I've painted SHAKESPEARE all my life - "An infant" (even then at "play"!) "A boy," with stage-ambition rife, Then "Married to ANN HATHAWAY."

"The bard's first ticket night" (or "ben."), His "First appearance on the stage,"

His "Call before the curtain"--then "Rejoicings when he came of age."

The bard play-writing in his room, The bard a humble lawyer's clerk.

The bard a lawyer {3}--parson {4}--groom {5} - The bard deer-stealing, after dark.

The bard a tradesman {6}--and a Jew {7} - The bard a botanist {8}--a beak {9} - The bard a skilled musician {10} too - A sheriff {11} and a surgeon {12} eke!

Yet critics say (a friendly stock) That, though it's evident I try, Yet even _I_ can barely mock The glimmer of his wondrous eye!

One morning as a work I framed, There pa.s.sed a person, walking hard: "My gracious goodness," I exclaimed, "How very like my dear old bard!

"Oh, what a model he would make!"

I rushed outside--impulsive me! - "Forgive the liberty I take, But you're so very"--"Stop!" said he.

"You needn't waste your breath or time, - I know what you are going to say, - That you're an artist, and that I'm Remarkably like SHAKESPEARE. Eh?

"You wish that I would sit to you?"

I clasped him madly round the waist, And breathlessly replied, "I do!"

"All right," said he, "but please make haste."

I led him by his hallowed sleeve, And worked away at him apace, I painted him till dewy eve, - There never was a n.o.bler face!

"Oh, sir," I said, "a fortune grand Is yours, by dint of merest chance, - To sport HIS brow at second-hand, To wear HIS cast-off countenance!

"To rub HIS eyes whene'er they ache - To wear HIS baldness ere you're old - To clean HIS teeth when you awake - To blow HIS nose when you've a cold!"

His eyeb.a.l.l.s glistened in his eyes - I sat and watched and smoked my pipe; "Bravo!" I said, "I recognize The phrensy of your prototype!"

His scanty hair he wildly tore: "That's right," said I, "it shows your breed."

He danced--he stamped--he wildly swore - "Bless me, that's very fine indeed!"

"Sir," said the grand Shakesperian boy (Continuing to blaze away), "You think my face a source of joy; That shows you know not what you say.

"Forgive these yells and cellar-flaps: I'm always thrown in some such state When on his face well-meaning chaps This wretched man congratulate.

"For, oh! this face--this pointed chin - This nose--this brow--these eyeb.a.l.l.s too, Have always been the origin Of all the woes I ever knew!

"If to the play my way I find, To see a grand Shakesperian piece, I have no rest, no ease of mind Until the author's puppets cease.

"Men nudge each other--thus--and say, 'This certainly is SHAKESPEARE'S son,'

And merry wags (of course in play) Cry 'Author!' when the piece is done.

"In church the people stare at me, Their soul the sermon never binds; I catch them looking round to see, And thoughts of SHAKESPEARE fill their minds.

"And sculptors, fraught with cunning wile, Who find it difficult to crown A bust with BROWN'S insipid smile, Or TOMKINS'S unmannered frown,

"Yet boldly make my face their own, When (oh, presumption!) they require To animate a paving-stone With SHAKESPEARE'S intellectual fire.

"At parties where young ladies gaze, And I attempt to speak my joy, 'Hush, pray,' some lovely creature says, 'The fond illusion don't destroy!'

"Whene'er I speak, my soul is wrung With these or some such whisperings: ''Tis pity that a SHAKESPEARE'S tongue Should say such un-Shakesperian things!'

"I should not thus be criticised Had I a face of common wont: Don't envy me--now, be advised!"

And, now I think of it, I don't!

Ballad: THE KING OF CANOODLE-DUM.

The story of FREDERICK GOWLER, A mariner of the sea, Who quitted his ship, the Howler, A-sailing in Caribbee.

For many a day he wandered, Till he met in a state of rum CALAMITY POP VON PEPPERMINT DROP, The King of Canoodle-Dum.

That monarch addressed him gaily, "Hum! Golly de do to-day?

Hum! Lily-white Buckra Sailee" - (You notice his playful way?) - "What d.i.c.kens you doin' here, sar?

Why debbil you want to come?

Hum! Picaninnee, dere isn't no sea In City Canoodle-Dum!"

And GOWLER he answered sadly, "Oh, mine is a doleful tale!

They've treated me werry badly In Lunnon, from where I hail.

I'm one of the Family Royal - No common Jack Tar you see; I'm WILLIAM THE FOURTH, far up in the North, A King in my own countree!"

Bang-bang! How the tom-toms thundered!

Bang-bang! How they thumped this gongs!

Bang-bang! How the people wondered!

Bang-bang! At it hammer and tongs!

Alliance with Kings of Europe Is an honour Canoodlers seek, Her monarchs don't stop with PEPPERMINT DROP Every day in the week!

FRED told them that he was undone, For his people all went insane, And fired the Tower of London, And Grinnidge's Naval Fane.

And some of them racked St. James's, And vented their rage upon The Church of St. Paul, the Fishmongers' Hall, And the Angel at Islington.

CALAMITY POP implored him In his capital to remain Till those people of his restored him To power and rank again.

CALAMITY POP he made him A Prince of Canoodle-Dum, With a couple of caves, some beautiful slaves, And the run of the royal rum.

Pop gave him his only daughter, HUM PICKETY WIMPLE TIP: FRED vowed that if over the water He went, in an English ship, He'd make her his Queen,--though truly It is an unusual thing For a Caribbee brat who's as black as your hat To be wife of an English King.

And all the Canoodle-Dummers They copied his rolling walk, His method of draining rummers, His emblematical talk.

For his dress and his graceful breeding, His delicate taste in rum, And his nautical way, were the talk of the day In the Court of Canoodle-Dum.

CALAMITY POP most wisely Determined in everything To model his Court precisely On that of the English King; And ordered that every lady And every lady's lord Should masticate jacky (a kind of tobaccy), And scatter its juice abroad.

They signified wonder roundly At any astounding yarn, By darning their dear eyes roundly ('T was all they had to darn).

They "hoisted their slacks," adjusting Garments of plantain-leaves With nautical twitches (as if they wore breeches, Instead of a dress like EVE'S!)