He never wanted her to be afraid or put her through what he'd done to her two years ago.

Unfortunately, this time he was scared also. Dammit. If he were alone, he would slam his fist into the wall. But he wasn't, and it couldn't be helped. He took deep breaths, trying to slow his heart rate. He knew Lori had her hand over his chest and was gauging his weird mood.

Something like this wouldn't get by her, and he couldn't blame her. If he hurt her again, she would kick his a.s.s goodbye and possibly suffer irrevocable damage.

On the flip side, if push came to shove and he had to send her away to keep her safe, he would do it in a heartbeat. Even if he shattered her heart in the process.

It would kill him, but knowing she was safe was all that mattered.

He ran through several of the conversations he'd had today, trying to make sense of what the f.u.c.k had gone wrong in his life and why the h.e.l.l the universe was so against him.

Lori lay stiff beside him. He knew she wasn't sleeping. She was sharp. She smoothed her fingers across his chest as it pounded, as though her touch could calm him. And it did, in a way. But not enough.

Nothing could ease his mind tonight. Not even s.e.x.

He squeezed her shoulders.

"Jude?" The one word held so many questions.

He kissed her forehead and held her tighter. "It's all right, baby. Just go to sleep."

But it wasn't and he was fooling no one.

He closed his eyes, promising himself he would only rest them until she was asleep. In her arms he felt comforted. Maybe he could let his guard down entirely and rest like a normal human being.

Jude's heart beat so hard he was sure others could hear it. He glanced at his men surrounding him and took a deep breath. Something wasn't right. They'd entered this bunker to take out the enemy and his men unaware, and they'd succeeded.

Why did he feel so uneasy? It was over. He stepped around bodies, kicking them to make sure they were indeed limp-dead. Finally he reached the side of the most important one in the group. The leader. The b.a.s.t.a.r.d responsible for thousands of civilian deaths. The monster who held no regard for human life.

A chill went down Jude's spine as he pondered his own involvement in taking lives. He'd killed to avoid more killing. The irony made him smirk as he leaned over the blank face of the mastermind of years of unnecessary torture and murder.

Suddenly the room grew dimmer, the walls seeming to fade around him. The pile of bodies seemed to grow taller, mounting disproportionately in the small room.

His pulse increased as he stared in disbelief. The face of his enemy changed from the blank, open eyes of death to red b.a.l.l.s of anger.

The dead b.a.s.t.a.r.d jerked to a sitting position and grabbed Jude's leg with both arms so fast he had no chance of escape. He fought, tugging on his ankle, trying to free himself to no avail. The a.s.shole reached higher. Jude felt the heavy burden, unable to move as though gravity rooted him to the spot. He started to topple. He screamed...

Lori jerked awake when she heard the scream. Her heart pounded as she turned toward the sound.

Jude lay next to her, covered in sweat, his body jerking as though he were running. And he kept screaming, his arms thrashing about, making it difficult for her to avoid an unintentional slap to the face.

"Jude!" She called his name, but he didn't respond. She would have shaken him if she could have gotten close enough without becoming a victim of his nightmare. The last thing she needed was a black eye.

She scooted out of his reach and then stood next to the bed, flipping on the lamp. "Jude." She tried his name again. He showed no signs of hearing her.

She left the room, dashing into the bathroom and grabbing a cup next to the sink to fill with water. Moments later, she was back. The bed was a disaster. Jude flailed his arms and legs, screaming incoherent words.

Lori paused for only a second before she tossed the water on his face.

That did it.

His eyes shot open and he bolted upright, gasping for air as though he hadn't taken a breath in minutes. In reality, he'd been screaming so long he'd had no choice but to breathe.

Eyes wide, Jude jerked his gaze around the room. His chest heaved. "What the f.u.c.k?" He wiped his hand down his wet face. Finally he seemed to see Lori, his gaze landing on her as his shoulders slumped. He looked down at the bed, surveying the damage. "s.h.i.t."

"You had a nightmare."

"I bet." He jerked the wad of covers tangled around his legs and eased to the side of the bed, exhaustion clear in his movements, as though he'd just gone for a long run. "Was it bad?"

"Um, I'd say yes." She stayed where she was. Illogically she still had a sense of concern for her own safety.

Finally he lifted his gaze to hers. "I'm sorry."

She furrowed her brow. "It wasn't your fault. People have bad dreams. Though I must say I've never experienced one of that magnitude. Whatever you were dreaming about, it must have been horrific." She tried to relax her stance, but something told her this was important.

Jude took deep breaths. Finally he stood and walked past her, entering the bathroom and closing the door.

A chill raced down her spine, and she wrapped her arms around her middle and rubbed her biceps. Had Jude just brushed her off?

She slowly made her way back to the bed and straightened the sheets and blankets to their original positions, but she didn't climb under the covers yet. Even though she felt cold, she couldn't bring herself to lie down.

Several minutes pa.s.sed before Jude returned. His shoulders hung low and he padded toward her and took her in his arms. He threaded his fingers into her hair and nestled her head against his chest. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay."

"I've been trying to avoid such a scene since you got here."

"Is that why you never sleep?" She lifted her gaze, setting her chin against his chest.

He nodded. "I've been having nightmares for a while. I didn't want to scare you. I should have told you, but..."

"You didn't want to appear weak." She narrowed her gaze at him. "Is that how shallow you think I am?" She squirmed free of his clutches and held him at arm's length. "Surely you can give me more credit than that. You've always told me that honesty was the most important part of a D/s relationship. Avoiding sleep and keeping your problems secret is hardly honest."

He nodded. "You're right. I should have told you. I felt like my reappearance alone, coupled with upsetting your life and flipping it like a pancake, was enough to toss your way so quickly. I kept putting off telling you." He tipped his head toward the ceiling. "I have some post-traumatic stress disorder thing. Sometimes I wig out in my sleep."

She stroked his face. "This isn't a sign of weakness, you know. It's not something you can control. I would never think less of you for it."

Finally he lowered his gaze to hers. A small smile formed on his lips. He threaded both hands into her hair and kissed her lips tenderly. "You're an amazing woman," he whispered as he set his forehead against hers. "How did I get so lucky...twice?"

She swallowed the lump forming in her throat at the way he looked at her. "Anything else I should know?"

He shook his head. "My tendency to enact my worst fears during my sleep in the form of violent thrashing about isn't enough?"

She chuckled.

"Willing to risk sleeping with me some more?"

"Of course." She eased from his grip and tugged him toward the bed. "Maybe now that the cat is out of the bag, you can actually sleep occasionally instead of propping your eyelids open. Have you only been resting when I'm at work?" She flipped off the lamp as she snuggled back under the covers.

"Not even then," he said as he climbed in beside her and pulled her against him. "I don't like the sensation even alone. It takes me forever to shake the images that pop into my head."

"Wanna talk about it?" She shivered as she asked that question, wishing he would open up to her while at the same time concerned about agitating him right after his nightmare. Whatever the f.u.c.k he'd been through, it had obviously been unpleasant.

"Not a chance. That would only increase my anxiety and perpetuate the problem."

She exhaled. "Okay, but I'm here if you need me. And I'm a good listener." She smiled into his chest as she calmed down, gripping him tight to keep him safe from whatever demons haunted him in the night.

It took her a long time to fall back asleep. In fact, for once Jude was fast asleep before her. His breaths slowed after long minutes. Lori stared at nothing in the dark room for over an hour before she let her eyelids relax and eased into dreamland.

Chapter Fourteen.

Lori left earlier the next day and the second the door shut behind her Jude left also. He headed straight for Emergence.

When he entered, Carlton was at the front. The man lifted one eyebrow but didn't smile. "He's in his office."

Jude hated the rift between him and the man he'd counted as a friend for years, even before Lori came onto the scene. It hurt. But it couldn't be helped. At least that's what he'd told himself.

Jason glanced up from his desk as Jude rapped on the door frame. "Can I come in?"

"Of course. Please." He motioned for Jude to take a seat. "Everything okay?"

Jude stepped in slowly and paused before he sat, swallowing. He hadn't quite figured out what he was going to say, and no matter how late he'd stayed up plotting this conversation, he was tongue-tied now.

"Jude? Is Lori okay?"

Jude nodded. "She's fine." He sat heavily. He needed a drink. "I have encountered a problem."

"With Lori?" Jason leaned forward, confusion furrowing his brow.

Jude shook his head. "No. With my return to this city."

Jason paused and Jude looked him in the eye.

"f.u.c.k." Jason slammed his hands on the desk. He shook his head. "Don't f.u.c.king tell me you're leaving again, 'cause I'll kick your a.s.s right here, right now."

Jude stared at his old friend without moving. Finally he picked up the paperweight sitting on the corner of Jason's desk and tossed it back and forth between his hands just to have something to do while he thought about his next words.

"Jude Cavanaugh, you're on my last f.u.c.king nerve. If you hurt her again, so help me G.o.d."

Jude jumped from the chair, turned around and hurled the weight against the far wall. It went straight through the drywall. He paced, running his fingers through his hair. His hands were tied. There wasn't a G.o.dd.a.m.n thing he could do at this moment. Coming here had been a waste of time.

What he really hoped for was that Jason was a smart enough guy to figure out what the h.e.l.l Jude's life was all about on his own. Uttering a word was completely out of the question, but Jason, he knew more than he realized. He was just so consumed about his concern for Lori that he couldn't see Jude's problems for what they were.

That was the b.i.t.c.h of it all.

"G.o.dd.a.m.n wall. I just repaired it from punching through it myself." Jason stood. He sounded relatively calm.

Jude stopped pacing and turned to him. He stared him in the eye. "Jason, you know me, man. You know me well. We were best friends for years."

Jason nodded. "That's why it hurts so much to see you p.i.s.sing on Lori. I can't understand it."

Jude stared at him. Please, dude, think. You know me.

"Tell me. Whatever it is, maybe I can help."

Jude shook his head. Jason wasn't catching on. He didn't get it.

Jude had to get out of here before he broke something else. He needed to go for a long run and clear his head a bit. Why had he even come to Jason in the first place?

Because it was your only hope.

"If anything happens, promise me you'll take care of her."

Jason stood still forever. Finally he nodded, his shoulders drooping.

Jude walked away. He stopped at the door and held both sides of the frame, not turning around. "Jason, you know me. Better than you think." And with that he walked away.

Carlton growled at him on the way out. The man would have heard part of the rant from the front of the club.

As Jude pa.s.sed, he turned toward Carlton. He wanted to say so many things. But speaking to Carlton would be like beating his head against a brick wall. The man was too p.i.s.sed to see beyond his own anger.

Jude shook his head and left. Mother f.u.c.ker. Wasted trip.

Jason stood rooted to the spot, staring at the door as if Jude were going to rematerialize in the entrance. What the f.u.c.k had just happened?

He thought through the entire meeting and came up with nothing except that Jude was off his rocker. The man had said very little. He'd been the most frustrated Jason could remember. And he'd repeated twice that Jason "knew" him. What the f.u.c.k did that mean?

He paced in the same spot Jude had vacated. h.e.l.l yes, I know him. At least I thought I did. "What the f.u.c.k is he talking about?" He said that last part out loud to no one.

Lori. s.h.i.t. He was going to hurt her again. d.a.m.n it. It didn't seem he'd done anything rash yet, but it was on his radar as a possibility...as though it was out of his control. As though... Jason stopped pacing and stared at the hole in the wall. Jude hadn't just thrown the paperweight through the wall; he'd hit the exact spot Jason had pounded with his fist two weeks ago.

Jason stepped closer. He smoothed his hand down the wall to the repaired area of drywall. Dead on. How? Coincidence?

You know me, man...

It suddenly seemed as if the thrown paperweight hadn't been a random act of frustration. But why would Jude aim something at the wall intentionally?

"You okay, boss?" Carlton's voice came from behind.

Jason stood. "Did Jude say anything to you?"