Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel. 14.12b So Jonathan and his armor bearer crawled out of their hole and began to kill Philistines.

Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him. 14.13 They killed about 20 of them, all in an area of half an acre or so, which is not too bad for a very first slaughter.

That first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow. 14.14 The thing that bothers me about this story is the "first slaughter" part. Because if this was Jonathan's very first slaughter, what was he doing in the last chapter?

Jonathan smote the garrison of the Philistines that was in Geba. 13.3 64. G.o.d forces the Philistines to kill each other 1 Samuel 14.15-20 Estimated Number Killed: 1,000 Philistines After helping Jonathan with his first slaughter (which wasn't really his first, but Oh well), G.o.d took over the killing himself. He didn't have much choice if he wanted to get the killing done, because there were only two swords in all Israel at the time, Jonathan's and Saul's. And it's hard to kill Philistines with only sticks and stones.

So it came to pa.s.s in the day of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with Jonathan his son was there found. 1 Samuel 13.22 But G.o.d had a plan. He'd force the Philistines to kill each other (and throw in an earthquake for dramatic effect).

And there was trembling ... and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling ... And the mult.i.tude melted away, and they went on beating down one another... Every man's sword was against his fellow, and there was a very great discomfiture. 14:15-20 After the Philistines killed each other, the Israelites must have gathered up their swords and spears, because by the end of the same chapter Saul is fighting everybody at once, "vexing" them all.

So Saul ... fought against all his enemies on every side, against Moab, and against the children of Ammon, and against Edom, and against the kings of Zobah, and against the Philistines: and whithersoever he turned himself, he vexed them. And he gathered an host, and smote the Amalekites, and delivered Israel out of the hands of them that spoiled them. 14.47-48 (I guessed that G.o.d forced 1000 Philistines to kill each other. But since the Bible doesn't say that G.o.d was involved in the second killing, I didn't include it on the official list.) 65. The Amalekite genocide 1 Samuel 15.2-9 Estimated Number Killed: 10,000 Amalekites Nothing much needs to be said about this one.

You only need to read the first three verses from 1 Samuel 15 to know for sure that the G.o.d of the Bible is evil. (Thank goodness he doesn't exist!) Still, it is good idea to look at the story in context.

(Bible believers often tell us to look at the context. But context nearly always makes Bible stories worse, not better. This story is no exception.) Samuel also said unto Saul ... Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I remember that which Amalek did to Israel, how he laid wait for him in the way, when he came up from Egypt. Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and a.s.s. 1 Samuel 15.1-3 Notice that Samuel speaks here for G.o.d. Why would anyone believe that then or now? Was it because it sounded like something G.o.d would say?

And if the genocide was so important to G.o.d, why didn't he tell Saul directly?

But let's a.s.sume that the Bible is right and Samuel quoted G.o.d correctly. If so, then (unlike many of G.o.d's killings) we know why G.o.d wanted Saul to kill all the Amalekites-because G.o.d remembered what their ancestors did hundreds of years before they were born (they defended themselves when the Israelites tried to kill them and take their land).

And Saul pretty much did as G.o.d commanded. He sent 210,000 soldiers to kill everyone and everything among the Amalekites: men, women, children, babies, animals-except for the king, Agag, and some of the more valuable sheep, oxen, and lambs.

Saul gathered the people together ... two hundred thousand footmen, and ten thousand men of Judah. ... And Saul smote the Amalekites ... And he took Agag the king of the Amalekites alive, and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword. But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs, and all that was good, and would not utterly destroy them: but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly. 15.4-9 Saul killed the old men, the pregnant women, the children and babies. But he spared the king and some animals. And G.o.d would never forgive him for it.

Samuel cried his little eyes out all night and G.o.d repented of making Saul king.

Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. And it grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night. 15.10-11 It's good to know that G.o.d repented. When you order someone to commit genocide for stuff that happened centuries ago, you should be a bit sorry about it.

But that wasn't what G.o.d was sorry about. G.o.d wanted all of the Amalekites killed. In some sick way it made G.o.d happy every time an old Amalekite woman or a little baby was killed.

No, G.o.d repented of making Saul king because he didn't kill everyone, and G.o.d wanted everyone killed.

And if you believe in the Bible, you wanted them killed, too.

[If this Bible story is true (which it isn't, of course), how many Amalekites were killed at G.o.d's command? I originally gave it the usual 1000 for a standard ma.s.sacre, but Saul sent 210,000 soldiers to do the killing. He wouldn't send that many soldiers to kill only 1000 civilians, would he? So I increased it to 10,000.]

66. Samuel hacks Agag to death before the Lord 1 Samuel 15.32-33 Number Killed: 1 Agag Saul ruined G.o.d's last killing (65) by not killing all the Amalekites. G.o.d wanted a complete genocide, and Saul blew it by keeping one man alive (along with a few animals that he planned to kill later for G.o.d). Poor Samuel was so upset that he tore his skirt and cried all night.

It grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night. 1 Samuel 15.11b Samuel ... laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent. 15.27 But according to the story, it wasn't G.o.d that told Saul to commit genocide. It was Samuel. Samuel said "thus saith the Lord" and Saul was stupid enough to believe him. And believers have followed along ever since.

After the genocide, Samuel just kept making nasty s.h.i.t up and blaming it on G.o.d.

Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. 15.10-11a The LORD sent thee on a journey, and said, Go and utterly destroy the sinners the Amalekites, and fight against them until they be consumed. 15.18 The commandment of G.o.d that Saul broke was "Thou shalt kill everyone, man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and a.s.s."

Thus saith the Lord of hosts ... Go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and a.s.s. 15.2-3 So Samuel had to finish the holy genocide by hacking Agag to pieces before the Lord.

Then said Samuel, Bring ye hither to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came unto him delicately. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past. And Samuel said, As the sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless among women. And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal. 15.32-33 Samuel was a monster. But he was a hero to G.o.d and still is to all Bible believers.

67. In the valley of Elah: Goliath 1 Samuel 17.49-54 Number Killed: 1 Goliath After Samuel cried all night and tore his skirt over Saul's incomplete genocide (65), he finished the job the next day by hacking Agag to pieces before the Lord (66).

But G.o.d and Samuel were still upset by the whole thing. It broke their little hearts. After all, G.o.d told Saul to kill all the Amalekites, and Saul saved one guy alive, along with some animals he planned to sacrifice to G.o.d later on. (How would you feel if you told someone to commit genocide and then they went and left one person alive?) Samuel never saw Saul again (not with his clothes on, anyway a See 1 Samuel 19.24), but he "mourned" for him. And G.o.d repented of making Saul king.

Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death: nevertheless Samuel mourned for Saul: and the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel. 1 Samuel 15.35 So G.o.d and Samuel found another king, someone who would gladly kill anyone at any time for any reason, a man after G.o.d's own heart: David.

I'm going to skip the details about how G.o.d and Samuel selected David so I can get on with the story at hand. But since the same pair (G.o.d and Samuel) that conspired to produce the Amalekite genocide (65) selected David as king, you know it was a good selection!

When Samuel anointed David as king, the Spirit of the Lord came on David and it was with him for the rest of his life. At the same time, of course, the Spirit of the Lord departed from Saul and was replaced by an evil spirit from G.o.d, as required by the first law of spiritual thermodynamics.

Then Samuel took the horn of oil, and anointed him ... and the Spirit of the LORD came upon David from that day forward. ... But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him. 16.13-14 This dastardly evil spirit from G.o.d caused Saul lots of problems. And only one thing seemed to help: David and his harp.

David came to Saul, and stood before him: and he loved him greatly ... And Saul sent to Jesse, saying, Let David, I pray thee, stand before me; for he hath found favour in my sight. And it came to pa.s.s, when the evil spirit from G.o.d was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him. 16.21-23 And now we finally get the story I'm supposed to be telling. The one you already know. David and Goliath.

It begins with a Philistine named Goliath, who was a big guy, even by NBA standards. At 6 cubits and a span, he would have been about 3 meters (nearly 10 feet) tall.

There went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span. 17.4 Goliath had a plan to limit the smiting that was always going on between the Philistines and the Israelites-a fair fight between two guys: him and whomever the Israelites chose.

He stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me. If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us. 17.8-9 David heard about it and volunteered for the job. It might have had something to do with the reward.

David Spake to the men that stood by him, saying, what shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncirc.u.mcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living G.o.d? 17.26 And the men of Israel said ... it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father's house free in Israel. 17.25 (I know, the verses are out of order, but hey, this is the Bible.) Then Eliab, David's oldest brother, said that David was just doing it because he had a proud, naughty heart and wanted to get out of watching the sheep.

Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart. 17.28 But David ignored Eliab and went to talk to King Saul.

David finds Saul and offers his services as giant killer but Saul is skeptical.

David said to Saul ... thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine. And Saul said to David, Thou art not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him: for thou art but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth. 17.32-33 So David tells him a confusing story about how once, while tending sheep, he killed a lion (and a bear?) with his bare hands. G.o.d helped him kill the lion (and the bear?); he'll do the same with the 10 foot giant.

David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock: And I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him. Thy servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncirc.u.mcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he hath defied the armies of the living G.o.d. David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. 17.34-37a So Saul gives David the job, putting his own sword, helmet, and coat of mail on him.

Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee. And Saul armed David with his armour, and he put an helmet of bra.s.s upon his head; also he armed him with a coat of mail. 17.37b-38 But David wasn't used to it, so he decided to go with just his staff, a sling, and five stones instead.

David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them. And David put them off him. And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd's bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine. 17.39-40 As he was leaving, Saul said to his captain Abner, "Who's son is that boy?"

When Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell. And the king said, Enquire thou whose son the stripling is. 17.55-56 [In the previous chapter (1 Samuel 16), Saul sent a messenger to tell Jesse to send his son David; David came and played his harp for Saul to get rid of G.o.d's evil spirit, and Saul "loved him greatly" for it. Yet now he doesn't even know who David is.]

So David goes off and confronts Goliath, after making a little speech.

Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the G.o.d of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied. This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a G.o.d in Israel. And all this a.s.sembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands. 17.45-47 And you know the rest of the story: David killed Goliath, cut off his head and brought it to Jerusalem.

David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth. So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David. Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their champion was dead, they fled ... And David took the head of the Philistine, and brought it to Jerusalem. 17.49-54 (There is a completely different Bible story about Goliath's death, but I'm going to ignore that for now. 2 Samuel 21:19 says that Elhanan killed Goliath.) Note: Although the Bible doesn't explicitly say that G.o.d helped David kill Goliath, David claims that he did. ("This day will the Lord deliver thee into mine hand." 1 Sam 17.46) But whatever G.o.d's involvement may have been in this killing, he clearly approved of it. So I'm including it on the list.

68. David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins 1 Samuel 18.27 Number Killed: 200 Philistines After David killed Goliath, Jonathan fell in love with him.

The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 1 Samuel 18.1 He loved him so much, in fact, that he stripped off all his clothes and gave them, along with his bow and sword, to David.

Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle. 18.4 Of course, Jonathan wasn't alone in this. Everyone loved David because he behaved so wisely.

David ... behaved himself wisely: and Saul set him over the men of war, and he was accepted in the sight of all the people, and also in the sight of Saul's servants. 18.5 One day when David was returning from slaughtering Philistines, the young women from all the cities of Israel came to greet him. They danced and sang a song that went like this: Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands. 18.7 Saul didn't like the song, though, because he, like G.o.d, was proud of his killings. So it p.i.s.sed him off when the dancing girls praised David for killing ten times more than him.

Saul was very wroth, and the saying displeased him; and he said, They have ascribed unto David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed but thousand. 18.8 So Saul was out to get David from that day forward.

Saul eyed David from that day and forward. 18.9 Anyway, the next thing you know G.o.d's evil spirit is back and is all over Saul again. And guess what he did this time: he prophesied.

The evil spirit from G.o.d came upon Saul, and he prophesied. 18.10a While Saul prophesied under the influence of G.o.d's evil spirit, "David played with his hand" and Saul tried to kill him by throwing a spear at him. Twice. But he got away.

David played with his hand, as at other times: and there was a javelin in Saul's hand. And Saul cast the javelin; for he said, I will smite David even to the wall with it. And David avoided out of his presence twice. 18.10b-11 Since Saul couldn't kill David with his spear, he figured the next best thing would be to give David his oldest daughter as a wife.

Saul said to David, Behold my elder daughter Merab, her will I give thee to wife. 18.17 But David refused to take her.

David said unto Saul, Who am I ... that I should be son in law to the king? 18.18 So he tried another daughter, Michal, who like everyone else "loved David." But David refused her, too.

Michal Saul's daughter loved David: and they told Saul, and the thing pleased him. And Saul said, I will give him her ... And Saul commanded his servants, saying, Commune with David secretly, and say ... be the king's son in law ... And David said, Seemeth it to you a light thing to be a king's son in law, seeing that I am a poor man, and lightly esteemed? 18.20-23 Finally Saul came up with a deal that David just couldn't refuse. He offered to sell Michal for 100 Philistine foreskins.

Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. 18.25 And this "pleased David well."

And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well. 18.26 He was so pleased, in fact, that he got a bit carried away and paid twice the asking price.

Wherefore David arose and went ... and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 18.27 After David paid Saul the 200 foreskins, Saul knew for sure that "the Lord was with David." (How else could David get so many foreskins?) And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David. 18.28 69. The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines 1 Samuel 23.5 Estimated Number Killed: 10,000 Philistines This one is pretty simple. David heard that the Philistines were fighting the city of Keilah and robbing their threshing floors. So he asked G.o.d if he should go and smite them. And G.o.d said, "Yes, go smite them."

David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the LORD said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines, and save Keilah. 1 Samuel 23.2 But David's men were afraid of Philistines.

And David's men said unto him, Behold, we be afraid here in Judah. 23.3 David asked G.o.d again, and G.o.d said, "Go smite them; I will deliver them into your hand."

Then David enquired of the LORD yet again. And the LORD answered him and said, Arise, go down to Keilah; for I will deliver the Philistines into thine hand. 23.4 And so David went to fight the Philistines and he "smote them with a great slaughter."

So David and his men went to Keilah, and fought with the Philistines, and brought away their cattle, and smote them with a great slaughter. 23.5 (Since this was "a great slaughter, I added another 10,000 to G.o.d's total.) 70. G.o.d killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff) 1 Samuel 25.38 Number Killed: 1 Nabal After his last killing (69), David tracked down Saul and snuck in while Saul was "covering his feet" (the biblical equivalent of "going to the bathroom") and cut off the end of Saul's skirt.

Saul went in to cover his feet ... Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily. 1 Samuel 24.3-4 This feat impressed Saul so much that he said: Thou art more righteous than I ... And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king. 24.17-20 And I suppose that I'd be pretty impressed too, if someone cut off my shirttail or something with a sword while I was doing my business without me even noticing.

After David's amazing bathroom caper, he hung out "in the wilderness" with a gang of outlaws. While there, he heard about a rich man named Nabal and decided to send ten of his "young men" to pay him a visit. So they went and introduced themselves to Nabal and told him to give them whatever he owned.

Give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David. 25.8 But Nabal was on to their protection racket. He refused to give his belongings to people he didn't even know just to get them to go away and leave him alone.

Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master. Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 25.10-11 When David heard about it, he swore he'd kill Nabal and all of his men (everyone that p.i.s.ses against a wall).

So and more also do G.o.d unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that p.i.s.seth against the wall. 25.22 Meanwhile, Nabal's wife, Abigail, decided to go visit David and try to smooth things over a bit. She brought lots of food and wine.

Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred cl.u.s.ters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on a.s.ses. 25.18 And the bribe worked. David said that he no longer planned to kill every last swinging d.i.c.k (those that p.i.s.s against the wall).

Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that p.i.s.seth against the wall. 25.34 Abigail returned home and found that Nabal was partying with his friends, celebrating his freedom from David's extortion. She waited until he woke up the next morning, since he was too drunk the night before to tell him what had happened. (That she gave David a huge bribe to keep him from killing Nabal and his men.) When she told him, he had a stroke or heart attack and was paralyzed.

In the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became as a stone. 25.37 About ten days later, G.o.d killed him.

And it came to pa.s.s about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died. 25.38 When David heard that Nabal was dead, He said, Blessed be the LORD ... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife. 25.39 So G.o.d killed Nabal and David got his wife and all his other stuff.

(Actually he got two new wives, Abigail and Ahinoam, along with five other "damsels." But Saul gave away his first wife to some other guy. So, for those keeping score, I guess he gained seven wives and lost one. I don't know what happened to all the wall p.i.s.sers.) 71. David commits random acts of genocide (as a mercenary for the Philistines) 1 Samuel 27.8-11 Estimated Number Killed: 60,000 Six genocides In 1 Samuel 24, David snuck in and cut off Saul's skirt while he (Saul, that is) was defecating. And Saul didn't even notice.

Yeah, well, that worked out so well for David that he decided to try something like it again. This time, though, he snuck into Saul's camp and stole his sword and water jug while Saul was sleeping.

So David and Abishai came to the people by night: and, behold, Saul lay sleeping within the trench, and his spear stuck in the ground at his bolster: but Abner and the people lay round about him ... So David took the spear and the cruse of water from Saul's bolster; and they gat them away, and no man saw it, nor knew it, neither awaked: for they were all asleep; because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them. 1 Samuel 26.7-12 Not nearly as impressive, I'd say. Especially when you consider that "a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them." That sounds like cheating to me.

But Saul went gaga over it, just like he did for David's last trick. Here's what he said when David waved Saul's sword and water jug in front of him: I have sinned: return, my son David: for I will no more do thee harm, because my soul was precious in thine eyes this day: behold, I have played the fool, and have erred exceedingly. ... Blessed be thou, my son David: thou shalt both do great things, and also shalt still prevail. 26.21- 25 But David still didn't trust Saul, so he decided to join up with the Philistines. And every day he and his men would go out and slaughter people. The Philistine king would ask him, "Hey David, who'd you slaughter today" and he'd say, "Oh the south of Judah, or the Jerahmeelites, or the Kenites, or the Geshurites, or the Gezrites, or the Amalekites, or the Egyptians."

And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites ... even unto the land of Egypt. ... And Achish said, Whither have ye made a road to day? And David said, Against the south of Judah, and against the south of the Jerahmeelites, and against the south of the Kenites. 27.8-10 He was a killing machine. Every day he slaughtered thousands of people for the Philistines. And he killed everyone: women, children, babies, the aged, the sick, the poor. Everyone.

And David saved neither man nor woman alive. 27.11 So the Philistine king, Achish, loved David because David killed Israelites along with everybody else.

And Achish believed David, saying, He hath made his people Israel utterly to abhor him; therefore he shall be my servant for ever. 27.12 (David brags about at least six genocides in 1 Sam 27.8-10. So I'll add another 60,000 to the total, 10,000 for each genocide.) 72. David spends the day killing Amalekites 1 Samuel 30.17 Estimated Number Killed: 1,000 Amalekites While David was hanging out with the Philistines performing daily acts of genocide for them (71), disaster struck. The Philistines were attacked by the Amalekites.

That's right, the Amalekites. You know, the ones that G.o.d hates more than any other people, and that's saying something since G.o.d hates everyone except for the Israelites (and he hates them sometimes, too).

How much does G.o.d hate the Amalekites? Well, just listen to him.

The LORD hath sworn that the LORD will have war with Amalek from generation to generation. Exodus 17.16 Thou shalt blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven; thou shalt not forget it. Deuteronomy 25.19 Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and a.s.s. 1 Samuel 15.2-3 So we know for sure that G.o.d hates Amalekites. That's why he ordered the Israelites to kill them all. And the Israelites did just that (65, 66).

Yet here, just a few years after they were completely killed in a G.o.d-ordered genocide, they attack the Philistines. I guess sometimes you have to kill people several times to make sure they're not merely dead, but positively, absolutely, undeniably, reliably, and sincerely dead.

What I find especially interesting in this story, though, is that the Amalekites show some mercy to the Philistines. Rather than utterly destroying them, slaying "both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and a.s.s" as G.o.d told the Israelites to do (65), they "slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way."

The Amalekites ... slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way. 1 Samuel 30.1-2 Yet the most common excuse that believers give for G.o.d's genocidal commands on the Amalekites is that the Amalekites were so evil that they all had to be killed-even their woman, children, infants, and babies.

When David and his merry men return to Ziklag (the Philistine city that the Amalekites destroyed), they wept until they couldn't weep any longer.

So David and his men came to the city, and, behold, it was burned with fire; and their wives, and their sons, and their daughters, were taken captives. Then David and the people that were with him lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep. 30.3-4 Then they got up and talked about stoning David to death.

David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him. 30.6 Meanwhile, David asked a priest to use his ephod to ask G.o.d what he should do. (An ephod is sort of a biblical version of a magic eight ball or a coin toss. It only works on yes or no questions.) David said to Abiathar the priest, Ahimelech's son, I pray thee, bring me hither the ephod. And Abiathar brought thither the ephod to David. And David enquired at the LORD, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake them? 30.7-8a So the priest got out his trusty ephod and asked G.o.d if David should kill the Amalekites. G.o.d said "Heck Yeah. Go kill the Amalekites (one more time) and get back all your wives and other stuff."

He answered him, Pursue: for thou shalt surely overtake them, and without fail recover all. 30.8b So that's what they did. David and 400 of his men (he left 200 behind because they were just too tired to kill people) spent the day killing Amalekites. They killed them all, except for 400 guys who escaped on camels.

David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day: and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men, which rode upon camels, and fled. 30.17 So David got back all of his stuff, including his two wives.

David recovered all that the Amalekites had carried away: and David rescued his two wives. 30.18 And he shared the plunder will his men, even those that were too tired to kill.

David was such a nice guy. You can see why G.o.d liked him so much.

(The text doesn't say how many Amalekites were killed. I'll just say 1000.) 73. G.o.d killed Saul (and his sons and soldiers) for not killing all the Amalekites 1 Samuel 31.1-4 Estimated Number Killed: 100 Saul, his sons (Jonathan, Abinadab, and Melchishua), and his soldiers In G.o.d's 65th killing, Saul killed every Amalekite man, woman, child, infant, and baby a just like G.o.d told him to. Well, almost anyway. He kept one guy alive: King Agag. And G.o.d never forgave him for it.

Because Saul didn't completely perform G.o.d's commandment (to commit complete genocide on the Amalekites), G.o.d repented of making Saul king and gave his kingdom to David.

But that wasn't the only punishment G.o.d had in mind. Now G.o.d just needed to find a way to tell Saul about it.

He did it through a dead man (Samuel) who was brought back to life by a witch.

Samuel's ghost told Saul that tomorrow G.o.d would kill Saul and his sons by delivering the Israelite army into the hands of the Philistines.

Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore ... the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me [i.e., you and your sons will be dead]: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines. 1 Samuel 28.18-19 Well, I don't know if it was the next day or not but the Philistines attacked and the Israelites "fell down slain in mount Gilboa."

Now the Philistines fought against Israel: and the men of Israel fled from before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa. 1 Samuel 31.1 So that left Saul and his sons. G.o.d took care of Saul's sons by having the Philistines kill them. (I know it sounds cruel, but they deserved it since their father saved one Amalekite alive and G.o.d told him to kill them all.) The Philistines followed hard upon Saul and upon his sons; and the Philistines slew Jonathan, and Abinadab, and Melchishua, Saul's sons. 1 Samuel 31.2 Saul must have been especially hard for G.o.d to kill, though, because he had to do it four different ways.