"Why?" I couldn't stop myself from asking.

"Girls don't pay attention to me. They even mock me because they a.s.sume I'm gay. Also, I watch my father treat women like pieces of garbage, and they let him do it. It doesn't matter because the one's I am physically attracted to are emotionally or mentally empty. Being alone is easier for me, too."

I slipped my foot out of his hands and placed it flat against his chest where I could feel his heart pulsing heavily. His hand held it in place while I absorbed what he had just said.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but have you ever considered going to seminary and becoming a priest?" I felt somewhat serious asking, despite our current situation.

He pulled my foot a little closer and gently bit down on my big toe.

"Priests don't get to do that." The devious look came back into his eyes.

"Okay, point taken!" I squirmed under the ticklish sensation.

"You know, Violet, when I would watch you sometimes and you would have your hands between your legs, I wondered what it would be like to have my hands there, making you feel that way a causing your chest to rise, gasping for air. I could tell you were close when your nipples would slightly darken and harden. Your body would tighten and still, and then your hands would float to the side. You would get this look of complete peace for a few minutes; it was quite spectacular."

He picked up my foot and started to ma.s.sage it in the same way he had the other. Not saying another word, he appeared content in this moment of raw intimacy. I leaned back and closed my eyes, losing myself in the surrounding warmth.

"Shepard..."

"Yes, Violet."

"I am not empty..."

"Violet, you have never been an option."

"Am I now?" I was almost afraid to ask, but I had nothing to lose. Our friendship had taken a direction I never antic.i.p.ated. From his answer, he must have felt the same.

"I don't know," he said, looking at me as if he were torn inside.

If we crossed this bridge, there was no going back; however, it was useless. My reckless nature was seeping forth, unable to be restrained by sensibility and caution. Before me was a soul just as hungry for the touch of another human being, yet stubborn enough to never be satisfied with anyone ever. His beautiful eyes and innocent face defied the stirrings I could see beneath the surface. I knew those well because I had them, too.

"Do you want to know?"

"Know what?"

"What it's really like?"

He gently placed my foot back into the water, and then slowly trailed his fingers up my legs to the middle of my thighs before pausing.

"Not tonight, Violet."

The water made a loud whooshing noise as he sat up and got out of the bathtub. Wrapping a towel around his waist, he came over and leaned above my head from behind me. Gently holding my chin, his lips lightly danced over mine.

"I'll stay," he said after kissing me again, then grabbed his shorts and shirt, heading back into the bedroom. My mind swirled as it tried to process everything, but it was effectively mush.

I learned long ago that when I got to this point, the only cure was sleep. I got out of the tub shortly after to find Shepard pa.s.sed out on my bed. Tying my hair into a towel, I crawled back onto my side. He reached over, pulling me close, burying his nose in my neck and groaning softly.

I didn't realize how empty my bed felt until there was someone else in it. I didn't know what would happen tomorrow or the day after that. I had never allowed myself to indulge in imagining a life with Shepard, but now I wasn't sure how I would go on without him.

Chapter 5 - Bright-eyed.

I smelled coffee, which woke me with a start. As I fought the blankets away, Shepard started laughing.

"Good morning."

Instead of the emptiness I felt yesterday my heart felt surprisingly full. "It is," I said, smiling.

"You didn't seem very hungry yesterday, so I just made you some coffee. I can cook you something if you want," he said while I sat up against the headboard.

"Well aren't you domestic?" Grasping the outstretched mug of steaming liquid, I gingerly took a sip and moaned in pleasure.

"Violet, I have to leave soon."

"I know." I said, placing the mug off to the side on a nightstand.

I busied my hands by smoothing out the blankets over my legs, and then roped my hair into a loose side braid. I was so comfortable that I didn't want to get out of bed. Getting out meant facing a day I wasn't ready for. I wanted to stay suspended in this bubble with Shepard where the world wasn't spinning so fast. He became the anchor in this storm, holding me tightly so I did not blow away.

Lifting back the other side of the quilt, Shepard sidled up to me and rested his head upon my lap. I lazily dragged my fingers through his soft brown hair, closing my eyes to savor the moment.

"I wish I could stay here with you," he said with a sigh.

"Shepard, you have a life you need to get back to. I will find my way through this; I always do."

He had no clue what I had already been through. For as hard as this was, it was cake compared to the past. I wanted to pry the lead weight off of my chest. I didn't want him to leave, either, but it was inevitable. Time continued to pa.s.s as the strands of chocolate colored locks twirled through my fingers.

It was past noon before I managed to get dressed. It was New Year's Eve and Jack was expecting me to help him set up for his party. Shepard had declined attending, saying that he had some other things he needed to take care of. I gave him Jack's phone number in case he changed his mind later. I hadn't kissed anyone besides Jack and Adam on the cheek for the past four years; another year would not matter. I normally loved getting so drunk that I would make a fool of myself and pa.s.s out in some random part of the house, covered in glitter or sticky Jell-O shots. I knew I would be a little more modest this year in the event Shepard did show up. For the first time in a while, I was conscious of how my behavior might affect someone else. Even Jack took notice when I arrived with the wine and ice buckets.

"Have a good night I take it?" He wagged his eyebrow at me.

"Um, let's just say unexpected." I laughed, not knowing what else to call it.

"Spill it!" Jack shouted "Spill what?" Adam rounded from behind me.

My cheeks started to flush as the two men demanded the details of last night's rendezvous.

"We took a bath, that's all." I grinned.

"Mmmhmm," they both replied in unison.

"I swear, it was nothing more than a few kisses...and he confessed to watching me get off in my tub over the past two years." I looked away to keep from dying with laughter.

"OMG, you found yourself a little voyeur! I knew I liked that boy!" Jack exclaimed.

I breathed out deeply, not used to sharing such personal details, but I'd rather it came out now than have poor Shepard be grilled about it later.

Moving to the other side of the kitchen, I ripped the large bags of ice out and dumped them into coolers that were loaded with various bottles of beer. The cheese and fruit trays were finished and waiting in the refrigerator for later. I checked on the artichoke dip in the oven and decided to see if Shepard had called or texted about tonight, but there was nothing. Adam noticed and had a look of disappointment on his face.

"Lover boy's not coming tonight is he?"

"No, he said he had some other things he needed to take care of. He leaves the day after tomorrow and I have taken up nearly his whole vacation. Looks like your cheek is all mine again this year, so you better shave."

I placed my phone on vibrate and shoved it down in my bag. No one would be calling me anyways, so it didn't matter. Adam walked back into the kitchen to pour a gla.s.s of wine as we waited for guests to arrive. I had about a half hour to finish getting ready, so I headed to the guest room where I had my new dress and shoes waiting. I didn't get to dress up very often. It was another chance for me to feel normal. The sapphire blue satin felt divine on my skin as I pulled it down over my hips. It was a gorgeous c.o.c.ktail dress with a ruffled neckline and capped sleeves, which stood out with its deeply plunging necklace. It had slight ruching along the sides that made it look amazing from every angle. My nude heels made me feel like an Amazon, so I kept them by the door in case I needed to slip them on for show.

Just as I finished applying a second layer of ruby lipstick and my pearl earrings, the doorbell rang, announcing that the evening was underway. I had to be the hostess, leaving Jack and Adam free to entertain elsewhere, which was done in the grandest manner. They had hired a well-known DJ to play a live show, using his laptop in addition to real turn tables. Deep ambient music floated through the house as people dined at the scrumptious buffet. A few hours later, the house was packed like sardines with the music taking on a more rapid beat. The den transformed into a dance hall complete with a temporary laminate floor and colored lighting. It really was a little ridiculous, but the boys lived for tonight. Midnight was just an hour away when I felt a hand graze down my back. If I were not surrounded by gay men, I might have been more startled. Shock did not set in until I saw Shepard's handsome face staring back at me, holding a small pot of violets with a ribbon.

He leaned in so I could hear him over the loud noise.

"They told me these are pretty hard to kill. They just need a little love to survive. I thought they could keep you company."

I took the pot and ran my fingers across the delicate purple petals and shiny green leaves. I could not remember owning a plant before. Even in my small yard, I never did anything with the lawn. I never even watered it. Shepard always took care of it for me in the summer. He knew me well.

"It's perfect, thank you." I kissed his cheek lightly and lingered with my lips against his face for a few seconds.

Jack and Adam came up behind Shepard and slapped him gently on his back, which made him smile. Eyeing my violets and idiot grin, they smiled conspiratorially as if they knew he would really be here.

"Shepard, these are really hard to get in January." I wasn't a gardener, but I had ordered enough flowers to know this.

"I am not afraid of a challenge, Violet." His eyes just looked at me lovingly and full of resolve. He was telling me what he felt. He wanted us to work. It wouldn't be easy, but he would make it happen. I just had to accept it as the gift it really was.

I took the flowers to the guest room where my things were. Shepard followed behind me through the lined hallways. I was thankful the guest room had a private bathroom and key entry. Setting the pot down on the dresser, I felt his hands wrap around my waist, pulling me up against his chest. As he nuzzled his face into my neck, I sensed he was in a playful mood.

"Does the offer still stand?" he asked.

"What offer, Shepard?" I asked, not sure what he was referring to.

He turned me around to face him, backing my rear to the edge of the dresser, and then reaching behind my neck to pull me closer in a deep kiss. His tongue parted my lips and claimed my mouth with an urgency as his hands pulled my hips into his groin.

"I want to know what it's like." His voice was deeper than I had heard before. His teeth gently nipped along my jaw and my neck, making me delirious.

"Shepard, I don't have a condom. And here now? Don't you want it to be special and take your time?"

He stopped and stood eye level with me.

"I have waited long enough and we don't have much time. I want it to be you, and I can't think of a better way to start the New Year. It will give a completely new meaning to the *stroke of midnight'." The devilish look from the bathtub returned.

"I just don't want you to regret it a regret me." This was a lot to process. I had never taken anyone's virginity before. h.e.l.l, I'd only been with one other person. It had been so long that I felt like a clumsy virgin myself.

"Never, Violet. I couldn't ask for it to happen anymore perfectly." He looked at his watch and said, "We have three minutes to midnight."

A mad fury of fingers started to unb.u.t.ton, unzip, slide off and remove clothing until we were both naked and tangled on the mattress. Shepard had a small strip of condoms in his suit coat pocket that he laid on the nightstand.

"You're pretty ambitious," I smirked while ripping a tear in the foil packet with my teeth.

"I came prepared," he replied Reaching down to his already hardened shaft, I stopped one last time and asked if he was sure. Simply nodding his head, I gently slid the latex material down his impressive length. Shaking from nerves at what was about to take place, this moment could not be reversed.

It was hard not to be excited with him. Both of us were taking short shallow breaths, waiting for the countdown to start. As I held him at my entrance, I teased him by squeezing my muscles around the head. He rested his hands upon my hips, his eyes taking in my body before settling back on my face. His irises had dilated in antic.i.p.ation as I trembled above him. Rubbing soothing circles with his thumbs on my hips, he rea.s.sured me. This is what he wanted and calm began to wash over me.

The countdown could be heard by the guests just on the other side of the door as they shouted loudly along with the projection screen and microphone in the den.

With each shout, I gradually and slowly lowered myself down a little more.

10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1...

I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes as he stretched me within, causing soft moans to erupt from my throat. Shepard held his breath tightly as I took him inside of me all the way. The partygoers were screaming wildly, "Happy New Year", while Shepard and I stared silently at each other, focused on the feeling of being connected.

"Are you okay?" The concern was all over his face as he watched me wince in slight discomfort.

"I should ask you the same thing, but I am fine; it has just been a really long time." I used my knees to slide back up, drawing another gasp from him. "I want you on top; you're in control here."

He flipped over along with me until he was nestled between my legs and propped up on his elbows. Using my hand once again to guide him to my center, I used my other hand to encourage his hips forward.

"You can go faster if you want, you won't hurt me." I could feel the muscles in his back and shoulders tense up, knowing what he was thinking. His mouth came over mine and pressed hard for a short moment. I studied his face as he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw while, driving deeply into me. Never had I seen anything so beautiful. A spectrum of emotions washed over his face as he took in the new sensations. My hands involuntarily went to his hair and threaded through the dampening strands. Sweat started to bead on his chest and drip down onto mine. I could taste the salt of his skin with each brief kiss he gave.

His breathing began to tell me he was coming close, so I tightened around him and whispered permission to "let go". With one final kiss, he was like a prized stallion breaking for the finish line, grunting hard and giving everything he had to this moment. His hands pulled the sheets into his fists for stability while I dug my fingers into his shoulders. Primitive noises poured out of his lungs as he found release, looking at me wildly from above. He stilled for a few moments before collapsing on my chest as I closed my own eyes in bliss.

Nothing was spoken for several minutes as our breathing regulated. I reached down in between my legs as Shepard began to withdraw to ensure the condom came out as well. Not being familiar with what to do, I gently slid it off of his very sensitive c.o.c.k and tied it into a knot.

"Um, thanks?" He scratched his head, unsure of how to act.

With a little sarcasm and a smile I replied, "You're welcome?"

I shuffled off the bed to throw the condom away and check my now awesomely ruined hair and makeup. While I wiped the runny mascara away from my eyes, Shepard, still naked, came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist as he kissed my shoulder. I held his arms close against my chest as we took in our reflections.

"Violet, you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." He kissed my shoulder again before resting his head and breathing deeply.

"Are you okay, really?" Watching to see his response, I became fearful at his down expression.

"Do you care about me, Violet?"

I flipped around quickly to take his face in my hands.

"Do not ever doubt that for a moment." I was tempted to drop the L word, but it was too soon. I may have felt it, but I knew better than to speak it.

He seemed satisfied with my answer. Once again giving me a deep kiss, he went to get my dress and undergarments before readying himself. When we rejoined the party, it would be obvious to Jack and Adam what happened. I just hoped they wouldn't be too p.i.s.sed it happened here. After we were both dressed, Shepard laced his hand in mine and led me out into the crowd after locking the door. Things were starting to get even wilder, but for us, it was all winding down. He never took his hands off of me for one moment the rest of the night. Jack and Adam smiled but never said a word. Since he didn't have anything to drink, Shepard asked if we could leave a little after two in the morning.

Walking into my house, Shepard shut the front door and backed me up against it.

"Would it be wrong to ask for more?" He immediately began to nip at my neck and chin.

"You will be insatiable; I can already tell." I giggled at his eagerness.