"But I have nowhere else to go..."

Henderson looks at her for a long time.

"There's the hotel further down the road."

Evy looks at him for a long time and then she nods slowly. A feeling of being abandoned overshadows everything. She closes her eyes and feels the tears coming.

"Are you OK? Shouldn't you have stayed at the hospital?"

"Maybe. I just wasn't prepared for this."

She opens her eyes and looks directly into Henderson's. He takes a step back and stares at her.

"I have no choice."

Evy takes his hand away from the key.

"Thanks for helping me out. I'll make sure you get your money back in the next few days."

He nods and steps back to let her pa.s.s. She tries to smile but fails and just nods.

"I'll be OK."

He nods.

"Call me if you need anything."

She clearly hears the beep from her phone and knows that it's almost out of power. She turns the key in the lock but Henderson doesn't leave.

"It's OK."

"I'll just stay here for a little while in case you need me."

"I won't."

Her voice is firm but she knows that it probably won't stay that way. He nods and stays where he is.

"I'll just stay here for a little while."

She turns away from him and carefully turns the key in the lock. The door opens as usual and for a moment everything seems normal. It's dark in the apartment, there's only a faint light coming from the bedroom. She reaches out her hand and switches on the light. The smell of the apartment meets her and she steps onto the thick carpet that gives way under her. She's OK and turns to nod at Henderson who finally nods and leaves. She looks at the living room. It looks familiar and she's starting to feel warm again. She puts the key down on the table just inside the door and stands in the middle of the living room with her back to the bedroom. She relaxes more and more and feels confirmed in her decision to leave the hospital. It feels like forever before she finally pulls herself together. She slowly turns to face the bedroom. The double doors are wide open. She can see the clotted blood that has already turned brown. She slowly starts to walk over to the light. She sits down in the door and relives what happened. She feels the pain from her cut and tears are streaming down her face. She doesn't make a sound. Her eyes focus on every piece of gla.s.s from the mirror, every bloodstain on the bed and the floor before they stop at the door of the walk-in closet. She gets up slowly and feels how stiff her legs are from sitting on the floor. She waits for a minute before walking over to the closet and carefully opening the doors. The lights come on and she lets out a deep sigh.

"Thank you."

She looks up at the ceiling. "I wouldn't have been able to stand it if anyone had gone through my clothes." She smiles a little before she walks in and closes the door behind her. She falls into the deep armchair in the corner under the lamp and stares into s.p.a.ce full of thoughts.

"Now what, Evy."

Her mumbling voice disappears in the clothes around her and she moves her one foot back and forth on the carpet in front of her.

She notices the corner of a box sticking out from behind the clothes. The cardboard box she had tried so hard to forget years ago. Evy slides down from the chair and gets comfortable on the floor before slowly pulling it toward her. The cardboard seems strangely greasy and she has to take a firmer hold before she manages to pull it over. She recognizes her mother's handwriting. The way she wrote her d's with a very recognizable, almost completely round curve. She had often thought of bringing some of the things she had kept with her mother's writing on them to a graphologist, but she had never gotten round to it. Her index finger tracks her mother's handwriting: Linda's things. She carefully lifts the lid of the box. The cardboard is sticky and she has to pull harder before the lid finally comes off. Linda's diaries are packed tightly in the box and she carefully lifts out each one checking the year on the cover. She realizes that Linda has kept a diary since she was thirteen. "I just didn't know that. And why didn't I know that?" She relaxes her shoulders and a tear hits the diary on the top. She looks down and sees how the tear is slowly absorbed by the dark brown leather next to the gold writing Diary. She picks up the small teddy bear that always used to sit on Linda's desk. She had found it on her first day of school and had kept it on her desk ever since. "She even brought it to all her exams." She puts it down on one of her thighs and looks at the dark brown diary again. It's much fancier than the others that just have plastic covers in different colors. Some of them are clearly older and have covers that a child would choose, but the brown leather one looks more like a diary for grown-ups and looks both old-fashioned and more expensive. She picks it up. The leather feels soft against her fingers and the tear has now left a dark stain on the cover. She tries to wipe it off but it has penetrated the leather. "This is the last one." She flips it back and forth and something falls out. She looks down and there on her thigh, next to the teddy bear, there's a small piece of paper that also belongs to her own past. She carefully closes the diary again and puts it down. Then she gets up and picks up the teddy bear and the piece of paper. She puts the teddy bear carefully on a shelf so it leans against her clothes. She holds the piece of paper in her hand. She looks in her purse that is still lying on the shelf where she had left it after taking out her credit card. She drops it on the floor while her eyes looks from one business card to the other. They are identical. She puts her hand over her mouth before dropping back down in the chair. She looks at the teddy bear and her words come out like a long sigh.

"Oh, Linda."

She vividly remembers the drive in the limo and how she had felt increasingly uncomfortable sitting next to Stuart after the party all wet with champagne. She still remembers how she had realized right then and there that her life had become something she really didn't want to be a part of, however tempting the card had seemed. But every time she sat with the card in one hand and the phone in the other, it had been too big a decision for her, and she had put down the phone every time. Sitting in her chair now, she realizes why she has never thrown the card away. She's still thinking of using it. She lets go of the cards, leans over, and picks up the diary and starts to read.

"Dear Diary, I've had a wonderful day. I was waiting for the bus when a limo pulled over. The driver jumped out and opened the door for a man in a dark blue coat who got out fast. The driver was handsome. I smiled at him and he smiled back. Oh, my G.o.d. He waited until the man had disappeared into the building and then he came over. We talked for a while and I let the bus drive past. He offered to take me home. It was wonderful. All I want is to try it again. Dear diary, the driver is called Jan. He let me out down the street from our house, so I could walk the rest of the way home. He gave me his card. He told me I could call him anytime."

Evy cautiously reads on.

"Dear Diary, I called Jan today. He was so sweet. He told me many times how sweet and beautiful I am. It's so wonderful. I'm meeting him later in the city.

"Dear Diary, I'm all smiles. Jan just dropped me off. He let me drive in the limo again. He got out after parking it. When he opened the door and got in the back my heart skipped a beat. He's so wonderful."

Evy shakes her head while her heart is screaming. Her eyes search on, but there's a gap of a few days.

"Dear Diary, I'm in the seventh heaven. Jan is amazing. He's sweet and considerate and is constantly telling me how sweet and lovely I am. He has told me several times that I'm beautiful enough to be a model."

"Oh, Linda." Evy looks away from the letters that have started jumping around on the pages in front of her.

"Oh, Linda."

"I even think he's talking about marriage and we've only known each other for a little over a week. Isn't that incredible, dear diary? He says he has some money so we can leave the city and buy a small house. I think he wants a lot of kids just like I do."

Evy turns the page, but it's empty. She turns to the next one, but there's nothing until the third page.

"Dear Diary, I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, but I've been a little sad. Jan is in a bad mood these days. I had to talk him into seeing me. He says he's under a lot of stress. I've promised to help him. I'm seeing him tomorrow."

Evy's eyes search out the teddy bear sitting on the shelf in front of her. Its softness forms a sharp contrast to the sinking feeling in her stomach. Her finger runs along the spine of the diary. The leather is soft and pleasant to touch. It seems disturbingly rea.s.suring.

"Dear Diary, Things are much better between Jan and me. We see each other every day now, and he's become the Jan I find so enchanting. I help him every day. When I finish school we meet up and he gives me some small parcels and a list of where to deliver them. He says it helps him so he has time to deal with other things. It also gives us time to be together. It's not so bad. The neighborhoods are nice and Jan gives me money to take a cab to the addresses. Some of the people who get the parcels act a little strange when they see me. There's an address I usually go to where I didn't go today - Jan says he hasn't paid. I have to go there again tomorrow and Frans will come with me. I don't really know Frans. I've seen him with Jan many times, but he has always left when I come."

"Dear Diary, What a terrible day today. The visit at the place I usually go to went terribly wrong. Frans asked the person who lives there for the money. He promised to pay, but Frans just hit him in the face. Blood was running from his nose, and... I just ran away. It was awful. I called Jan from around the corner. He calmed me down and said that Frans just has a temper but that he would always do the right thing and that he was probably helping the man right now. I looked back and he was right: Frans was helping the man get in the house."

"Dear Diary, I asked today if I was going to the house where Frans. .h.i.t the man. I wasn't. Jan was very angry and I got a little scared. He put me in the limo and was very nice to me. He said I needed to relax, so he took something from the mini bar and gave me some pills. He said I was getting a headache. I wasn't, but I knew he would be pleased if I did as he said. So I swallowed the pills.

"No, Linda. NO!" Evy closed her eyes and tried to breathe normally. "You must have been hopelessly in love with him. You did everything he told you to."

"I got very sleepy. I remember that Jan got out of the car and into the driver's seat, and that the limo was moving, but then it stopped. Then I heard the front door slam and one of the back doors was opened. The wind was cold, a stranger's voice, and then I felt someone moving my body. The limo started again. Then I fell asleep. But how nice of Jan to let me sleep in the limo even though he had a customer. I woke up a little when I felt the cold wind again. The dark haired man that I didn't know leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and straightened my shirt a little. He wasn't very old. He was quite good looking, but when he got out of the car, I could see that he was starting to lose his hair in the top of his head. He gave Jan some money for the ride and they arranged to do it again soon. I think I mumbled a thank you. In any case the customer looked at me and smiled."

Evy just sits there without moving and is terrified of turning the next page of the diary. "I have to know for sure what happened." She turns the page and finds another three pages that are blank before she can read on.

"Dear Diary, It was a strange experience I described the other day and somehow I'm worried. But the feeling of sleeping so much that nothing else exists, no thoughts, nothing, was wonderful. I only wish the man hadn't been there. But Jan was incredibly nice to me afterwards and took me to dinner that evening."

"Dear Diary, It has happened again. Strangely, it was the same customer Jan was driving. But he was just as nice as last time. I don't remember anything from this time either."

"Dear Diary, I don't know what's wrong with Jan. He doesn't really care for me anymore. I really want to make him happy. He says he's stressed again, so I'll try and help him more. He says that it's not supposed to have any influence on my school, so I can help him at night. I'm not sure... I still need to sleep and get up for school. But I don't want to lose him. He says that staying awake is not a problem. He's given me some pills. I just have to take them before I go to school."

"Dear Diary, Things are going well. I deliver the little parcels and there's often a party at the places I go to. I've been invited to stay several times, but I have refused every time. I'm too shy and I'm not sure what Jan would think about it. The pills Jan has given me keep me awake at school. He has given me some more."

Evy turns the pages and there's nothing for many days.

"Dear Diary, Today in the limo it was as if I didn't really fall asleep. Everything was the same, but this time I sensed the man taking off my clothes, and... Sorry, dear diary, I can't describe what happened. I'm too ashamed."

"Dear Diary, I have tried to stay away from Jan, but I need the pills that keep me awake in school. My life doesn't really work without them. After all, I have been taking them for a while. I asked Jan what they were called, so I could ask my doctor to give me some. But he just laughed and grabbed my arm hard. His face was very close to mine and it was as if things had been building up to this moment for a long time. He almost growled at me: You're a junkie. Don't you realize that?!"

Evy gets up, but falls back down in the chair. She turns the page only to find a large X that fills up the whole page. It's the same on the next page and on the next, before Linda finally writes something again.

"Dear Diary, I'm sorry it's been so long. I'm too ashamed to keep writing. I'm trapped in my need for the pills and Jan's demand that I work for them. I can't go somewhere else to get them and I'm too afraid to go to the doctor and more afraid to say anything at home. Jan says I have paid for them on my back in the limo, and that the young man is a customer. He says that the man I saw with blood running down his face was murdered, and that I was there and am therefore involved. I'm too afraid to go to the police. What if they put me in jail? He also says that Frans will kill me if I say anything. I'm so ashamed and I don't know what to do."

Evy dries her eyes and looks down at the business cards lying next to her. Linda's has bent corners and seems dull, and her own has clearly been in her purse for a long time. The paper has marks from where it has been folded over. Evy turns to the last page of the diary.

"I often think of how stupid I am. I felt like Evy when I sat in the limo for the first time and saw the street where I should have walked slowly pa.s.s by. The soft movements of the car, the feeling of gliding along, and the feeling of the leather and the deep carpet under my feet... This is no longer a question of surviving, but a question of dying slowly so something might change. But I'm in it so deep that it probably won't... Not before it's too late, anyway. I have lost weight and I'm addicted. I'll do anything for the drugs... The man in the dark blue coat that got out of the car the first time I met Jan. I... I don't know how to write this. I... He has an apartment in the city. I've been there several times. He's rough but he pays well. Dear diary, I'm no longer in school. But at home I pretend to be."

Evy can see that Linda must have changed her pen because the writing is suddenly clearer.

"Dear diary, he's the one that gave you to me."

Suddenly it feels like the diary is burning in her hands and she wants to drop it.

"He has thrown me out tonight. I don't have the money."

Evy holds her head in her hands as she whispers.

"Stuart."

She feels a pain that's too strong for words. She puts down the diary and lets her tears flow. The room is so quiet that she can hear her own tears falling. She slowly looks at the last page but one.

"Dear Diary, When I picked up my daily dose, Jan said that I looked terrible and that he could no longer send me out with the parcels for the customers. In the future I have to make the money myself. He has no use for me. I refuse to work on the streets. I refuse. I just can't do that."

"Dear Diary, I'm so addicted I have to do something. Today I told Jan that I'm going into rehab tomorrow. I don't understand why he looked at me like that. But after a while he laughed and wished me luck. He'll throw a party for me. I don't know... It seems weird. He gave me some pills and said he'd pick me up at seven. When I closed the door I heard him talking to Frans on the phone.

But now I don't want to think about it anymore. Tomorrow is when my new life begins... or rather my normal life. Oh, I have to hurry. It's ten to seven and I have to get to the corner where Jan will pick me up. He hates it when I'm late."

Slowly Evy lets go of the diary and it ends up on the floor where the soft carpet m.u.f.fles the sound. She sits in the chair with slumped shoulders and looks at the teddy bear that's sitting on a shelf smiling at her. The eyes of the teddy bear are empty. She turns her head away and studies her face in the mirror just inside the door. "I'm not staying here tonight. I'll find a hotel." She clenches her teeth, gets on her feet, and pulls out a small suitcase. She packs it slowly and meticulously. Then she stops and puts the teddy bear into her pocket, pulls down a hoodie from its hanger and takes it over her head, picks up her credit card, and carefully closes the door behind her. She can see the light going out under the door. She stands there, overwhelmed by the sight of the bedroom and the pictures rush back into her head.

"It's not a question of surviving, but of dying slowly enough."

There's a tear in the corner of her eye. She picks up her suitcase and leaves the apartment.

Chapter 29.

For months Evy had been consumed by a desire to revenge Linda's death, but one night in front of the TV, she had realized that she wasn't the type of person who made complicated plans.

"I'm such a fool! Why haven't I done something? Look at that!"

It feels like a physical blow and a cold she knows all too well fills her insides when the white limo pulls up in front of her. "Is it the same one? Is it the same one?" The thoughts are flying around in her head as she looks around hoping to find the photographers, but they're not there.

"Let me."

She recognizes the voice and suddenly she can't breathe.

"It's been a while."

The driver is standing next to her, smiling as he opens the door.

"Here you go. We'll be there on time."

Evy shakes her head.

"I'll get a cab."

"Don't be stupid. The limo is ordered and paid for."

Evy looks at him.

"By whom?"

"Someone who wants the best for you."

"Hmmm. I find that hard to believe."

"Please."

"How does he know where I'm going?"

He grabs her by the elbow.

"It's not hard to guess where you'll be going tonight."

She clearly feels that he doesn't intend to let go. Feeling the panic, she looks around and down the street she sees a familiar face. One of the photographers she always says hi to and tries to give the best shots. The driver also sees him and holds on to her elbow even harder.

"Get in."

"Hi!"

She waves at the photographer.

"You want a ride?"

The photographer is surprised and stops before running over to her.

"Sure. Where are we going?"