The angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, thou mighty man of valour. 6.12 And then G.o.d joined in.

The LORD looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee? ... And the LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt smite the Midianites as one man. 6.14-16 So Gideon has a three-way conversation with the angel and G.o.d, but he doesn't believe either of them. He demands a sign.

Shew me a sign. 6.17 But first, he runs off to slaughter a goat. And then, guess what happened.

Then the angel of the LORD put forth the end of the staff ... and touched the flesh and the unleavened cakes; and there rose up fire out of the rock, and consumed the flesh and the unleavened cakes. 6.21 Yep. The angel touched the b.l.o.o.d.y, dead goat and it burst into flames.

A neat trick, but it still didn't convince Gideon. He needed another sign to prove that G.o.d wasn't lying to him. So he put some wool on the ground and asked G.o.d to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry.

Gideon said unto G.o.d ... Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. 6.36-37 And G.o.d pa.s.sed that test, no sweat.

And it was so: for he rose up early on the morrow, and thrust the fleece together, and wringed the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water. 6.38 Now you might think that would be enough proof for Gideon. But no. He's still not sure he can trust G.o.d, so he asks G.o.d to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry.

Gideon said unto G.o.d, Let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew. 6.39 And G.o.d did that trick, too!

And G.o.d did so. 6.40 So G.o.d pa.s.sed all of Gideon's tests and Gideon and G.o.d got down to business. But first, they had to find some accomplices.

I'm not sure how this could happen, but in Judges it always happens this way. The Israelites were enslaved, but somehow they managed to keep a huge, well-equipped army. I guess they did this so they'd be ready when they cry out to G.o.d and he decides to kill the guys that he sold them to.

Well, this time is no different. The Israelite slaves had a big army, too big, in fact, for G.o.d's liking. He worried that if they killed all the Midianites with a big army, no one would believe that it was G.o.d that did the killing. And G.o.d wants all the credit for his killings.

The LORD said unto Gideon, The people that are with thee are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel vaunt themselves against me, saying, Mine own hand hath saved me. 7.2 So G.o.d tells Gideon to get rid of some of the men. Start with the chicken s.h.i.ts.

Now therefore go to, proclaim in the ears of the people, saying, Whosoever is fearful and afraid, let him return and depart early from mount Gilead. And there returned of the people twenty and two thousand; and there remained ten thousand. 7.3 That got rid of 22,000. But 10,000 were still there, which was still too many. But G.o.d had a plan.

G.o.d told Gideon to have the soldiers go down to the water to get a drink. Those that lap the water "as a dog lappeth" are the natural-born killers that he's looking for, while those that get down on their knees to use a cup or their hands should be sent home.

So he brought down the people unto the water: and the LORD said unto Gideon, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself; likewise every one that boweth down upon his knees to drink. 7.5 So Gideon had them all go down to the water to get a drink. Out of the 10,000 non-chicken s.h.i.ts, only 300 lapped water like a dog. Those were the few good men that G.o.d was looking for.

The number of them that lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, were three hundred men ... And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you. 7.6-7 You see, G.o.d knows that real men pee standing up and lap water like dogs.

Now the Bible tells us that there were gazillions of Midianites. They were like gra.s.shoppers. Like the sands of the seash.o.r.e. Like that.

The Midianites and the Amalekites and all the children of the east lay along in the valley like gra.s.shoppers for mult.i.tude; and their camels were without number, as the sand by the sea side for mult.i.tude. 7.12 Which is strange since G.o.d killed every male Midianite during the time of Moses (26), and yet here, 250 years later, they flourish like gra.s.shoppers "without number."

Was Gideon worried about attacking a gazillion Midianites with 300 water lappers?

No. Because some guy had a dream about barley cakes and tents, and that guy told some other guy about the dream that he had, and then later Gideon heard about it.

Behold, there was a man that told a dream unto his fellow, and said, Behold, I dreamed a dream, and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell, and overturned it, that the tent lay along. And his fellow answered and said, This is nothing else save the sword of Gideon ... for into his hand hath G.o.d delivered Midian, and all the host. And it was so, when Gideon heard the telling of the dream, and the interpretation thereof, that he worshiped, and returned into the host of Israel, and said, Arise; for the LORD hath delivered into your hand the host of Midian. 7.13-15 But enough with the dreams. It's time to get down to killing. Gideon gives each dog-lapper a trumpet and a pitcher with a lamp in it.

He ... put a trumpet in every man's hand, with empty pitchers, and lamps within the pitchers. 7.16 And tells them: When I blow with a trumpet ... then blow ye the trumpets also on every side of all the camp, and say, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. 7.18 And that's what they did.

And the three companies blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers, and held the lamps in their left hands, and the trumpets in their right hands to blow withal: and they cried, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. 7.20 Great idea, eh? But it didn't really do anything. It was G.o.d that did all the dirty work by forcing the gazillions of Midianites to kill each other.

The LORD set every man's sword against his fellow. 7:22 The story gets a bit confused after that. Two princes are caught, decapitated, and their heads are brought to Gideon.

They took two princes of the Midianites, Oreb and Zeeb; and they slew Oreb ... and Zeeb ... and brought the heads of Oreb and Zeeb to Gideon. 7.25 Then the princes of Succoth question Gideon's leadership.

The princes of Succoth said, Are the hands of Zebah and Zalmunna now in thine hand, that we should give bread unto thine army? 8.6 And he promises to come back and torture them later.

Gideon said,Therefore when the LORD hath delivered Zebah and Zalmunna into mine hand, then I will tear your flesh with the thorns of the wilderness and with briers. 8.7 Then Gideon defeats Zebah and Zalmunna (the Midianite kings).

When Zebah and Zalmunna fled, he pursued after them, and took the two kings of Midian, Zebah and Zalmunna, and discomfited all the host. 8.12 And then comes back to Succoth to torture the elders (like he promised he would) and kill the men in their city.

He took the elders of the city, and thorns of the wilderness and briers, and with them he taught the men of Succoth. And he ... slew the men of the city. 8.16-17 Gideon then tells his oldest son to kill Zebah and Zalmunna.

He said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared. 8.20 But he ends up having to do it himself, since his son was a chicken-s.h.i.t, cup-drinking, sit-down-pee-er.

Gideon arose, and slew Zebah and Zalmunna. 8.21 But at least we are told that 120,000 Midianites were killed in the whole wet-fleece, water-lapping, trumpet-blowing, pitcher-smashing, the-Sword-of-the-Lord-and-of-Gideon episode.

There fell an hundred and twenty thousand men that drew sword. 8.10 Sorry that was so long. But at least now you know why the Gideons chose Gideon as their namesake.

They're f.u.c.king crazy.

(There were probably more than 120,000 killed in this one, if the people of Succoth are included. But I can't tell for sure that G.o.d was involved in that torture/ma.s.sacre atrocity, so I'll leave them out of it.) 49. A city is ma.s.sacred and 1000 burn to death because of G.o.d's evil spirit Judges 9.23-57 Estimated Total Victims: 2000 A ma.s.sacre, 1000 burn to death, and Abimelech is killed After Gideon died, it was time for his sons to take over. And he had lots of them.

Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. And his concubine that was in Shechem, she also bare him a son, whose name he called Abimelech. Judges 8.30-31 Which was a problem since only one son could succeed him. Luckily, Abimelech came up with a creative solution. He killed all of his 70 brothers on one stone.

Abimelech ... went unto his father's house at Ophrah, and slew his brethren the sons of Jerubbaal, being threescore and ten persons, upon one stone. 9.4-5a Well, all except one, anyway. Jotham got away.

Yet Jotham the youngest son of Jerubbaal was left; for he hid himself. 9.5b So the two remaining sons, Abimelech and Jotham, schemed against each other for control, with Abimelech winning out, becoming king.

All the men of Shechem gathered together ... and made Abimelech king. 9.6 Then G.o.d decided to get involved by sending an evil spirit.

G.o.d sent an evil spirit between Abimelech and the men of Shechem; and the men of Shechem dealt treacherously with Abimelech: That the cruelty done to the threescore and ten sons of Jerubbaal might come, and their blood be laid upon Abimelech their brother, which slew them; and upon the men of Shechem, which aided him in the killing of his brethren. 9.23-24 (Now you might think it strange that an evil spirit would be sent by G.o.d. But if so, you haven't been reading your Bible enough. In the Bible, evil spirits are either sent directly by G.o.d or their origin is unknown. The Bible never attributes evil spirits to Satan.) Things get complicated after G.o.d's evil spirit arrives. But the short story is that Shechem revolts against Abimelech and Abimelech ma.s.sacres everyone in Shechem.

Abimelech fought against the city all that day; and he took the city, and slew the people that was therein, and beat down the city, and sowed it with salt. 9.45 Except for 1000 that escape to a tower.

All the men of the tower of Shechem were gathered together. 9.47 When Abimelech found out about the people in the tower, he set it on fire, burning 1000 people to death.

Abimelech ... set the hold on fire upon them; so that all the men of the tower of Shechem died also, about a thousand men and women. 9.49 Then he went to a neighboring city, Thebez, and when the people escaped to a tower there, too, he tried to light it on fire.

Then went Abimelech to Thebez, and encamped against Thebez, and took it. But there was a strong tower within the city, and thither fled all the men and women ... And Abimelech came unto the tower ... to burn it with fire. 9.50-52 But while he was busy with that, a woman dropped a millstone and it landed on Abimelech's head, crushing his skull.

A certain woman cast a piece of a millstone upon Abimelech's head ... to brake his skull. 9.53 Abimelech saw that it was a woman, so he told a soldier to kill him since he didn't want it said that he was killed by a woman. (In the Bible, there's nothing worse than being killed by a woman.) Then he called hastily unto the young man his armourbearer, and said unto him, Draw thy sword, and slay me, that men say not of me, A women slew him. And his young man thrust him through, and he died. 9.54 So with the help of G.o.d's evil spirit, everything worked out according to G.o.d's plan.

Thus G.o.d rendered the wickedness of Abimelech, which he did unto his father, in slaying his seventy brethren: And all the evil of the men of Shechem did G.o.d render upon their heads: and upon them came the curse of Jotham. 9.56-57 Note: It's hard to keep score on this one, but I think G.o.d deserves credit for killing Abimelech, the 1000 that burned alive in the tower of Shechem, and an unknown number of people in Abimelech's ma.s.sacre of Schechem. I'll guess 2000 for the lot of them.

50. The Ammonite ma.s.sacre Judges 11.32-33 Estimated Number Killed: 20,000 Ammonites This is the fifth time that the same stupid story is repeated in Judges (See 42, 43, 46, and 48 for the others), so you know by now what's going to happen.

The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord.

The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD, and served Baalim, and Ashtaroth, and the G.o.ds of Syria, and the G.o.ds of Zidon, and the G.o.ds of Moab, and the G.o.ds of the children of Ammon, and the G.o.ds of the Philistines, and forsook the LORD, and served not him. Judges 10.6 G.o.d gets angry and sells them as slaves.

The anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them into the hands of the Philistines, and into the hands of the children of Ammon. 10.7 The Israelites cry out to G.o.d.

The children of Israel cried unto the LORD, saying, We have sinned against thee, both because we have forsaken our G.o.d, and also served Baalim. 10.10 G.o.d slaughters the people he sold the Israelites to (which is what this killing is about).

A few details change each time the story is told: the number of years that the Israelites are enslaved, the people that he sells them to, and the person that he chooses to help him with the ma.s.sacre. This time G.o.d chooses Jephthah.

As usual, everything starts to go to h.e.l.l when the spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah.

The spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah, and he ... vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. 11:29-31 Did you catch that? The spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah and he promises to kill whatever comes out to greet him if G.o.d will help him ma.s.sacre the Ammonites. G.o.d not only approved of Jephthah's vow, he inspired it.

And, of course, G.o.d comes through with his end of the deal by giving Jephthah "a very great slaughter."

So Jephthah pa.s.sed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter. 11:32-33 G.o.d delivered 20 cities into Jephthah's hand and "he smote them ... with a very great slaughter." And then Jephthah came home.

(I gave each city the usual 1000 slaughter amount, for a total of 20,000.) 51. Jephthah's daughter Judges 11.39 Number Killed: 1 Jephthah's daughter In the last killing (50), the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah and he promised that he would offer to G.o.d a burned sacrifice of whatever comes out to greet him if G.o.d would help him ma.s.sacre the Ammonites. G.o.d came through with his end of the deal by delivering 20 cities into Jephthah's hand and "he smote them ... with a very great slaughter."

When Jephthah returned home after slaughtering the Ammonites, his daughter came out to meet him.

Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances. Judges 11.34 When Jephthah saw his daughter, he tore his clothes and told her that he had opened his mouth to G.o.d.

When he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter ... for I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. 11.35 His daughter (who is unnamed in the Bible) said Jephthah should do whatever the h.e.l.l he said he'd do when he opened his big mouth to the Lord.

My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the LORD, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth. 11.36 What had proceeded out of Jephthah's mouth was, of course, a G.o.d-inspired promise to G.o.d to kill whatever greeted him. And so, by G.o.d, that's what he did. A man's got to do what a man's got to do.

And ... her father ... did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. 11.39 G.o.d inspired Jephthah to make the vow, so he expected him to abide by it. And G.o.d was so pleased when Jephthah killed his daughter for him that he decided to kill his own son for you.

But I'll save that story for later.

52. 42,000 killed for failing the "shibboleth" test Judges 12.5-6 Number Killed: 42,000 Ephraimites After Jephthah finished killing and burning his daughter for G.o.d (51) to pay G.o.d back for helping him slaughter twenty Ammonite cities (50), he ran into some Ephraimites who were angry about being left out of the Ammonite slaughter.

The men of Ephraim gathered themselves together, and went northward, and said unto Jephthah, Wherefore pa.s.sedst thou over to fight against the children of Ammon, and didst not call us to go with thee? Judges 12.1a They were so p.i.s.sed off about the whole thing that they threatened to burn down Jephthah's house.

We will burn thine house upon thee with fire. 12.1b Jephthah claimed that he invited them to join him in the G.o.d-a.s.sisted slaughter, but they didn't come.

Jephthah said unto them, I and my people were at great strife with the children of Ammon; and when I called you, ye delivered me not ... and the LORD delivered them into my hand. 12.2-3 Clearly, there was only one thing for Jephthah to do: call for a holy civil war.

Then Jephthah gathered together all the men of Gilead, and fought with Ephraim. 12.4a So that's what he did, and the men from Gilead defeated the Ephraimites.

And the men of Gilead smote Ephraim. 12.4b After the battle, Jephthah posted guards at the Jordan River where the fleeing Ephraimites would have to cross.

The Gileadites took the pa.s.sages of Jordan before the Ephraimites. 12.5a When an escaping Ephraimite would come to the crossing, the Gileadites would ask him if he was an Ephraimite. If he said, "No", they'd ask him to say "Shibboleth." (Ephraimites couldn't p.r.o.nounce it correctly. It was like asking George Bush or Sarah Palin to say "nuclear.") When those Ephraimites which were escaped said, Let me go over; that the men of Gilead said unto him, Art thou an Ephraimite? If he said, Nay; Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to p.r.o.nounce it right. 12.5b-6a Then when the Ephraimite misp.r.o.nounced Shibboleth by saying Sibboleth, they'd kill him.

Then they took him, and slew him at the pa.s.sages of Jordan. 12.6b And the Shibboleth test worked like a charm. 42,000 Ephraimites failed the test and were killed trying to cross the Jordan.

And there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand. 12.6c And they deserved it, too, for not partic.i.p.ating in the slaughter of the Ammonites, threatening to burn down Jephthah's house, failing to p.r.o.nounce "Shibboleth" correctly, or whatever.

(Note: Jephthah is one of the heroes of G.o.d in Hebrews 11, so we can be pretty sure that G.o.d approved of the whole "Shibboleth" test / holy civil war ma.s.sacre.) 53. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he murdered thirty men for their clothes Judges 14.19 Number Killed: 30 Philistines Just when you think the stories in Judges couldn't get any stupider, the next one comes along to prove you wrong.

Take the story of Samson, for example.

It starts out in the usual way, with the children of Israel doing evil in the sight of the Lord and the Lord doing what he always does in such cases: he sells them. (Except that this time the Bible says he "delivered" them to the Philistines for forty years, so maybe the Israelites were a gift and he didn't get paid for them.) The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years. Judges 13.1 Of course, after giving, selling, or renting the Israelites to the Philistines, G.o.d needed to find someone to help kill the Israelites' new owners. And that, as you probably guessed, is where Samson comes in.

(This is the first time that the third step in G.o.d's famous four-step process was skipped. At least I can't find where the Israelites cry out to the Lord. Oh well, maybe they cried out, but G.o.d couldn't hear them or just forgot to tell us about it.) Now Samson's birth was a lot like Jesus'. An angel visited his mom to announce that she was going to have a son.

The angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now ... thou shalt conceive, and bear a son. 13.3 He even came again unto her when her husband wasn't around and got her pregnant.

The angel of G.o.d came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her. 13.9 And the woman bare a son, and called his name Samson. 13.24a So Samson's birth was a f.u.c.king miracle.

Samson was one of G.o.d's special heroes. He was blessed by G.o.d and moved by the Spirit of the Lord. (Samson might have been a decent person if he could have kept the Spirit of the Lord off of him.) The Lord blessed him ... and the Spirit of the LORD began to move him at times. 13.24b-25 The first thing the Bible tells us about Samson is this: Samson ... saw a woman ... of the daughters of the Philistines ... And Samson said unto his father ... Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well. 14.1-3 Now Samson's parents were a bit troubled by this, since they knew how crazy G.o.d gets when an Israelite even thinks about marrying a non-Israelite. But then they didn't know that this was all a part of G.o.d's plan to kill Philistines.

But his father and his mother knew not that it was of the LORD, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines. 14.4 Samson was on his way to visit his new Philistine girlfriend when "the Spirit of the LORD came mightily" on him. Now in the Bible, there's pretty much only one thing that happens when the Spirit of the Lord comes upon somebody: the spirit-filled person kills something. That's what happened here.

Behold, a young lion roared against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid. 14.5-6 When he arrived at his Philistine girlfriend's place "she pleased Samson well" and then he returned home. On his way he saw the lion carca.s.s.

Behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcase of the lion. 14.8 Which, of course, was another miracle.

The spirit of G.o.d came upon Samson and he killed a lion. Then G.o.d sent bees to make honey from the dead lion's body.

Of course, it's also possible that the dead lion was covered with flies (not bees) and the putrefying flesh and maggots looked like honey to the dumb as s.h.i.t Samson. (In which case the "honey" would have been pretty nasty stuff!) But whatever it was, Samson thought it tasted pretty darned sweet. He even brought some home to his folks, although he didn't tell them where it came from.

He took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion. 14.9 The Bible doesn't actually say so, but I guess Samson married the Philistine woman that pleased him well. And they had a week-long party with thirty of Samson's new-found Philistine friends.

At the party, Samson told a riddle.

I will now put forth a riddle unto you ... Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. 14.12-14 Wasn't that a great riddle? Anyway, Samson told his guests that whoever could figure it out before the week of partying is over would get 30 sheets and 30 garments. But whoever couldn't, would have to give Samson 30 sheets and 30 garments.

If ye can certainly declare it me within the seven days of the feast, and find it out, then I will give you thirty sheets and thirty change of garments: But if ye cannot declare it me, then shall ye give me thirty sheets and thirty change of garments. 14.12-13 Now the party goers took the riddle pretty seriously. So they asked Samson's new wife to tell them the answer or they'd burn her house down.

On the seventh day ... they said unto Samson's wife, Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father's house with fire. 14.15 She finally got the answer from Samson and then she told the guys at the party.

She wept before him the seven days ... and ... on the seventh day ... he told her ... and she told the riddle to the children of her people. 14.17 So Samson didn't get his 30 sets of sheets and garments.

Samson was p.i.s.sed. He accused his guests of...well, I'm not sure what. Here's what he said: If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle. 14.18 So the party animals plowed with Samson's heifer and they found out his riddle.

And then G.o.d gets involved again.

The Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. 14.19 So Samson went to another Philistine town (Ashkelon) and, when the Spirit of the Lord came upon him, killed 30 men and took their clothes to give to the guys at his party for solving the riddle.

Oh, and then in the next verse, Samson's new wife is given to the best man at his wedding.

But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend. 14.20 So everything worked out according to G.o.d's plan. Samson's brief (1 week) marriage, the lion and honey episode, the clever riddle, and the clothing bet. It was all carefully planned by G.o.d so that, in the end, Samson would murder thirty men for their clothes.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Oh, did you get Samson's riddle? Me neither.

54. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an a.s.s Judges 15.14-15 Number Killed: 1000 Philistines In the last killing (53), we saw that Samson's brief (week-long) marriage to a Philistine woman was prearranged by G.o.d so that Samson would murder 30 Philistines for their clothes. That was the first chapter of Samson's life (Judges 14). Here's the next.

After Samson murdered the 30 Philistines, he went to his wife's house to have s.e.x with her. He even brought a young goat along to pay her for her services.

Samson visited his wife with a kid; and he said, I will go in to my wife into the chamber. Judges 15.1 But then her father had to tell him the bad news: he had given Samson's wife to one of his Philistine friends because he thought that Samson "hated" her.

Her father said, I verily thought that thou hadst utterly hated her; therefore I gave her to thy companion. 15.2a His father-in-law suggested that Samson just take his younger daughter. Heck, she's prettier anyway, isn't she?