He targeted the pier of a restaurant and started swimming, no longer afraid.

DOG TRAINING THE AMERICAN MALE.

LESSON FOURTEEN: UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

The water taxi had taken Nancy to a restaurant where she had caught a cab back to the Bridge Hotel to get her car, burning through an entire Adele CD on the drive home.

It was after ten by the time she keyed into her house-only to be bulldozed by Sam. Enraged, she dragged the dog into the kitchen by its cinch collar, tossing the German Shepherd out back. "I don't need you in my life anymore either!"

Entering her bedroom, she stripped off the c.o.c.ktail dress and donned her running clothes.

The dog leapt at the sliding gla.s.s door, demanding to go with her.

"Forget it!"

She grabbed her house key and stormed out the front door, her mind replaying the events of the last two hours. After a minute sprint, she settled into a steady pace, her jog fueled by anger.

How did I allow the dog up on the couch this time, Lana? I held the leash tight, kept Jacob in total control, gave him wild s.e.x . . .and he still cheated on me!

Rounding the block, she continued on a second lap.

Lean in . . . Be in control bulls.h.i.t! There is no control. Who we're born to . . . who raises us . . .who lies to us . . . who gets cancer. Tears welled in her eyes as she thought about her father.

Nancy slowed. It was late, the night quiet. She reached the end of the block and continued running.

Push through the pain. The only thing we can control is ourselves. Like you have any control . . .big hypocrite. Ratings, job, boyfriends, birth parents . . .it's all bulls.h.i.t. Life is bulls.h.i.t.

TWO BLOCKS WEST, an unmarked police car drove slowly through the neighborhood, its lights off. The cop riding shotgun signaled his partner to pull over to the curb behind a 2005 Buick LeSabre. "This vehicle wasn't here ten minutes ago. Let's run the plates."

IN THE BACKYARD, Sam whined, pacing nervously by the fence. The dog was agitated by a familiar smell in the air.

NANCY APPROACHED THE end of another block, the sidewalk disappearing behind a seven foot hedge. Still moving at a brisk pace, she followed the path-startled by a cat that jumped out from behind the row of shrubs. Her heart beating wildly, she stopped and bent over, smiling at her own fear- -her hair suddenly tearing from her scalp as she was forcibly dragged backwards through the bushes, her skull bludgeoned by an object that flooded her vision with blinking purple lights.

Nancy opened her eyes, confused. She was on her back in the wet gra.s.s, the night sky spinning, her skull throbbing.

She felt her a.s.sailant before she saw him he was straddling her hips, his weight pressing down on top of her, his red buzz-cut familiar beneath the dark hood of his running suit.

The jogger . . . the one Sam was growling at!

Oh, Jesus he's out to rape me!

She screamed-then abruptly stopped as he pressed the edge of a sharp knife to her throat. "Do that again and I'll open a vein."

She laid her head back, fighting the nausea rising up her esophagus. She heard Sam barking a million miles away; she felt her body trembling uncontrollably as he leaned in closer and whispered in her ear. "This is going to happen, do you understand? Lay back and enjoy it. Make noise and you die."

She stifled a cry as he yanked hard on her jogging pants . . .

THE DOG HAD heard the cry.

Sam repeatedly attempted to leap the fence but it was far too high. Circling the yard past the training circuit, the German Shepherd suddenly broke for the doghouse and leaped onto its A-frame roof, using it to hurdle the fence.

The dog landed hard on the other side of the fence, regained its feet and raced across the street as it picked up its master's scent- --cutting off the unmarked police car. The vehicle braked hard, its driver executing a sharp U-turn to follow the loose canine.

THE TOUCH OF alien flesh to her naked thighs was too much. Nancy opened her mouth to cry out-only her breath was taken away as a brown blur smashed into her a.s.sailant, the suddenly clear night air rent with terrifying growls and a man's screams.

Somewhere in the insanity, Nancy crawled away, her mind still shattered. She managed to hike her pants over her exposed hips and b.u.t.tocks and curl into a ball of sniffling paralysis beneath the shrub-the chaos of screams interrupted by piercing red and blue strobe lights.

The unmarked cop car screeched to a halt, its two officers moving quickly, their guns drawn, their car's searchlight revealing the German Shepherd, its teeth tearing into the jogger's blood-soaked sleeve.

"Help!"

"Partner, I've got a clear shot . . ."

Nancy snapped awake.

The two police officers were about to open fire when a woman staggered from the bushes, her clothing torn, her neck bleeding.

"Sam, heel!"

The dog halted its attack and rushed to the woman's side, sitting docilely by her right foot.

Sobbing hysterically, Nancy dropped to her knees, hugging the dog around its neck.

The cops holstered their weapons.

TWELVE MINUTES, THREE police cars, and an ambulance later, two dozen neighbors watched as a bloodied man in a jogging outfit was handcuffed to a gurney.

Nancy was seated in the back of one of the squad cars, an EMT tending to the cut along the side of her neck-the dog never leaving her side.

"It's just a superficial cut where he had the blade pressing against your neck. You'll be okay."

One of the officers from the unmarked car joined them. "We called your friend, she's on her way."

"Thank you."

"You're lucky. We've been after this guy for quite a while." He knelt by Sam and gave the dog a big hug, allowing Sam to lick his face. "Good boy. You're a good doggy."

Tears flowed down Nancy's cheeks. "He saved me. And after I was so mean to him."

"That's the great thing about dogs. Unconditional love."

A Lexus screeched to a halt by the curb. Helen and Vinnie pushed through the crowd and ducked under the yellow police tape, hurrying over to Nancy.

Helen freaked. "Oh my G.o.d, are you alright? Did he . . .?"

"No. Sam saved me."

"The dog . . .oh, thank G.o.d." Helen pet Sam, then turned to Vinnie, her emotions chaotic, and smacked him upside the head. "Why can't you buy me a big dog?"

AT PRECISELY 12:14 in the morning, the 1976 Volkswagen Van with the two tone white and tangerine-orange paint turned into the driveway and parked, expelling its driver-a bearded man wearing a soaking-wet floral shirt and tuxedo pants. He paused to remove something from the glove box, then slogged to the front door and keyed in.

Jacob found Nancy on the sofa, cuddled next to Sam. "Vin called, he told me what happened. Are you okay?"

She nodded, then stood and sobbed against his chest.

The whimpering dog nuzzled his legs.

"Nance, I swear to G.o.d, nothing happened with me and Ruby. Not tonight, not ever."

"I know. She called. She told me about the cancer. Why are you all wet?"

"I saw you speed off in the water taxi, so I leaped in after you."

"You leaped into the Intracoastal from a moving boat? You? Mr. Hydrophobia?"

"I had to catch you. Plus, I needed to get away from that crazy b.i.t.c.h, Olivia."

"Olivia Cabot?"

"She hired me to do her father's birthday party. I was going to tell you, but I figured we'd see each other aboard her yacht. Only this gay pet dude spiked my ginger ale with ecstasy, then Olivia tried to jump my bones."

"Wait . . . my boss was trying to sleep with you too?"

"What can I tell you, I'm a gray p.u.s.s.y magnet. Only it was the craziest thing-every time I tried to get away from her, I kept getting shocked . . . like I was wearing Sam's collar."

She looked at his wrist. Seeing the dive watch, she tore it loose and tossed it. "How strange? Maybe you shouldn't do her gigs anymore."

"I only agreed to take it because I needed the money . . . for this." He reached into his pocket and removed the small box he had kept in the Volkswagen's glove box the last two weeks. "For you."

She opened it-revealing a one carat diamond ring. "Jacob?"

"They say the third time's the charm. Marry me, Nancy, and I promise to put away my smelly shoes and wipe the toilet seat . . . and I'll even buy you a white foofie dog."

She wiped back tears, then leaned in and kissed him. "Thanks, but I already have a dog."

DOG TRAINING THE AMERICAN HUSBAND.

LESSON ONE: BECOMING A FAMILY.

Several dozen wedding guests filed into the sanctuary, the wedding ceremony minutes from starting. Helen located the Maid of Honor by the women's dressing room Lana dressed in a pink floral. "How's it going with the bride?"

"Nancy needs fifteen more minutes. Where's the best-man?"

"In the men's room, getting Cabot ready for my mother-in-law."

DR. VINCENT COPE was seated on a toilet, facing Truman Cabot. The old man's back was pressed against the stall door, his dress pants unraveled in a pile around his ankles, exposing his silk boxer shorts.

Peeling the paper from the back of the colostomy bag's doughnut-shaped rubber housing, Vin applied a small amount of paste, and then pressed the adhesive in place against the exposed flesh of Truman's lower left belly.

The retired millionaire fidgeted. "Are you sure your father had a colostomy bag?"

"Yes. Along with the rest of Ma's lovers. Now hold still while I snap the colostomy bag in place. Jesus, Truman, did you have to fill it with so much urine?"

"How the h.e.l.l else will she see it when I walk Nancy down the aisle?"

Spencer entered the bathroom. The dog trainer washed his hands, then checked his breath again, readying himself for his next kiss. "Ruby Kleinhenz. Best-in-show. G.o.d, I feel like a teen again."

Suddenly Spencer realized he was not alone . . .

"Slow down! You're hurting me!"

"d.a.m.n thing's hard as a rock. I need to drain it if you expect me to slip it back inside your pants."

"Don't jerk it! It'll explode all over your face."

Glancing in the mirror, Spencer saw the old man's head bouncing against the inside of the stall door.

The dog trainer gagged, and then hurried out.

SANDRA BEACH SAT in the cramped dressing room, drying her own tears as she listened to her youngest daughter. "We wanted to tell you, but what was the point? We adopted you when you were only eight weeks old. Lana was only two. How did you find out?"

"Dad told me on his death bed. He apologized for leaving Lana a larger inheritance. He said it was done . . . because she was his."

"Yes, you received less money, but that was because we paid back all your college loans . . . not to mention the down payments your father and I forfeited from two cancelled wedding ceremonies. As far as Lana being his, your father was delirious; they had him on heavy doses of morphine. He loved you just as much as your sister and was so proud when you earned all your degrees. He was your father, Nancy. Look at your face-you ruined your make-up."

Nancy dries her eyes. "I love you, mom. I guess this wasn't the best place to bring all this up."

"I should say not. Thank G.o.d Jacob's a stable man or I'd really be worried about you. Now when can I expect some grandbabies?"