You know how waking up to perfect skies, enough sunshine to warm you, not enough to bake you, or watching a silent fall of quarter-sized snowflakes gives you delicious shivers of pleasure?

Somewhere on my stroll with the monster, I'd lost these things.

Feeling Good

became a matter of scale.

One to ten, "ten" being one step shy of shredding the time-s.p.a.ce continuum, "one" being ten steps shy of dropping flat in my tracks.

Every increment required meth or more meth.

I didn't have to go all the way up, but up, I did need to go.

After a while, even high, I could almost make believe food didn't taste like cardboard, almost float down into REM sleep, almost function the next day, almost look forward to my almost 17th birthday.

I Would Celebrate Several Ways

One with my family. My mid-October birthday always meant a trip to San Francisco to play tourist on Fisherman's Wharf, scarf too much seafood, shop Ghiradelli Square, and visit my grandma-to see just how far she had slipped away toward the underworld of dementia.

We went down the weekend before and it was just as I imagined. I knew things had taken a turn for the worse when Grandma stood up in church and yelled, "I have to go to the bathroom!" Flying relatively high on the monster, I laughed like a lunatic all the way home. Which made Mom mad and made me wonder: Does insanity swim in our gene pool?

In One of Her Better Moments

Grandma drew me aside, put one finger to creviced lips and whispered, Kristina, dear, I've got something here I want you to have.

One tentative hand stretched toward mine. Grandma's eyes sparkled, gla.s.s under rain.

My grandmother gave this to me on my own 17th birthday.

It was a beautiful gold locket-24 karat, with an inlay of diamonds.

But the real treasure was inside.

That's my wedding picture, there.

And my grandmother's, there.

Both women wore ivory lace, simplicity made lovely with a spray of yellow roses-and my locket.

I ask only one thing. Please pa.s.s it on to your own granddaughter?

"Of course, Grandma. Thank you!"

It felt like wealth around my neck- a wealth of love.

Celebration Two

My birthday fell on Friday night.

After dinner Mom broke out the cake and presents-cool velour jeans from Leigh, matching sweater from Jake, diamond studs from Mom and Scott.

Hope you like them.

"I love them. Thanks, Mom."

What wasn't to like? I went to look in the mirror. The stones magnified the pale bathroom light, like my growing guilt. Mom came in behind me.

I wanted you to have something special.

I watched her in the mirror.

She reached out, as if to touch me, withdrew instead. Maybe if she had followed through, everything that came after wouldn't have.

I feel like I've lost you, Kristina. I guess it had to happen sometime. It's as much my fault as yours.

It was a stunning confession.

And probably not completely accurate.

Yes, she had distanced herself through work and stretching her affection. But the monster was a mightier intruder.

Please be careful.

I'm worried that you've made some bad choices. Don't let them go from bad to worse.

Half of Me

wanted to whine.

Wanted to rage.

Wanted to get right up into her face and shout, "What about your bad choices, Mom?

Have you ever once stopped to consider how they not only created me, but helped mold me into the not-so-fine, not-so-upstanding, old-beyond-her-years, not-exactly-a-lady standing in front of you?"

The other half told me to shut up, told me to smile, told me to find a hint of contrition and agree, "You're right, Mom, some of my choices haven't been the best lately.

I promise to try harder to do the right things, and make you proud of me."

Considering I had made plans with Chase for celebration number three, plans that might very well test just how bad my choices had become, guess which half won.

Let's Just Say I Got to Go

Chase picked me up for my Big Day.

He actually knocked, went mano a mano with Mom and Scott.

Evening. So nice to finally meet you. Kristina has told me so many good things a bout you.

Oh, that boy was a player! Scott shook his hand, invited him inside and Mom thawed her frozen glare.

Don't worry about a thing. The concert may run late, but we'll be back before we turn into pumpkins!

We didn't have a concert in mind, of course. Chase's mom was out of town.

He had a special party planned.

I got the E. It's critical-pure MDMA, the real deal. But you don't have to try it if you don't want to.

Speed, with a hint of psychedelia?

Going primeval, no fear, no pain?

"I want to do everything with you."

Cool. 'Cause I want you to go all the way to heaven.

And I want to take you there.

We got to his house hours before the others would arrive. (Parents gone?

Stoner grapevine buzzes overtime.) Let's drop the E right now.

I want you to peak while it's just you and me.

I had no idea what to expect.

It took an hour to come on and discover a new universe.

Ecstasy Is Hard to Describe

Chase Was Right There

riveted to my side as I laughed, as I cried.

Finally, he kissed me, and it was just as fine as any kiss could ever be.

Tender.