She spoke the truth. He felt less than whole away from God. He wasn't sure what he could do. There were feelings in his belly learned in war that had nothing to do with God. Once he was sure of his cosmos; now he knew more about men than gods, but that was a long way from miracles. "Will fhain do as 1 say in this?"

"Whatever, husband."

He searched her face. "It may be that we must leave him. Would truly go if thee must?"

Dorelei's gray eyes did not waver from his. "Aye.

Have paid too much to get this far."

"Tell Maigon a must do everything I say. And the rest as well."

Padrec turned toward Cru with no clear idea of what to do, only what he felt in his belly. Cru mentioned Judas, the name Dorelei put to him on the day of his shame.

Helpless and lost in a tallfolk world, Cru let that name burn into him, become part of him.

Sweet Jesu, tell me how to help him.

Not the image of Jesu came then, but Meganius, who would help a beaten priest to God only when and if he

390 tried to reach himself. He refused then out of anger and hurt. He and Malgon knew where lost was; they'd been there. It was a long road back. He stood over Cru now and saw himself.

"Cru?"

The bleary, defeated eyes slid up to him. "Pray for me, Padrec."

me

"The hell I wiil." Padrec scooped up one crutch and broke it over his knee. "You did this for me once." He kicked the other crutch toward Malgon. "Break it."

Only a moment of hesitation, then Malgon splintered the second crutch. Padrec knelt by the stricken Cru, speak- ing softly.

"Mark me, you self-pitying little bastard. Like Moses to Pharaoh, you'll hear it only once before grief lights on thee. Salmon must be strong, must move or die, as Cruaddan said to me once. He was right, but then, Cru was a man then. Thee speaks of Judas? I failed my God as much as he. I looked at Drust hanging on the cross, and he believed more dying than I did alive. And Dorelei failed-we failed in so much, Cru, but we have done mira- cles just by staying alive and believing in each other. Be not easy, not cheap. Gern-y-fhain and 1 have more be- trayal and death on our hands than thee could walk thy crutches over in a year."

Cru was weeping now. He stretched a hand to Padrec, who only struck it away. "Not yet; thee's nae my brother yet. Earn it. In mv own pride I spoke of sin before I even Knew the sight and smell of it. Do know it now. Sin is not forever, Cru. Good Christ, it can't be. If't were, why would we have a word like 'forgive'?"

"Be dead, Padrec. Dost hear me? Dead."

"You want forgiveness? All right. For whatever Grace is left in my hands under the bfood, 1 forgive you. Te absolve . . . and 1 ask your forgiveness for the pain I caused you. The next words are 'go and sin no more.' But for that, you've got to try."

Padrec rose, stretching his hands out to the broken 'Be a fine wife, and thee can walk to her. A fine son,

man.

and thee can reach him- Will try, Cru? Or will lie there and let a better man take both from thee?"

Cru lowered under the pallor of his sickness. "Thee's cruel."

391.

"That's a shame. But I took her from you once-"

"Tallfolk!"

"Wherefore?" Padrec slammed it back at him. "I rode with the fhains under Ambrose. I was with Dorelei every moment when she bore Crulegh into the world. I saw him come, still corded to her with the birthstring. And I have loved her better than thee ever could, scant man. Woman and wealth be mine. Have earned them."

Cru choked out something that deepened into a pri- mal howl and propelled him awkwardly onto his knees.

"Dorelei!"

Her only response was to gather up Crulegh and turn to her pony. "We go."

"Nae. wife. Wait."

"NO!" she screamed. "Be weak, Cru. Have paid too much. Do carry much. Cannot carry thee, too. Padrec will be father to Crulegh."

Cru's howl broke in a sob, but Padrec kept at him.

Tha>.i leaves thee."

"Thee will not." Impossibly, Cru put one twisted ankle under him and wobbled up to stand half erect before them before collapsing again. Weeping, he tried to pull himself along on his etbows toward Doretei. "Not my son.

Not my wealth."

"Get up, Cru."

"Not my .. ."

"Get up."

Hopeless it was. Cru only snarled through his tears.

"Thee lift me up, Jesu-man. Jesu cured the halt. 'Take up thy bed and walk.' was't?"

"That was a man who wanted to live, Cru. Could do nothing with thee who only want to die."

Agonized, Cru watched Dorelei fork Crulegh over the saddle and vault up behind him.

Now, Padrec prayed, now if it's in him at all Am I telling him to do his own miracle, or asking it of God? And then Padrec had part of his answer, bursting out, "Cru, help Him to help thee!"

Cru tried. He struggled, desperate. Once more, gasp- ing with the effort, he heaved up on the long-flaccid legs, got almost erect before they went out from under him.

Defeat was too long a habit. He only covered his face.

392.

"Leave him, Gern-y-fhain." Padrec waved her on.

"Death is whal a wants. Go."

Dorelei moved on without looking back. fhain after her. Only Padrec's horse was left, Padrec himself, and Cru weeping on his knees. Fhain was out of earshot now and Padrec despairing as much as Cru. So much for miracles.

Padrec scanned the open sky.

"Ravens came for me once, Cru. Was nae dead yet, and a came. Ravens .can wait. Can smelt death coming.

Here." Padrec dropped his knife beside Cru. "Should make an end before that."

Cru closed a grimy fist on the hilt. "Do hate thee,