"I haven't bled for three months."

"We'd better go see Craig. Maybe there's something wrong."

"And I felt sick every morning for almost two months. I never really got sick because we get up and do ch.o.r.es first and then eat, and it would pa.s.s before breakfast, but it was there, and my b.r.e.a.s.t.s feel the way they do before my time of the month all the time, and I started crying for no reason when I was cleaning out the garden, and laughing hysterically for no reason when I was baking the other day. That happens too, you know, strange emotions."

He pulled away. "s.h.i.t."

Obscenity had been rare from him for some time now, and it felt like a blow. Fighting tears, she admitted to herself, all right, I knew he wouldn't like it.

"So it wasn't that you weren't in love with Rosa or didn't want to stay in Texas. You felt trapped when she was with child because you didn't want to be stuck in a marriage, and you feel just as trapped now."

"Me trapped? Are you crazy? You're the one this traps. I never meant to do this to you. I wouldn't have asked you to stay last year except I thought it couldn't happen."

Anne sat up, groped around for matches and lit the lamp so she could see him.

"We are married, not trapped. Are you listening to me? I'm not going anywhere, pregnant, not pregnant, with a child or without a child. I am not going anywhere! And you could at least pretend to be happy about it.

"Happy? Are you crazy? Do you have any idea what the h.e.l.l you're talking about?"

Anne stopped fighting tears. She had never imagined anything this bad. Curling in a ball with her back to him, she gave in and wept.

Instantly she was in his arms. "Don't cry. For G.o.d's sake, don't cry. It feels like a knife in my gut. d.a.m.n it, Annie, stop."

Anne made no effort to stop crying. "I guess I am crazy," she said, hiccupping, "because I was happy about it. I am happy about it, and if you're not that's just too bad."

She tried to pull away, but he didn't let go. "Stop crying, and we'll talk about it." He turned her towards him and held her against his chest, stroking her hair, as her sobs dwindled.

"I didn't tell you weeks ago because I knew you wouldn't like it," she admitted.

"Have you really thought about this yourself? You're not talking about some pretty pink and white baby the world's going to hug and admire, you know."

The last traces of sobs vanished as her temper flared. "Do you think I expect our child to look like Frank and Judith's? Do you think I'm an idiot?"

"What exactly do you think it's going to look like?"

"Well, I don't know, of course. Somewhere between the two of us. If I had my choice I'd like a boy to look like you, only with one feature that was obviously from me, so I could see us both, and I'd like a girl to look just like Marie. She was the most beautiful little girl and young woman I ever saw."

Cord swallowed to control the lump in his throat several times before risking speech.

If he lived to be a hundred and tried every day of the time he'd never deserve to have this woman, not for an hour, day, or week, much less this whole past year. And having loved her was going to cause her untold pain.

"There are people in town who tolerate us because they know how it happened and feel some sympathy for you, but this is going to make them downright ugly," he said.

"You must know what your family is going to be like, and mine...."

"Why shouldn't your family be happy for us? They raised you and Marie and loved you dearly."

"Take my word for it. They're not going to like it, and they know it wasn't supposed to happen, which just makes it worse."

"What do you mean, they know it wasn't supposed to happen?"

"Just that. The whole town knows. Let.i.tia Craig went and shot off her mouth at some ladies' meeting in town."

Anne gasped. "B-but that's not right. P-people shouldn't know that about us, that's not... oh, d.a.m.n!" she wailed. "How do you know?"

"I come up on people when they don't know it and they're talking is all."

"So your family knows, your brothers know, and my family knows...."

"Yeah, they do. Anybody not deaf who lives around here knows. Look, babe, go to sleep. Let's leave it for now. We'll go see Craig tomorrow and worry about it then, yes?"

"Tell me just one thing," Anne whispered. "If we were the only two people in the whole world, then would you be happy about it?"

"We're not. There's no use even thinking about it - we're not the only two people in the world."

She fell asleep against him quickly after that, but Cord lay awake staring into the dark. It wouldn't be true. There was something wrong was all. Oh, G.o.d, he didn't want anything wrong with her either. Something small, maybe, something Craig could give her a tonic or a pill for. He shouldn't have let her work in the hay fields like that. Deep inside he already knew it was true.

Through a sleepless night he wrestled with it. If it got bad enough he could take her south to live among more tolerant people. Down along the border - realization came in a rush. Among the mixed blood people to the south, he was accepted, as the child would be. Anne was the one who would be the outsider there. He could take her into the far territories where there were few people, but in those places life was constant danger. He could think of no solution to save her the heartache, no way to spare her the pain.

The next day Cord sat perfectly still in one of the hard, straight-backed chairs in the small room outside Craig's examining room. The doctor had been in when they arrived and no one else was about. Cord had been waiting for some time now, and the cold stone in his stomach was getting larger and colder by the minute.

When the outside door opened, he moved only his eyes. Rachel Miles Ross stood in the doorway, frozen with surprise and no little fear. Cord knew Rachel and Anne had been best friends since they were little girls and that Rachel and her family had provided Anne considerable comfort through hard times. He also knew Randal Ross was a selfish b.a.s.t.a.r.d who had forbidden his wife to so much as nod to Anne on the street. Although Rachel was alone, without even one of her growing young brood to tell tales, he wondered if she had the courage to ignore Randal's orders.

She did. She walked into the room and sat in a chair as far from Cord as she could get, then cleared her throat nervously. "Is there anything wrong? Is Anne all right?"

"Fine." Totally inexperienced with the kind of delicacy the situation called for, Cord couldn't have explained the purpose of their visit to Rachel if he wanted to. And he didn't want to.

They sat in silence until Craig stuck his head through the door to the treatment room.

"Why, h.e.l.lo, Rachel, we'll be through here and I can see you in just a minute. I've got that cough medicine for Jimmy all ready for you. Cord, why don't you come on in. Anne thinks it would be easier if you heard this too instead of her trying to repeat it."

Anne was sitting in another uncomfortable looking chair, pink faced. Just what exactly did a doctor examine to decide if a woman was pregnant, Cord suddenly wondered.

Craig was beaming at him, looking very pleased. "Anne's exactly right. About three and a half months we estimate." He chuckled with what looked like genuine pleasure.

"I'm surprised you're willing to come see me about it though. Last year I was sure you were going to die, and this year I'd still have bet against your becoming a father. I seem to make a habit of underestimating you."

Cord said nothing, wondered if Craig knew about the sneering remarks about steers and geldings that had been made in his hearing in places like the feed store until one day Ed Bentley had crossed the line and mentioned Anne's name. Cord had left Bentley on his back in a lot of pain with a wet stain spreading across the front of his trousers and left every townsman present that day with no doubt that mentioning Anne's name was crossing a line better not crossed. Even so, putting up with that because Craig and his wife had big mouths didn't make Cord feel like responding in kind to Craig's light treatment of the subject.

Craig ignored Cord's att.i.tude and launched into detailed instructions on what he considered proper prenatal care. Pregnant women shouldn't coddle themselves he said.

He emphasized proper diet, plenty of non-stressful exercise and outlined a few dos and don'ts. When he began delicately indicating continued marital relations were possible with certain qualifications, Anne's color, which had faded, rose again, and Cord was suddenly sure he was blushing himself. He clenched his jaw. Surely his skin was too dark for it to show.

When the doctor finally wound down and asked if they had any questions, Cord asked flatly, "Anne going to get to tell people this herself, or will it be all over town before we leave here?"

Craig's smile and joking manner disappeared. "All I can tell you is that if it's all over town from here, you can comfort yourself at my hanging. I'll have murdered my wife, you see." After a pause, he added, "I really am sorry. So is my wife. Nothing like that will ever happen again. You have my word." He extended his hand. "And congratulations, I'm glad I was wrong."

Cord relented and took the outstretched hand. "Doesn't make much difference now, does it?"

"No, it doesn't." The doctor escorted them to the door, and said with no little understanding, "Rachel, why don't you just come in when you're ready."

Seeing the two women standing looking at each other so tentatively, Cord muttered, "I'll wait outside," and disappeared.

Anne had often wished she could spend just a few minutes with Rachel again. Now here she was, and no words were necessary. She met Rachel in the middle of the room, and they fell into each other's arms, hugging hard.

"Oh, Anne, I can't tell you how much I've worried about you, how often I've prayed for you. Daddy says you're all right, but that man is so frightening. Tell me truly, are you really all right?"

"Really all right," Anne said. "In fact I never knew life could be so good. That frightening man is the best thing that ever happened to me."

Rachel straightened and searched Anne's face. "Daddy says - is it true? Are you in love with him?"

"Any right-minded woman would love him after about five minutes. He is so good.

Sometimes I wake up in the night, afraid, and I realize what I'm afraid of is what could have happened and didn't. Whoever would think I'd get so lucky?"

"Lucky? Oh, Anne." Rachel shook her head, almost laughing. "You do look good.

Daddy might even be right. He says you glow."

Before Anne could answer, she heard the sound of the door opening. Turning away from her friend before they could be seen together, she forced a neutral expression on her face and walked out as soon as the young mother entering had her three children all inside. If only she could have had a little more time with Rachel. If only.

CHAPTER 35.

THE SUNDAY AFTER THE VISIT to Craig dawned gray and with the threat of rain. Cord would have refused to make a trip to town except that Anne really wanted to go. She wanted tell her mother about the baby. She wanted to tell everyone and wouldn't listen to anything he had to say on the subject.

"You're not happy about it, so you don't think anyone else will be," she said, and after that refused to discuss it.

Even so, he thought he had convinced her to talk to her mother first and then Martha.

Maybe the two older women could control the families' initial reactions, or at least keep Anne from hearing the worst of it.

However, when Leona Wells showed up in Martha's kitchen an hour earlier than usual with Rob right behind her looking as sullen as ever, Cord watched his worst fears play out.

Martha was gracious, and Leona apologetic. "I'm so sorry to be imposing like this.

Please forgive me, but I couldn't catch Anne at the church and I need to talk to her."

Leona turned to Anne, "It's such a relief to see you. Rachel came to see me yesterday and told me she saw you at the doctor's. I've been frantic that one of those horses hurt you or you were seriously ill. A two-hour trip just to see the doctor.... Rachel asked Dr. Craig why you were there, and he not only wouldn't tell her, she said she's never known him to be so rude. She was almost in tears telling me about it."

"I'm fine, Mother," Anne said. "You can see for yourself. I'm not hurt and I'm fine.

After dinner we can have a talk."

By now Martha had extra places set at the table and Leona and Rob sitting on either side of Anne. "You two go on into the parlor and talk now," she said. "Judith and I don't need help here. I'm glad it's not serious, but I know myself how mothers worry."

Anne hesitated for a moment, gave Cord a defiant look, and smiled at Martha and at her mother. "I'm going to find out about that myself soon. We're going to have a baby."

Leona gasped and lost color. Martha froze with a plate in her hand. As the awkward silence stretched out, Anne's smile slowly faded.

Then Rob jumped to his feet, white-faced and hoa.r.s.e with fury. "So just living out there with that devil telling everybody you're better off now than you were when you lived a decent life with decent people wasn't revenge enough for you? You had to stay there and let him fill you with his filthy, savage seed until it took. Have you ever considered for a minute the one you're punishing the most is yourself? How are you going to feel with some dark mongrel sucking at your breast, sister dearest? Just how are you going to feel then?"

Cord was slowed by the effort to control a killing rage. His hand actually closed around the knife in his boot before he jerked it away, and he was only halfway to his feet, still unsure what he was going to do, when Anne hit her brother. The slap had all the strength earned with months of hard work behind it. The crack resounded through the kitchen, and Rob staggered back, knocking over his chair, the bright red imprint of her hand outlined on his livid face.

Anne leaned toward him, shaking, low-voiced with fury. "You think about this, brother, dear, that filthy savage at my breast makes me scream with joy. I'm sure I'll like his child there just fine."

She turned then and fled into the cold rain, not even closing the door behind her. Cord moved towards the door wooden with the effort at control, picked up their coats and rain slickers and went after her.

She was at the back of the barn, facing the wall, and for the first time when he touched her, she shrugged him off. "Go away."

"Anne, Annie."

He heard the break in his own voice, knew she heard it too when she turned and threw herself at him. Her fingers were digging into his back, and he held her just as hard, buried his face in her hair. She was shaking but not crying.

"d.a.m.n them. d.a.m.n you."

"Ssh. Ssh." The lump in his throat was so painful he couldn't have said anything even if he knew what to say.

When Martha's voice echoed through the barn, Cord pulled away from Anne, then cursed himself for doing it. Anne was facing the wall again as Martha came into sight.

"Your mother and brother are gone, Anne, and I told your brother he's no longer welcome in my house. Now suppose you come back in. You're soaked to the skin and shouldn't be going home wet and cold and hungry."

Anne's voice was barely a whisper. "I can't, Martha. I'm too ashamed. People don't talk like that."

Martha went to her and put an arm around her shaking shoulders. "I've been provoked into saying some pretty extraordinary things myself over the years. And no one has ever come close to being as offensive as your brother. It will be much easier to come in now than next week, you know."

Anne hunched over further toward the wall, shaking her head. Cord finally managed words. "Annie, please."

Anne stopped resisting then and let Martha wrap a slicker around her shoulders and lead her back to the house.

The extra places set for Rob and Leona had disappeared as if they never were. Martha guided Anne back to her chair and began to bustle about. The people in the room were so quiet every sound of cutlery, dishes, or a cleared throat was magnified.

Cord watched only Anne, who stared at her hands in her lap and huddled miserably in her chair.

It was Luke, usually insensitive and irreverent, who broke the spell. He got up, walked around behind her and with hands on both her shoulders leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Your brother's a fool, Anne. He deserved everything he got.

Congratulations about the baby."

Pete was right behind him, also bestowing a peck on the cheek. "Yes, congratulations.

If you'd like us to go knock his head in for you, just say."