TheJaguarsalesmantoldmeabouttheJaguarXJ220.MadeinBloxham,nearBanbury,hesaid.Only350ofthembuilt,costing480,000each.

'Each?'Irepeated.'Fourhundredandeightythousandpoundseach?'

DidIwanttoorderone?

'No,'Isaid.

'Justaswell.They'reallsold.'

IwonderedifitwereIwhowa.s.surrealandwhethermyconcussionwasworsethanIsuspected.

'Actually,'thesalesmansaid,IcametoseeifyourXJScouldbesalvaged.'

'Andcanit?'

Shakinghishead,helookedwithregretatthewhole-lookingwhiterearendofmyprideandjoy.'Imightfindyouanotheronelikeit.Thatsameyear.Advertiseforone,secondhand.Andthey'restillinproduction.Icouldgetyouanewone.'

Ishookmyhead.I'llletyouknow.'

Iwouldn'tseekatwin,Ithought.Lifehadchanged.Iwaschanging.Iwouldbuyadifferentcar.

Theflockofnotebooksreturnedtotheirvehiclesanddroveaway,leavingonlytheworkmanlikevanofthesafecrackerbesidethewreckonthetarmac.Iwentintocheckonhisprogressandroundmysafedooropenbutminusitslockmechanism,whichlaybentonthefloor.

Wediscussedthepossibilityofmendingthesafebutheadvisedmetotaketheinsurancemoneyandbuyanewerandbettermodelwhichhewouldbehappytosellme.Itwouldnot,hea.s.suredme,havealockthatcouldbea.s.saultedbyanaxe.

Hewentouttothevanforapamphletwithill.u.s.trationsandanorderform,andIsignedmynameagain.Heshookmyhand.Heaskedmetocheckthatthecontentsoftheoldsafewereuntouchedand,whenI'ddonethat,tosignhisworksheet.Isigned.

Whenhe'dgone,Iretrievedthepacketofmoneyandthebackupfloppydisksandwentintothekitchentophonethecomputerwizard.Sure,heagreed,bringthedisksinforachecka.s.soonasIliked;hewouldbeinhisworkshopallafternoonandwouldwashMichelangelooutofmyhairwithhislittlevirusscrubbers.Didallcomputerwizardstalklikethat,Iwondered?

'Great,'Isaid.

Imadecoffeeanddrankitandthoughtabit,andafterawhiletelephonedthelocalCustomsandExciseoffice.

IexplainedwhoIwas.Theyknewofme,theysaid.IexplainedthatasmyhorseboxeswentfairlyregularlyacrosstheChannel,Iwantedanup-to-datelistofwhatcouldandcouldnotbecarriedinthem,inviewoftheever-changingEuropeanregulations.Mydriverswereconfused,Isaid.

Ah,theysaidunderstandingly.Theydidn'tthemselvesdealwithimportandexport,butmostlywithtax.IfIwantedtheup-to-the-minutegenoninternationalmovementofgoodsIwouldneedtoseetheirSingleMarketLiaisonOfficerintheregionaloffice.

'Whichregionaloffice?'Iasked.

'Southampton,'theysaid.

Ialmostlaughed.Theyenlarged.TheSouthamptonregionalofficewasactuallyinPortsmouth.TheSingleMarketLiaisonOfficertherewouldanswerallmyquestionsandgivemethelatestcopyoftheSingleMarketreport.IfIwantedtogothereinperson,theysuggestedIshouldarrivewellbeforefouro'clock.ItwasFriday,theyexplained.

Ithankedthemandlookedatmywatch.Plentyoftime.IdrovetoNewbury,shoppedforaweek'sfoodandranthewizardtoearthinhisworkshop,whichprovedtobeasmallishroomhalflinedwithlargebrowncardboardboxesbearingwordslike'Fragile'or'ThiswayupALWAYS'.Abusydeskborepilesofpapers-letters,invoices,pamphlets-helddownbypublichouseashtraysusedaspaperweights.Ceiling-highbookshelvessupportedinstructionmanualsandcataloguesbythescore.Plastic-coveredleadssnakedeverywhere.Atablealongonewallboreakeyboard,twoorthreecomputers,alaserprinterandalivecolourmonitorshowingabrightrowofminiatureplayingcardsapparentlyhalfwaythroughagameofpatience.

'Blackjackonredqueen,'Isaid,looking.

'Yeah.'Hegrinned,ranhishandthroughhishair,andwithamousemovedthecardsaroundonthescreen.'It'snotcomingout,'heobserved,andswitcheditalloff.'Didyoubringyourdisks?'

Ihandedthemtohiminanenvelope.'Therearefour,'Isaid.'AnewoneforeachcalendaryearsinceItookoverthebusiness.'

Henodded.'I'llstartwiththelatest.'Hefeditintoadriveslotinoneofthecomputersonthetableandcalledupontothemonitorthedirectoryofthefilesstoredforthecurrentyear.

Mutteringunderhisbreathhepressedaseriesofkeysonthekeyboardandinawhilethescreenwasflickeringrapidlywithlettersandnumbersashescannedmydiskfordeadlystrangers.

Lonerangers,Ithought.Alienseverywhere.

'Thereweare,'hesaid,whentheflickeringsteadiedtoasinglemessage.'Scancomplete.Novirusfound.'Hegrinnedatme.'NoMichelangelo.You'resafe.'

'That's...er...rathermorethanextremelyinteresting,'Isaid.

'How?'

'Iusedthedisklasttoback-uptheworkenteredonthemainofficecomputeraweekagoyesterday,'Isaid.ThatwasMarch3rd.'

Hiseyessavouredtheknowledge.

'OnMarch3rd,then,'hesaid,'I'dsaytherewasnoMichelangeloinyouroffice.Right?'

'Right.'

'Soyoucaught.i.tontheFridayorSat.u.r.day...'Hepondered.Askyoursecretariesiftheyfedanyoneelse'sdisksintoyourmachine.Say,forinstance,someonelentthemagamedisk,likethepatiencegame,whichnooneshoulddo,really,it'saninfringementofcopyright,butsaytheydid,well,Michelangelocouldhavebeenlurkinginthegamediskanditwouldleapacrosstoyourmachineinstantly.'

'Themonitorintheofficeisblack-and-white,'Isaid.

'Kidswouldplaypatienceinblack-and-white,'hereplied.'LikeNintendo.Noproblem.Didyouhaveanykidsintheoffice?'

'Isobel'sbrother,Paul,'Isaid,rememberinghisnameonthelist.'He'sfifteen.Alwayscadgingmoneyfromhissister.'

'Askhim,then.I'llbetthat'swhereyourtroublelies.'

'Thankyouverymuch.'

'Imayaswellscanyourotherdisks,justtobesafe.'Hefedthethreeothersthroughthescanningprocess,allwithnilresults.'Thereyouare,then.Atpresentthey'reclean.But,likeIsaid,youhavetopatrolyourdefencesallthetime.'

Ithankedhimandpaidhim,tookmycleandisksouttothecarandsetoffonthedrivesouthtoPortsmouth,givingSouthamptonDocksawideberth.

CustomsandExcisewerefortunatelyhelpful,extendingtheimpressionthattalkingtothegeneralpublicmadeachangefromregularbureaucracy.Thenear-topmanIwasfinallysteeredto,whointroducedhimselfbrieflyas'Collins',offeredmeaseat,acupofteaandawillingexpression.Anofficearoundus:desk,greenplant,second-generationScandinaviandecor.

'Whatmayyourdriverscarryandwhatmaytheynot?'Collinsrepeated.

'Yes,'Isaid.

'Yes.Asyouknow,it'salldifferentfromtheoldcut-and-drieddays.'

'Mm.'

'We'repositivelyforbiddentomakespotchecksonanythingcominginfromtheEC.'Hepaused.'EuropeanCommunity,'hesaid.

'Mm.'

'Evendrugs.'Hespreadhishandsinwhatlookedlikealongstandingfrustration.'Wecanact-search-onlyonspecificinformation.Thestufffloodsin,I'venodoubt,butwecan'tdoanythingabout.i.t.CustomschecksongoodsarenowallowedonlyatthepointofentryintotheCommunity.Onceinside,movementisfree.'

'Iexpect.i.tsavesalotofpaperwork,'Isaid.

'Tonsofit.Hundredsoftons.Sixtymillionfewerforms.'Theplussidelightenedhisscowl.'Savestimetoo,savesdaysandmonths.'Hesearchedbrieflyforabooklet,founditandslidittowardsmeacrosshisdesk.'Mostofthepresentregulationsarelistedinthere.There'sverylittlerestrictiononalcohol,tobaccoandpersonalgoods.Onedaythere'llbenone.Butofcoursethere'llstillbedutyandrestrictionsofgoodsenteringfromoutsidetheEC.'

Ipickedupthebookletandthankedhim.

'WespendagooddealofourtimejugglingwithVAT,'hesaid.'Differentrates,yousee,indifferentECcountries.'

'Iwaswondering,'Imurmured,'whatonemaystillnotbringintothiscountryfromEurope,and...er...whatonemaynottakeout.'

Hiseyebrowsrose.'Nottakeout?

'Anythingthatdoesn'thavefreemovement.'

Hepursedhislips.'Somethingsneedlicences?hesaid.'Areyourdriversbreakingthelaw?'

'Icametofindout.'

Hisinterestsharpenedasifhe'dsuddenlyrealisedIwastherefrommorethannormalcuriosity.

'YourhorseboxescomeandgothroughPortsmouth,don'tthey?'

'Sometimes.'

'Andthey'reneversearched.'

'No.'

'Andyouhavethenecessarypermissions,ofcourse,tomoveliveanimalsacrosstheChannel.'

'Allthat'sdoneforusbyaspecialistfirm.'

Henodded.Hethought.'Isupposeifyourboxescarriedotheranimalsthanhorses,we'dneverknow.Yourdrivershaven'tbeenbringingincatsordogs,havethey?'Hisvoicewascensoriousandalarmed.'Wemaintainthequarantinelaws,ofcourse.Thethreatofrabiesisalwayswithus.'

Isaidcalmingly,'I'veneverheardofthembringingincatsordogs,andiftheyhaditwouldbecommonknowledgeinmyvillage,wherenewstravelsfasterthanlightning.'

Herelaxedslightly;afortyishmanwithrecedinghairandwhitecarefulhands.

Asamatteroffact,'hesaid,'thankstovaccines,noonehasdiedofrabiescontractedinEuropeforthepastthirtyyears,butwestilldon'twantthediseasehere.'

'Um,'Isaid,'whatdoyouneedalicencefor?'

'Dozensofthings.Fromyourpointofview,Isupposeveterinarymedicineswouldbeinteresting.You'dneedtogetaseparatelicenceforeachmovement,aTherapeuticSubstancelicencefromtheMinistryof.a.gricultureandFisheriesVeterinaryMedicinesDirectorate.b.u.t.therewouldbenocheckonthesubstancehereonentrythroughPortsmouth.EnforcementoflicensingwouldbeamatterforMAFFitself.'

MAFF?Oh,Ministryof.a.griculture,FisheriesandFood.ShadesofJogger.

'Well,'Isaid,'whatelseisn'tonesupposedtobringinandout?'

'Guns,'hesaid.'Therearestillexitchecks,ofcourse,forfirearmsinbaggageatairports.Noimportcheckshere.Youcouldbringinahorseboxfulofguns,andwe'dneverknow.SmugglingintheoldsensehasvanishedwithintheEC.'

'Soitseems.'

'Thereareintellectualpropertyrights,'hesaid.'That'sabouttheinfringementofexistingpatentsbetweenmemberstates.'

'Idon'tthinkmydriversareintointellectualpropertyrights.'

Hesmiledbriefly,aquickmovementoflips.'I'mafraidIhaven'tbeenofmuchhelp.'

'Indeedyou'vebeenmostkind,'Ia.s.suredhim,risingtogo.'Negativeresultsareoftenashelpfulaspositive.'

Ithought,however,asIdrovebacktoPixhillwiththeSingleMarketbookletontheseatbesideme,thatIwasasfaraseverfromunderstandingwhyanyoneshouldneedorwanttofixhiding-placesundermylorries.Ifsmugglingwasout,whatweretheyfor?

AthomeIsatinmypoorgreenleatherchairwiththestuffingcomingoutoftheaxe-holesandonebyonefedmycleandisksandtheirinformationintomynewcomputer.Then,feelingrustyandallthumbsandimpatienttobeginmylessonswiththewizard,Ilookedupmyoriginalcomputermanualsandworkedouthowtoorganiseallthedatanowinsidethemachineintovariouscategories,bothchronologicalandgeographic.

Istudiedinturneachdriver'sworkoverthepastthreeyears,lookingforIknewnotwhat.Apattern?Somethingworthdestroyingmyrecordsfor,ifthatshouldhappennottobetheworkofIsobel'sbrother.Itendedtodoubt.i.twasPaul'sdoingas,first,hewasmoreidlethanbrightand,second,Isobelwouldneverlethimplaygamesintheoffice.

ThepatternsIwaslookingforweredefinitelythere,b.u.t.toldmenothingIdidn'tknow.Eachdriverwentmostoftentotheracecoursesfavouredbythetrainerstheymostlydrovefor.Lewis,forinstance,drovemostregularlyeachsummertoNewbury,Sandown,Goodwood,Epsom,SalisburyandNewmarket,MichaelWatermead'spreferredprestigiousdestinations.AtothertimeshewentwhereBenjyUshersenthisjumpers,Lingfield,Fontwell,Chepstow,Cheltenham,WarwickandWorcester.MostofhisoverseasjourneyshadbeenforMichael,alltoItaly,IrelandorFrance.

AlthoughtherewashorseracingalloverEurope,Britishtrainersrarelysenthorsesanywherebut.i.taly,IrelandandFrance.OftenBritishrunnerstravelledbyair(andhadtobetakentotheairports),butMichaelmuchpreferredtogoallthewaybyroad;allthebetterforme.

Nigelhadmadethemostoverseasjourneys,b.u.t.thatwasmydoing,owingtohislong-distancestamina.Harvehadmadefew,bothmychoiceandhis.Davehadmadedozensasreliefdriverandhorse-handler,oftenwithbroodmaresratherthanracers.

Allinall,thecategorieswereinformativeb.u.t.toldmenothingsurprising,andafteraboutanhourIswitchedoff,aspuzzledasever.

IphonedNina,reckoningshewouldbeinherhorseboxonthewaybackfromLingfield,andsheansweredimmediately.

'PhonemewhenyougettoPixhill,'Isaidbriefly.

'Willdo.'

Endofconversation.

IphonedIsobelatherhome.Nothingunusualhadhappenedduringtheday'swork,shea.s.suredme.She'dtoldLewisthatNinawasfollowinghim,andalltheUsherhorseshadrunintherightracesatLingfield.AzizandDavehadarrivedinIrelandwiththeirmares.HarveandPhilhadeachtakenawinnertoWolverhampton,greatrejoicing.Noneoftheotherdrivershadhitsnags.

'Great,'Isaid.'Um...yourbrotherPaul...'Ivetoldhimnottobothermeatwork.'Shesoundedguiltilyapologetic.

'Yes,but,um,howishewithcomputers?'

'Computers?'

Iexplainedthewizard'sgame-virustheory.

'Oh,no,'shesaidpositively,'I'dneverlethimnearyourcomputerand,tobehonest,hewouldn'tknowhowtoloaddatainourmachine.'

'You'resure?'