By the time I got back to Colorado City, Merril and Barbara were gone. I was a nervous wreck. On top of everything I still was sick and vomiting from being pregnant. The trauma hit me hard when I got home and I started crying so hard I couldn't stop. The next day I felt desperately sick and broke out in hives. I was so weak it was hard to stand.

I had never felt so sick in my life before. I had to crawl to the bathroom to throw up. The hives were all over my body.

Merril called and wanted to talk to me. I told him that I was terribly ill and that I'd broken out in hives. "Well, that's good," he said.

I thought he was joking. "Good?"

His rage shot through the phone. "After the way you've been acting, I think so."

I said goodbye and hung up the phone.

I knew I needed help. I couldn't go back there without protection. My sister Annette was married to Merril's half brother Bob. They had managed the motel for over four years in the past. I was betting they knew Jason.

A week later I went to see them. The hives were gone and I was feeling a little better. I didn't tell anyone where I was going. I got in my van and drove to St. George, which was about forty-five minutes away. I hadn't seen Annette and Bob for years, but I knew they were still at the same address.

They were glad to see me, and after catching up a bit I asked Bob if he knew Jason. He told me he knew a lot about him, and wanted to know why I was asking.

When I told him Jason had been living at the motel he leaped to his feet and said, "Get him out!" "Get him out!" Bob was shaking his finger at me. "That man has been involved in murder. He's involved with a drug operation in Las Vegas. He's done time in jail, but the police haven't been able to convict him for the serious stuff he's been involved with." Bob was shaking his finger at me. "That man has been involved in murder. He's involved with a drug operation in Las Vegas. He's done time in jail, but the police haven't been able to convict him for the serious stuff he's been involved with."

Annette looked shocked. "I can't believe he's still there," she said. "When we left the police had a rap sheet on him and were going to take him down."

I told Bob that Jason was moving out; Merril was getting a no-trespa.s.sing order to keep him off the property and a restraining order to keep him away from me.

Annette shook her head. Bob spoke first. "Carolyn, a restraining order isn't going to protect you. This man has a sick mind. He belongs in an inst.i.tution. The worst part is he's hooked up with people who are very evil. He's kind of a coward. I don't know if he'd come after you himself, but he knows a lot of people who'd be happy to take you out for a few drugs."

I told them I wasn't going back for two weeks-and that I didn't think there was any way out of it. Annette couldn't believe Merril was making me return to Caliente if it was so unsafe. "He insists that I'm paranoid and that my fears are out of control," I told them.

Bob was getting angrier by the moment. "I'll tell that son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h husband of yours what you are involved with in Jason. I know the area and I know the people."

"It's not going to change him just because you talk to him," I said. "I know Merril."

"You're going back there with a gun," Annette said. "You can take mine. Bob and I will take you out to the gun range and teach you how to shoot it."

I didn't argue with my sister. She came with me when I returned to Caliente the following week and made sure I knew how to use the gun. I kept it under my pillow. But Jason wasn't the only trauma I was dealing with.

I was having trouble with preterm labor. Each contraction frightened me because I was afraid the placenta might abrupt again. I was on medicine to stop the contractions. But it did nothing to diminish the stress, which was certainly not good either for me or my baby.

I told Merril that I needed to be closer to a hospital because of the complications from my pregnancy. He growled at me, accusing me of using my pregnancy as an excuse for my laziness.

Jeremy could see how sick I was and insisted I stop cleaning rooms. I stayed in the office and did computer work. For several days, Jeremy talked about having an eerie feeling as he cleaned. Finally he spotted Jason's red car. A few days after that, Jason walked into the lobby and wanted to talk to me. Jeremy told him to leave and called the police, who did not get there for forty-five minutes. Jason was gone by then, but the police tracked him down and gave him a warning.

A few weekends later my cousin Lee Ann was with me and the power went out at 9 P.M P.M. That meant the phones were cut off, too, and I couldn't call James for help. I locked the doors and grabbed my can of Mace. Lee Ann and I went to find James. I had that same eerie feeling Jeremy had talked about; it felt like Jason was watching and waiting, but I didn't know where. James and Jimmy walked us back to the house.

He checked the breaker boxes and found nothing wrong with any systems in the motel. He quickly restored power to the main house. But he said he was alarmed because usually when a breaker trips from a power overload it only flips partway. This breaker had been flipped all the way off, which said to James that it had been flipped deliberately. Jimmy put a key lock on the breaker box before leaving us. James promised us that they'd patrol around the house again that night with their flashlights and guns.

Several days later James caught Jason on the property. He put a loaded gun to his head and told him he was going to blow his brains out. Jason dropped to his knees and pleaded and whimpered for mercy. James told him to get the h.e.l.l off the property and that if he ever caught him again he'd enjoy the pleasure of killing him.

I found this out two weeks later when I was visiting James in his trailer. James said he felt confident that he'd scared Jason away. "He knows from the police that I have killed a lot of men and I have nothing against killing him if I need to." James had a beer in one hand and a cigarette in another. He offered me a beer, but I told him I didn't drink when I was pregnant. "With a husband like that, you should," he said. I couldn't stop staring at the rattlesnakes in cages over his bed.

Then James went on. "You know, sweetheart, that Jason is a small problem for you in comparison to that b.a.s.t.a.r.d you're married to. You are nothing to that man but a piece of meat. You need to do whatever it takes to get yourself away from him." He stopped, turned off the TV, and sat back in his chair.

I knew what he said was true. But it was still a lot to take in.

"James, you know I can't leave Merril. I have nowhere to go and no one to help me get away from him. Not with six children and another on the way."

James was undeterred. "You are a very smart girl. You've been to college, but there was one cla.s.s you should have taken."

I looked perplexed.

"You should have taken a cla.s.s on domestic violence. You are in over your head in a domestic violence situation."

Now he wasn't making sense. I told him Merril had never hit me.

"Doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be physical abuse. Emotional abuse is just as bad. I've never seen a man more emotionally abusive than your husband. He's dangerous."

This was all new to me and not easy to process.

"You girls from Colorado City think you're only going to heaven if your husband lets you in. But that ain't true. You don't need your husband's permission to go to heaven. No man's going to keep you out of heaven."

I'd known Merril was dangerous from the moment I met him. But I'd never had the right words for it until I heard James describe it.

I felt like the gravity had been stripped from my world. What James was saying undermined a main premise of my faith: that only my husband could determine whether or not I was worthy enough to enter into heaven. James did not comprehend what I knew in my bones to be true.

James wasn't finished. "I know the kind of man your husband is. I have seen his like before. You're going to end up dead if you don't wake up and get away from him."

I didn't know how to respond.

"Men like him start out with abuse but they will eventually kill their victims."

I thought of how Merril used to beat and brutalize Faunita. I knew Merril was scared of my father, but that certainly didn't preclude him setting me up to be hurt by someone else. James had gotten rid of Jason, but how much longer would it be until Merril found some other criminal to work in the motel?

I walked up the hill back to the motel. James' words had burned into me.

Life with Merril had always been painful and I hated it. That I knew. But now there was another element: danger. I'd never thought of myself as the target of domestic violence before. Was I?

I lived in such an isolated world-one that since Warren Jeffs had taken over the FLDS, which he'd done within the past year, was now without television, newspapers, and magazines.

James, who lived with rattlesnakes and stayed up all night and slept all day, cared more about me than anyone else in my world. No one else saw my situation with his clarity. No one else would dare suggest that I leave Merril. My parents knew I was unhappy, but both still believed my marriage was based on a revelation from G.o.d.

Merril called a few days after my conversation with James and asked me to come home for a wedding. He was about to marry his seventh wife, Lorraine Steed. There was no way I could refuse. But I didn't understand his urgency. His last two weddings had been top-secret.

When I got home Tammy told me that Merril's daughters-the ones he had married off to Uncle Rulon-had arranged the marriage because they wanted their father to marry someone nice.

I felt revolted. Merril's daughters weren't supposed to be arranging marriages. I realized that my daughters were not going to be safe. How could I ever tell one of my girls that her marriage was the will of the prophet when, in fact, it was the will of her older sisters?

My mother and grandmother had raised me to believe in the beauty of polygamy. I was taught that not only was it a more natural lifestyle, but a privileged one because it meant living a higher law of G.o.d, which always brought more happiness. A woman's sister wives were her best friends who would always be there for her in sickness and in health. The love shared for the same man extended to the love wives shared for one another's children. I grew up believing in the myth; my life proved it a lie.

I knew I didn't want to condemn my daughters to polygamy. But if I didn't want them involved in polygamy, why was I staying?

Merril's wedding was full of pomp and grandeur. He was now in his mid-sixties; Lorraine was twenty years old. She went through the motions as robotically as I had, stiff, scared, and resigned.

After the wedding I gathered up my four children and we drove back to the motel. Jason was out of the picture and I felt confident he wouldn't be back. I wasn't going to be separated from my children anymore. My cousin Jayne and her children came, too.

When Jeremy got back to the motel after his vacation he told me Barbara had been badgering him about me. She was questioning him about all sorts of bizarre behavior she thought I was involved in. Why weren't the daily reports longer? How much did I spend on cleaning supplies? Did I charge everyone who used the bathhouses? Did I give rooms free to my family? Was I underreporting room rentals and keeping the money for myself?

Jeremy was disgusted. "All of this time I thought I was working for Merril and keeping him from losing his motel. But Barbara is the one running this family. I'm not scrubbing toilets and making beds for her." Jeremy said he'd told his wife he was going to look for another job. Four weeks later, he was gone.

I had one weekend at home before he quit. I was riding home in a truck after church with Tammy and Merril's other wives. Tammy made a point to tell a story about a teacher she knew who'd celebrated his anniversary with his wife in Caliente. He was there when I was managing the motel alone, pregnant, and overwhelmed with work.

When he saw Tammy at school he said, "How can Merril send one of his wives off miles away from home to be in a rank area like that?" (Rank was a word we used all the time to refer to something bad.) was a word we used all the time to refer to something bad.) She said Merril replied, "You tell him that I sent Carolyn to Caliente because I'm trying to get rid of her." Everyone roared with laughter.

Merril was bragging about putting me in danger. I could not believe what I was hearing.

Tammy couldn't get enough of this story. When we had guests over for dinner after church she told it again for their benefit. Merril and his wives thought it was just as funny the second time.

I felt stricken. The guests weren't sure how to react.

That was the turning point. James had pointed me to the door. Now I was ready to walk through it.

I took my plate into the kitchen and went to my bedroom to get away from Merril and his sickening wives. I started packing my things to return to Caliente.

Thoughts were coming fast. If Merril wanted to get rid of me now, why would he take me with him into the kingdom of G.o.d in the next life? I realized I could spend the rest of my life enduring his abuse so I would not have to go to h.e.l.l and then find myself sent there anyway by him after I died.

When I realized that either way I was going to h.e.l.l, I thought that I could at least escape from the h.e.l.l of living with Merril in this life. Even if I didn't end up in h.e.l.l, I knew I did not want to spend eternity with someone I hated as much as Merril.

I hadn't rejected my religion. But I knew that all it could offer me was h.e.l.l in this life and beyond.

I did not even bother to say goodbye. I strapped my children into the van and we headed back to Caliente.

In the coming weeks, I asked my sisters to come and help. Each time I had a chance to go back to Colorado City I moved some of my things back home. I didn't want anyone to realize I was quitting Caliente. But my bedroom had an outside door and I deliberately moved things in after dark.

I was finally ready to leave Caliente for the last time. I walked to James' trailer to say goodbye. Again he told me that I had to leave Merril. I said I understood his concerns but still didn't know how I could.

My seventh child was due in a few weeks. I told Merril I would not be going back to the motel. He sent Barbara to run things, which was a disaster, and then sent Tammy. The rest of the family thought I was worthless for staying at home. But I didn't care. My life with Merril had ended. I was finished with his family and its sick games. I didn't know how I would ever escape or where I would go. Leaving seemed impossible, but staying wasn't an option.

My obstetrician did not want me to go into labor naturally because I was too high-risk. He felt it was safer to induce labor and deliver the baby on a day when he knew he could set aside the time to monitor things properly. The only date that fit his schedule turned out to be on my thirteenth wedding anniversary, May 17, 1999. I didn't care. My marriage was never something I celebrated.

When Merril heard the date, he insisted on being there. I was upset. I would have much preferred having one of my friends accompany me. But this was not a time to say no to Merril. He was driving down from Salt Lake City. I agreed to meet him at a hotel the night before in St. George since I had to be at the hospital at 6 A.M A.M.

As soon as we were alone in our room, Merril started kissing me. I was revolted. Everything about him repelled me. His cell phone started ringing. It was Barbara. He quit kissing me to talk to her. But as soon as the call ended, he was all over me again. Thirty seconds later, Barbara called back and they talked for twenty minutes. I crawled into bed welcoming the last night of a difficult pregnancy.

Merril joined me. The kissing began again. But within minutes, Barbara called back and I finally fell asleep.

We were at the hospital by six the next morning. I was taken into the labor and delivery area and was put on a drip to induce labor. Merril stayed for an hour and then left. He said Barbara was bringing his truck back from St. George and he was going to meet her at the hotel and get some rest.

After six hours I went from active labor to transition. I knew the baby would be born soon. The nurse wanted to know how she could get hold of my husband. She was worried about him missing the birth of his son. (We knew it was a boy from all the ultrasounds I had during my pregnancy.) I lied and said Merril would call in a few minutes. The truth was he'd called a short while before and I told him nothing was happening. I didn't want to deliver my baby alone, but I certainly didn't want him with me.

Contractions took over my body. The nurse told me not to push and called frantically for the doctor. He ran into the room and Harrison was born minutes later.

The doctor handed me my beautiful baby boy. He was five pounds thirteen ounces, and unbelievably healthy. I smiled as Dr. Carter congratulated me.

Merril called five minutes after Harrison was born. He could hear the child crying over the phone. He professed disappointment at missing his birth. Merril and Barbara came right over to the hospital. Barbara seemed thrilled that Merril had been with her when Harrison was born on our anniversary.

I was beyond caring about Merril Jessop. As I watched him walk away with Barbara I knew my marriage to him was completely over.

I had just given birth to his fifty-third child.

I Take Charge of My Life

After Harrison was born, I was able to stay home for the first time in a long time and not work. It had been over a year since I'd lived with Merril's family on a regular basis. Now I saw that Warren Jeffs' stamp on the FLDS was becoming increasingly evident.

I'd had a collection of three hundred children's books that I kept in my bedroom. I cherished books. Books were the only real window I had into any other world than my own. I loved to read stories to my children. It was a precious time together, a time of intimacy and tenderness that did not exist in any other area of our lives.

Warren had decreed in 1998 that all worldly reading materials had to be eliminated. While I was away, the family had seized and destroyed my library. My shelves were stripped of my cherished books. I was heartbroken to see that my best books were gone-books such as Charlotte's Web, Little House on the Prairie, Charlotte's Web, Little House on the Prairie, and and The Indian in the Cupboard. The Indian in the Cupboard. I made a point to collect books that had won the Newbery Award. They were all gone. The only books left were big picture books of animals. I made a point to collect books that had won the Newbery Award. They were all gone. The only books left were big picture books of animals.

I felt so violated.

The year I spent in Caliente had spoiled me in one way: I could do my laundry whenever I wanted to. This may not seem like a luxury to most. But to me, it was heaven.

Doing laundry at Merril's was an ordeal. The three automatic washers we had were always breaking down. We had a large, industrialsize washer that was very time-consuming to use. Ruth, for whatever reasons, often would come down and take my laundry out of the washer and dump it on the floor.

I decided I was not going to fight over laundry. My father had a much better machine at his house and had no objections to my doing laundry there. In three hours, I could do laundry for all eight of us.

Merril's wives complained. Merril called me into his office and demanded an explanation. I told him that it was easier than trying to do it in his house and that my father had no objections. Merril said if I was really interested in doing what he wanted, I would find a way to do it in his home. I agreed. But I knew I wasn't changing the way I did the laundry. It was a small step away from his tyranny and oppression, but it was a step.

Linda's clandestine coffee parties were still taking place after nine years. I went whenever I could. It was one of the few places where any of us spoke honestly about what was happening within our community. At one of the early meetings I went to, Linda asked if we had heard what had happened to one of Warren's newest wives when she gave birth to her first baby.

I said that if it was another sewing-scissors-and-dental-floss story, I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear it. "It's worse," Linda said. "This time the baby died." Warren's wife was in Salt Lake City when she went into labor. Warren was in Colorado City. She had been in labor for hours but the baby didn't come. The midwife kept calling Warren and asking if she could send her to the hospital. He refused. Linda said the labor lasted more than a day and the baby finally died. When the midwife called Warren she said his wife would be dead within the hour unless she got to the hospital. He relented, but told his wife the death of her baby was the will of G.o.d.

All of us at Linda's fell silent. Someone finally spoke. "If the leader of this community is a man so selfish that he would murder his unborn child, then every one of us is in big trouble." We all picked up our things and started to leave. What more could we say? If anyone heard us talking this way about Warren, we would be in real danger.

I took a detour on the way home and stopped in the park. I sat in the gra.s.s, cradling Harrison in my arms. I remembered going to my mother shortly after I married Merril thirteen years before and telling her how unhappy I was. My marriage was so terrible, I couldn't stand it. She told me to be a loyal wife and that I could learn to love my husband. I believed her. For thirteen years I suppressed every emotion I had ever felt. I tried to be at peace even when I knew everything around me was spinning apart.

We had been taught in the FLDS that sometimes marriage between a man and a woman didn't work out on earth. But it did in heaven because in the next life, the couple could see each other for the truly great people they were. Sometimes in this world a man would fail to appreciate the sacrifices his wife was making. But in the next, he'd recognize all she had done and love her. The woman would also appreciate her husband as a G.o.d. Once she saw his greatness, all the hard feelings she'd had about him would be forgiven. She'd fall down before him in worship and marvel in his glory.

When I thought that I had actually believed in this, I felt sick to my stomach. For thirteen years I'd tried everything I could think of to make my marriage work, even though my husband was a monster. I'd believed that if I worked harder and did my part, the marriage would improve and Merril and I might be able to love each other.

I'd believed that I was doomed if Merril didn't want me to be his wife in the afterlife. If I failed to please him in this life, he could condemn me to be a servant to him and his other spirit wives for eternity. This would lead me to what we really feared in the FLDS: the second death. The second death happens in the afterlife when a spirit is killed off for the rest of eternity. Such a spirit is cast out with all the other vile spirits to await the second death. A spirit might be forced to endure a thousand years of tortured suffering before the second death actually occurs.

Sitting in the park with my sleeping son, I thought of James-crazy, spooky, rattlesnake-loving James, who patrolled the grounds of the motel all night to make sure Jason would not harm me. I knew I would rather live ten eternities with a man like him that one eternity with Merril.