PHA. Anaides! you talk'd of a tune, Philautia; there's one speaks in a key, like the opening of some justice's gate, or a postboy's horn, as if his voice feared an arrest for some ill words it should give, and were loth to come forth.

PHI. Ay, and he has a very imperfect face.

PHA. Like a sea-monster, that were to ravish Andromeda from the rock.

PHI. His hands too great too, by at least a straw's breadth.

PHA. Nay, he has a worse fault than that too.

PHI. A long heel?

PHA. That were a fault in a lady, rather than him: no, they say he puts off the calves of his legs, with his stockings, every night.

PHI. Out upon him! Turn to another of the pictures, for love's sake. What says Argurion? Whom does she commend afore the rest?

CUP. I hope I have instructed her sufficiently for an answer.

[ASIDE.]

MOR. Troth, I made the motion to her ladyship for one to-day, i'the presence, but it appear'd she was otherways furnished before: she would none.

PHA. Who was that Argurion?

MOR. Marry, the poor plain gentleman in the black there.

PHA. Who, Crites?

ARG. Ay, ay, he: a fellow that n.o.body so much as look'd upon, or regarded; and she would have had me done him particular grace.

PHA. That was a true trick of yourself, Moria, to persuade Argurion to affect the scholar.

ARG. Tut, but she shall be no chooser for me. In good faith, I like the citizen's son there, Asotus; methinks none of them all come near him.

PHA. Not Hedon?

ARG. Hedon! In troth no. Hedon's a pretty slight courtier, and he wears his clothes well, and sometimes in fashion; marry, his face is but indifferent, and he has no such excellent body. No, the other is a most delicate youth; a sweet face, a straight body, a well-proportion'd leg and foot, a white hand, a tender voice.

PHI. How now, Argurion!

PHA. O, you should have let her alone, she was bestowing a copy of him upon us. Such a nose were enough to make me love a man, now.

PHI. And then his several colours he wears; wherein he flourisheth changeably, every day.

PHA. O, but his short hair, and his narrow eyes!

PHI. Why she doats more palpably upon him than ever his father did upon her.

PHA. Believe me, the young gentleman deserves it. If she could doat more, 'twere not amiss. He is an exceeding proper youth, and would have made a most neat barber surgeon, if he had been put to it in time.

PHI. Say you so? Methinks he looks like a tailor already.

PHA. Ay, that had sayed on one of his customer's suits. His face is like a squeezed orange, or--

ARG. Well ladies, jest on: the best of you both would be glad of such a servant.

MOR. Ay, I'll be sworn would they, though he be a little shame-faced.

PHA. Shame-faced, Moria! out upon him. Your shame-faced servant is your only gull.

MOR. Go to, beauties, make much of time, and place, and occasion, and opportunity, and favourites, and things that belong to them, for I'll ensure you they will all relinquish; they cannot endure above another year; I know it out of future experience; and therefore take exhibition, and warning: I was once a reveller myself, and though I speak it, as mine own trumpet, I was then esteem'd--

PHI. The very march-pane of the court, I warrant you.

PHA. And all the gallants came about you like flies, did they not?

MOR. Go to, they did somewhat; that's no matter now.

PHA. Nay, good Moria, be not angry. Put case, that we four now had the grant from Juno, to wish ourselves into what happy estate we could, what would you wish to be, Moria?

MOR. Who, I! let me see now. I would wish to be a wise woman, and know all the secrets of court, city, and country. I would know what were done behind the arras, what upon the stairs, what in the garden, what in the nymphs' chamber, what by barge, and what by coach. I would tell you which courtier were scabbed and which not; which lady had her own face to lie with her a-nights and which not; who put off their teeth with their clothes in court, who their hair, who their complexion; and in which box they put it. There should not a nymph, or a widow, be got with child in the verge, but I would guess, within one or two, who was the right father, and in what month it was gotten; with what words, and which way. I would tell you which madam loved a monsieur, which a player, which a page; who slept with her husband, who with her friend, who with her gentleman-usher, who with her horse-keeper, who with her monkey, and who with all; yes, and who jigg'd the c.o.c.k too.

PHA. Fie, you'd tell all, Moria! If I should wish now, it should be to have your tongue out. But what says Philautia? Who should she be?

PHI. Troth, the very same I am. Only I would wish myself a little more command and sovereignty; that all the court were subject to my absolute beck, and all things in it depending on my look; as if there were no other heaven but in my smile, nor other h.e.l.l but in my frown; that I might send for any man I list, and have his head cut off when I have done with him, or made an eunuch if he denied me; and if I saw a better face than mine own, I might have my doctor to poison it. What would you wish, Phantaste?

PHA. Faith, I cannot readily tell you what: but methinks I should wish myself all manner of creatures. Now I would be an empress, and by and by a d.u.c.h.ess; then a great lady of state, then one of your miscellany madams, then a waiting-woman, then your citizen's wife, then a coa.r.s.e country gentlewoman, then a dairy-maid, then a shepherd's la.s.s, then an empress again, or the queen of fairies: and thus I would prove the vicissitudes and whirl of pleasures about and again. As I were a shepherdess, I would be piped and sung to; as a dairy-wench, I would dance at maypoles, and make syllabubs; as a country gentlewoman, keep a good house, and come up to term to see motions; as a citizen's wife, to be troubled with a jealous husband, and put to my shifts; others' miseries should be my pleasures. As a waiting-woman, I would taste my lady's delights to her; as a miscellany madam, invent new tires, and go visit courtiers; as a great lady, lie a-bed, and have courtiers visit me; as a d.u.c.h.ess, I would keep my state; and as an empress, I would do any thing. And, in all these shapes, I would ever be follow'd with the affections of all that see me. Marry, I myself would affect none; or if I did, it should not be heartily, but so as I might save myself in them still, and take pride in tormenting the poor wretches. Or, now I think on't, I would, for one year, wish myself one woman; but the richest, fairest, and delicatest in a kingdom, the very centre of wealth and beauty, wherein all lines of love should meet; and in that person I would prove all manner of suitors, of all humours, and of all complexions, and never have any two of a sort. I would see how love, by the power of his object, could work inwardly alike, in a choleric man and a sanguine, in a melancholic and a phlegmatic, in a fool and a wise man, in a clown and a courtier, in a valiant man and a coward; and how he could vary outward, by letting this gallant express himself in dumb gaze; another with sighing and rubbing his fingers; a third with play-ends and pitiful verses; a fourth, with stabbing himself, and drinking healths, or writing languishing letters in his blood; a fifth, in colour'd ribands and good clothes; with this lord to smile, and that lord to court, and the t'other lord to dote, and one lord to hang himself. And, then, I to have a book made of all this, which I would call the "Book of Humours," and every night read a little piece ere I slept, and laugh at it.--Here comes Hedon.

ENTER HEDON, ANAIDES, AND MERCURY, WHO RETIRES WITH CUPID TO THE BACK OF THE STAGE, WHERE THEY CONVERSE TOGETHER.

HED. Save you sweet and clear beauties! By the spirit that moves in me, you are all most pleasingly bestow'd, ladies. Only I can take it for no good omen, to find mine Honour so dejected.

PHI. You need not fear, sir; I did of purpose humble myself against your coming, to decline the pride of my Ambition.

HED. Fair Honour, Ambition dares not stoop; but if it be your sweet pleasure, I shall lose that t.i.tle, I will, as I am Hedon, apply myself to your bounties.

PHI. That were the next way to dis-t.i.tle myself of honour. O, no, rather be still Ambitious, I pray you.

HED. I will be any thing that you please, whilst it pleaseth you to be yourself, lady. Sweet Phantaste, dear Moria, most beautiful Argurion--

ANA. Farewell, Hedon.

HED. Anaides, stay, whither go you?

ANA. 'Slight, what should I do here? an you engross them all for your own use, 'tis time for me to seek out.

HED. I engross them! Away, mischief; this is one of your extravagant jests now, because I began to salute them by their names.

ANA. Faith, you might have spared us madam Prudence, the guardian there, though you had more covetously aim'd at the rest.

HED. 'Sheart, take them all, man: what speak you to me of aiming or covetous?