"Maybe."

Nathaniel paced away from me, then back. "Anita, you can't keep pretending that you don't carry the beasts inside you."

"I don't pretend . . ."

"Control doesn't mean you ignore your beasts. Control means you make peace, or something, with them. It's a cooperation, not a dictatorship."

I shrugged again. "I'm powerful enough that most of the time I can dictate."

"Losing control once a month or more isn't a curse, Anita. It's a release," he said.

I shook my head. "I don't like losing control."

"Well, that's an understatement," Bobby Lee said.

I frowned at him.

"Don't give me grief when you just fucked up your inner menagerie."

"They didn't complain when I caught the hyena."

"That was another predator and an accident. You let Rafael cut you up in rat-man form, hoping to catch what we have."

"I didn't think they'd see a difference."

"You mean your beasts wouldn't see it as different?"

"Yeah."

"Why wouldn't they see the difference between an accident and a deliberate act?" Bobby Lee asked.

I didn't want to say it out loud, because even in my head it sounded condescending and stupid. But sometimes if you're thinking loud enough, the people tied to you metaphysically can hear you thinking. I thought I had control of that, too, but I was going to be wrong again.

Nathaniel stared at me. "You didn't think they'd know the difference. Even a real leopard knows what an accident is, Anita." His face let me see just how disappointed he was in me.

"That's pretty species-ist, Anita," Domino remarked.

"No, it's human-centric," Bobby Lee corrected. "She still thinks of herself as human first."

"No," Damian said, "I can feel . . . She thinks of herself as human, period."

"Just because you don't shift into animal form doesn't make you human," Nathaniel said.

"I think it does."

"So the fact that I shift to leopard means I'm less than human?" And there was the anger again, him speaking for my beasts, or maybe just for part of me that I couldn't accept.

"No, of course not," I said.

"But being human is better," he said.

"I didn't say that. I would never say that."

"You're still relieved that you don't shift," he said, and his lavender eyes stared into me as if he saw my thoughts and feelings laid bare, because he was right. I was relieved that I didn't change form. I did think it was better. Did that make me the species equivalent of a racist? Did it make me human-centric? Maybe it did.

"Wow, okay," Domino said, "that's a lot of truth to share all at once."

"Can you feel what she's feeling, too?" Nathaniel asked.

"I hear her thoughts more than her feelings."

Nathaniel turned to Damian. "Are you her thoughts, or her feelings?"

"Her thoughts, your emotions, I think. This level of contact is new, so I'm not positive which way it runs."

"As the only person in this room not tied to you intimately, I'll say this: You have to consider your beasts as a real part of you, Anita. You are one of the most powerful metaphysics I've ever met, but eventually you'll need to become whole, and that means embracing all of yourself, including the parts that want to turn furry once a month," Domino said sternly.

"Even if they don't turn furry once a month?"

"Maybe especially then, because contacting them through meditation and magic is the only way you can communicate with them."

I didn't know what to say to that. "It's a little late to apologize."

"Apologize to who? Your beasts, Nathaniel and Damian, Bobby Lee?" Domino asked.

"All of the above," I said.

"That's a start," he said.

Bobby Lee said, "You asked me who else goes to Ireland. How about Domino? He de-escalated this nicely."

"Yeah, thanks for the help, Domino."

"It's my job. Besides, this is nothing next to some of the fights Max and Bibiana used to get into in Vegas. When your Master of the City and the queen of your clan go at it, you've got serious trouble."

I laughed. "I bet they have real doozies."

"They're powerful enough to destroy each other. Instead they've been married for over seventy years. As bodyguards, part of our job is to see trouble and head it off."

"The three of you are going to be on a learning curve with this new power level. Looks like Domino can help with that," Bobby Lee said.

I nodded. "Agreed."

"And no offense meant, but he can act as food for the ardeur if needed."

"No offense taken," I said.

"I'm actually off the menu," he said.

Bobby Lee looked from one of us to the other. "I'd heard Anita was shortening her list of lovers."

"I'm sorry, Domino, but there just isn't enough of me to go around to this many people. I can't date a dozen people. No one can."

"I remember our talk, Anita." He only sounded a little bitter.

"I'm not going to apologize again."

"No one's asking you to."

"Enough," Bobby Lee said. "Domino only goes if it's going to make things better, not worse."

"I can handle myself and it's like any breakup; you heal in stages," he said.

I tried very hard not to think that it didn't feel like a breakup to me, because we hadn't had a relationship; we'd had sex on a semiregular basis, but for whatever reason it had never clicked emotionally between us like it had between Nathaniel and me. Hell, it had never clicked between the wereleopard and the vampire until this last literally magical moment. Domino had never crossed the emotional divide for me, or not enough. I understood that it was Nathaniel's emotions that were making Damian more than he had been, but even knowing that, I couldn't seem to separate it out into his, my, and Damian's feelings. Lucky for me none of my other animals to call had a vampire to back them up, and I wasn't tied to any other vampires except for Jean-Claude and Damian. I'd almost married Richard once, thanks in part to the vampire marks that Jean-Claude had on both of us.

I looked from Nathaniel to Damian, and for the first time my gaze lingered over both of them. I suddenly wished Micah or Jean-Claude could come with us to Ireland-not for solving crime, or physical safety, but for emotional safety. It probably wasn't a great idea to go to Ireland without either of the other two that I wanted to marry. I needed someone else who would help Nathaniel not obsess about the new relationship parameters with Damian, because his obsession could so easily become mine. I was taking the two women that we shared with us, but one was more a fuck buddy for all of us and the other had a primary in her vampire master, who was the love of her life. If I was looking at Damian like he was way more to me than he had been, than I knew Nathaniel was, we needed a buffer.

I was pretty sure I knew who to take to help me hold on to my heart, but we needed someone to help Nathaniel, too. I looked at Domino and knew another weretiger who might be just the ticket.

25.

I FINALLY GOT Micah on the phone between peace negotiations. "How are the negotiations going?" I asked.

"We haven't had to fight anyone yet. Everyone is still talking about a resolution that may actually be bloodless."

"That's great. You know I worry when you go out to these peace talks."

"Because before they'll settle for peace, they usually want a little war," he said, and his voice held laughter, but it was too close to true for me to find it funny.

"Ironic that I don't like the shoe being on the other foot for the dangerous stuff," I said.

"You're very good about not saying the worry out loud."

"Thanks, you've been such a good sport about all the crime fighting over the years that it would just be bad form for me to bitch now."

He did laugh then. "Since when is being part of a couple fair?"

"Since I try to be," I said, and I gave him a little laugh, because that was what he was wanting.

"We all try to be fair," he said.

"We really do."

"So Edward found a way to bring you in as a consultant to Ireland."

"Yeah, but not just me. I can bring some of the guards with me."

"Really? How did he manage that?"

"It's Edward. He's like the go-to guy for the nearly impossible stuff."

"Who are you taking with you?" he asked.

"That's what I wanted you to know before we left."

"Uh-oh," he said.

"What uh-oh?"

"You don't expect me to be happy about some of the people you're taking with you."

"How do you know that?"

"Your voice just now told me."

"I love that you know me so well, and sometimes it's a little unsettling."

"That's better than creepy, which is what you thought all of this interpersonal couple stuff was once."

"I wasn't that bad," I said.

"Do you really want to have this debate now? I only have a few minutes before I have to go back inside and play referee for more negotiations."

"Point made," I said, and tried to explain how I'd ended up going to Ireland with not just Nathaniel, but every lover he had. Jean-Claude was staying home, but he and Micah weren't lovers, contrary to the rumor mill.

He was quiet for a minute, then said slowly, as if he were choosing his words, "So let me test my understanding-you're taking Nathaniel because he finally figured out how to control your triumvirate with Damian, which gives you a power boost and makes Damian feel safer going back to the country he escaped from?"

"He didn't escape. His old master let him go."

"After torturing him for centuries, she just let him go?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"He thinks in her own twisted way she cared for him and was afraid she would finally kill him."

"You mean she sent him away to save him?" Micah sounded dubious. I couldn't really blame him.

"That's what Damian said."