; he then a.s.sisted in discussing the beverage he had prepared, which appeared to produce no particular effects until, wishing to rise to return thanks when they drank his health, he suddenly lost his balance, and being carried to bed by the waiter and boots, had not yet reappeared. Not liking to disturb him, I breakfasted alone, and then strolled out to look after Freddy. I found him sitting in the study, busily engaged in drawing the lease he had mentioned to us the night before. On seeing me, however, he sprang up, and, shaking me by the hand, inquired how I was after our adventures.

"That's all right, so far," was his reply to my a.s.surance that my injured arm was going on favourably, and that I felt no other ill effects of any kind. "I tell you what," he continued, "my governor's in no end of a rage about the bell-ringing affair: that old fool of a mayor recognised me it seems, and vows vengeance, threatening to do all sorts of things to me, and the governor swears he'll aid and abet him in anything he chooses to do. They had better take care what they are at, or they may find I'm not to be bullied with impunity; but come along into the drawing-room; I don't mind facing the elders now I've got you to support me; and really, what between my father's accusations and my mother's excuses, it's as good as a play."

"You're abominably undutiful, Master Fred," replied I, as I turned to follow him.

On reaching the drawing-room we found Mr. Coleman standing with his arms folded with an air of dignified severity, so exactly in the centre of the hearth-rug that he seemed to belong to the pattern. Seated in a low arm-chair on the right-hand side of the fireplace was Mrs.

-139--Coleman, apparently absorbed in the manufacture of some mysterious article of knitting, which constantly required propitiating by the repet.i.tion of a short arithmetical puzzle, without which it would by no means allow itself to be created. At her feet, engaged in the Sisyphian labour of remedying the effects of "a great fall" in worsteds, scissors, and other "articles for the work-table," knelt Lucy Markham, looking so piquante and pretty, that I could not help wondering how my friend Freddy contrived to keep himself heart-whole, if, as I imagined, he was thrown constantly into her society. The party was completed by a large, sleek, scrupulously white cat, clearly a privileged individual, who sat bolt upright in the chair opposite Mrs. Coleman, regarding the company with an air of intense self-satisfaction, and evidently considering the whole thing got up for her express delectation. Mr. Coleman received me with pompous civility, hoping I felt no ill effects from my exertions in the _earlier_ part of the evening--taking care to lay a marked emphasis on the word earlier. Lucy acknowledged my presence by a smile and a slight inclination of the head, but without altering her position.

Worthy Mrs. Coleman, however, jumped up and shook hands warmly with me, thereby providing Lucy with full employment for the next ten minutes in picking up the whole machinery of the knitting.

"Very glad indeed to see you, Mr. Lawless," commenced Mrs. Coleman.

"It's Fairlegh, mother," interposed Freddy.

"Yes, my dear, yes, I knew it was Mr. Fairlegh, only I'm always making a mistake about names; but I never forget a face I have once seen; and I'm sure I'm not likely to forget Mr. Fairlegh's after the n.o.ble way in which he behaved last night" (here Mr. Coleman turned away with a kind of ironical growl, and began caressing the cat). "I declare when I saw him setting Clara Saville's dress on fire, so nicely made as it was too----"

"My dear aunt," remonstrated Lucy, "it was Mr. Lawless who threw down the candelabrum, and set Clara's frock alight."

"Yes, my love, I know, I saw it all, my dear; and very kind it was of him, I mean afterwards, in speaking to me of it; he said he was so very sorry about it--and he called it something funny, poor young man--'no end of a something or other '------"

"Sell," suggested Freddy.

"Oh yes, that was it, no end of a sell. What did he mean by that, my dear?"

-140--"I strongly disapprove," observed Mr. Coleman (who still continued stroking the cat as he spoke, which process he performed by pa.s.sing his hand deliberately from her head, along her back, to the very tip of her tail, which he retained each time in his grasp for a moment, ere he recommenced operations), "I highly disapprove of the absurd practice, so common with young men of the present day, of expressing their ideas in that low and incomprehensible dialect, termed 'slang,' which, in my opinion, has neither wit nor refinement to redeem its vulgarity, and which effectually prevents their acquiring that easy yet dignified mode of expression which should characterise the conversation of the true gentleman. In _my_ younger days we took Burke for our model; the eloquence of Pitt and Fox gave the tone to society; and during our hours of relaxation we emulated the polished wit of Sheridan; but it is a symptom of that fearful levelling system which is one of the most alarming features of the present age; instead of striving to raise and exalt------"

"Really, my dear Mr. Coleman, I beg your pardon for interrupting you,"

cried his wife, "but this is the second time you've lifted my poor little cat off her hind legs by her tail; and though she's as good as gold, and lets you do just what you like to her, it can't be pleasant for her, I'm sure."

The only reply to this, if reply it can be called, was an angry "Psha!"

and, turning on his heel, Mr. Coleman strode with great dignity towards the window, though the effect was considerably marred by his stumbling against an ottoman which stood in the way, and hurting his shin to an extent which entailed rubbing, albeit a sublunary and un-Spartan operation, as a necessary consequence. A pause ensued, which at length became so awkward that I was about to hazard some wretched commonplace or other, for the sake of breaking the silence, when Mrs. Coleman addressed me with:--

"You'll take some luncheon, Mr. Lawless, I'm sure. Freddy, _ring the bell!_"

"He'll be ready enough to do that," growled Mr. Coleman; "you could not have asked a fitter person."

"Of course he will, a dear fellow," replied Mrs. Coleman; "he's always ready to oblige anybody."

"I disapprove greatly of such extreme facility of disposition," observed Mr. Coleman; "it lays a young man open to every temptation that comes in his way; and, for want of a proper degree of firmness and self-respect, he gets led into all kinds of follies and excesses."

-141--"Now, my dear Mr. Coleman," returned his wife, "I cannot bear to hear you talk in that way; you are too hard upon poor Freddy and his young friends; I'm certain they meant no harm;--if they _did_ ring the bells by way of a joke, I daresay they had drunk rather more champagne than was prudent, and scarcely knew what they were about; and really all they seem to have done was to make people get up a little sooner than usual, and that is rather a good thing than otherwise, for I'm sure if you did but know the trouble I have sometimes in getting the maids out of bed in the morning--and that lazy fine gentleman of a footman too, he's just as bad.--Why, what's the matter now?"

"I really am astonished at you, Mrs. Coleman," exclaimed her husband, walking hurriedly across the room--although this time he took good care to avoid the ottoman, "encouraging that boy of yours in such scandalous and ungentlemanly proceedings as those he was engaged in last night!

No harm, indeed! I only hope (that is, I don't hope it at all, for he deserves to be punished, and I wish he may) that the laws of his country may think there's no harm in it. Mr. Dullmug, the mayor, intends, very properly in my opinion, to appeal to those laws; that is a thing, I am proud to say, no Englishman ever does in vain. You may smile, sir," he continued, detecting Freddy in the act of telegraphing to me his dissent from the last doctrine propounded. "You may ridicule your old father's opinion, but you'll find it no laughing matter to clear yourself, and justify your conduct, in a court of justice. They may bring it in conspiracy, for I daresay you plotted it all beforehand; they may bring it in riot and illegal a.s.sembly, for there were three of you engaged in it; they may bring it in treason, for you incited his majesty's subjects to commit a broach of the peace, and interfered with the proper officers in the discharge of their duty: 'pon my word I don't know that they may not bring it in murder, for the poor child that had the measles in the town died between six and seven o'clock this morning, and no doubt the confusion had something to do with accelerating its death. So, sir, if you're not hanged, you're certain to be transported; and don't ask me to a.s.sist you; I've lived by supporting the law for fifty years, and I'm not going in my old age to lend my countenance to those who break it, and set it at nought, though my own son be one of them. I have spoken my mind plainly, Mr. Fairlegh, more so perhaps than I should have done before a guest -142--in my own house, but it is a matter upon which I feel deeply. I wish you good-morning, sir." So saying, he turned away, and stalked majestically out of the room, closely followed, not to say imitated, by the cat, who held her tail erect, so as to form a right angle with the line of her back, and walked with a hypocritical air of meek dignity and chastened self-approval.

"That's what I call pleasant and satisfactory," exclaimed Freddy, after a pause, during which each member of the party exchanged glances of consternation with somebody else. "Who would ever have imagined the possibility of the governor's turning cantankerous--a.s.suming the character of the Roman father upon the shortest possible notice, and thirsting to sacrifice his son on the altar of the outraged laws of his country! What an interesting victim I shall make, to be sure! Lucy must lend me that wreath of roses she looked so pretty in last night, to wear at the fatal ceremony. And my dear mother shall stand near, tearing out those revered locks of hers by handfuls." (The reader should perhaps be informed that Mrs. Coleman rejoiced in a false front of so open and ingenuous a nature, that from its youth upwards it never could have been guilty of deceiving any one.) "May I ring and tell John to have all the carving knives sharpened? it would be more satisfactory to my feelings not to be slaughtered with a blunt weapon."

"Don't talk in that way, Frederick," cried Mrs. Coleman. "I'm sure your father would never think of doing such dreadful things; but I believe you're only making fun of him, which isn't at all right of you. I'm not a bit surprised at his being angry with you, when you know how steady he always says he was as a young man (not that I ever quite believe it, though); _he_ never went ringing bells, however late he might stay out at night, that I heard of (though I should never have known it if he had, very likely). I don't myself see any great harm in it, you know, Mr. Fairless, particularly after your saving poor Clara Saville, and Freddy from drowning, when you were all boys together--indeed I shall always have the highest opinion of you for it, only I wish you had never done it at all, either of you, because of making your father so angry, you I mean, Frederick."

"Have you received any account of Miss Saville this morning?" inquired I, anxious to change the conversation; for I could see that Freddy, despite his a.s.sumed indifference, was a good deal annoyed at the serious light in which the old gentleman seemed to look upon our -143--_escapade_. "I should be glad to know that she was none the worse for all the alarm she must have suffered."

"No, we have not heard anything of her," replied Lucy. "Should we not send to inquire after her, aunt?"

"Certainly, my dear Lucy; I am glad you have reminded me; I always meant to send, only all this has put it out of my head."

"Now, Frank, there's a splendid chance for you," exclaimed Freddy; "nothing can be more correct than for you to call and make the proper inquiries in person; and then if old Stiff-back should happen not to be at home, and you can contrive to get let in, and the young lady be not actually a stone----"

"Indeed, Frederick, she is nothing of the kind," interrupted Lucy warmly; "if you only knew her, you would be astonished to find what deep warm feelings are concealed beneath that calm manner of hers; but she has wonderful self-control. I could see last night how much she was grieved at being obliged to go away without having thanked Mr. Fairlegh for saving her."

"Give her a chance to repair the error to-day, by all means, then,"

said Freddy; "and if you should succeed in gaining an interview, and she really is anxious to do a little bit of the grateful, and old Vernor does not kick you downstairs, I shall begin to regret that I didn't extinguish her myself."

"I really have a great mind to follow your advice," returned I; "it is only proper to inquire after the young lady, and they need not let me in unless they like."

"If you should see her, Mr. Lawlegh," said Mrs. Coleman, "tell her from me how very much vexed I was about the candelabrum being thrown down and setting fire to her dress; it was made of the very best Dresden china, and must have cost (only it was a present, which made it all the more valuable, you know) fifteen or sixteen guineas; and I'm sure I wonder, now I come to think of it, why it did not flare up and burn her to death; but you were so quick and clever, and entirely spoilt that beautiful whittle of old Mrs. Trottles, with the greatest presence of mind; and I'm sure we ought all to be thankful to you for it; and we shall be delighted to see her when she has quite recovered it, tell her, particularly Lucy, who is nearest her own age, you know."

"Let me see," said Freddy, musing; "Mrs. Trottles must be seventy-two if she is a day; 'pon my word, Lucy, you're the youngest-looking woman of your age I ever -144--met with; if I had not heard my mother say it myself, I'd never have believed it."

"Believed what, Freddy? What have I said?" asked Mrs. Coleman.

"That Lucy was Mrs. Trottles' most intimate friend, because she was nearest her own age," returned Freddy.

"No such thing, sir; I said, or I meant to say--only you are so tiresome with your jokes, that you puzzle one--that Lucy being her own age, I mean Clara's, Mr. Fairless was to tell her how very glad she would be--and very natural it is for young people to like young people--to see her; and I hope you'll remember to tell her all I have said exactly, Mr.

Fairless, for I'm always anxious to try to please and amuse her, she's so very dull and stupid, poor thing!"

To perform this utter impossibility I faithfully pledged myself; and, taking a hasty farewell of the ladies, hurried out of the room to conceal a fit of laughter which had been gradually becoming irrepressible.

"Laugh away, old boy," cried Freddy, who had accompanied me into the hall; "no wonder I'm an odd fellow, for, as Pat would say, my mother was one before me, and no mistake. I wish you luck with the fair Clara--not that you'll see her--old Vernor will take care of that somehow or other; even if he's not at home, he'll have locked her up safely before he went out, depend upon it."