This latter sentiment, it will be observed, is a very common one among the unusually wise ones of the earth, and is conveniently safe, inasmuch as it is more or less true of every person, place, and thing in this sad world of loose screws.

CHAPTER TWENTY.

A LITTLE MORE HATCHING.

One night Edward Hooper, having consulted his watch frequently, and compared it with the clock of slow notoriety in the warehouse in Tooley Street, until his patience was almost gone, at last received the warning hiss, and had his books shut and put away before the minute-gun began to boom. He was out at the door and half-way up the lane, with his hat a good deal on one side of his head and very much over one eye, before the last shot was fired.

"It's a jolly time of day this--the jolliest hour of the twenty-four,"

muttered Ned to himself, with a smile.

His speech was thick, and his smile was rather idiotic, by reason of his having drunk more than his usual allowance at dinner that day.

By way of mending matters, Ned resolved to renew his potations immediately, and announced his intentions to himself in the following words:

"Com--mi--boy--y-you'll go--ave an--urrer por-o-porer--thash yer sort!"

At a certain point in the drunkard's downward career he ceases to have any control over himself, and increases his speed from the usual staggering jog-trot to a brisk zigzag gallop that generally terminates abruptly in the grave.

Ned Hooper, a kind-hearted fellow enough, and thinking himself not so bad as he seemed because of that same kind-heartedness, had reached the galloping point, and was travelling unusually fast along the high road to ruin.

Being of a generous nature, Ned was in the habit of extending his patronage to various beer-shops, among others to that one near London Bridge which has been described as the property of Gorman. Business, pleasure, or fancy led him to that shop on the evening in question. He was standing at the counter steadying himself with his left hand and holding a pewter-pot in his right, when the door of the inner room opened, and Gorman crossed the floor. He was in a thoughtful mood, and was about to pa.s.s out without raising his eyes, when Ned arrested him with:

"Good ev-n'in', Misher Gorm'n."

Gorman glanced back, and then turned away as if in contempt, but, suddenly checking himself, returned, and going up to Hooper with as affable a smile as his countenance would admit of, said that he was delighted to shake hands with him, and that he was the very man he wanted to see, as he wished to have a word of conversation with him.

"Conv'shas'n wi' me?" said Ned, swaying himself to and fro as he endeavoured to look steadily in the face of his friend; "fire away, shen. I'm sh' man f'r conv'shash'n, grave or gay, comic--'r--shublime, 's all the shame to me!"

He finished the pot, and laid it, with an immense a.s.sumption of care, on the counter.

"Come out, we'll walk as we talk," said Gorman.

"Ha! to b'shure; 'at's poetical--very good, very good, we'll wa-alk as we talk--ha! ha! very good. Didn't know you wash a poet--eh? don't look like 'un."

"Come along, then," said Gorman, taking him by the arm.

"Shtop!" said Ned, drawing himself up with an air of drivelling dignity, and thrusting his hand into his trouser-pocket.

"What for?" asked the other.

"I haven't p-paid for my b-beer."

"Never mind the beer. I'll stand that," said Gorman, dragging his friend away.

Ned consented to be dragged, and said something to the effect that he hoped to have the pleasure of standing treat on some future occasion.

"Now, then," said Gorman, somewhat firmly, though not sternly, for he knew that Ned Hooper was not to be browbeat; "are you sober enough to attend to what I've got to say?"

"Shober as a dudge," answered Ned.

Gorman looked earnestly in his face for a few moments, and then began to talk to him in a continuous strain by way of testing him.

"C'found these cabs an' b-busseses; a feller c-can't hear a word," said Ned.

"Your lodgin's an't far off, are they?"

"Close 't 'and," answered Ned.

"Let's go to 'em," said Gorman.

In silence Ned Hooper led the way, and, conducting his friend into his "chamber," as he styled his poor abode, begged him to be seated, and threw himself into an armchair beside the little fire. There was a pipe on the chimney-piece, which Ned began to fill, while Gorman opened the conversation.

"You're hard up, rather, just now?" said the latter.

"'Xactly so, that's my c'ndition to a tee."

Ned smiled as he said this, as though it were the most satisfactory state of things possible, and lighted his pipe.

"Of course you've no objection to make a fifty pound note or so?" asked Gorman.

"None in sh' wo'ld; always," he became very earnest here, "_always_ sh'posin' that I make it honestly."

"Of course, of course," rejoined the other; "I would never propose anything that would lead you into a sc.r.a.pe. You don't suppose I would do that, I hope?"

"Shertenly not," replied Ned with a smile; "fire away."

"Well, then, I'm anxious just now to procure a dead corpse."

Ned Hooper, drunk as he was, felt somewhat startled by this, but, being a man of wandering and lively imagination, turned from the point in question to an idea suggested by it.

"I sh'pose a living corpse wouldn't do, would it? It must be a dead one--eh?"

"Be serious if you can," said Gorman angrily. "I want a corpse."

Ned Hooper, who, like many good-humoured men, was easily roused when in a state of intoxication, fired at the tone of Gorman's voice, and looked at him as sternly as he could, while he replied:

"What have _I_ got to do with yer wants an' yer co'pses--eh? You don't sh'pose I keep a stock of 'em on hand ready-made, do you--eh?" Then relapsing into a placid frame, he smiled, and added, "But fire away, ol'

feller, I'm yer man for conv'sashin, specially w'en it's in the comic line."

"That's right," said Gorman, clapping Ned on the shoulder and endeavouring to conciliate him; "now, then, the question is, how am I to get 'un?"

"Ah, thash the question, if Shakspr's to be b'lieved."

"Well, but couldn't you think?" said Gorman.

"Think!" exclaimed the other, "what am I paid a salary for? What are my brains doin' night an day--eh? Of course I can think; thash's my pr'feshion, is thinking."