"Listen, I know your kind-"

"No, you don't," she shoots back, poking me in the chest. "Do you know why? Because I don't even know my kind just yet. I'm still finding myself, so don't prejudge me before I can find out who I am. That's not fair to me."

"Daisy, I'm too much of an asshole for you to be hanging around with."

"That may be true," she says honestly. "But maybe I need a little um, butthole in my life."

We both pause, mulling over her words, both cringing. Daisy is the first one to laugh out loud and cover her mouth while shaking her head. "Oh goodness, that sounded really bad."

Laughing with her, I nod. "Pretty gross, Snowflake."

Smiling brightly, she nudges my shoulder and says, "You know what I mean. And hey, maybe I might not need a butthole, but you sure do need some rainbow in your life."

"Stop saying butthole, please," I beg jokingly.

"Seriously, Carter. We both want to break free. Stop pushing me away and let's help each other. I need a partner in crime, will you be that person for me?"

A partner in crime. Hell, I could easily be that person for her but do I want to be? If I learned anything tonight, it's that I can't seem to leave her alone. So maybe being the one to liberate her will be the perfect distraction to get me through this godforsaken, let's talk about our feelings and then dance around a rain stick program.

She exchanges a hopeful glance in my direction and I concede. "All right, Snowflake, you got your partner in crime."

"Really? REALLY?" Jumping up and down, the watering can on her sweatshirt shifting with her movements, she cheers over her small victory. "Oh, I'm so excited. We are going to have the best time, Carter. I just know it. Oh, we can puffy paint together."

"Watch it," I hold up my finger to warn her, "there will be no puffy painting."

We walk back to our circle and she bumps into my shoulder. "Never say never. Once you get that little bottle in your hand, you won't be able to stop yourself from squeezing."

Christ.

Dear Life, Learning to let go and move on, there is no learning there. You can't teach someone how to forget about their husband, how to live without them. Learning to let go comes from within. A deep inner strength I have yet to find, that honestly, I don't necessarily want to find. Not yet at least.

But what I did find this past week surprised me. I found a friend. I found someone who has experienced similar pain and understands the damage losing a loved one can do to a soul.

Jace Barnes, Rookie of the Year, starting shortstop, and broken man. My new friend. Talking to him eases the pressure within my heart. He understands me. For the first time in over a year and a half, I've found someone who understands me.

For that, I guess I have to say thank you.

Sincerely, Hollyn Dear Life, Wowza. Have you been paying attention these last few days? Did you see me out there in action, making friends? Did you see those text messages? Brilliant, right?

When Amanda showed me how to make a group text, which is actually quite simple, I couldn't believe my luck when everyone started replying, interacting. And then the last thing I expected happened: Carter sent me a personal message.

For some reason, he makes me feel self-conscious but also invigorated. He makes me question everything, but also challenges me. Is that possible? That's why I asked him to guide me through this convoluted world, to assist me through the ups and downs because there is no doubt in my mind that no matter what happens, he will try to protect me, and in this big scary world, I need a protector.

What's going to happen next? I have no clue, but whatever it is, it's going to change that girl in the mirror. Here's to another step to a new me.

Kind regards, Daisy Dear Life, Growing up in the foster care system taught me some valuable lessons. One, guard yourself and guard your possessions, you never know what might happen to them at any given time. Two, family is everything, it's what every lonely kid wishes, hopes, and prays for. And three, love isn't handed out in droves. Love is resigned for those who are special enough to find someone in their life to accept them for who they are and never let go.

I have my possessions. I've never been one for materialistic things, but the few items I've kept have meaning in my life. They will forever stay with me.

Family, I'm still hoping and praying for one. Even at my age, I want a family. Hope, she was my family but just like every other cruel happening in my life, I lost her too.

And love, well, maybe someday.

What do I have? An open and understanding ear in Hollyn. A small close-knit group of people to lean on. And hope for the future, hope that I might just be able to become mentally healthy again.

Only time will tell.

Jace Dear Life, Puffy paint? Fuck you.

Carter

Step Four: Dream Big

DAISY.

"Come on you stubborn . . . little . . . thing. Oye!" I screech once the latch hook finally pops into the designated hole I've been trying to squeeze it through. "Stop being so difficult," I chastise the latch-hook rug I've been working on for my grams.

When I was in Michaels the other day, picking up some more puffy paint for the dream board we're supposed to be putting together for Dear Life, I took a gander at the latch-hook rugs and saw a design with two puppies on the front, and I thought what a wonderful "housewarming" present I could give Grams. It would be the perfect little rug for her to step on when she first gets out of bed. It's always nice to step onto something warm when you first get out of bed rather than a cold, hard floor.

She will love it!

I just didn't think it was going to be this stubborn.

"Daisy! Are you up in your room?" Amanda's voice travels up the staircase.

Hopping off my bed, I straighten my green corduroy overalls, and head downstairs. "Hey, everything okay?" I ask.

In the entryway, Amanda is standing with her purse on her shoulder and Hollyn next to her, both wearing coats.

"Oh, hi Hollyn."

"Hey, Daisy."

She turns to Amanda and they exchange a conspiratorial look. What are they up to?

"We're going to go look at bridesmaid's dresses," Amanda says, adjusting the strap of her purse.

Holding onto the bannister, I say, "Wow, that's exciting. Okay, so you're not going to be around for lunch today?"

"No." Amanda chuckles. "We were kind of hoping you would come with us."

I point to myself and adjust the belt that's cinched around my overalls. "You want me to come with you?"

"Well, it's kind of mandatory for all bridesmaids to go shopping for their dresses."

"Mandatory?" What is she . . . "Wait? Am I bridesmaid?"

Hollyn and Amanda both laugh. "Yes. I can't get married without my sister standing next to me."

"Are you serious?" I can't help the giddiness that exudes me. I've never been a bridesmaid before. I've never had friends to even ask me to be a bridesmaid. This is so exciting. My little heart can't take the joy coursing through me.

"Of course I'm serious. Come on, go get your purse, we have some shopping to do."

My brain can't stop my feet from moving. Instead of going upstairs, I fling my body at Amanda and give her a huge hug, before pulling away and looking at her through tear-filled eyes. With a clogged throat, I make her a promise. "Amanda, I can't tell you how much this means to me. I promise I will be the best bridesmaid ever."

Amanda endearingly cups my face like Grams would. "I know you will be. Now go get your purse."

Without skipping a beat, I run up the stairs, tripping on the top one so I fall to my knees. I hear Amanda ask if I'm okay, but I wave her off and scurry to my feet, quickly grabbing a jacket and a purse.

Eeep, girls' day out!

Ahhh, I'm going out with the girls. I'm one of the girls. Grams will be so proud of me.

The car ride to the department store is full of wedding talk. Amanda has almost everything planned, which apparently is a good thing since the wedding is in a few months. Being born and raised in Colorado, she wants a real Colorado wedding, so she's having it out on a ranch just below the mountains, offering a picturesque view. At least that's what she said.

"Did Matt make any requests?" I ask, getting out of the car and following Amanda and Hollyn into Nordstrom.

"Only that he wants steak and mashed potatoes. But really good steak with some kind of garlic butter sauce. Who knows, the venue has it under control. Oh, and he gets to pick out his suit and what the groomsmen are wearing."

"Matt is a sleek dresser, he will make the boys look good," Hollyn offers.

"I agree. I can't wait to see what he picks out. He said since he won't know what I'm wearing, I can't see what he's wearing."

"That's cute and fair."

We walk through the doors of the giant department store and I immediately feel overwhelmed. I've never really been shopping in a fancy store like this. Grams and I would usually hit up the thrift store for some bargain finds. We never bought new unless it was underwear and bras because Grams said ladies with class buy their own garments, they don't wear hand-me-downs. I'm grateful for that rule because the thought of wearing thrift store underwear makes me dry heave.

"This way, ladies." Taking charge, Amanda leads us to the wedding suite. We pass the dress section on the way and I can't help but fawn over all the pretty garments hanging on the racks. Soft fabrics, beads, lace, brand-new tags . . . it's a new world I've never experienced before. Even the smell of the clothing store fills me with euphoria.

Shopping. With the girls. Heaven.

While Amanda talks to a sales clerk, I thumb through the bridesmaid dresses hanging in the wedding suite.

"They are gorgeous," I say to Hollyn when she steps up next to me.

"Everything here is gorgeous. Very flowy and elegant. You will look so pretty in all of them."

"Oh, I don't know," I say shyly. "I've never worn anything like these dresses. I think I might feel out of place."

"Don't say that." Hollyn shakes her head. "You're not out of place, you're just experiencing something new. Relax and enjoy it, Daisy. This is supposed to be fun."

"All right, ladies," Amanda claps her hands, "I've hand-picked a few dresses for you two. Theresa, our lovely store clerk, has pulled them already and set up dressing rooms. You both will be wearing an icy-blue color but your styles will be slightly different."

"Icy blue, what are you trying to make Daisy look like an angel sent from above with her blue eyes and blonde hair?" Hollyn teases and walks toward her dressing room.

"Anything is going to look good on Daisy, it's quite difficult to make her look bad." Pointing at me, Amanda says, "You better grow a zit before the wedding, you can't be prettier than me on my wedding day."

"Oh gosh. That's not possible, Amanda. You're so pretty."

Wrapping her arm around me, she guides me to my dressing room and leans into my ear to say, "So are you. Now try on that dress." Pretty? I've never really put the word pretty next to my name.

I pull the curtain back and only see one dress. Confused, I ask, "Are there supposed to be other dresses?"

Amanda shakes her head. "No, once I saw this dress, I knew you had to wear it. I can't wait to see you in it. Now, go change." She slaps my butt and pushes me forward, shutting the curtain behind me.

Goodness.

I set my items down on the chaise lounge in the dressing room, undo my belt buckle and start undoing my overalls as I take in the dress.

It's gorgeous. I've never seen anything like it. The color will complement my fair skin, blue eyes, and blonde hair. The midsection of the dress seems to be very form-fitting, but the bottom half of the dress is made of silk chiffon and flows beautifully. It looks like something a modern-day Cinderella would wear.

Feeling a little anxious, I pull out my phone and text Carter.

Daisy: I'm trying on a bridesmaid dress for Amanda's wedding. It's so pretty. I've never worn anything like it before.

Once I press send, I take a deep breath, and undress myself, completely aware of everyone on the other side of the curtain. I take my time putting on the dress, not wanting to rip it in any way. From the other side of the curtain, I can hear Amanda and Hollyn talking about a dress she just tried on and not liking the way the bodice has too much sparkle on the front.

My phone beeps with a message. Before I put on the dress, I read the text.

Carter: A new experience, soak it in, Snowflake.

I'm doing just that.

Daisy: I will. Want a selfie?

Gosh, does that sound vain? I don't want Carter thinking I'm full of myself. Would he?

Carter: Sure.

From his short response, I'm going to guess, no.

Carefully, I step into the dress, the skirt pooling on the floor. Slowly, I shimmy the dress up my legs, loving the way the fabric dances around my legs. The sleeves are very delicate and hang off my shoulders, the chiffon barely kissing my skin. The built-in cups lend the support I need. I adjust my breasts, reach behind me and zip the dress up as much as I can.

Taking a deep breath, I turn toward the mirror as a small gasp escapes me. Is that really me?

"Are you dressed yet?" Amanda asks, peeking in the dressing room.

My mouth agape, I stare at my reflection. For the first time in my entire life, the girl I'm used to seeing in the mirror is no longer there and in her place is a beautiful woman.