Moon thought about that. Remembering that facet of his childhood. His hopelessness. The certainty of d.a.m.nation. The sense of loss. He grimaced. "Terrible at first. Now nothing much," he said. "I don't feel anything."

"But you did once, you say. I think that's usual. You've gotten used to it. People do."

A wise man, Moon thought. Or is it just experience-what you learn from sitting on the other side of the grill for a hundred thousand weeks, listening to someone else's sorrows? "Sure," Moon said. "I guess that's it."

"Now tell me about that big sin you mentioned. It has to be something besides s.e.x. Jesus didn't say much against that. He was teaching us to love one another. How long since you've read the Gospels?"

How long? He didn't remember. "It's been a while," Moon said.

"Is anyone out there waiting now? Take a look for me."

Moon pushed his door open. Through the side doorway he could see the falling rain, a gush of water splashing off the entrance steps from a drain spout, traffic lights reflecting off wet pavement, time rushing past. Tomorrow he would have to deal with that. But not tonight. Not now. Inside the church, the three kneeling by the side altar had become a solitary man. Two women sat in the back row of pews, whispering. Across the church, a man leaned against the wall staring toward the main altar. If he wore a blue turtleneck, it was hidden under the yellow plastic of a raincoat.

"n.o.body's waiting."

"Then why not help me pa.s.s the time? You can just satisfy my curiosity. A simple act of kindness." Moon heard the sound of the priest shifting in his chair. "Or why not make your confession?"

Why not? "I guess for the same reason I stopped in the first place."

"A sin you don't want to stop?"

"Yeah," Moon said. "Or can't."

Silence. Moon realized he was hungry. What time was it anyway? Would the hotel coffee shop be open? Why was he carrying on this dialogue with this odd man? He considered that. Because he was enjoying it, of course. And that surprised him. But then, it had been a long, long time since he'd had this sort of conversation with anyone.

"Why don't you marry her?" the priest asked. And chuckled. And said, "Allow me to quote Saint Paul: 'If they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. It is better to marry than to be on fire.' You remember that one?"

"Sort of," Moon said. "But she won't do it. She says later, maybe, but not yet."

"But she will copulate with you?"

"Sometimes."

"For the pleasure of it," the priest said, thoughtfully.

It wasn't a question but Moon said, "Yes." And then he said, "No. Maybe not. I think she enjoys it but the way it is, she lives in my house. She is supposed to pay rent, but it usually doesn't get paid. I pay the bills, buy the food, take care of her car-"

"Yes," the priest said. "I see."

But Moon knew he didn't see. Not really. And suddenly Moon wanted this man to understand. Maybe to understand himself.

"She's a lot younger. Just turned twenty-two. And very, very pretty. High school cheerleader. Do you have those in Manila?"

"Not exactly, but I know what you mean."

"Not much education, and a sorry family situation. Her dad drank and beat her mother, and then he beat her. The family split up, and then her mother was-well, she got a reputation for being promiscuous. Anyway, Debbie moved out when she got out of high school."

Moon stopped there. How much of this was he going to talk about? And how could he describe it? Any way he told it, it would seem he was trying to justify using her. In a way he was. In a way they were using each other. How could he describe this relationship? Suddenly the oddity of all this struck him and he laughed.

"Yes?" the priest said.

"I am thinking," Moon said, "that you may need that hour to hear all this. It's about how a guy who has been a sort of total loser sees a woman who is just about as s.e.xy-looking as women can get, and before he knows what's happening he's caught up in the kind of weirdness that would make a chapter in a psychiatry book. Is it love, is it pity, or is it a way to make amends for ruining another woman's life? Or is it just predatory testosterone at work?"

"Pity?" the priest said. "If it's based on pity, it's not going to be much of a sin."

"Why do we talk about stuff like this to a priest?" Moon asked. "If you're a good priest you haven't had much experience."

"Well, now. How about before the priest took his vows? Or how about slipping and repenting and being forgiven? All that's possible. Anyway, we hear a lot. You'd be surprised what we hear sitting here in the darkness. And we get to know the ending of these stories. Usually you only know the beginning. And we have enough testosterone to understand the urges."

So Moon talked about Debbie, how her beauty and her awareness of her beauty were part of the problem. It was all Debbie thought she had to offer, Moon said. Which was sad. He'd first seen her at Granddad's Tavern in Durance, dancing with a ski b.u.m, wearing cutoff jeans and a T-shirt, object of desire of every male in the place. Including Moon Mathias. But she was too young for him; she attracted the predators and, clearly, was attracted by them. It hadn't occurred to him she'd give him a thought. He'd been wrong. He'd noticed her three times in the bar; then she appeared at the newspaper office. She'd asked for him by name. She handed him the sort of news release from the utility company where she worked that normally would have been mailed. She flirted. He'd asked her out to dinner and taken her home to bed, and within the month she had said she was looking for a room to rent. He'd rented her one.

"I can't see you in the dark," the priest said. "Are you a tall, handsome fellow?"

"n.o.body has ever suggested that," Moon said. "I'm big, built like a barrel, broken nose, and I guess you'd say I look harmless."

"I don't think women are as interested in how men look as the other way around," the priest said. "What do you think attracted her?"

Moon had never answered that question before, not even to himself. He said, "I think she was afraid. I think sort of subconsciously she figured I wouldn't hurt her."

"Have you?"

"No," Moon said. "I haven't and I won't."

"But the predators would?"

"They will."

"You don't think of yourself as one of the predators?"

Moon felt his face flushing. Why the devil should he defend himself to this man? But he wanted to.

"I should explain the arrangement better," Moon said. "She has her bedroom, I have mine."

"You said that," the priest said, "but-"

"Let me finish," Moon said. "I stay out of her room. She doesn't always stay out of mine."

"The sleeping together then is when she wants to?"

"Or when she sees I want to."

Silence. The priest coughed. "Is anybody waiting?"

Moon checked. "n.o.body."

"How about other men? The predators."

"She's free as a bird," Moon said. "She goes out with other men. Probably she's out with one tonight." Even as he said it, Moon found it hard to think of J.D., the publisher's happy-go-lucky son, as a predator. Unless gerbils are predators.

"You said she wouldn't marry you yet. Does she say she'll marry you someday?"

"She doesn't say it, but I think so," Moon said. "Or one of them will take her away, and dump her, and she'll end up like her mother."

"Why do you think that?"

How could he explain it to this man whose only view of life was through a wooden grillwork into the darkness of other men's souls?

"Because she doesn't have any respect for herself. No confidence. A couple of these guys dump her and-" He let the sentence hang.

"Go on," the priest said.

"That's all," Moon said. "I'm finished."

"But you've left me with the question unanswered. What was the big sin you mentioned? And how did you ruin the woman's life?"

"I killed a man," Moon said.

Into the silence that this produced he added, "He was-" But he left the sentence unfinished. What more was there to say?

"The Fifth Commandment," the priest said.

"The fifth. Thou Shalt Not Kill is not even number two. But serious, of course. How serious depends on the motivation. Was it ambition, l.u.s.t, revenge, envy, a moment of fury, hatred?-"

"He was my best friend," Moon said. "I guess, outside my family, he was the only person I could ever say I loved. I could trust him. Absolutely trust him."

"So what was the motivation?"

"I was drunk," Moon said.

SAIGON, South Vietnam, April 17 (UPI)-A Saigon military spokesman announced today that "radio contact" with the fishing town of Phan Thiet has been lost following an a.s.sault by North Vietnamese infantrymen. "Loss of contact" is the term normally used by the South Vietnamese military when a position has been captured.

TO REACH THE DINING ROOM of the Hotel Maynila one took an escalator from the lobby, descended past a waterfall flowing over a granite pseudo-cliff, and surrendered oneself to an ornately uniformed fellow to be taken to a seat. Moon was a.s.signed to a table adjoining the swinging doors from the kitchen. He explained he needed a quieter place for a business conversation. He suggested one of a row of empty tables by the gla.s.s wall with a view out into the garden. The uniformed fellow looked skeptical but bowed and made the new a.s.signment.

Moon sat, elbows on the tablecloth, looking into a steady tropical rain and into a jungle of tropical flowers, none of which he could identify. The incident with the maitre d' had confirmed a previous Moon conclusion. He must either get this jacket and these slacks to the cleaner and his socks, shirts, and underwear to a laundry, or say to h.e.l.l with it, face reality, and fly home where it didn't matter how he looked. The opulence that surrounded him here reinforced another decision. He had to check out of this five-star hotel, whether or not he went home. He couldn't afford it. If he was going to play out this Don Quixote role to the end, he'd find Ricky's apartment and move into it until someone told him where to locate the baby. Or until he got sensible and gave up, a conclusion to this affair that had come to seem tremendously appealing.

Victoria Mathias had taught her sons that being late for an appointment was inexcusably rude, an arrogant declaration that you were more important than the one you were meeting. Moon, therefore, tended to be early and thus had become skilled at waiting. He studied the menu, but saw nothing to modify his decision to order bacon and scrambled eggs. Then he unfolded the Philippine Daily Journal Philippine Daily Journal he'd picked up in the lobby. he'd picked up in the lobby.

The banner story concerned construction of the Imelda Marcos Children's Hospital. A headline down the page declared that Pol Pot's new government in Phnom Penh was establishing a "national program of reeducation" to restore Khmer values to Cambodia. Moon read every word of that. It involved Khmer Rouge troops driving hordes of civilians out of cities and towns into work camps being set up in the countryside. It sounded like a hodgepodge of rumors, mostly incredible. He turned to a follow-up story on President Ford's request that Congress appropriate more money for weapons for South Vietnam. The writer saw no sign that Ford was twisting arms to get the funds, nor any indication that Congress would agree. From that Moon turned to refugees flee highlands. A photograph of ARVN troops crowding aboard a C-13o, knocking down civilians, accompanied the story. Moon imagined himself caught in such chaos, baby under his arm. Here he was, wasting time. And if Ricky's child was still in Cambodia, how much time did he have? He put down the Journal Journal and glanced at his watch. In fifty-eight seconds, Mrs. Osa van Winjgaarden would be late, as people usually were. and glanced at his watch. In fifty-eight seconds, Mrs. Osa van Winjgaarden would be late, as people usually were.

But when Moon looked up, a woman was walking toward his table.

She was tall, slim, dark, a narrow face, a straight, narrow nose, high cheekbones, and large black eyes, which, when he noticed her, were studying him anxiously. This was not the plump blue-eyed blond Dutch matron the name had led Moon to expect, but she was walking directly toward him. He pushed back his chair and rose.

"Mr. Mathias," she said. "I hope you haven't been waiting long?"

"Not at all," Moon said. "In fact, you're early. I've just been reading the paper and waiting for some coffee." He shook the hand she offered, pulled back her chair, and signaled the waiter.

"I hope you found some good news," she said. "We could use some good news." She smiled at him, a rueful smile. "Certainly you you could." could."

Moon looked surprised.

"I mean your brother's death. And now your mother being so ill. Mr. Castenada told me of your troubles. I hope she is getting better."

"Oh," Moon said. "Thank you. It's her heart. They're doing some tests. Maybe they've already done them. To tell whether to do bypa.s.s surgery. Last time I called I couldn't reach anyone who seemed to know anything."

"The time difference," she said. "You can never reach anyone on the other side of the Pacific. But I want to express my sympathy. Ricky was a wonderful man. And his wife. Eleth was sweet."

Eleth? Eleth Vinh? Wife? "I really didn't know her," Moon said. "We hadn't met." He signaled for the waiter again, waited while the coffee was poured, offered this dark woman the cream and sugar, and, when she declined, applied it to his own cup. "I really didn't know her," Moon said. "We hadn't met." He signaled for the waiter again, waited while the coffee was poured, offered this dark woman the cream and sugar, and, when she declined, applied it to his own cup.

"You saw the paper this morning," she said. "Pol Pot's mad children are in Phnom Penh. How does that affect your plans?"

Plans? Moon stirred, sipped. "Actually, it doesn't," he said. "I haven't any plans. Only to talk to you and find out what you would tell me. And then I will see if I can find some of Ricky's friends and see what they know. And if the child is somewhere here in Manila, I will get her and take her home to her grandmother."

Mrs. van Winjgaarden was looking surprised. "No plans," she said. Her lips parted slightly as if to speak again. Then closed.

"By the way," Moon said. "I don't know how to p.r.o.nounce your name. Is it Dutch?"

"Dutch, yes," she said. "One would say 'wanwingarten.' But it is hard to say. I think it would be better if you call me Osa."

"Osa," Moon said.

She smiled. "Your name is Malcolm, I know. But Ricky always called you Moon. Would it be impertinent to ask?..."

"It's my nickname," Moon said. "When I was little they used to have these little things they sold in a cellophane sack. Moon Pies was the name. A round cookie on the bottom, then a layer of marshmallow covered with chocolate. Two of them for a nickel. I always spent all my money on 'em. So they started calling me Moon Pie Mathias. It got shortened to Moon."

Mrs. van Winjgaarden smiled politely, willing to change the subject. "Mr. Castenada told me that Ricky's daughter never reached here. You think not so?"

"That's what he said," Moon agreed. "But I hope he's badly informed. Maybe something went wrong with whoever was bringing her. Maybe somebody else completed the trip. Maybe they delivered her to one of Ricky's friends here. Mr. Castenada didn't have any recent news." Even as he was saying it the theory sounded inane. If the child had reached Manila, Castenada's man checking the flights would have known. If she had been brought in some other way, surely Castenada would know.

Mrs. van Winjgaarden's expression suggested she thought so too.

"Perhaps," she said. "But I think they would have got in touch with Mr. Castenada. You think not true?"

The waiter spared Moon the need to respond.

Mrs. van Winjgaarden ordered toast and melon, Moon his bacon and eggs. He was trying to match this self-a.s.sured woman with the small shy voice he'd heard yesterday on the telephone. The difference of a night's sleep, he thought. Yesterday's trip must have been exhausting-getting to Manila from Timor.

"You're from Timor, I think," Moon said. "I'm not sure I know where-"

She was smiling at this. "No one ever does."

Moon realized the smile was wry; the amus.e.m.e.nt was at herself, at the obscurity of her homeland. Not at his ignorance. He found himself thinking he would like this woman.