"Always," he answers. "Text me so I know you're okay?"

I wrap my arms around his neck and look him in the eyes as I let the gravity of what's about to happen sink in. He leans his forehead to mine, closes his eyes, and wraps his arms around my waist. I could stay here with him, like this, and never want anything else, but I have something to do.

"I'll call you," I say, kissing him before releasing my grip, and as I walk to the door I turn to see him watching me leave.

"What am I doing here?"

I've been sitting in the car, parked across the street from the house I think belongs to Andie for twenty minutes, but I have not been able to get myself to make the next step: getting out.

"She's going to think I'm crazy," I say out loud again. "I am crazy: I'm sitting in a car. Alone. Talking to myself."

Get out of the car.

I will my body to cooperate with my mind, but it doesn't appear to care. The guys said I don't have to do anything, and I know that, but I don't think I've ever been afraid of anything as much as I am right now.

Maybe I'll take a walk.

In front of her house.

That seems completely normal.

The mental pep talk I gave myself on the way over doesn't seem to be working, so maybe good, old-fashioned self-deception will. When I open the car door to step out, I feel as if I'm running on autopilot without control of my body. The door slams shut behind me and I straighten my clothes in an effort to look presentable before checking my appearance in the side view mirror.

The car makes the familiar sound to indicate that it's locked as I cross the street, but a car whizzing past stops me.

Maybe it's a sign that I should turn around.

The thought comes to mind, but then I recall the words of Madame Rae: "...things are not always what they seem, so keep an open mind..."

You got this.

There are no cars coming, so I walk the three car lanes safely avoiding any mishap, but walk in the opposite direction of the house I want to visit. I think I need a few more minutes to prepare-or at least that's what I'm trying to convince myself.

Turn around. What's the worst thing that can happen-she rejects you? Been there, done that.

I close my eyes and take a cleansing breath as I force myself to turn around and face my fear. The last address I have for her is four houses away and the journey to get there is painfully slow. There are two women jogging toward me as they push strollers with sleeping babies in them, and for some reason I want to laugh. Maybe it's nerves.

As I get closer, the b.u.t.terflies in my stomach work overtime and I'm not sure if I'm going to make it, but I push through until I'm standing in front of the house I stared at yesterday. It's small and the yard leaves little room for a pet since a blossoming garden takes over the entire site. Beautiful roses and exotic flowers grow wild and there looks to be a vegetable garden, too.

I look up at the house and prepare myself to walk the short distance to the door, but I lose my nerve when I see the children's toys strewn across the small front porch. My body refuses to take the steps that lead me there and before I know it, I've turned around to make a hasty retreat for Cole's car.

"Are you Charlize?" a voice calls from behind me and I freeze in place.

Don't turn around, I tell myself over again, but my body doesn't cooperate at all.

"I'm sorry," I say as I turn around and I'm faced with a beautiful woman with dark brown hair, much darker than my own.

"Charlize?" she repeats with a smile.

I swallow hard and shake my head since the words don't seem to want to come out of my mouth.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were the person I was interviewing for the nanny position," she says as her cheeks flush. "She's supposed to be here in an hour, but when I saw you standing on the sidewalk, I thought you were her and you were early."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I was just out for a walk," I lie, unable to take my eyes off her.

"Do I know you?" She c.o.c.ks her head to the side and examines my face as she offers a friendly smile.

"I don't think we've ever met," I answer genuinely because I have never met her. "My name is L-uka, my name is Luka."

If I say "Laila," she may figure it out and I'll scare her. Thank G.o.d my parents gave my sister an "L" name.

"That's a great name," she grins and stares at me more intently.

"Mommy," a little girl yells and runs out of the house into her arms. "Evan hit me."

"I'm sorry," she says to me before looking at her daughter. She has wispy blond hair that's pulled into a small barrette, and electric blue eyes that catch my attention. "Ava, you two need to be nice. Go tell your brother to come here."

"Terrible twos my a.s.s," she laughs. "Terrible threes and fours is more like it. I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself, I'm Andie-I'm sorry, but are you sure we've never met?"

"I'm positive, I'm not from here, I'm from-Arizona-visiting a friend." It's amazing how easily the lies are coming to me.

"Maybe you have a familiar face. I'm a hotel manager downtown and I see lots of faces." She shrugs, maintaining her smile.

"That's probably it," I answer.

She extends her hand to me and I take with an easy smile.

Hi, Mom.

"Nice to meet you," I say in return. "So you have two kids?"

Her face looks sad for a fleeting moment and she nods. "Yeah, twins just turned four."

"It only gets crazier," I offer. "My sister is five and she's a handful."

"Don't tell me that, I'm so scared of anything over ten," she says when the little boy comes running out to her begging to be held.

"Mommy, who's dat?" he asks, pointing to me.

"That's Luka," she says. "Can you say h.e.l.lo?"

"Hi," the two say in unison.

"Hi," I say back.

I'm your big sister.

Observing my birth mom with her new family, one that she was actually able to care for, causes a mix of emotions in me. On the one hand, I'm thankful for the parents I have-they are amazing. But at the same time, why wasn't I worth keeping? Was it easy for her to start this new life?

"I should get going and call my mom. If I don't call every few hours, she starts to get worried."

"I hope these two grow up to be as considerate as you," she remarks as she sets Ava on the ground and looks at me appreciatively.

Something takes over and before I know it, I'm kneeling on the ground in front of Ava and Evan with a smile on my face. They each have an arm wrapped around their mom's leg and watch me warily. I look up at Andie and wink as if we are in on our own secret.

"Hey guys, see this lady here? She works really hard to be a good mom to you both, so take it easy on her, okay? Because you're pretty lucky to have her. Don't you think?"

The twins smile as if I've given them the keys to some secret that no one else knows and nod in agreement.

"Good."

I stand up and when my eyes meet Andie's, for a split second I think she knows who I am, but then the flicker of recognition is gone. The time has come and I need to go, so I extend my hand and she takes it. It's soft with a few calluses, and shows the wear of hard work.

"It was nice to meet you, Andie."

Goodbye, Mom.

"You, too, Luka."

I smile one last time and wave to the twins but hurry away because I'm about to lose it in big, embarra.s.sing tears in front of the woman who gave me life and has no idea who I am. For whatever reason, I can't open the door fast enough and I climb into the SUV, burying my face in my hands as my sobs consume me.

The opportunity to let her know who I am, the person I've grown into, where I'm going in life, has pa.s.sed me by. Yet I don't feel like I missed out. I've just said goodbye to a woman I've never known and as painful as it is, I know it was the right thing.

Chapter 34 ~ Finding Home.

"Call me later, after you've talked to your mom and dad," Haden says after he kisses my forehead.

"Yeah," I answer and take my duffle bag from his hand. "I love you."

"Love you back," he answers and stands at the end of the driveway while I walk to the door. I turn around to face him and watch him climb into his car and drive off.

"You're back early," Mom says and jumps off the couch to hug me. "Come tell me all about it. Did you see her?"

She looks scared by my answer and sits down to wait for me to join her. I've avoided sharing any details about meeting Andie because I wanted to talk to my parents in person.

"Is Luka sleeping?" I ask. It's only six, but they make her go to bed early.

"Yeah, but she'll be excited to see you in the morning," she says through teary eyes. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you, too."

"Where's Dad?"

"He was in the back, I'll go get him." She stands up and heads through the kitchen and leaves me sitting alone in our living room.

"Mommy?" Luka calls out from the stairs.

"Hey kiddo," I call out, "what are you doing out of bed?"

"Lala!" she yells and bolts down the stairs and into my lap.

"You didn't miss me, did you?" I ask and kiss her cheek.

She nods and sits with her legs across my lap. "Did you see your friend?" she asks innocently and a tingle runs down my spine.

"What are you talking about?"

"Mommy said you went to California to see your friend."

"I sure did," I agree.

Mom and Dad walk into the room but stop at the threshold and watch the two of us.

"Was she pretty?"

"She was." I smile and tell her about her long brown hair and pretty brown eyes.

"Was she nice?"

I look up at Mom and see Dad with his arms wrapped around her. Luka is messing with her fingers and not paying attention to the adults in the room, but I am. I make eye contact with my mom and smile.

"She was very nice."

"What's her name?"

"Her name is Andie."

Luka starts laughing as though I've told the funniest joke ever and I can't help but laugh as well.

"What's so funny?"

"Andie is a boy's name," she informs me.

"Sometimes. But this Andie is a girl."

Mom and Dad take a seat on the other couch but lean forward to get more information. I start from the beginning about trying to find the house and meeting her on the street.

"When are you going to see her again?" she asks. "Can I meet her next time?"