HE.--"No, indeed! Is it--er--recent enough for congratulations?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: UNLUCKY SPEECHES

SHE.--"What a disagreeable thing that insomnia must be! Very trying, I think! Do _you_ ever suffer from it, Captain Spinks?"

HE.--"Oh, dear, no. I can sleep anywhere, at any time! Could go off _this moment_, I a.s.sure you...!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: FIN DE SIeCLE

"That's where poor Mrs. Wilkins used to live!"

"Why '_poor_' Mrs. Wilkins?"

"Well, her husband was killed in that horrid railway accident, don't you remember?"

"Oh, but that was _months_ ago!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CUP OF TEA AND A QUIET CIGARETTE AFTER LUNCH]

[Ill.u.s.tration: PRECEDENCE IN VANITY FAIR

The lady guests go in to dinner with the host and young Sir John and young Sir James and the Hon. d.i.c.k Swiveller, while the hostess naturally takes the arm of her nephew, Lord Goslin (_just from Eton_), so that, as the party is just two ladies short, Dr. Jones, the great historian, and Professor Brown, the famous philologist (_whose wives have not been asked_), bring up the rear together.

THE DOCTOR.--"Well, Professor, we may be of less _consequence_ than the rest, but at all events we're the _oldest_ and the most renowned!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THINGS ONE COULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE

PUZZLED HOSTESS.--"I beg your pardon, Lord Bovril, but _will_ you tell me whether I ought to take _your_ arm, or Prince Sulkytoff's, or the Duke's?"

LORD BOVRIL (Lord-Lieutenant of the County).--"Well--a--since you ask me, I must tell you that--a--as her Majesty's representative, _I_ am bound to claim the honor! But I hope you won't for a moment suppose that I'm fool enough--a--to care _personally_ one rap about that sort of thing!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: DANCING MEN]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ILL-CONSIDERED UTTERANCES

WELL-PRESERVED ELDERLY COQUETTE.--"Ah! Admiral, _what_ a good time we had there, junketing and dancing and flirting! It all seems like yesterday! Do you remember the Carew girls, and your old flame Lucy Masters, and that poor boy Jack Lushington, who was so desperately in love with _me_?"

THE ADMIRAL.--"Indeed I do, dear Lady Maria! And to think of their all dying ... years ago!... _And of old age, too!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN EQUIVOCAL COMPLIMENT

LADY PRATTLER (_a confirmed first-nighter, to actor-manager_).--"I congratulate you on your success last night, Mr. McStamp!... How good you were! It was all charmin'--so light, so bright, so well put on the stage!... And oh! _such nice long entr'actes_, you know!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: PROFESSIONAL BEAUTIES OF THE PAST

HOUSEKEEPER (_showing visitors over historic mansion_).--"This is the portrait of Queen Catherine of Medici--sister to the _Venus_ of that name...."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE GONDOLETTE]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A FESTIVE PROCESSION

Meet of the Four-in-Hand Club, Hyde Park, London.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE JOYS OF HOSPITALITY

JENKINS.--"Good heavens! Why, there's that brute Tomkins! The skunk! I wonder you can ask such a man to your house! I hope you haven't put him near me at dinner, because I shall cut him dead."

HOSTESS.--"Oh, it's all right. He told me all about you before you came in."

JENKINS.--"Did he? What did he say about _me_, the ruffian?"

HOSTESS.--"Oh, nothing much--merely what you've just been saying about _him_."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TOO KIND BY HALF

HE.--"Oh, I've long given up dancing for my _own_ sake. I only dance now with those unlucky girls that don't get partners. Who's that young lady behind you?"

SHE.--"My daughter."

HE.--"Pray, introduce me!"]