I sat there, the phone still in my hand as I processed what she had just said. What did she mean by that? Or had she meant anything at all? I buried my face in my hands. I seemed to be reading into everything she said, and that was not good.

"Why?" I moaned into the empty room.

Beth drove us to Laney's house in the piece of c.r.a.p car she'd bought over the summer. "Hey, it was cheap and gets me where I need to go." Had been her defense. "Okay. Well it sort of gets me where I'm going." She had grudgingly amended.

Laney Wilson was one of my best friends at CU, and had taken to Beth right away. Everyone had fallen in love with Beth when I'd introduced her. She was so charming, and fun. She had fit in just fine. Sitting in the pa.s.senger seat that had been taped together with duct tape, I thought about this. I was glad Beth got along with my friends. It made it much easier for us. However, part of me, the childish, selfish part, wanted Beth all to myself. When she had shown up at my dorm, she had looked great in a pair of loose cords, and a tucked in flannel. Her hair, which she had begun to grow out the year before, was shiny and clean, her long bangs tucked behind her ears. She had looked great. But then, Beth would look great in a potato sack.

I watched as the night pa.s.sed by the windows, the darkness tinged with a pinkish/orange hue from the snow reflecting off the street lights. It was truly a wondrous night.

Laney's house was well lit, cars everywhere they could possibly find a place to park, as well as one or two on the front lawn. I wondered if Laney knew this? Pulsing base bounced around the night, vibrating the air. The Go Gos song, "Head Over Heels" throbbed out the front door. I smiled. I had fond memories of that song from the year before. Beth and I made our way up to the house, and went inside.

Blindly, I made my way down the side aisle of the church, the tears in my eyes making it impossible to see any of the sympathetic faces that I pa.s.sed. I didn't want to see them, anyway. I had to get myself together.

Once out in the cold, October air, I leaned against the brick building, my eyes closed as I took in deep breaths, filling my lungs.

"Emily." My eyes opened and I turned my head to see Rebecca standing just outside the door. "Are you okay, babe." She said, her voice quiet as she walked over to me. I pushed away from the wall, crossing my arms over my chest to ward off the chill. I think I was also trying to push her out, make myself inaccessible to her.

"Yes. I'm fine." I said with a sigh. I really just wanted to be alone. She stepped closer, placing her hand on my arm. I could feel her eyes on me, the worry radiating off her in waves.

"What is it, Emily? Pleas don't shut me out. Talk to me."

"What would you like me to say?" I asked, turning on her, taking a step back. She sucked in a surprised breath, her eyes wide. "I just," I stopped, looking out into the parking lot, trying to think just what I was trying to say. "I think I just need to be alone right now, Rebecca. I need to think." I looked back at her with pleading eyes. She nodded, her eyes wondering, not able to meet mine.

"Okay." She said, then walked away. I could see the slump in her shoulders, the edge in her walk. She was hurt, and confused. I felt terrible. Why was I not able to let her in? Explain to her what was going through my head? I supposed because I was not sure, myself.

"Hey, you two." Laney grinned when she saw us walk into the small house. She came over to us and hugged me, patting Beth on the shoulder. "Good for you, Beth. Don't know how you got her to come, but good for you." Beth grinned down at me.

"I gave her a word." Laney's brows drew in confusion, but she just shrugged when Beth did not explain any further.

"Um, okay. Well, anyway, have fun, ladies." She winked at me, and I stared at her retreating back as she disappeared between dancing bodies.

"Alrighty then," Beth said, rubbing her hands together. "I want a drink." She began to look around, trying to find where the alcohol was being kept. "A ha!" she exclaimed, tugging me by the hand toward a distant place in the corner of the room.

"You know, it really must be nice being tall." I grumbled as I tried to avoid a nasty collision with some writhing person who was getting into the beat of the Go Gos just a bit too much.

"What are you having, Em?" I heard asked. I snapped my head around from looking at the other party-goers to see Beth holding two bottles in each hand. I scrunched up my nose. "Come on, Em. Just have one drink. For me?" she begged, the bottom lip sticking out. I had such an urge to nip that protruding lip between my teeth. Taken aback by my thoughts, I actually took a step back.

"Okay. One. I don't care. Whatever you're drinking."

Beth handed me a gla.s.s bottle, which surprised me. I looked up at her, and she shrugged. "Eh, figured you'd be able to handle a Coors and still study later." I grinned at her, and followed her through the throng of people until we ran into a few of our other friends. We all stood around talking when I noticed a woman walk into the house with another girl, neither of which I knew. The woman looked around her long, brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. She spotted our little circle of friends, and stared at me, then brown eyes moved on to Beth where they stayed. I stared at her as she stared at my best friend. I wanted to find some way to ward her off, get her to leave Beth alone, even if she was just looking. I hated the feeling of jealousy, but it permeated my body, making me angry.

"h.e.l.lo? Earth to Emily?" my head snapped around until I saw our friend Richard staring at me, his eyes expectant.

"Sorry. What?" I asked as I sipped my beer, trying to not wince. Nasty, nasty stuff.

The party dragged on, as parties tend to do. I was not a fan of them. Never had been, and certainly never saw myself as being one. As my conversation continued with Richard and his girlfriend, Ann, I turned to ask Beth a question, and noticed that she was gone. My brows drew, and I looked around.

"She want dancing, Emily." Richard said. I looked back at him, shocked. I had never seen her go. I sighed, suddenly feeling very alone.

I stood in the back of the sanctuary leaning against the wall as the minister said his last words, bringing the service to an end. My eyes grazed the crowd, seeing the backs of their heads as they all listened, some putting their coats on, or gathering their children. Ready to leave. My eyes strayed back to the front, seeing the minister with his eyes closed as he finished with a prayer, then gave the congregation instructions as to where the service would be to inter Beth. I walked out, headed toward my parent's car. I'd wait for them there.

Many beers, a few dances, and many discussions later, I began to wonder through Laney's house, looking for Beth. I was ready to go home. It was late, and I was beyond tired, my mind reeling to the test I had the next day. I peeked into the bedrooms, the kitchen, even the bathroom, but she was nowhere to be found. Curiously enough, I realized that I had not seen the brunette since, either. I knew I was being silly, but still....

I tossed my half-empty beer into the trash under the kitchen sink, and glanced out the window, and saw some people scattered throughout the backyard. Curious, I opened the back door, and stepped out onto the back porch, then froze. Out in the yard, just barely in the light from the porch light, stood the huge cottonwood. Sitting on the hard, cold ground, her back against the ma.s.sive trunk, sat Beth. The cute brunette on her lap, straddling her. They were kissing, hands everywhere. The brunette, with closed eyes, broke the kiss, arching her neck for Beth's mouth to probe. Struck, I felt nauseous. Suddenly images crashed into my mind: stepping out of the bathroom at the State Fair to see Beth and Casey ducked behind the trailer of a rig making out. Opening the big, metal door at the theater only to find Beth and the redhead at the far end of the hallway. I felt hurt and betrayed. Why? Why couldn't she see me like that? Why couldn't it be me who sat on Beth's lap, tasting her mouth, then having her mouth on my neck?

Suddenly feeling suffocated, I needed to get out of there. I wiped an impatient hand over my eye before the tears that were threatening to seep out could dare fall, and searched my pockets for my keys before remembering that Beth had driven us.

"d.a.m.nit!" I searched through the house until I found Laney. I called to her, and she turned to look at me, concern immediately filling her face.

"Emily? What is it?" she walked over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Please take me home, Laney." I said, my voice small, feeling even smaller.

"What? Why? Are you okay?" she pushed me away from the group she'd been talking to, taking us to a place a little less populated. I was grateful. I felt ridiculous enough as it was.

"Please, Laney?"

"Where's Beth? I thought-"

"Laney!" I exclaimed, not wanting to go into it, and getting extremely irritated. d.a.m.nit, why couldn't I just go home? She could read it on my face. She nodded, her face softening.

"Okay. Let me get my keys."

I sat in the pa.s.senger seat of Laney's little Honda, my coat folded in my lap, staring out the window. Laney drove in silence, and I was glad. Finally we reached my building. The car idled quietly as we sat there. Me not ready to get out quite yet, Laney not ready for me to go. I knew she wanted answers, but I wasn't so sure I had them.

"What do you want me to tell her?" she finally asked. I took a deep breath followed by a shrug.

"You know, I really don't know." I smiled ruefully over at her. "I guess just tell her that I had to go home."

My friend smiled sadly at me, but nodded. "Okay."

I gathered my belongings and myself together, and opened the car door, stepping out. She leaned across the pa.s.senger seat and looked out at me.

"You know, I don't know why you two don't just do it and get it over with." I could only stare. She smiled, and drove away. Why, indeed.

I could feel the rough bark against my hands, my fingers digging into it as I felt soft lips beneath mine, parting for me. My eyes were closed, but I knew who's lips they were. Beth, I whispered, feeling her beneath me, as I sat in her lap, my knees on either side of her. I felt hands in my hair, running down my back, down lower until they slipped underneath my sweater. I sighed, feeling the wetness of a tongue against my neck suddenly. I sighed again.

BAMBAMBAM!.

My eyes snapped open, my surrounding strange, me completely disoriented. I sat up on my elbows, trying to figure out what the h.e.l.l had just happened. I began to realize I was in my bed, in my dorm room when I heard the banging again, and realized it was my door. Someone was knocking on my door. Well, more like banging on it.

"What?" I called out, irritated as I looked over at the clock to see it was barely eight in the morning. More banging. "Jesus," I muttered as I threw back the covers, and sauntered over to the door in my sweats and tee. "It is too G.o.d d.a.m.n early-" I stopped as Beth stared back at me. I just looked at her, not sure what to say. Then my dream began to filter back in, and I remembered her mouth on mine, her hands on me, and I knew my face must have turned every color known to man. I took a step back. "Hi."

"Hi." She returned, though she did not sound like a happy camper. Then without a moment's hesitation, she strolled past me into the room.

"Come on in." I quipped, standing near the door, but pushing it shut. I turned to look at her, waiting for her to speak. She took her leather jacket off, tossing it on Candice's made bed. Good thing she had a morning cla.s.s.

"So what's the deal?" she asked, turning to me, her arms crossed over her chest, her stance very imposing.

"With what?" I asked, crossing my own arms.

"Why did you leave the party?"

"I had to get home." I answered simply.

"Yeah, that's what Laney said. But I want to hear it form you. Why did you leave." She took a step toward me. I held my ground.

"Like I said, I had to get home." I said again, though my voice a bit less believable. Even to my own ears. I sounded weak. She took another step.

"I don't believe you, Em." Beth said, her voice low, deep, almost menacing. I raised my chin in challenge.

"I don't care what you do or do not believe, Beth. You knew I had things to do. I needed to get home. I was tired. I went to find you, but-" I cut myself off, my eyes s.n.a.t.c.hed away from hers. I did not want her to know that I saw her with that girl for some reason.

"But?"

"But I couldn't find you." I lied, my voice quiet, belying everything I had just said.

"You saw me, didn't you?"

"Beth, please just go. I need some sleep. I don't have cla.s.s for another three hours,"

"Don't lie to me, Em." Beth grabbed her jacket off of Candice's bed, and headed toward the door. I stared at the ground when I saw her stop in front of me. I could feel her breath against my bangs, tickling my forehead. Somehow I garnered the courage to look up at her. She stood not half a foot away, staring into my eyes, looking at my face, down to my mouth, then back up to my eyes. She was guarding her expression, and I could not read her at all. I hated when she did that. I looked deep into those baby blues, trying to see past the wall she had put up, trying to read what she was thinking. Was she angry with me? I didn't think so. There was another emotion that fell from her in waves, but I didn't dare give voice to what I thought it was, because I felt it, too. "Get some sleep." She finally said, her voice low and husky, then turned away, and stepped out into the hall, closing the door softly behind her. I stared at the door, trying to figure out what had just happened. She had come to get answers from me, but instead left so many of her own questions. I covered my face with my hands, and leaned back against the wall behind me, sliding down until I sat upon the carpet. Oh, Beth.

I tried to concentrate on school, as the holidays were quickly approaching, which meant finals soon. Thanksgiving was behind us, and now it was a race to make it through the end of the semester, and get to Christmas. I had stayed clear of many of my friends, as was my custom around that time of year. They all knew me well enough to know to leave me well enough alone. But there was really one person in particular that I was trying to stay away from. I did not want to get myself feeling things that I should not be feeling. Again. I had a nasty suspicion that it was too late, but if the old adage: out of sight, out of mind, ever worked, I wanted to find out. It didn't. My mind strayed to Beth constantly, and I really didn't know what to do about it. She had called my dorm a few times, and Laney had told me that she constantly asked for and about me. I could not do it. I only had a year and a half of school to go before going on to law school. I needed no interruptions.

I did, however, hear that Beth had turned into quite the heartbreaker. She dated this one, and that one, then not a week or two later, was on to the next. Why? Just what exactly was she trying to prove? To whom? I just reasoned it was not my problem to worry about anymore. Not that it had ever been.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I first saw the face, then heard the voice of Laney as I removed the book from the shelf in the library. She stood on the other side of the stack, and grinned at me in the gap between books. I glared at her.

"That was hardly funny, Laney."

"I thought it was." She chuckled, then disappeared, only to stroll around to my isle. "Okay, woman. Here's the deal. Richard is having a small, intimate get together at his place for Christmas. I figure we can all exchange gifts, that sort of thing." I just stared at her, already not interested. I began to shake my head when she held up a hand. "Ah. Wait, before you say no. It's on Friday, the week before finals start, so don't even try that one." I rolled my eyes, not wanting to get boxed into anything. I just wanted to study in relative peace.

"Laney, I have to study.." I whined.

"So study Sat.u.r.day." I sighed. I knew I should go. I hadn't spent any time with the gang in over a month. Finally with a resigned nod, I agreed. Laney smiled with glee, and clapped her hands together. "Yay!"

I threw on my coat, and grabbed my keys, ready to go to Richard's. I did not want go, but had promised. The week before we had all drawn names for who we were supposed to buy for. I had drawn our Richard's girlfriend, Ann. I knew she was into Def Leppard, so got her the newest ca.s.sette they had released. Keys, and package in hands, I walked out to my Jeep. The weather was cold, December well in hand, and a bad storm the previous weekend. The holiday spirit was everywhere, decorations all over campus and the town. I had to smile as I saw a Santa Clause talking to a little girl on the street corner, his big bulk having to kneel down to be at her eye level. She grinned up at the big, jolly one. An old holiday tune sung by Elvis blared out of my speakers, and I could not help but sing along, beating my palm against the cold steering wheel. I truly loved the holiday season, and could not wait to get home, and my mom and I could do our annual Christmas shopping in Denver. I just wanted the semester to be over with.

I pulled up to Richard's apartment building, and locked the Jeep up, jogged up the two flights of stairs. I knocked on the door once, when it was thrown open and I stared up at Richard. He grinned.

"Merry Christmas." He said, pulling me in, hugging me.

"Um, Merry Christmas to you, too." I said, surprised by his near giddiness. I walked over to the four foot tree that stood upon a table in the corner of the room, and placed my gift under it with the others.

"Give me your coat, Emily." I turned to see Ann standing behind me with anther coat tossed over her arm. I struggled out of mine, and handed it to her. She disappeared down the hall. I turned to see who all was there. Richard, of course, Laney and her boyfriend, our friends Tanya and Lauren. Sitting in the recliner by the window was Beth. I just stared, not expecting to see her. Laney had not mentioned her, though why would she?

A light drizzling snow was beginning to fall. The type where you could look up, stick your tongue out, and catch tiny flakes of watery snow. I walked around the graves, trying to not step on them. That had been something Beth had gotten on my case for once.

"You can't step on 'em, Em! That's just rude."

Just up ahead I could see the green tarp covering that had been set up over the graveside. A few chairs had been set up for the immediate family, which was not much. Rebecca walked next to me, but said nothing, nor did she try and touch me. I knew I had some apologizing and explaining to do, but later. Not now. My parents and Billy brought up the tail end of our little parade.

We stood under the tarp, but did not sit. Nora Sayers sat front and center, flanked by Jim and his wife to her left, and a blonde woman I didn't know on her right. Monica and Connie walked up next to me, Monica squeezing my fingers. With a deep sigh, I looked to the center of attention. The casket was beautiful; white with silver handles and decoration. Flowers of different colors and types were placed atop it. I wondered where they had found such beautiful flowers this time of year. Must have cost a lot. The minister walked up to the other side of the casket, facing us, and opened his large book. He reached up, straightened his gla.s.ses, then began to speak.

It never ceased to amaze me how Beth could just pop in and out of my life at the strangest, and most inopportune times. She looked up from her chair, and smiled at me.

"Merry Christmas, Em." She said. I nodded.

"Merry Christmas." I walked over to the kitchen where Richard and Ann were piling snacks on trays: crackers with cheese logs, cookies with brightly colored icing making silly Santa faces or snowmen. "Can I help?" I asked, leaning against the breakfast bar. Richard looked over his shoulder at me.

"Yeah. Get drinks ready." He said, nodding toward the fridge with his head. I walked over to it, taking out cans of different kinds of canned soda, grabbing as many as I could with my hands and arms, holding them all against my chest, and setting them on the counter.

"Want some help?" I looked up to see Beth standing next to me, her hand on her hip. I took in her festive sweater and black cords. She wore a Broncos baseball cap. I chuckled.

"Do you have any idea how much you clash?" I grinned, taking in the red and green sweater, then the blue and orange of the hat. She looked down at herself, and smiled.

"Hey, a true die-hard fan does not care. They're in the play-offs. Got to support my boys. Elway's first Suprebowl, you know."

"They're not there, yet, Beth." I pointed out, handing her a stack of cups to fill with ice.

"They will be. Mark my words."

"Uh huh." I said, purposefully trying to tick her off with my lack of interest. A point of contention between us for years.

Many Christmas cookies, and spiked egg nogs later, we all sat on the floor in the living room, ready to play a game of Conscience.

"Okay. The way the game is played is this," explained Richard, holding up an empty tequila bottle. "Couple spin the bottle with truth or dare. You spin the bottle, making you the conscience of the person who it points to. You ask them any question you want. They have a choice of either answering it, honestly," he looked around the circle, eyeing us all with that word, "or taking a drink."

I heard nothing the minister said as I stared at the stone near the casket: Elizabeth Sayers October 23, 1967

October 12, 2001

She lived as she loved.

My mind focused only on those few lines. My brain refusing to make them real, make them even remotely permanent. I watched Nora as she sat there, the blanket the funeral home had provided spread across her legs. Her hand raised up to her nose every few minutes, the white Kleenex she clutched becoming more and more saturated, small black marks as her mascara was cried off. Jim sat dry-eyed. He almost looked as if he either felt nothing, or perhaps was just numb. Like me.

As I stood there, I felt so strange, as if I weren't even really there. As if I were just a doll, waiting to go home. Waiting for my owner to come and pick me up. It was very surreal. My eyes were heavy, my lungs heavier from the cold air. Then, to my surprise, I realized that the cold was coming from inside of me. Something had died in me that day. Something I couldn't quite define, but wondered if I would ever get back. Or, ever figure out what it was.

I felt the smooth gla.s.s of the bottle in my fingers. It was my turn to spin the bottle, already having embarra.s.sed the h.e.l.l out of myself when answering Laney's question to tell her about the time I'd lost my virginity. Not pleasant conversation, I a.s.sure you. So, I placed the bottle on the piece of cardboard we had put on the floor to make spinning easier, and let it go. It spun round and round, and I couldn't take my eyes off of it as I wondered where it would land, already formulating questions in my head that would pertain to anyone present. Then, with one final shaky spin, it stopped. I looked up, following the path of the mouth of the bottle, meeting blue eyes. Oh, boy. I stared at Beth for a moment, trying to decide what I wanted to ask her. The entire night she had hung around me, hanging on my every word, confusing me all the more. She had been touchy, quite unusual for her. Even Laney had asked me about it. I had no answer for her. So I sat there, tapping my chin with my finger, studying my best friend with hooded, thoughtful eyes.