Later.

At least they're feeding me. That's all they're doing, though. I'm hoping it's just that the daimyo's personal organizer is kind of full right now.

It was too late to change plans as soon as I sent that message to the daimyo, asking to stay. I had to tell it to a page he wasn't impressed that I couldn't write. Geez, what if he didn't bother to actually pa.s.s it on to the daimyo?

What if I really am being held hostage? (Maybe I should have let the Doctor talk me out of here. . . but if the daimyo did get my message, that would mean the Doctor finding out about it. My brain hurts.) My knees hurt. The many things I wish I had with me include a camp stool and a guide to j.a.panese etiquette (so I know when it's OK to sit instead of kneeling). Not to mention a j.a.panese dictionary, a CD player and my Rush collection, and a spray can of Samurai-Away, just in case.

I've gotta stay calm. Try to connect with that confidence I was feeling when the idea first hit.

Heck, maybe the Doctor even approves approves. He knows I'm one of the good guys.

It's not like the Admiral's big, doomed attempt to change history. If I can make a few little changes, help a few people here and there, I'll be doing just what he does.

Yeah. Even if the Doctor does know what I'm planning, either he thinks it's OK or he's too stressed out to care. And Chris is a mess, poor kid that'd be enough to distract anyone.

Anyway, I've gone too far to stop now. Haven't I?

106.

Chris hoped Penelope had guessed what was going on. The ride inside the cab must be h.e.l.l.

They flew across stones and tracks, the whole vehicle shaking as though it was about to fall apart. It had been designed for London's paved streets, not for a helter-skelter chase through the j.a.panese countryside.

He risked a glance back. They had lost all but a handful of their pursuers.

There were two arrows embedded in the side of the cab. Which, if she could see them, might give Penelope a hint about why they'd suddenly broken into a furious gallop.

The Doctor still had his bow. He was loosing incredibly precise shots over the top of the cab, popping up, aiming for a split second, and then launching a blunt-tipped arrow at one of their pursuers.

Some had tumbled from their horses, half stunned by the sudden impact on their armour, then stunned the other half by the rough fall. Some had lost swords or spears, knocked neatly out of their hands. The Doctor had even used a 'live' arrowhead to snip the bowstring of one of their attackers.

He hadn't even broken a sweat, loosing the arrows like he was tossing pebbles into a lake. Chris was grinning all over his face. If Zen archery taught you to make neat shots like that, it'd be worth putting up with years more of those lessons!

The Doctor was running out of arrows, but they were running out of pursuers. There hadn't been more than a dozen samurai in the patrol anyway, and maybe thirty lowercla.s.s warriors on foot.

'Just three more of them,' shouted the Doctor.

'Is there any way we can use the egg, er, Penelope's machine to escape?'

'Best to save it,' shouted the Doctor. 'Probably only one, maybe two more jaunts left in it.'

There was an almighty cracking sound. Chris almost dropped the reins.

'What the cruk?'

The Doctor twisted in his seat. 'Just two more of them,' he corrected himself.

'Penelope?'

The Doctor was nocking another of the blunt arrows. 'I'm afraid so,' he said.

'Don't look. She's leaning out of the window with her matchlock.'

The Doctor sat right up in his seat, almost standing, and Chris suddenly realized he was taking aim at Penelope's gun. He fought the urge to turn around and watch what happened next if they caught a wheel on one of those big rocks, they'd go flying.

Penelope loosed another shot. Chris expected the Doctor to let his arrow fly, but the Time Lord sat back down, letting his bowstring relax. 'They're turning back,' he said. 'She's given them a thorough scare.'

'Did she kill one of them?'

107.

'I think so. Her gun's one of the j.a.panese adaptations of the Portuguese originals. Those bullets will go right through armour.' The Doctor scowled.

'She probably thought she was doing the right thing,' said Chris.

'Of course she did,' grumbled the Doctor. 'Just trying to help.'

'And they were trying to kill us.'

'Hmmph. At least the pod didn't fall off. Goodness knows how much longer the back axle will hold out. Are we still heading in the right direction?'

'I have no idea,' Chris said.

'Right then,' said the Doctor. 'Pull over. We'll take a look at the map.'

'G.o.ddess, I enjoyed that!' said Chris, as the horses slowed. The Doctor's serious look became more more serious. 'How do you suppose Joel is getting along?' serious. 'How do you suppose Joel is getting along?'

'Oh, I'm sure he's having a marvellous time.'

Later.

Oh man, diary, I'm still wobbly.

The daimyo sent one of his pages to collect me. I got to see quite a bit of the palace I think the page was meant to give me a bit of a tour, show it off. It's huge, it's empty, it's clean. There are gardens around it and courtyards inside.

(The thing that really amazes me and is kind of frustrating are the bathrooms. They're like outhouses you get there via a paved path and they're incredibly clean. I think there's a servant whose job it is to clean the thing out every time someone uses it. And there's handmade toilet paper, and perfume. I was hoping to sell them plumbing.) They wash twice a day and they have clean toilets. These guys are civilized civilized.

On the other hand. . .

I got to see something I really really wish I hadn't. Lord Gufuu testing out his new sword. Thing is, he was testing it out on some poor b.a.s.t.a.r.d who had left him to work for the other daimyo, Umemi. Which counts as treason, of course.

The page brought me to one of the gardens a dry garden, he said. It was just raked sand and rocks and moss. We waited there.

They'd tied the poor guy up and packed sandbags around him, with just his head sticking out. Thank G.o.d he had his back to us. I really don't think I could've handled seeing his face.

Out comes Lord Gufuu with his brand-new sword, at which point I tried to make a hasty exit, only the page put his hand on my arm. Just firmly enough to let me know I wasn't going anywhere.

Gufuu took the guy's head off with one swing. No noise, just one swing, and I saw the guy's head disappear off into a flower bed. Someone ran to get it before it could bleed on the irises. Which was bad enough. But then they 108 pulled what was left of him out of the sandbags, pegged it on a mound of dirt, and Gufuu chopped him into little bits.

When he was done, he wiped off the edge of the blade and checked it, turning it so it would catch the sunshine. At first, I thought he must really hate the guy. Then I realized he was just testing the sword some more, seeing if it could get through bone without getting nicked or scratched.

(It was a bit obvious, really they wanted to impress on me the importance of loyalty, the punishment for failure, etc., etc. etc. Dear diary, it b.l.o.o.d.y worked!!!) Thing is, Dear diary, it b.l.o.o.d.y worked!!!) Thing is, I didn't throw up. I didn't throw up. I was expecting to. I kept waiting to. When we first stopped in the garden, and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks what I was seeing, I felt my lunch heading in the general direction of my head. I was expecting to. I kept waiting to. When we first stopped in the garden, and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks what I was seeing, I felt my lunch heading in the general direction of my head.

But I didn't throw up. I kept telling myself that I was back in history now, they did things differently here, that I had to get used to it. And it worked.

It's getting too dark to see properly. I'm going to catch some Zs. More tomorrow.

109.

12.Alienation

Te Yene Rana couldn't be bothered with holograms. As far as the Caxtarid was concerned, she looked close enough to human to pa.s.s for one, and if the primitives didn't like her metallic red hair and eyes, that was their problem.

So she told herself. The truth was that she wasn't properly equipped for a first-contact situation. So far she'd been mistaken for a foreigner, a demon and some kind of s.e.x worker. Thanks. She was in a foul mood.

So she sulked in her room at the inn in Toshi town, using remote drones to gather information. Without the right equipment or reinforcements, with a suspected alien involvement, she had to play this very carefully.

One of her drones had been following the little expedition from Hekison village. She'd watched them all day, bored to death, eating raw fish whole fish, not this sashimi nonsense and waiting for them to arrive. Bring the d.a.m.ned thing to her. Thanks.

She was d.a.m.ned worried about those aliens now. The d.a.m.ned d.a.m.ned drones did not have d.a.m.ned translators built in; she had been trying to play back their recordings through her single translator unit, but the d.a.m.ned sound wasn't good enough.

Besides, the drones were incredibly conspicuous. She had one open now, ripping its guts out, finding the essential bits so she could make a small, in-conspicuous, sound-only version, filtered through her translator.

She looked at the bug she'd created. Looked like a d.a.m.ned enormous fly.

She chucked it out of the window. The miniature drive cut in a moment before it hit the ground, and it b.u.mbled off down the street, swatted at by a peasant as it buzzed past.

She'd left the thing enough vision to steer by. She sat at the unrolled moni-tor screen, directing it with one finger on a palm-sized, flat pad.

Soon enough she found them, conspicuous with their white skin and (foreign?) vehicle. She flew the clumsy bug along the wall of the building, trying not to bounce the little drone off the wooden planks, and parked it outside the 111 window of their room. On the second try. The first time, she eavesdropped on a conversation about Noh masks for ten minutes until she realized she had the wrong room.

The fly settled into place on the windowsill. The translation scrolled slowly up the screen as the aliens jabbered away.

DOCTOR: Chris.

CHRIS: Oh no. Not this again.

DOCTOR: We need to talk.

CHRIS: What what exactly did you do to me yesterday? I mean, when I was telling you about what happened to the village? (Pause) It's like I can remember it all in detail, but I can't feel the feelings.

DOCTOR: There's no time. There's never time to feel the feelings. Not when you're in the thick of it. Deal with the emergency first, and then angst about it afterwards.

CHRIS: And we're still in the emergency?

DOCTOR: Yes. Until we get the pod to safety, and find out what it is.

CHRIS: Yeah, but isn't it sort of I mean, I can remember being completely freaked out about the village burning down, isn't it sort of unhealthy for me to supp (Several seconds' silence) DOCTOR: That's better. I CHRIS: It's just that after all this time I don't think I can cut it any more. You know, I've been tested and stretched and I've found my limits and they're not broad enough. I can do the not-thinking-about-it thing: I blew up all those Martians without giving it a second thought, remember? That's not the problem. I can't do the samurai thing. I can't just throw my life away.

That was why I couldn't save her. Don't you see? That's why I keep having those dreams. But I'm not like you. I can't do it. I can't manipulate people. I can't just be a hero. I can't just put my fear on one side. I can't stop thinking thinking about it! About all of it, about what will happen if I screw up, about all the people depending on me, to keep them alive, or even to kill them! I'm too young to be outliving everyone I know! I need to be relieved of duty. I'm unfit for duty! about it! About all of it, about what will happen if I screw up, about all the people depending on me, to keep them alive, or even to kill them! I'm too young to be outliving everyone I know! I need to be relieved of duty. I'm unfit for duty!

DOCTOR: Relieved of duty. Imagine what it would be like (Pause) Did you feel cheated when the Turtle didn't kill you?

Te Yene Rana, who had almost fallen asleep, found herself suddenly interested.

CHRIS: Don't talk about that! We left that behind us on Yemaya 4! And it was 112 just a red herring anyway! There was no Turtle!

DOCTOR: It seems to me that you haven't left it behind at all CHRIS: Yes I have! I don't want to talk about it!

DOCTOR: Were you disappointed? You thought you were going to be killed by some abominable G.o.d.

Yeah, that sounded like the Turtle Te Yene Rana was familiar with. These aliens had been around.

CHRIS: Devoured.

DOCTOR: Devoured?

CHRIS: Sacrificed.

DOCTOR: Sacrificed?

CHRIS: Punished!

DOCTOR: Yes. The telepathic attack connected right with your self-worth. Or rather, this unconscious self-worthlessness. The feeling that you're not good enough, that you're not doing enough.

CHRIS: I'm different. Do you remember when I shot those two n.a.z.is, and I was so pleased with myself, and you said DOCTOR: 'Chris, this isn't a video game.'

CHRIS: I'm different now.

DOCTOR: But not that different. Changes come slowly in human beings.

Imagine what it's like to know you might wake up, suddenly, completely different. With a new face, with a new personality. Suddenly you like jazz instead of opera; suddenly you can't stand pears when you used to love poires en douillon poires en douillon; suddenly you're shouting at your companions or you're seeing patterns that you never used to see CHRIS: It's not my fault! It's not my fault you're going to regenerate!

DOCTOR: You have to be ready! I have to finish CHRIS: Teaching me? Training me? Changing me? What are you trying to turn me into? You? Is that it? What if I can't be you! What if I don't want to be you! It's not my fault you're going to die! I didn't build that Room without any doors!

DOCTOR: What!

CHRIS: Am I going mad? Do you think I'm going mad? Is that what the dreams are about? I know it runs in the family. Like noses. Like being an Adjudicator runs in the family. My grandfather was completely bonkers before he died.

DOCTOR: You're not going mad, Chris. Listen to me. It's not meant for you, it's not meant for you you CHRIS: Don't die. (Pause) Please don't die. Please don't go away and leave us 113 alone.