"Nay, I don't want anything of that kind; I don't indeed, Lawless; pray leave him alone," cried Oaklands eagerly.

But Lawless was not so easily quieted, and Oaklands, unwilling to risk the harmony so newly established between them, did not choose to interfere further; so Mullins was dragged across the room by the ears, and was forced by Lawless, who stood over him with the poker (which, he informed him, he was destined to eat red-hot if he became restive), to make Oaklands a long and -59--formal apology, with a short form of thanksgiving appended, for the kindness and condescension he had evinced in knocking him down so nicely, of which oration he delivered himself with a very bad grace indeed.

"And all went merry as a marriage-bell," until we were summoned to the drawing-room, where we were regaled with weak tea, thin bread and b.u.t.ter, and small conversation till ten o'clock, when Mrs. Mildman proceeded to read prayers, which, being a duty she was little accustomed to, and which consequently rendered her extremely nervous, she did not accomplish without having twice called King William, George, and suppressed our gracious Queen Adelaide altogether.

CHAPTER VII -- THE BOARD OF GREEN CLOTH

"What have we here--a man or a fish?"

--The Tempest.

'"The devil he baited a trap, With billiard b.a.l.l.s and a cue;

And he chose as marker,

An imp much darker Than all the rest in hue.

And he put on his Sunday clothes, And he played with saint and with sinner,

For he'd found out a way

To make the thing pay, And when losing, _He still was the winner!_"

--_Old Legend_.

THE moment Dr. Mildman arrived at home the next day Lawless watched him into his study, and, as soon as he was safely lodged therein, proceeded, by the aid of sundry nails and loops previously placed there for the purpose, to hang his Macintosh right across the pa.s.sage, so that no one could leave the study without running against it. He then ambushed himself near the open door of the pupils' room, where, unseen himself, he could observe the effect of his arrangements. Coleman and I, also taking a lively interest in the event, ensconced ourselves in a favourable position for seeing and hearing. After waiting till our small stock of patience was nearly exhausted, we were rewarded by hearing the study-door slowly open, followed by the tread of a well-known footstep in the pa.s.sage. The next sound that reached -60--our ears was a quick shuffling of feet upon the oil-cloth, as if the person advancing had "shyed" at some unexpected object; then came the muttered exclamation, "Bless my heart, what's this?" And immediately afterwards Dr. Mildman's face, wearing an expression of the most thorough perplexity and bewilderment, appeared cautiously peeping from behind the Macintosh.

Having apparently satisfied himself that no enemy was concealed there, and he had nothing further to fear, but that the whole plot was centred as it were in the mysterious garment before him, he set himself seriously to work to examine it. First he pulled out his eye-gla.s.s and, stepping back a pace or two, took a general survey of the whole; he then approached it again, and taking hold of it in different places with his hand, examined it in detail so closely that it seemed as if he were trying to count the number of threads. Being apparently unwilling in so difficult an investigation to trust to the evidence of any one sense, he replaced his eye-gla.s.s in his waistcoat pocket, and began rubbing a portion of the skirt between his hands; the sense of touch failing, however, to throw any new light upon the subject, as a sort of forlorn hope, he applied his nose to it. The result of this was an indescribable exclamation, expressive of intense disgust, followed immediately by a violent sneeze; then came a long pause, as though he were considering of what possible use such a garment could be. At length a ray of light seemed to break in upon the darkness, and once more laying hands on the Macintosh he proceeded, after unhooking it from the nails on which it hung, slowly and deliberately to put it on, with the back part foremost, somewhat after the fashion of a child's pinafore. Having at length accomplished this difficult operation, he walked, or rather shuffled (for his petticoats interfered greatly with the free use of his limbs), up and down the hall, with a grave, not to say solemn, expression of countenance. Appearing perfectly satisfied after one or two turns that he had at last solved the enigma, he divested himself of the perplexing garment, hung it on a peg appropriated to great-coats, and approached the door of the pupils' room.

By the time he entered Lawless was seated at his desk studying Herodotus, while Coleman and I were deeply immersed in our respective Euclids.

After shaking hands with Oaklands, and addressing some good-natured remarks to each of us in turn, he went up to Lawless, and, laying his hand kindly on his shoulder, said, with a half-smile:--

-61--"I am afraid I have made rather an absurd mistake about that strange garment of yours, Lawless; I suppose it is some new kind of greatcoat, is it not?"

"Yes, sir, it is a sort of waterproof cloth, made with Indian rubber."

"Indian rubber, is it? Well, I fancied so; it has not the nicest smell in the world. I certainly thought it was a smock-frock, though, when I saw you go out in it. Is not it rather awkward to walk in? I found it so when I tried it on just now, and b.u.t.toning behind does not seem to me at all a good plan."

"No, sir, but it is meant to b.u.t.ton in front; perhaps you put it on the back part foremost."

"Hem!" said Dr. Mildman, trying to look as if he thought such a thing impossible, and failing--"it is a very singular article of dress altogether, but I am glad it was not a smock-frock you went out in. I hope," continued he, turning to Oaklands, with an evident wish to change the conversation, "I hope they took good care of you when you arrived last night?"

This was turning the tables with a vengeance! Lawless became suddenly immersed in Herodotus again.

"Oh! the greatest," was the reply; "I had so much attention paid me that I was almost _upset_ by it. I was not quite overcome, though," he continued, with a sly glance towards Lawless, "and Mrs. Mildman gave us some very nice tea, which soon restored me."

"Well, I'm glad they managed to make you comfortable among them,"

observed Dr. Mildman, turning over his papers and books, preparatory to beginning the morning's study.

"Hadn't you better ask him when he expects the sofa will be down?"

suggested Coleman to Oaklands, in a whisper.

"No, you jackanapes," was the reply, "and don't you make me laugh when that old gentleman is in the room, for there's nothing more fatiguing than the attempt to smother a laugh."

Coleman's only answer to this, if answer it could be called, was a grimace, which had the desired effect of throwing Oaklands into a fit of laughter, which he found it very hard labour indeed to stifle; nor had his countenance quite recovered from the effects of his exertions, when he was summoned to the Doctor's table to undergo an examination similar to that which had appeared so formidable to me a few days before; and thus terminated the notable adventure of the carter's frock, though I -62--observed that after a week or two had elapsed the Macintosh was handed over to Thomas, and Smithson was called upon to tax his inventive powers to furnish Lawless with a less questionably shaped garment of the same material.

A few days after this, as I was walking with Coleman, he suddenly exclaimed:--

"Well, of all the antediluvian affairs I ever beheld, the old fellow now coming towards us is the queerest; he looks like a fossil edition of Methuselah, dug up and modernised some hundred years ago at the very least. Holloa! he's going mad I believe; I hope he does not bite."

The subject of these somewhat uncomplimentary remarks was a little old gentleman in a broad-brimmed white hat, turned up with green, and a black cloth spencer (an article much like a boy's jacket exaggerated), from beneath which protruded the very broad tails of a blue coat, with rather more than their proper complement of bright bra.s.s b.u.t.tons, while drab gaiters and shorts completed the costume.

The moment, however, I beheld the countenance of the individual in question, I recognised the never-to-be-mistaken mole at the tip of the nose of my late coach companion to London. The recognition seemed mutual, for no sooner did he perceive me than he stopped short, and pointed straight at me with a stout silver-mounted bamboo which he held in his hand, uttering a sonorous "Umph!" as he did so; to which somewhat unusual mode of salutation may be attributed Coleman's doubts as to his sanity.

"Who'd ever have thought of meeting you at Helmstone, I should like to know?" exclaimed he in a tone of astonishment.

"I was going to say the same thing to you, sir," replied I; "I came down here the very day on which we travelled together."

"Umph! I came the next; well, and what are you doing now you are here?

Schoolmaster lives here, I suppose--tutor, you call him, though, don't you?"

I informed him of my tutor's name and residence, when he continued:--

"Umph! I know him; very good man, too good to be plagued by a set of tiresome boys--men, though, you call yourselves, don't you? Umph! Is he a man too?" he inquired, pointing to Coleman.

"I've been a man these seventeen years, sir," replied Coleman.

-63--"Umph, a man seventeen years ago! a baby, more likely: what does he mean? what does he mean?"

I explained that he probably intended a pun upon his name, which was Coleman.

"A pun, Umph? he makes puns, does he? funny boy, funny boy, I daresay.

How does the Doctor like that, though? Make puns to him, he'd _pun_ish you, Umph? Stupid things puns--made one myself then, though--just like me. Well, give the Doctor my compliments--Mr. Frampton's--I live at No.

10 Castle Street,--he knows me, and ask him to let you come and dine with me next week; bring funny boy too, if he likes to come;" and away he posted, muttering "Umph! plaguing myself about a pack of boys, when I might be quiet--just like me!"

We did not fail to deliver Mr. Frampton's message to Dr. Mildman on our return home, who willingly gave us the required permission, saying that he knew but little of the old gentleman personally, though he had resided for several years at Helmstone, but that he was universally respected, in spite of his eccentricities, and was reported to have spent great part of his life abroad. The next time I met my new friend he repeated his invitation to Coleman and myself, and, on the day appointed, gave us an excellent dinner, with quite as much wine as we knew what to do with; amused and interested us with sundry well-told anecdotes of adventures he had met with during his residence in foreign lands, and dismissed us at nine o'clock with a tip of a guinea each, and an injunction to come and see him again whenever we pleased.

For many succeeding weeks nothing of any particular moment occurred to interrupt the even tenor of the new course of life I had entered upon.

The liking which Oaklands seemed to have taken to me at first sight soon ripened into a warm friendship, which continued daily to increase on my part, as the many n.o.ble and lovable qualities of his disposition appeared, one by one, from behind the veil of indolence which, till one knew him well, effectually concealed them. Coleman, though too volatile to make a real friend of, was a very agreeable companion, and, if it were ever possible to get him to be serious for a minute, showed that beneath the frivolity of his manner lay a basis of clear good sense and right feeling, which only required calling forth to render him a much higher character than he appeared at present. For the rest, I was alternately bullied and patronised by Lawless (though he never ventured on the former line of conduct when Oaklands was present), while c.u.mberland, outwardly -64--professing great regard for me, never let slip an opportunity of showing me an ill-natured turn, when he could contrive to do so without committing himself openly.

A more intimate acquaintance with Mullins only served to place beyond a doubt the fact of his being a most unmitigated, and not over-amiable, fool. The word is a strong one, but I fear that, if I were to use a milder term, it would be at the expense of truth.

For my tutor I soon began to conceive the warmest feeling of regard and esteem; in fact, it was impossible to know him well, and not to love him. Simple as a child in everything relating to worldly matters, he united the deepest learning to the most elevated piety, while the thoroughly practical character of his religion, carried, as it was, into all the minor details of everyday life, imparted a gentleness and benignity to his manner which seemed to elevate him above the level of ordinary mortals. If he had a fault (I suppose, merely for the sake of proving him human, I must allow him one), it was a want of moral courage, which made it so disagreeable to him to find fault with any of us, that he would now and then allow evils to exist, which a little more firmness and decision might have prevented; but, had it not been for this, he would have been quite perfect, and perfection is a thing not to be met with in this life.

c.u.mberland, after the eventful evening on which he acted as peacemaker between Lawless and Oaklands, had persevered steadily in his endeavour to ingratiate himself with the latter; and, by taking advantage of his weak point, his indolence and dislike of trouble, had, at length, succeeded in making Oaklands believe him essential to his comfort.

Thus, though there was not the smallest sympathy between them, a sort of alliance was established, which gave c.u.mberland exactly the opportunities he required for putting into execution certain schemes which he had formed. Of what these schemes consisted, and how far they succeeded, will appear in the course of this veracious history.

The winter months, after favouring us with rather more than our due allowance of frost and snow, had at length pa.s.sed away, and March, having come in like a lion, appeared determined, after the fashion of Bottom the weaver, "to roar that it would do any man's heart good to hear him," and to kick up a thorough dust ere he would condescend to go out like a lamb, albeit, in the latter state, he might have made a shilling per pound of himself at any market, had he felt suicidally inclined.