It Ain't Easy Being Green:

4 Famously Jealous Politicians

Sure, jealousy isn't exactly the best of traits, but occasionally it'll help a guy get a lot done. The following go-getters found plenty of things (and occasionally people) to cross off their to-do lists when plagued with a bit of the green.

_01:: Nero's Fiddling with Power Poor old fiddling Nero was an unlikely candidate for emperor of Rome. But after his mother, Agrippinilla, conned her way into the bed of her uncle, Emperor Claudius, Nero was adopted by Claudius as coheir with Claudius's son, Britannicus. When Claudius died in 54, Nero became the emperor in name only. Of course, the real power was concentrated in the hands of his mother and her cronies, and Nero didn't like it. Jealous of his mom's power and her playing favorites with Britannicus, Nero most likely had the boy murdered in 55 and in 59 arranged for a series of mishaps for Agrippinilla (she had a strong survival instinct, so he eventually ordered her to be stabbed to death). Not exactly the best son, he wasn't exactly the best ruler, either. He went on to a reign of terror, killing anyone he perceived as a threat, including most of his surviving relatives. Of course, it all caught up with him in the end. Nero was eventually overthrown, declared a public enemy, and forced to kill himself while on the run.

_02:: Themistocles's Sleep Disorder Themistocles was a brilliant orator and politician, but his jealousy knew no bounds. Furious after a rival named Miltiades won a victory over the Persians at Marathon (490 BCE), he famously declared "Miltiades' trophy does not let me sleep." And it didn't. Not only did Themistocles force his countrymen to build the largest navy in Greece, but as an expert on both battlefield tactics and psychological warfare, he was also largely responsible for the Greek victory over the Persian navy at Salamis (479 BCE). That was hardly the end of Themistocles' jealousy, however. The ugly green monster reared its head again not long after, and he became involved in a struggle against his rival, Aristides. Unfortunately for Themistocles, allegations of political corruption led to his exile in the late 470s BCE, and the architect of Greek victory over the Persians died in Asia Minor...living off a Persian government stipend. Strange bedfellows indeed!

_03:: The Bonaparte Black Sheep It's not easy being the little brother, especially when your big sib is a self-made emperor. So it's no wonder relations between Lucien Bonaparte and brother Napoleon were often abrasive and strained. At first a supporter of Napoleon, Lucien became disillusioned by what he saw as the betrayal of the French Revolution. Unfortunately, he was sort of the Fredo Corleone of the family, being stupid enough to let a subversive pamphlet he had written fall into the hands of Napoleon's police. Obviously, it strained their relationship even further and made him one of the few Bonapartes who didn't end up king of something. In 1804, Lucien went into exile in Rome, and the pope named him prince of Canino, largely to annoy Napoleon. Not the brightest move. Napoleon imprisoned the pope in 1809. Lucien on the other hand was America-bound; captured by the British, he remained a prisoner for several years before returning to a comfortable, Napoleon-free retirement on the Continent.

_04:: Jealous Joe Iosif Dzhugashvili, better known to the world as Joseph Stalin, was a man of complicated psyche, but jealousy was one of his most obvious traits. During the years leading up to and following the Russian Revolution, his idol, Lenin, scorned him in favor of intellectuals such as Leon Trotsky, Lev Kamenev, Grigory Zinoviev, and Nikolay Bukharin. But when Lenin died in 1924, Stalin was quite happy to take his revenge, spending several years playing his rivals off against each other before eliminating them all in the Great Purge of the 1930s. In deciding whom to eliminate, Stalin paid particularly close attention to those whose popularity rivaled his. Of course, his private life wasn't free of jealousy, either; his fights with his second wife, Nadezhda Alliluyeva, whom he sometimes suspected of infidelity, were legendary. After one such incident in 1932, Nadezhda died of a gunshot wound; the official line is that this was a suicide, though there's no dearth of historians who suspect Stalin of pulling the trigger himself. After all, he wasn't exactly of the "never harm a fly" mold.

Touch of Evil Some believe that "sore loser" Richard Nixon might have been in on the plot to a.s.sa.s.sinate John F. Kennedy. The flimsy theory is based on the fact that Tricky d.i.c.k was actually in Dallas at a Pepsi-Cola board meeting mere hours before the tragic event occurred.

GLUTTONY.

7 Unusual Food Compet.i.tions 3 Delicious Animals We Charbroiled into Extinctionand 1 That Tasted Nasty but We Killed It Anyway The 5 Most Excessive Weddings in History 4 Facts about Roman Excess 3 Diets to Avoid: Religious Councils through the Ages 6 Delicacies That Make You Gag 5 Facts on Cannibalism 4 Deaths of Famous People Caused by Overindulgence in Drugs, Drink, or Dessert 5 Monarchs Who Tipped the Scales 5 Fads from the Slimming Fashion Industry 5 Plants Known to Cause Hysteria World's 5 Oddest Cuisines 4 Dictators with Infamous Sweet Tooths 6 Servings of Swine: The Worst Pork Barrel Politics Revealed 8 Myths from Other Cultures about G.o.ds' Strange Eating Habits 4 Pioneers of All-You-Can-Eat 3 Crazy Diets from Crazy Times 4 Presidents Who Overindulged 5 Deadly Digestive Problems 3 Philosophers Who Liked to Get Groovy Thoughts I Eat Therefore I Am:

7 Unusual Food Compet.i.tions

The Nathan's Hot DogEating Contest is only the most famous of all eating contests. And the ones on Fear Factor are only the most contrived. But if you're looking for a lesser-known chow challenge to show off your plate-cleaning prowess, these gastronomic free-for-alls might be just the place to start.

_01:: Matzo b.a.l.l.s It ain't easy keeping kosher. Especially for contestants in the Ben's New York Kosher Deli Charity Matzo BallEating Tournament. The contest is a charity fund-raiser for the Interfaith Nutrition Network sponsored by a New Yorkarea deli chain. The record holder for 2004 is Eric "Badlands" Booker of Copaigue, Long Island, who ate 20 matzo b.a.l.l.s in five minutes and 25 seconds. If that doesn't sound like a lot, you should know that these matzo b.a.l.l.s were roughly the size of tennis b.a.l.l.s. Oy! The winner gets a trophy and a $2,500 gift certificate to a stereo store, while runners-up get various prize packages, all of which involve tickets to a New York Islanders game. Umm...all that matzo for an Islanders ticket? We're thinking we'll pa.s.s.

_02:: Live Mice The MTV show Jacka.s.s sp.a.w.ned a lot of copycat dumba.s.ses. But two hungry fellas in Brisbane, Australia, win the prize. Partic.i.p.ating in a contest at Brisbane's Exchange Hotel in which they were dared to eat a live mouse, the two men competed for a grand prize that was a vacation package worth a handsome $346. Both men chewed the tails off, and the "winner" actually chewed his mouse whole and spit it out. Needless to say, the RSPCA, Australia's version of our own SPCA, wasn't thrilled about the stunt and got the Queensland police on the partic.i.p.ants'umtail. If caught, the winner will face fines of $75,000 and two years in the pokey. And just think how many big, fat, edible rodents must be in there!

_03:: Pickled Quail Eggs Texas may have plenty of barbecue contests and chili cook-offs, but nothing holds a candle to the Pickled-Quail-Egg-Eating Contest held annually in Grand Prairie, a town between Dallas and Fort Worth. Begun as a publicity stunt by a flea market called Traders Village, the contest determines who can down the most pickled quail eggs in 60 seconds. Quail eggs are roughly the size of a large olive, and the rules stipulate that they must be eaten one at a time. In 2003, the contest was won for the seventh straight time by Grand Prairie resident Lester Tucker, who downed 42 in a minute. So, what's the secret to old Lester's success? He swallows them whole.

_04:: Cessna 150 Yes, that's an airplane. And the guy who ate it is a French gent named Michel Lot.i.to, who goes by Monsieur Mangetout (French for "Mr. Eats Everything." See what he did there?). Lot.i.to engaged in the stunt to earn a place in Guinness World Records (his actual record is for Most Unusual Diet: two pounds of metal per day), but his iron stomach's downed a lot more than just a plane. He's also the proud eater of 18 bicycles, a bunch of TVs, a wooden coffin, and several supermarket shopping carts. Not to mention all the lightbulbs, razor blades, and other knickknacks he's downed on variety shows. Looking for a reason why you shouldn't try this at home (or with your home)? Well, Lot.i.to's got a natural advantage because his stomach lining is twice as thick as a normal person's. He's also aided by the fact that he's French, and the French will eat just about anything (Escargot, anyone?).

_05:: Black Pudding It's hard enough to eat a little bit of some English food, much less a lot of it. And black pudding is not a dish you want to overindulge in. But don't let the name of this delicacy fool you. This treat from northern England and Scotland isn't pudding in the yummy, creamy, Bill Cosby sense of the word. It's more like a sausage, and it contains oatmeal, onions, spices, plenty of suet, and a whole lot of pig's blood. Hence the black. In 1998, the Robert Peel pub in the English town of Bury, near Manchester, decided to start a black puddingeating contest. The first winner was Martin Brimelow, who ate nine black puddings. Though he was ahead, his victory was a.s.sured when he ate a special black pudding injected with Tabasco sauce, which counted as two.

_06:: Corned Beef and Cabbage Mo's Irish Pub in Milwaukee celebrates its very Irish heritage with dignity and cla.s.s: an annual Corned Beef and CabbageEating Contest. The winner in 2004 was Ed "Cookie" Jarvis, a veteran eating-contest compet.i.tor (he holds 29 t.i.tles) who weighed in at an intimidating 419 pounds. Jarvis packed away over five pounds of corned beef and cabbage in 10 minutes, beating the closest compet.i.tor by almost two pounds. Need an idea of just how fast that is? He packed away his first plate in a mere 80 seconds! As in many eating contests, there are only two ways to get disqualified: cheat or puke. It's a wonder this contest wasn't followed by an unofficial Gas-X Binge-Drinking Bout.

Touch of Evil In 1990, Guinness World Records stopped listing records for gluttony or eating contests. They later ended "heaviest pets" records, too, as demented folk were overstuffing Fido and Fluffy to try to gain entry into the book.

_07:: Vodka Sure, there are beer-drinking contests, so why not vodka-drinking contests? Well, here's why. In 2003 a bar in the southern Russian town of VolG.o.donsk decided to hold just such a compet.i.tion. After all, Russians are famous for their ability to hold their vodka, and annual consumption is over 15 liters per person. The winner would get...well, more vodka. Ten liters of it, to be exact. Sadly, the winner never got to claim his prize. After downing 1.5 liters of vodka in under 40 minutes (which is about 51 shots), the vodka champ pa.s.sed away about 20 minutes later. What about the runners-up? The five other contestants got treated to full luxury stays in intensive care. Scary enough, many of the ones who weren't hospitalized actually showed up at the same bar the next night.

"Where the Buffalo Roast":

3 Delicious Animals We Charbroiled into

Extinctionand 1 That Tasted Nasty

but We Killed It Anyway

"Good to the last drop" proved to be a great slogan for Maxwell House coffee. But the "Good to the last existing representation of the species" tagline hasn't worked so well for these delectable creatures. Here are four animals that prove that slow and tasty never wins the race.

_01:: The Dodo Bigger than turkeys and more naive than happy taxpayers, the dodo didn't exactly have the best survival strategy on the block. Consider the evidence. Not only was the dodo a flightless bird, it also had tiny wings, a small tuft of curly feathers on its b.u.m, and it laid only one egg a year. It's no wonder European sailors who landed on the sh.o.r.es of Mauritius in the early 16th century got a big laugh out of the clumsy bird, which, in addition to its previously lamented attributes, had absolutely no fear of man. The sailors also got quite a few meals out of the aves, even though they were said to be close to inedible (Dutch settlers called them walgvogel, or "disgusting bird"). No matter. Pigs, rats, and monkeys introduced to the island helped man kill off the bird by 1681. Which is why there aren't any Kentucky Fried Dodos today.

_02:: The Sea Cow They were big, slow, tasty, and defenseless, all of which is a bad combination around a slew of hungry humans. A cold-water relative of the manatee and dugong, the sea cow was discovered by Europeans in 1741 when the explorer Vitus Bering and his crew were shipwrecked in the area between Siberia and Alaska. And since the adventurous lot couldn't really explore the land, they took to exploring their palate. Our shipwrecked gourmands quickly discovered that sea cow meat tasted like veal and remained fresh for a surprisingly long time. And there was a lot of meat, too, since the beasts reached as much as 26 feet in length and weighed up to 8 tons. They resembled a modern manatee, with looks like your mother-in-lawif your mother-in-law has big expressive brown eyes, a small head, external ears the size of peas, and bristling whiskers. Estimates are that only about 20% of the sea cows shot or harpooned were actually caught, but they all died. By 1768, the gentle, delicious beasts were naught but lip-smacking memories.

Just the Facts DINING WITH DIAMOND JIM BRADY (18561917) Diamond Jim began as a bellboy and ended as a fabulously wealthy railroad tyc.o.o.n, financier, and philanthropist. Now and then he had a bite to eat.

1: Number of gallons of orange juice the millionaire railroad tyc.o.o.n drank for breakfast 2: Number of pounds of candy Brady often finished a meal withafter desserts 6: Number of times the size of Brady's stomach was compared with a normal person's stomach 8: Number of lobsters Brady often ate as a dinner course or as a "light" lunch 12: Number of eggs Brady liked in his souffle 25: Number of "best customers" the owner of Charles Rector's, an exclusive Broadway restaurant, said Brady representedall by himself 72: Number of oysters with which Brady often started an evening's repast 150,000: Number of dollars Brady reportedly paid a Boston chocolate manufacturer to build a larger factory to adequately supply the legendary gourmand **

Touch of Evil The Labrador duck went extinct not only because of its meat, but also because of its eggs. The bird could lay up to an egg per day, but that didn't stop humans and other predators from wiping them out by 1875.

_03:: The Great Auk Rich in protein, chock-full of nutritious fats and oils, and great for baiting fishhooks, this flightless seabird was, well, great. Found on the rocky islands and coastal areas on both sides of the North Atlantic, great auks were like a somewhat smaller version of the dodo, and they had the brains to match. Starting in the early 16th century, sailors began marching the clueless creatures up the gangplank and pushing them into the ship's hold by the hundreds. Unlike the dodo, however, the auk was considered great grub, and the tasty bird was hunted for its feathers, skin, and eggs to boot. Unfortunately, you'll never get to feast on the great auk's tender meat, and you have your European brothers to thank for it. The last pair was killed on an island off the coast of Iceland back in 1844.

_04:: The Pa.s.senger Pigeon The naturalist John James Audubon once reported seeing a flock of pa.s.senger pigeons so numerous, it took three days for them to fly over. And he wasn't exaggerating. In the early part of the 19th century, the birds, which were slightly larger than mourning doves, were estimated to make up as much as 40% of North America's entire avian population. But the abundance of the creatures made them easy marks. Effortlessly hunted, the birds were mowed down mostly for food but occasionally for sport, with some "sportsmen" bagging as many as 5,000 in a day. In fact, the birds filled entire train boxcars as they were shipped to markets in eastern cities. Unable to sustain themselves except in large flocks, the pigeons dwindled rapidly. In 1900, a 14-year-old boy shot the last wild pa.s.senger pigeon (boys will be boys). Fourteen years later, the last one in captivity died at the Cincinnati Zoo. Her name was Martha.

Nothing's Good in Moderation: The

5 Most Excessive Weddings in History

Sure, there's lots to consider in planning a wedding: dresses, cakes, bands, halls...all of which can add up to a hefty bill for the parents of the bride (or, in some cultures, the groom). But perhaps those bellyaching about the substantial hit their bank account is about to take should pause for a moment to consider some of history's most ridiculously, outrageously off-the-wall weddings. Suddenly dropping a few grand on a one-wear gown doesn't seem so bad, does it?

_01:: Attila the Hun and Ildico (453 CE) Attila the Hun, perennial barbarian bad boy, was apparently also a perennial playboy. Leader of the Huns, Attila somehow also found time to marry 12 women and father an unknown number of children. Never able to quite get enough, Attila still might have wanted to hold off on the last wife. On his last wedding night, in 453 CE, the royalty of every nation under Hun dominion, from the Rhine to the Volga, were in attendance, and thousands of gallons of booze and whole herds of sheep were brought in to slake their appet.i.tes. No ordinary nuptials, the drinking and feasting were to last for days, but on the morning after taking his 16-year-old bride to bed, the 50-something warlord was found dead. Whether his death was caused by poison, overdrinking, or just too much fun in the sack, the world will probably never know.

_02:: Margaret of York and Charles the Bold (1468) Despite the protests of France's Louis XI, who was fearful of an alliance between the English and the Burgundians, Margaret of York was engaged to Charles the Bold, aka the duke of Burgundy. And in spite of the king's objection, the crazy cats decided to go forth with said ceremony and party like it was 1469. Extravagant even by the standards of European royal weddings, the blessed event was accompanied by a tournament in which the most famous knights in Europe bludgeoned one another for days. And Margaret's crown, covered in pearls and diamonds, was so valuable that it's now on display in the treasury of Aachen Cathedral. Of course, the preceremony celebrations were equally grand. The nuptials themselves were preceded by parades through the streets of Bruges, a pageant reenacted every year during (coincidentally enough) the tourist season. Sadly, Margaret's subsequent life was a little less like a fairy tale: she lived to see the death of her husband in battle (1477) against the French and the overthrow of both Burgundy as an independent duchy (1482) and of her own family across the Channel (1485).

_03:: Prince Rainier of Monaco and Grace Kelly (1956) Billed as "the wedding of the century," the union between the prince of Monaco (whose family is actually descended from Genoese pirates) and the Hollywood starlet was the talk of the civilized world for much of the mid-1950s. Rainier gave his bride a 10-carat diamond ring, and his subjects gave their new princess diamond earrings and a necklace to match and, for no particular reason, a Rolls-Royce. Of course, the gown was no joke, either, as Grace's dress was designed by an Oscar winner, Helen Rose. The couple had two wedding ceremonies, a private civil ceremony in the Riviera princ.i.p.ality's throne room and a public religious ceremony in Monaco Cathedral. Over 600 of the world's rich and famous attended the reception, including Frank Sinatra, Cary Grant, and Ava Gardner. Tragically, Princess Grace was killed in 1982 in a car accident. Interestingly, commemorative U.S. postage stamps were issued in her honor, but they gave her name only as "Grace Kelly." Why? Because U.S. law bans the placement of foreign monarchs on its postage stamps.

Touch of Evil Mariah Carey wore a $25,000 gown for her wedding to Sony Music Entertainment boss Tommy Mottola, an event that featured fifty flower girls and cost more than half a million bucks. If only the investment had paid off: the couple separated before celebrating their fourth anniversary.

_04:: Muhammad and Salama of Dubai (1981) Things can be rough when you're constantly trying to "keep up with the Joneses," or the Hamids, as the case may be. Arab weddings are often such bank-breakers that Arab economists frequently bemoan the size and expense that have become culturally expected. But that didn't stop Rashid bin Sayid al-Maktoum, sheikh of Dubai, in planning his son Muhammad's 1981 wedding to Princess Salama. Lasting a mere seven days (seven!), the wedding was held in a stadium built expressly to host the festivities. Twenty thousand guests attended, and the bill came in at just over $44 million.

_05:: The Mittal Affair (2004) In possibly the most luxurious wedding in history, Vanisha Mittal, daughter of Anglo-Indian steel tyc.o.o.n Laxmi Mittal, married Amit Bhatia, an investment banker who literally cashed in. The wedding, held in June 2004 in a chateau in France, lasted six days and was reported to have cost over $90 million (yes, that's U.S. dollars). The guest roster included some of Bollywood's brightest stars and some of Europe's deepest pockets. Among the expenditures: $520,000 for a performance by pop diva Kylie Minogue, who performed for a half hour. That's almost $300 per second, a figure even more shocking when you factor in dollars per unit of talent.

4 Facts about Roman Excess From insanely large feasts to the lewdest of lewd orgies, Romans certainly loved their excess and ohs. The following are just a few of the areas they really could have trimmed back on.

_01:: The Food If you're throwing a vintage Roman orgy, you'll need to make sure your pantry's well stocked. For breakfast, the Romans served bread, grapes, olives, with cheese and eggs all at the fourth hour. Then followed a meal at the sixth hour and at the ninth hour, the cena (evening meal), when a three-part meal was served. The first part was the gustus, which was designed to whet the appet.i.te with sh.e.l.lfish and spicy sauces. Second was the fercula, which consisted of many different courses of meats and vegetables, while the third, the mensae secundae, was a dessert composed of fruits and pastry. Of course, ancient orgygoers also chowed down on ram's head pies, stuffed fowl, and boiled calf and pastry stuffed with raisins and nuts. Don't forget that atmosphere counts for something, too! Dishes were often made of gold and silver and precious jewels, banquet rooms were strewn with lilies and roses, and the partic.i.p.ants lived for the present. Of course, you'll want to make sure you've got an army of slaves wearing costly dresses, just to make sure your guests feel extra welcome. Also, any and all sorts of bodily functions were accepted and even encouraged during dinner: belching, farting, spitting, relieving oneself in slave-borne chamber pots in full view of other guests, and even vomiting to make room for more grub. Don't remember that scene in Caligula.

_02:: The Entertainment Nothing screams entertainment, well, like the Roman entertainers of yore. And games, festivals, and gladiatorial shows were just another part of Roman society carried to excessive lengths. Generally speaking, spectators and partic.i.p.ants were exposed to unnatural excitements, and somehow developed an entertaining perspective on acts of cruelty and suffering. In fact, historians estimate that over 500,000 people were regular attendees at these forms of entertainment, often staying for days at a time. To sweeten the deal, all concessions (food and drink!) were provided free of charge by a generous government. And boy could these people party! The amphitheater at t.i.tus was built to hold 80,000 seated spectators arranged by rank. And from the emperor to the lowest of the population, all seated on marble benches, covered with cushions and protected from the elements by canopies. There, gladiators and political prisoners fought with people or animals to the death. And as the audiences got bored, organizers were forced to find new sources of entertainment. For instance, Pompey let loose 600 lions in the arena with the gladiators one day, while Probus, a wealthy Roman, at one of his festivals once reserved 600 gladiators for extinction and ma.s.sacred another 200 lions, 20 leopards, and 300 bears (oh, my).

_03:: The Bath Citizens of the Roman Empire regarded s.e.xual relations and s.e.xual freedom with pa.s.sionate abandon. In fact, the indolent lifestyle of the rich focused more on pleasure than industry and the Roman baths were a focal point for daily relaxation, socializing, and idleness for both the rich and the poor. Originally designed for cleansing purposes, the baths quickly became hangouts for socializing, relaxing, and ultimately engaging in plenty of s.e.x orgies. The baths were kept open all day and night and sometimes the wealthy cla.s.ses, attended by armies of slaves, lived in them. Today, the ruins of many of the baths indicate that the inside walls were extravagantly decorated with images made less to excite cleaning activities than the pa.s.sions and senses.

Touch of Evil Romans were too posh to commit bulimia themselves, so they actually employed slaves to tickle their throats. Once their systems were clear, they could go back for round two.

_04:: The Fashion Amazingly, the Romans weren't always so fond of excess. Prior to the dawn of the empire, the Romans were a frugal people and actually dressed with great simplicity, but as the empire grew, so did the flamboyance of its citizens. Men started expecting their women, courtesans and wives, to wear extravagantly ornamented attire every day. And while pearls and rubies were treasured jewels and large amounts of money were spent to acquire them, women were also expected to don woven silk of various colors, with colorful, extravagant embroidery. Dyed hair and exotic cosmetics also came into fashion, as did gold thread, which was fashioned into hair jewelry. The Romans also got an eye for "bling" and more and more stoles were quickly fastened with diamond clips, with jewels being embroidered into clothing, and even footwear, whenever possible. However, there was a constant turnover of clothes and jewelry during banquets, where, depending on the generosity of the host, anything that wasn't bolted down was given to the guests as gifts. A pretty high price to pay for friendship, no doubt.

3 Diets to Avoid:

Religious Councils through the Ages

Religion means a lot of things to a lot of people. Some consider it to be the source of all compa.s.sion, others feel it's the opiate of the ma.s.ses, and still others view it as a good reason to rent out a village and have a big, old get-together. We're just focusing on the latter.

_01:: Council at Clermont (1095) By the 11th century, the Christian Church was split into eastern and western factions and the holy city of Jerusalem had been under control of the Muslims for a couple hundred years. Then, in 1095, Pope Urban II summoned the clergy and n.o.bles to a council in the village of Clermont in central France. Urban's PR team had leaked a rumor that Urban was going to make a special announcement at the council, and the effort worked. On the first day the crowds were so large that the papal throne had to be set up in a field so that everyone could be accommodated. After listing a number of alleged atrocities on eastern Christians by the Muslims and arguing the need to recapture Jerusalem, the pope cajoled the crowd into taking up arms against the so-called heathens. And with a flair for the dramatic, the pope stated that "G.o.d wills it." He then summoned his followers to take up the cross and head east to fight for Christianity. Of course, Urban did come up with a clever scheme for paying the warriors. For going to the Holy Land and fighting the Muslims, crusaders were offered a heck of a deal: not only would their past sins be forgiven, but present and future ones as well! With free pa.s.ses to heaven on the horizon, armies of crusaders stormed toward the Holy Land, changing the climate of the region forever.

_02:: Diet of Worms (1521) While the Diet of Worms doesn't sound particularly tasty, it was definitely historic. Having been excommunicated for his teachings, Martin Luther was invited by the German emperor to attend an imperial diet in the German village of Worms, where he could defend his teachings. And while the emperor expected Luther to recant his beliefs, German princes were actually hoping that the meeting would help loosen Rome's power over Germany. Because Martin hadn't officially been declared an outlaw just yet (as excommunicants normally were), he was allowed to travel freely to Worms and even spent two weeks preaching to large crowds along the way. There was less excitement upon his arrival, however, as Luther appeared twice before the emperor and was told both times to take back his teachings. Luther stated that he saw no reason to do so and simply said, "I am finished" (not the popularly believed "Here I stand. I cannot do other."). Clearly a little miffed, the emperor immediately declared Martin Luther an outlaw, and sentenced him to death. Like the religious fairy tale it was, though, Luther was saved from the sentence by kidnappers, who then hid him for his own safety. The Protestant Reformation was under way.

_03:: Council of Trent (15451563) Arguably one of the most important councils in the history of the Roman Catholic Church, the Council of Trent not only served as the foundation for the Counter-Reformation, it also shaped the traditions and the doctrines of the church that remain to this day. In total, the council actually met three times over the 18-year period. The first two-year session ended abruptly when the city of Trent in northern Italy was attacked, not by the Protestants, but by the dreaded bubonic plague. Then, four years later, the council reconvened and then took the next 10 years off due to a war in Germany. When the third session finally ended, the council issued decrees on Holy Orders, the Ma.s.s, the sacraments of marriage, purgatory, and the doctrinal differences between the Roman Catholic Church and the Protestant faiths. And while the decrees from this council set the direction for the Roman Catholic Church for the next 500 years and helped create the chasms dividing the Christian faiths that remain until this day, ironically, the pope had little say or power at the council. Why not? Because the majority in attendance felt the big guy was too corrupt and incapable of fixing anything!

So Hungry I Could Eat a Horse: