*I know, love, I know. Are you okay?'

I nodded. *It's his blood...'

She swiveled to the seat beside me and held me. I rested my head on her shoulder. There was so much I wanted to say.

*Is his dad here?' Mum's voice was soft.

*With Taj, Sas and Lou, I think.'

*How did you get here?'

*The police drove me and Sas. I have to wait for them here.'

Mum nodded. *Do you need anything?'

Yep-for Khaden to be okay. *I'm good.'

The two police who'd driven me to the hospital pushed through the swinging doors, their faces grim. One of them was that older cop who'd turned up after we'd been caught shoplifting. That felt like years ago.

*You must be Ruby's mother. I'm John Dobson,' said the cop.

Mum shook his hand. *Virginia Martin.'

*I met your husband the other-'

*He's just told me about that.'

I pulled away from her. If she knew about the cop, she knew about the shoplifting, and that meant she knew about Dad, if Dad had done as he promised.

*How's Khaden?' asked Mum.

*He'll be in surgery for a while.' There seemed to be something he wasn't saying.

*And you need to interview Ruby?'

*Yes, we need to take a statement, then you can take her home.'

Mum nodded.

We followed the police officers into a small room.

I took a deep breath and called back the images I'd worked so hard to push away.

My yawn was so big it felt like I would split in two.

*All done, Ruby,' said John Dobson, rubbing the back of his neck. *We'll type that up and have you look over it at the station tomorrow, okay?'

*Sure.' It didn't sound like my voice.

*So I can take her home?' asked Mum.

The cop nodded. *We'll be in touch tomorrow. Should we call you or your hus-'

*Me,' snapped Mum. *I'll be home with Ruby.'

Dobson nodded. *Right, well, speak to you tomorrow.' The police left.

As we walked back into the waiting room, Lou came through the swinging doors. Sas was a step behind her, face as white as the hospital walls.

I rushed towards them. *How's Khaden?'

Sas stepped around Lou, her face twisted. *I hate you.'

I reeled back. *Sas-'

Sas's eyes were wild. *If you'd kept your b.l.o.o.d.y mouth shut, none of this would have happened.'

Lou took Sas's hand. *Sas, that's not helping anyone, especially Khaden.'

*So? It's true!' Sas's voice carved through the hum of the airconditioner. She leant towards me. *If he dies, Ruby, it's your-'

*Stop it,' said Mum. *Sas, you're upset. What happened to Khaden is terrible, but it's no one's fault.'

*Why couldn't you just shut up, Ruby?' Tears splashed down Sas's cheeks.

*I'll call you tomorrow, Ginny,' said Lou, guiding Sas, who'd started to sob, to the door.

Sas Please. Please. Please. Please G.o.d, Buddha, Allah, Universe, Higher Power, whoever.

Please.

I'll never b.i.t.c.h about having to look after the girls again.

I'll call Dad-twice a day, every day.

I'll try harder with Lee.

I'll even visit Aunty Mavis at that stinky old people's home.

Please, please. I'll do anything.

Ruby I pretended to fall asleep on the way home so Mum wouldn't try to talk to me about what had happened, or about Dad. The moment she pulled on the handbrake in the driveway, I bolted to the bathroom. Under the shower, I tried to wash away Khaden's blood and the memory of what had happened. The hot water ran out.

In bed I snuggled under the doona, trying to warm the chill in my heart, and stared at the night shadows outside the window. The door eased open. Mum crept across the room, lay down and wrapped her arms around me.

*Stuart's staying at a motel,' she said.

*He told you, then?'

*You poor, poor kid,' she said into my shoulder. *I'm so sorry.'

*What are you sorry for?' I pushed the words past the lump in my throat.

*If I'd been a better Mum ... paid more attention. I knew something was troubling you, Ruby, something big. I should have made you talk.'

*It wouldn't have changed anything.'

*It might have, and you wouldn't have had to cope with that awful secret on your own.'

Huge sobs rushed from me. I wriggled around and, face buried in Mum's shoulder, let them come.

Sas Kaleidoscope of feelings Hurtling through my brain.

Agony and despair wrestle hope and faith.

Daring to dream, daring to believe, despite the Earnest faces that come and go.

Not listening, won't listen, to the words they say.

Ruby Mum woke me after she'd taken Archie to school. While she emptied the dishwasher, I sat at the table, poking the muesli and yoghurt with my spoon. All I could think about was Khaden's face as he lay on the footpath. And all that blood.

I jumped when the phone rang.

*Got it,' said Mum, closing the dishwasher door.

She answered in her formal voice.

I sipped orange juice. Silence drew my attention back to Mum. Her face had turned grey and her mouth hung open.

Dad, I figured.

But then she glanced at me and her face crumpled.

*Mum?'

She raised her hand. *Thanks for calling, Lou. And Sas? Oh, of course. Yes, yes, I know. I'll tell her. It's just too awful.' Mum placed the phone in its cradle as though it might shatter.

I pushed back from the table. *Mum, what's wrong?'

When she looked up, she was crying. *Oh, Ruby. It's Khaden.'

Sas KHADEN JAMES ELLIOT.

To: Hey Dad, thanks for coming today, it was so good to see you, and to talk, you know, really talk. After the way I've treated you, I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd stayed away. You do know I couldn't have written that thing without your help, don't you?

Sorry about all the tears. Who knew I could cry so much? I'm not sure I said all the things I needed to, and I figured with all my blubbering it would have been tough for you to understand, so I'm emailing the important bits.

Dad, seriously, you think I was angry because you are gay? Sure, that surprised me, but it didn't shock me. What shocked me was that you didn't feel you could be honest with me.

I can understand that Nona and Aunty Leta's reaction must have hurt you, but I'm nothing like them. At least I know why you haven't seen Nona and Aunty Leta for a while and why they stay away from us.

Anyway, back to us. It wasn't the gay thing that hurt. What hurt-really hurt and made me so angry-wasn't that you're gay, but that you didn't tell me yourself. I couldn't, and still can't understand why you just sat there while Lee blurted it out in that horrible black and steel cafe (which, FYI, is not cool. It's just cold and soulless). Call me paranoid, but it was as though Lee enjoyed telling me.

As well as p.i.s.sed, I have to admit to being embarra.s.sed.

How stupid am I not to have worked out that you and Lee were together? You two must have thought I was such an idiot. I mean, h.e.l.lo, Lee came just about everywhere with us-the beach, cafes, movies. It makes me cringe to think about it.

You know what else? I keep remembering all those things I said to you about Lee. Why didn't you stop me? Don't get me wrong, I meant them, Lee is an old woman. He does pick on your cooking and clothes too much, and he does need to stop fighting it and just go bald, but you could have told me to shut up, or at least, said something.

And when you started taking Lee to stuff instead of me a the African band at the zoo first, then the air show a that really hurt. They used to be our things. It was like you'd dumped me.

His age bugs me too. He's not even twenty-five and you're old. I never figured you for a cougar. (Does cougar apply to gay people?) So there it is, Dad, that's what I was trying to tell you today. I stopped talking to you because I was mad, embarra.s.sed and hurt. I was trying to hurt you back, only it turns out all I did was hurt myself more.

After Khaden, being so angry with you seems stupid. I don't want us to fight anymore, Dad. I'm sorry, completely sorry.

Last thing, while I'm apologising. I'm sorry I bit your head off about Ruby, too. Yeah, you're right, I do need to talk to her properly, but just not yet.

No wonder she was off her head knowing all that stuff about her dad. It must have been horrible. Maybe one day, if we are honest with each other, Ruby and I can, I don't know, be okay.

I'm going to try and sleep before tomorrow. I wish I could run from it all, be anywhere but here. Everything here reminds me of Khaden. I hate the thought of life, school next year, of everything without him. How am I meant to deal with that, Dad?

I'll see you tomorrow. I'm so glad you will be there with Mum and me. Can't believe you conned Lee into babysitting the girls. Not sure who to feel sorry for-okay, that was uncool. If you're happy Dad, then I promise to try.

Last thing, really, truly the last thing.

Will the hole in my chest ever go away?

I love you Dad, and I miss you.

Sa.s.sy xoxoxe Ruby At Khaden's funeral, I sat behind a pillar with Mum, who kept her arm wrapped around my shoulder. Even after everything that had happened over the last couple of days, she sat straight and tall.

Sas was in the front row with her dad, Taj, Mike and Lou. I only glanced at them a couple of times. It hurt too much to see the sorrow on their faces.

Across the aisle from me, a woman with dark skin and long fingers like Khaden, cried the whole time. She hung her head when Mike talked about how hard it was for Khaden not having his mum around.

When Taj spoke, he told stories about Khaden playing Guitar Hero, crashing Taj's new bike into a brick fence and buckling the wheel, and smashing Mike's Led Zeppelin record when he used it as a Frisbee. That made everyone laugh, except for the woman to my right. She cried harder.

Even though my throat hurt and my eyes stung, I didn't cry. I thought I was cried out, but then came Sas's turn to speak about Khaden-her boyfriend-and the tears streamed down my face. I cried for Khaden, Sas, me, Mum, and Dad, wherever he had moved to, and I cried for us-Khaden, Ruby and Sas.

I couldn't face the photos that flashed across the display board, not even when Mum said, *You were so little.' I figure I was in a few of them, but why wouldn't I be? Khaden, Sas and I used to be inseparable.

After the service at the cemetery, Mum and I waited behind a group of people to speak to Mike and Taj, who both hugged me. I couldn't find the right words to say to them, so I said nothing.

As we were walking back to the car, I noticed Taj standing, arms folded, under an old gum. The woman who'd been sitting opposite me and Mum at the church, the one with the hands that reminded me of Khaden's, was talking to him. Taj's face was pale and twisted as though he was in pain.

I realised, and gasped.

*What Ruby?' asked Mum.