GIRL COMPLETES HER IRRELEVANT REMARK, the screen printed grudgingly.

"Grossclout will make mush of your crockery brain," Nada finished.

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE HIM TRY.

Nada rose to the challenge. "If I snap my fingers, he will appear," she said. "Because that's my signal for game interference." She held up her hand, fingers c.o.c.ked.

DAMSEL'S HAND GOES NUMB.

Nada's fingers sagged. She could not snap them.

"But I can snap mine," Dug said. "Want to bet he won't respond to somebody's finger snap from this area?"

IGNORANT MUNDANE'S HAND GOES NUMB. Dug lost sensation in his hand. This computer was sharp!

But now Nada was free. "My hand has recovered," she said. "You can't control both of us at the same time. So now I'll snap."

NO NEED, the screen printed quickly. IT WAS ONLY A JOKE. HAVE YOU NO HUMOR? THE MUNDANE WILL BE GIVEN AN EVEN CHANCE.

Dug had seen that kind before: bullies who claimed it was only a joke, when they had to back off. He had never liked that kind. At least they had backed the ornery machine off a bit. "So I'll have an even chance," he said, getting it officially stated, because it was apparent that statements had the force of reality here.

I SHALL GIVE YOU THREE TASKS TO PERFORM, AND- "Nuh-uh!" Dug interrupted. "I'll define the rules." Again, he hoped to prevail by getting his definitive statement in first He knew that any tasks the evil machine set would be almost impossible to accomplish. "We'll have a pun riddle contest. First one who can't guess the other's riddle loses." Because he was pretty good at riddles.

NUH-UH, the screen printed. ONE MUST ANSWER AND THE OTHER FAIL. IF BOTH ANSWER OR BOTH FAIL, THE ROUND IS NULL.

Dug had to admit that was fair. At least he had defined the nature of the contest. "Okay. I'll go first." He paused, but the machine did not object. So he dredged up a punnish not-too-dirty joke he had heard, hoping Nada wouldn't object: "What is spelled with a hymen?"

MAIDEN-HEAD, the screen printed.

Ouch! Pewter had heard the joke! Now he was down one, and if the machine floored him, he'd be lost.

HOW DID THE DEMONS PULL THE KISS-MEE RIVER STRAIGHT?.

"What river?" Dug asked blankly.

"He's Mundane," Nada said. "He doesn't know our landmarks. You have to tell him before using them."

THE KISS-MEE RIVER FLOWS SOUTHWARD ALONG EASTERN XANTH, CONNECTING THE KISS-MEE LAKE TO LAKE OGRE-CHOBEE. THE DEMONS PULLED IT STRAIGHT, RUINING IT. BY WHAT MAGIC DID THEY ACCOMPLISH THIS?.

Now something clicked. "There was a river somewhere-Florida, I think-the Kissimmee-that the Corps of Engineers channelized. You mean this is a pun on that?"

ANSWER THE QUESTION.

Dug looked at Nada. "It is true," she said. "The demons did do that. You must answer."

In the real world, the demons had simply dug a straight channel and routed the river through it, eliminating the meanders. It had been reckoned an environmental disaster. No magic there, and no puns; it had been one seriously unfunny business. How was he supposed to make a joke of it?

"I guess they used a pushmi-pullyou spell on it," he said without much hope.

ERROR! the screen printed. HEE-HEE!

But he wasn't quite lost yet. "You have to show that you have a good answer," Dug said. "Because if you don't, it doesn't count"

"That is true," Nada said, relieved.

The evil machine wasn't fazed. THEY PULLED THE S'S STRAIGHT, MAKING THEM L'S. THUS KISS-MEE BECAME KILL-MEE, WITH NO MORE CURVES.

And when the S's went straight, making them small L's, the river became straight too. It did make punnish magical sense. Dug knew he had lost.

"Okay, Pewter, you beat me," he said. "What now?"

YOU ARE IN A DREAM WHICH IS OUR REALITY. YOUR REALITY IS OUR DREAM. RETURN TO IT.

Com Pewter's screen showed a picture: Dug's room, with his messy bed in the background and used socks on the floor. Mundania-suddenly the dreariest possible place.

He looked at Nada. "I'm sorry. I lost I really wanted to stay with you, but I have to go."

"Yes," she said sadly. "I have failed you."

"No, I failed myself. I didn't make the grade." He was determined to be a good loser; it was all that was left.

He faced the screen. "How do I-?"

STEP THROUGH.

So Dug lifted a foot and put it to the screen, which seemed to grow larger. His foot pa.s.sed through without resistance and landed on his chair. In a moment he was through, and back in his room.

He turned, and saw Nada on the screen. "But you can play again, Dug," her speech balloon said. "If you ask for me-"

SILENCE! the screen printed. Then it went dark. Dug was definitely out of the game.

Chapter 6: HYDROGEN.

Cyrus Merman was about to pose his question to Kim. Jenny quailed, fearing that the pleasant evening was about to become extremely awkward. Even without much knowledge of the things hidden by the Adult Conspiracy, she could tell that this was an extremely serious matter. She had failed to protect Kim from this, and so had not been a good Companion.

"Dear, perhaps you should give her the background," The Siren said to her son. "Remember, Kim is not from Xanth, and she may not understand, otherwise."

"Certainly," Cyrus agreed. "If it is not too boring."

Jenny knew that Kim would not be bored by any postponement of the dread question. "We're sure it will be most interesting," she said quickly.

He smiled. "It is nice of you to say that, Jenny Elf. Certainly it interests us, but we are natives of this region."

"Oh, we want very much to know," Kim said with all the faint heartiness she seemed able to muster. The irony was that she really did look very nice in the dress the Siren had provided, and had she been a regular denizen of Xanth, such a union would have been entirely appropriate. So Cyrus was twenty-eight; he was still a handsome, vigorous man, surely nicely experienced, who could be good for a girl of sixteen. There were many such girls in Xanth who would jump at the chance.

"Then we must do it in appropriate style," Morris said. "For this history has become a play, and we like to re-enact it on significant occasions."

Jenny and Kim exchanged another glance of doubt. Significant occasion? But what could they do, except agree, hoping that some diplomatic way would turn up to get out of this misunderstanding?

"We must a.s.sume roles," Cyrus said. "For this narrative concerns the Curse Fiends, and their concern is acting. Indeed, it was from one of their traveling troupes that we learned it. Of course we can not hope to do it as well as they do, but it is more fun being in it ourselves."

Kim found a bit of her voice. "A play? I was interested in acting, but-" She broke off, looking troubled.

"Oh, you were?" the Siren asked solicitously. "What happened to prevent it?"

"I-I guess I wasn't right for the part," Kim said reluctantly.

"The part?" Cyrus inquired. "Couldn't you have any part you wished?"

Kim laughed. "Hardly! People have to try out for parts, and only a few get the good ones. I didn't want to be a person lost in a crowd scene, so I tried out for the ingenue. The more fool, I! After that disaster I stayed away from acting."

"Ingenue?" the Siren asked.

"The role of the lovely, quiet, innocent girl."

"But surely that was perfect for you!" Cyrus exclaimed.

"A perfect disaster. I'm a talkative, pushy, unlovely girl."

"Surely this is not so," Morris said. "You have seemed, if anything, somewhat reticent."

Jenny knew why: because of this embarra.s.sing question of marriage. But she didn't dare try to clarify that.

"And you have not seemed at all forward," the Siren said. "You have been, if I may say so, extremely well behaved."

"And you are lovely," Cyrus said. "Even when you were bedraggled, I saw the beauty marks on your face."

"Beauty marks!" Kim exclaimed. "Those are zits!"

Cyrus' brow furrowed. "Do they not serve the same purpose, in Mundania? Just as Jenny Elf's freckles add l.u.s.ter to her face?"

Jenny jumped. She did have freckles, as did Electra, who was now a princess, but she had never been sure they were an enhancement Now she saw that Kim was trying to suppress a flush. This was evidently an embarra.s.sing subject for her. Perhaps she thought the merfolk were teasing her. Yet if they were not it was no better, because it meant they believed she was suitable for marriage. Somehow this predicament just got worse as the merpeople got nicer.

"It is obvious that Mundanes know little of character or beauty," Morris said. "But as it happens, this is a violent narrative, with no important female players. Would you prefer to a.s.sume the role of a prominent male?"

Kim was taken aback. "Oh, I couldn't!"

But Jenny saw a possible avenue of escape here. An un-feminine role might be just the thing to divert the notion of marriage. "You should try it Kim," she said. "It could help."

Kim looked at her, gradually comprehending. "A pushy male," she said. "Yes, that could be good." Then she glanced at the others. "I mean, a real challenge. To portray someone that-that different"

"That is the heart of acting," Morris said. "To a.s.sume a role that is quite different from one's own nature, and do it effectively. This should test your skill."

"Well, I'm really not a good actress. Actor. I never got the chance to be in a play."

"Until now," Morris said. "Here are the roles: Loudspeaker, who is the villain. He is a powerful Magician."

"Well," Kim said dubiously. Jenny could appreciate why. It would be a challenge to play the part of a male, and another to be a villain, and another to be a Magician, when she knew so little of the true ways of such folk.

"I shall be happy to be Loudspeaker, this time," Cyrus said. "It is certainly a challenging role, quite unlike my nature."

Morris nodded. "And there is Hydrogen, a beneficial Magician."

"Aren't there any, well, just ordinary parts?" Kim asked plaintively.

"There are some," Morris said. "But I understood that you wished a leading part This one seems good."

Jenny saw how tempted Kim was, despite her uncertainty. So she gave her a nudge. "Why not try it, Kim? The worst you can do is make an awkward mess of it"

Kim paused, a.s.sessing the prospect in the manner Jenny had. If she made an awkward mess, she might become unattractive to the merman, and he would not ask her to many him. It might be embarra.s.sing, but for the best So, guided by this nudge, she agreed. "I will be Hydrogen."

"Excellent," Morris said. "Now, Loudspeaker, being evil, has no friends, but Hydrogen, being good, does. One of these is the young woman Bee, who is always on call to help. So if Jenny wishes to he his loyal companion and adviser-"

"Yes!" Jenny exclaimed. "I will be Bee on call."

"And there is an a.s.sortment of other men, lesser characters, ranging from lowly to Magicians, with their wives and families. My wife and I will fill those roles, and she will make the background music, so as to generate the realism. With a little bit of cooperation and imagination, we shall see the scenery form."

Jenny wondered how that could be, since the merfolk did not have the magic of illusion. But it didn't matter. She just hoped that the story would divert Cyrus' attention from Kim, so that the play would not be followed by an uncomfortable scene. But she wasn't at all sure this would happen.

"Now, I must explain that in this narration, we do not actually move about," Morris said. "We only speak our parts. It may facilitate the effect if you close your eyes, at first, until the mood takes hold."

Jenny was glad to oblige. She did not fancy herself much of an actor anyway, and this made it easier. Then she realized that she could contribute in another way: by humming. Because it was her magic talent to form a dream when she hummed, that anybody who wasn't paying attention could enter. Maybe she could form a dream of what the merman described, and they could all seem to be in it.

"But where is the script?" Kim asked.

"Script?" Morris seemed perplexed.

"To read our lines from. So we know what to say."

"Oh, nothing like that is needed. I will narrate the background, and each role will speak as appropriate. It is never quite the same twice. This gives it renewed vigor."

"Oh, improvisation," Kim said. "I suppose I can try that" She seemed less than certain, however.

"Now we commence," Morris said. They sat back in their comfortable water chairs and closed their eyes.

The Siren played her dulcimer. It was beautiful, as before, but eerie. Jenny felt a lukewarm shiver ripple through her spine. That music really was magic! It was doing things to her Imagination, so that she began to see a landscape. In fact it was the map of Xanth, as seen by a flying roc, with all its little trees and hikes and the Gap Chasm jaggedly crossing its center.

Jenny hummed faintly, forming her dream from that description. It was easy to do, working along with the Siren's music.

Morris spoke gravely, setting the scene.

In the year 378 following the First Wave of successful human colonization of Xanth, there came the Seventh Wave. The Human King Roogna had died almost a century before, in battle with the invading Sixth Wave, and there had been a time of distress. But now things were relatively quiet. The Seventh Wave, unlike some others, was peaceful. Its members had fled their own land to escape hara.s.sment by more powerful groups, and did not wish to inflict their ways on anyone else, or to do harm to either people or animals. They remained together, rather than mixing with the human folk already here, and married among themselves. Consequently the magic talents of their children were relatively weak, being mostly what is termed the spot-on-the wall variety: a person could make a spot of color appear magically on a wall, but of what real use was it?