Move Home

A week after I moved home from college, Tammy and I sat down for a long talk. In nearly four years of marriage, I'd grown closer to Tammy than any of the other wives. Tammy played both sides of the family. She'd flatter Barbara and Merril but often used her power to protect others. In the early years of my marriage her backstabbing was kept to a minimum. week after I moved home from college, Tammy and I sat down for a long talk. In nearly four years of marriage, I'd grown closer to Tammy than any of the other wives. Tammy played both sides of the family. She'd flatter Barbara and Merril but often used her power to protect others. In the early years of my marriage her backstabbing was kept to a minimum.

Merril had always been financially stable, but a dispute with the state over land he leased for a gravel business that was not resolved in his favor sent him into a financial crisis. He was. .h.i.t with a $90,000 fine, which left him on the verge of bankruptcy. The repercussions for our family were terrible.

We were no longer able to partic.i.p.ate in the community's barter system because of Merril's financial problems. We had been trading cement credit for goods, but lost that purchasing power when Merril was no longer able to provide cement because of his company's problems.

We paid cash for everything. But there wasn't enough of it. Merril gave us only a hundred dollars a week to purchase food for a family of six wives and thirty children who were eating at home. (At this point he had ten more children who were married and gone.) Tammy and I were now doing most of the family shopping. Merril's daughters were only too glad to let us take over the ch.o.r.e. Everyone else in the family would give us their lists of personal items, from shampoo to toothpaste. But we didn't have enough money to feed the family, let alone purchase extras.

Tammy and I talked about the chaos that had engulfed the household. It had always been bad, but now that we were hungry it was worse. Merril's teenage daughters, those fabled nusses, were not living fairy-tale lives. Instead they were Cinderellas who were forced to stay at home cooking, cleaning, and babysitting.

They were sullen and resentful. They were also responsible for making the meals, baking bread for the family, doing most of the children's laundry, and washing all the dishes. What compounded their hostility was that when Merril came home with Barbara on weekends he'd gather his wives around him for a steak dinner. He basked in our adoring attention while we sipped red wine. None of us ever drank more than two gla.s.ses-some, barely a half-but it was still a treat.

Drinking alcohol was a point of departure between the Mormon Church and the FLDS. There is a principle in the faith called the "word of wisdom" that bans all alcoholic beverages and hot drinks. I was taught as a child that the mainstream Mormon Church did not start adhering to the "word of wisdom" until after it renounced polygamy and celestial marriage. Those of us adhering to the tenets of the FLDS practiced the older beliefs and felt following the "word of wisdom" was optional. Many of us in the fundamentalist faith drank coffee, tea, beer, and wine, all of which is strictly forbidden in mainstream Mormonism.

The only way Merril's daughters could express their resentment over being treated like maids was in the careless way they did their work. The house was cleaned sporadically; most of the time it was filthy. The dishes usually got done because one of the wives would get so fed up she'd do them herself. We rarely had enough bread because they never baked enough. With nearly twenty children in grade school and younger, it was almost impossible to keep up with the laundry. It had to be done on a schedule. But that never happened. The children's bedrooms were a mess. Dirty clothes were strewn everywhere. The house looked like the dumping ground it was.

Despite her pandering to Merril and Barbara, Tammy hated the chaos we dealt with every day. We decided to tackle what we could to bring more order to our lives. "I like to get up in the morning," Tammy said. "I'm usually up by five, so there is no reason why I can't fix breakfast every day. I can also bake a batch of bread the night before. When there is no bread in the house, it feels like there's nothing to eat. While I'm waiting for the bread I'll mop the kitchen floor."

"The thing that is driving me crazy is dinner," I said. "The babies are crying and I can't feed them because someone is cooking dinner in the kitchen and won't let the babies be fed until that's finished. We never eat until after eight and sometimes not until midnight, which is unacceptable." I wasn't eager to take on the responsibility, but said I'd make dinner every night.

We still had the issue of money. There simply wasn't enough cash. Tammy and I decided to triage the shopping list and purge it of all personal items. People would have to go without. We had children still in diapers, which took a big bite out of our budget.

I planted a huge garden that summer and we managed to eat every meal from its harvest. We bought flour for bread and had some beans in the cellar, bottled vegetables, and fruit. But despite our best efforts, the tension at home because of sheer want kept building.

Rather than appreciating our efforts, Merril and Barbara were offended. Merril made it clear that Tammy and I should have checked with Barbara before we implemented changes in the daily household routine. Merril once refused to eat dinner because I hadn't checked with Barbara before preparing it. I could not believe the ego of that man.

I didn't think of him as my husband, a gift from G.o.d. I thought of him as "that man," an egocentric bully whom I had been forced to marry, someone who had control over my life and my body. I hated depending on him financially. I still believed in my religion, but I knew Merril wasn't following it the way he should. I knew the way he treated me and his other five wives was wrong, and yet he was a powerful man in the FLDS. I felt frustrated and confused.

The breaking point came after a few months of running on empty. We had been out of things such as shampoo, toothpaste, and soap for weeks. Once winter came and the garden froze, the only food we had left in the house was cracked wheat, which we ate for breakfast, and the makings of tomato sandwiches, which we had for lunch and dinner. We'd picked the green tomatoes just before the frost and let them ripen in buckets. Every day we'd sort through them looking for some that were ripe enough to eat. I thought that once Merril realized we couldn't feed ourselves from the garden now that it had frozen he'd be more attentive to the family. I was wrong.

Merril and Barbara were still living large in Page. Whatever money Merril did make fueled their lifestyles and appet.i.te for dining out and drinking wine. Barbara never had to scrimp or save. Barbara was so selfish, I thought she probably enjoyed eating in fancy restaurants while we were struggling at home.

I was nursing Betty but very worried about Arthur. He was losing weight from lack of food. I also feared that if I didn't get enough to eat I'd be unable to produce enough breast milk for Betty. I knew there was absolutely no money for formula.

When Merril came home that November we had been in a deteriorating crisis for two months and our food supply was dwindling. Merril called all six wives into his office for a meeting. He decreed that only Barbara could implement changes in family policies or a.s.sign jobs. Merril was enthusiastic in explaining that now Barbara would preside over every detail of family life.

"I have one question," I said when Merril finished. "How can every one of us check in with Barbara before we tie our shoes if she's rarely at home? I need to understand how this is going to work at a practical level."

Merril's neck reddened and his face hardened. He was angry and started scolding me for questioning his decision. Merril hated to be challenged.

None of the other wives spoke. But I knew they were as fed up with the abuse and degradation as I was.

When Merril finished his tirade against me I looked at him and said, "Well, maybe since all there is to eat in this house are tomato sandwiches I will call Barbara while she's eating a steak dinner with you and ask her for permission to make tomato sandwiches for dinner. That way everything can be done just the way she wants it."

If Merril had a gun he would have aimed it at me. I was scared of him, but I'd been pushed to the point where I didn't care. Merril was seething. "Don't you accuse me! You act like a tomato sandwich isn't something that is good to eat!"

I'd touched the untouchable and spoken the unspeakable. They were feasting while we were nearly starving.

Everyone else in the room was so quiet I thought they were holding their breath. I was undeterred. I rarely stood up to Merril or Barbara, but when I was pushed too far, I had no fear of confronting them. I was fed up with their cruelty and constant put-downs. Merril's other wives would complain once in a while, but he always belittled them and made it so painful they were disinclined to do it again. I think what was starting to crack open in me was my authentic self. I had been in survival mode. In a cult, you have two ident.i.ties: your cult ident.i.ty and your authentic self. Most of the time I operated from my cult ident.i.ty, which was pliant, submissive, and obedient. But when I was pushed to the point where it felt like my survival was at stake, my authentic self came to the fore. The worse life became in Merril's family, the more confidence I found in my authentic self.

In a steady and sure voice I said to Merril, "If tomato sandwiches are so wonderful, then why aren't you and Barbara eating them for lunch and dinner like the rest of us?"

That was the shout that brought down the avalanche. The other women piled on in what became known as "the famous tomato sandwich fight." My courage enabled the other women to find their own. They told Merril how unfair it felt to them to turn over whatever income they had and not receive anything in return. Their children were hungry, and they were, too. How could we be asked to sacrifice while Barbara and Merril lived like royalty? Barbara looked appalled and disgusted by what we were saying but let Merril do the talking.

Several wives complained that most of the young children in the home were Barbara's and that she needed to be more engaged in raising them. In short, she needed to start acting like their mother. Cathleen said she was finished combing out the long, tangled hair of Barbara's daughters before school each morning. Tammy demanded to know why Barbara only gave orders and never did anything to help around the house. We made it clear that she was not a good example for the rest of the wives.

Barbara started crying when she came under attack from the rest of us, and got up and left. Merril was incensed and scolded us for humiliating her.

He berated us for quite a while until we all just stopped talking. Finally he demanded to know what we thought the answers were if we weren't going to do what he wanted us to. We said we had to have money to feed the kids and we couldn't go on indefinitely without being able to buy personal items. Merril finally agreed to give us more money for groceries, but he made it clear that we'd be paying a price down the road for what we had done. His threat was meaningless, however. Merril knew he had pushed us too far; he also knew we needed money to live.

Our morale improved when we were able to buy food again. Sometimes we'd get money for personal items, but often not. It became a running joke among us.

I knew Merril was terribly angry at me for sparking the insurrection. I also knew that he held grudges and when the right moment came he'd lash out at me. I wasn't proud of what I'd done. We had been reduced to fighting for food. I thought it was completely hypocritical that Merril would let a large family like ours go hungry while he and Barbara were indulging themselves in Page.

I had been subst.i.tute-teaching for four months when a permanent job opened up teaching sixth grade. The following year I was transferred to the second grade. There were other, more qualified teachers on the list for openings, but I got it because of Merril's high standing with the prophet, which was derived from his father's prominence. His father, who was known as Uncle Rich, was the apostle who was next in line to the prophet.

I loved finally having my own cla.s.sroom. It was the one and only place in my life where I was in control of my environment on a daily basis. But I hated leaving my children at home in mediocre care. Merril's teenage daughters were watching Arthur and Betty, but I knew their hearts weren't in it. Worse still, Merril's daughters treated my children as second-cla.s.s citizens, and that upset me. The girls were often belligerent when I asked them something about Betty and Arthur, which increased the anxiety I felt about the overall situation.

Merril had several older daughters-former nusses-who were my age and still unmarried in their early twenties. Tension was building in FLDS communities in Colorado City, Hildale, Salt Lake, and Canada because there were so many girls who were getting older and were still unmarried. The prophet usually arranged hundreds of marriages for girls every year. But when Uncle Rulon became head of the FLDS he fell behind in arranging marriages. Part of the problem was that he'd always lived in Salt Lake City and didn't know most of the families who lived in Colorado City and Hildale.

Parents feared that if their daughters weren't a.s.signed in marriage they would begin to think that they could choose someone for themselves. When complaints were made to Uncle Rulon, he told fathers to place their daughters in marriages themselves. We all knew this was what was happening, but no one spoke of it because it was against the precepts of the FLDS. A man could receive revelations from G.o.d about his family, but only the prophet received divine revelations about matchmaking.

Merril took several of his wives with him to Salt Lake City when he went for the priesthood meeting on the third weekend of the month. Tammy and I were sharing a hotel room. The night of the priesthood meeting she came into our room in a daze. Tammy sat on the bed and stared at the wall, trancelike.

"Tammy, is something wrong?" I asked.

She walked over to a table and cradled her head in her hands. A few moments later she pounded her fist on the table. "Yes! There's something wrong and I'm a bad person for feeling this way."

I was perplexed and could not imagine what might have happened.

Tammy turned to me with tears streaming down her face. Uncle Rulon had just married Bonnie, who was Barbara and Ruth's little sister. Bonnie was in her early twenties; Uncle Rulon was in his early eighties.

Tammy grabbed a Kleenex and wiped the tears from her face.

"Carolyn, I can't stand this! This is what happened to me and I hate to see it happening to another girl. I know what it is like to have to marry a man who is so much older. You don't have anything in life to live for anymore." Her chest was heaving with sobs. All the grief in her life from having had to marry Uncle Roy when she was a young girl overwhelmed her. Tammy's life had been stolen from her just as Bonnie's was being stolen now.

Tammy had been eighteen and Uncle Roy eighty-eight when she was a.s.signed to him in marriage. She told me that Uncle Roy was so old he had only slept with her a few times in the decade that they were married. During most of their marriage he was sick and bedridden. Tammy never felt she had any kind of relationship with him at all.

Being the wife of the prophet of G.o.d is a very public position, and every move a woman makes is monitored. If you are a younger wife, that scrutiny is compounded by the fact that all of your sister wives, who are old enough to be your mother, act superior, if not outright disdainful, toward you.

When Tammy stopped sobbing she said, "It feels like her parents took her like a lamb to slaughter and sacrificed her purely for the purpose of having a daughter married to the Prophet of G.o.d." With that she left the room and said she was going outside for some fresh air.

I saw Bonnie a few times in public after her marriage to Uncle Rulon. The light was gone from her eyes. She was wearing even more restrictive clothing and looked distressed. It was as if her being had been evacuated. My stomach began churning and I felt sick. Bonnie was a year younger than I was and had always been a beautiful girl who sparkled with life. Now she looked so alone and forsaken. I knew how difficult it was to marry a man thirty years my senior, but the thought of being a.s.signed to someone who was sixty years older was as horrifying as it was incomprehensible.

Word was moving around the community now that fathers were arranging most of the marriages. The prophet had hardly any involvement with where girls were going or to whom. Our lives were currency for other people to spend.

I remember my surprise one day about nine months later when I heard that Loretta, one of Merril's daughters, was going to be married, because he had several who were still unmarried and older than she. When I asked him whom Loretta was marrying, he turned to me with a smile. "Well, it's Uncle Rulon."

I sat down, too shocked to stand. I didn't want to make a scene because marriages were supposedly arranged by G.o.d, so I quickly threw the switch to erase any emotion from my face. I did not dare let Merril know what I was thinking. But I knew in my bones that he had arranged this marriage. Tall and thin, with a mane of jet-black hair, Loretta had striking features and was one of Merril's most beautiful daughters.

My first memory of her was seeing her in high school as a staunch member of the nusses. She lived and breathed Fascinating Womanhood Fascinating Womanhood and was well-versed in the art of manipulating a man. Now she was about to marry the most powerful man in the FLDS who, at eighty-two, probably wouldn't even notice if the Dixie cup dispenser was right side up or not. and was well-versed in the art of manipulating a man. Now she was about to marry the most powerful man in the FLDS who, at eighty-two, probably wouldn't even notice if the Dixie cup dispenser was right side up or not.

Loretta seemed to accept her fate without much enthusiasm. She began making her wedding dress as soon as she learned about her imminent marriage, which was to take place within days.

Merril decided that the entire family would go to Salt Lake City-all six wives and some thirty children. The wedding was that night, and we set out in the morning in a caravan of six or seven cars and trucks. Merril had been promising his children a trip to a fishing farm en route to Salt Lake City. He decided this was the time to do it.

This was idiotic because there weren't enough older children to help the younger ones with their lines and poles. Within minutes, there was a tangled blur of lines both in the water and out. Hooks were caught in clothing and hair. It was mayhem. The farm was well stocked with fish, but we caught only two.

After we left the fishing farm, one of the cars in our caravan broke down, which slowed us even more. Loretta was beside herself. This was not just any wedding. Uncle Rulon was obsessed with punctuality. He had no tolerance for people who were late, and now Loretta had missed her own wedding and felt disgraced.

Merril performed the marriage the following evening at Uncle Rulon's home. As an elder in the FLDS, he had that power. It was a huge event, with about a hundred people in attendance. Loretta looked stunning in a modest white wedding dress with elegant lace trim. Uncle Rulon wasn't strong enough to stand for the wedding. He sat in an armchair. Loretta sat in a chair beside him. His wizened old hand held hers in the patriarchal grip, which is symbolic of the way he will hold her hand when he resurrects her into heaven after death.

Merril was beaming. Now he had direct access to the prophet. I had always known Merril was hungry for power. But I had never understood how voracious an appet.i.te he had or how much human sacrifice it would require.

My Patriarchal Blessing

A woman's destiny in the FLDS is handed to her in two ways. She is a.s.signed in marriage by the prophet who's told by G.o.d the name of her husband-to-be. But even before that happens, usually sometime in her early teenage years, a woman is given a patriarchal blessing, which explains her purpose in life. woman's destiny in the FLDS is handed to her in two ways. She is a.s.signed in marriage by the prophet who's told by G.o.d the name of her husband-to-be. But even before that happens, usually sometime in her early teenage years, a woman is given a patriarchal blessing, which explains her purpose in life.

When Merril's younger daughters were getting their patriarchal blessing I realized that, for whatever reason, I'd never had one. I asked Merril if he'd arrange for me to have one. He was surprised that I hadn't and agreed to ask one of the three patriarchs in the community to schedule an appointment for me. A patriarch ranks third in the FLDS hierarchy, after the prophet and his apostles.

The prophet receives revelations for people at large or for the entire community. While the prophet will tell an individual whom G.o.d wants him to marry, he doesn't get involved in revealing the futures of each young person in the community. That responsibility is divided up among the patriarchs. In our community, there were three patriarchs who gave blessings.

Women never talked too much about their blessings. The information was supposed to be kept private because we believed that if you talked too much about it you could compromise the blessing. From what I'd heard, most young women were told that they would become a faithful wife and a mother in Zion, raising faithful children up to the Lord.

My blessing was much different.

It was bestowed on me by Joseph Barlow, a son of the former prophet. Merril took me to his home and we went into a private room. I sat in a chair and the patriarch put his hands on my head. In a deep voice he began by saying, "The purpose of this blessing is to learn the will of G.o.d concerning his daughter Carolyn, the daughter of Arthur and Nurylon Blackmore."

He told me I was a direct descendant of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Jesus Christ. "The pure blood of Jesus Christ runs through your veins," he said in a sober tone. I was surprised but not quite sure how to feel. I had heard that this was told to some people in their blessings. It seemed like a privilege, but I had no idea why.

In my preexistence, I'd been one of the choicest spirits, held in reserve for the last days to be part of ushering in a thousand years of peace. In my mortal lifetime, I would see Christ live again on earth. The patriarch told me I'd been selected for this gift because in my preexistence, I had been an enormous influence in casting the devil out of heaven. I was an intelligent spirit before I came to earth and my intelligence had been put to good use during the war in heaven against the spirits who stood against G.o.d.

I listened intently. I was expecting to hear a lot about marriage and children. This felt much bigger.

My intelligence was the reason G.o.d had chosen to use me again on earth. Apparently one of my talents was discernment. The patriarch told me I could look at people and know when I met them if they were good or evil.

Because of my gifts, there were many spirits on the other side who were watching over me. These spirits would give me opportunities to see things and would make me aware of dangers. The reason for this was that G.o.d intended to use me to protect his people in the last days. I was also going to be put to work in the temple and be responsible for many people receiving their priesthood training.

There was more. I was told that I'd be working with the ten tribes when they returned to earth and many of them would be personally trained by me. It was a great honor to live until the time of the ten tribes, and being engaged in their education was a rare privilege.

As if these responsibilities weren't enough, I was told that some of the most precious spirits from the other side were waiting to come to earth as my children. The blessing continued as the patriarch told me that educational opportunities would continue to come my way and that I would end up as a valiant member of G.o.d's chosen.

These blessings were contingent on my remaining faithful until the end of my life. In return, I had the promise that I would be lifted up on the last day and protected.

After my blessing was over I felt confused. Not many women in the FLDS had ever lived lives that were valued as having an impact on others in their community. My blessing sounded like a destiny I wasn't really seeking.

Merril never asked me about my blessing. I'm sure he a.s.sumed it was nothing special.

Hawaii: Seven Days but Only Two Nights

The moment I heard that Merril was planning a trip to Hawaii I knew there would be trouble in paradise. But I underestimated what an unmitigated disaster it would turn out to be.

I was upset when I heard about the trip for the first time at my father's house. My dad and Merril had become business partners again after my marriage. They'd worked together before on a deal that turned out badly and my father decided he was never going to do business with him again, but after my marriage their partnership accelerated. They were investing in motels, rest homes, and a restaurant or two. They would often travel together to check on their businesses. Six months before, they'd gone to Washington, D.C. Merril took Barbara with him. He usually always traveled with Barbara because she was the love of his life.

But now he had three more wives and the pressure was on him to include more than just Barbara on his trips. Merril had an image to protect. In the FLDS culture, a man is supposed to treat each of his wives equally. There's always favoritism, but in theory a family is supposed to be united behind the husband, who's called the priesthood head. A woman's only avenue to G.o.d is through her husband. We were raised to believe we could not receive direct revelations from G.o.d on our own. Whatever G.o.d had to communicate or reveal to a woman could be transmitted only through her husband. This doctrine was una.s.sailable and had been so for generations in the culture I was born into.

If a man shows favoritism or appears not to be in control of his family, it damages his image in the community and opens him up to accusations that he does not have the spirit of G.o.d within him. One of the reasons Merril tried to keep us all pregnant was that it created the illusion that he was having a relationship with each of us. But that was a myth. The reality was he loved Barbara and no one else. Merril was a polygamist in body but a monogamist in soul. He enjoyed the power polygamy gave him, and as a narcissist, he craved the attention. But Barbara was the only woman he ever loved.

When I heard about the Hawaii trip, I knew there would be no way Merril could take Barbara with him so soon after their trip to Washington. At my father's I heard that my father had paid for extra tickets so Merril could take three wives. I was furious. No one ever traveled with multiple wives. It never worked. It was an insult and humiliating to think that Merril was even considering taking three wives. I told both my mothers I didn't want to go. My mother accused me of being ungrateful and said I didn't know what my father had gone through to see that I was included on the trip. I still didn't care. My father knew Merril was unfair to his wives but he didn't know to what extent. He sensed my unhappiness but not the depth of it, and I think he believed the trip might give me hope that things would get better.

I was twenty-two and thought this would probably be the only big trip I'd ever have in my lifetime. Merril was unfair in doling out rewards in his family, and Barbara was so clearly his favorite wife I knew that he'd continue to travel with her as often as he could. As women, we had no right to travel by ourselves. I didn't want to share what would most likely be the only major trip of my lifetime with two other of Merril's wives.

Tammy got wind of the trip within days and confronted Merril immediately in his office. Like me, she was outraged that he was taking three of us.

"If Carolyn's father is paying for this trip, then Carolyn should go. Anyone else who comes along is just an intruder," Tammy said.

Merril was unfazed. "This is my trip and I can invite whomever I choose. If I choose to invite my lovely wife Tammy, I would think she would be honored to accept the invitation."

Tammy shot back in a rare burst of self-a.s.sertiveness, "How can you say that like a compliment? You are inviting me on the trip to destroy Carolyn's opportunity to have a trip with you. How is that a compliment?"

Merril was furious. "This is not not Carolyn's trip. You, Tammy, are out of order for trying to tell me what I can and cannot do with my family. Carolyn has a right to go with me alone only if that's what I want her to do. You have a responsibility to be obedient to your husband, but you do not have any right to ask questions!" Carolyn's trip. You, Tammy, are out of order for trying to tell me what I can and cannot do with my family. Carolyn has a right to go with me alone only if that's what I want her to do. You have a responsibility to be obedient to your husband, but you do not have any right to ask questions!"

Cathleen was equally incensed when she found out that one of the tickets was in her name. She called Merril at his office in Page and said she should be the sole wife traveling with him to Hawaii. Cathleen called from a phone in the house that was very public and was talking so loudly we all could hear. She felt ent.i.tled to go alone because she had only ever taken short trips with Merril. There was no logic to her argument-she was just angling to get a trip for herself. We all had been married to Merril for about four years. If the trip had been based on seniority, then I should have been the one to go alone because I'd been married to Merril seven months longer than they.

By the time Cathleen finished talking to Merril she was in tears and stormed off to her room.