His question reeked of voyeurism.

And he accepted my negative answer with a smile that meant he didn't believe a word.

I wondered if Mom would have.

Dad Went Out

Left me to fret to stress to cry to choke on emotion and great green nose clogging gobs in sincere need of a good blow instead, I let the snot drip.

I Was Mid-Drip

when Adam knocked on the door.

I half considered pretending I wasn't there.

Hurting.

Bursting.

Over him.

Over this whole sorry pile of c.r.a.p I'd dug myself into.

But I wanted to see him more than anything.

Needed to know I hadn't imagined the whole head over heels thing. I had to go home in a couple of days. I wanted to go still in love.

I found a paper towel, let go a mighty blow and went to let him in, even though I knew I must have looked very much like my dead and buried grandma.

Okay, I Looked Awful

To anyone else, he probably looked worse.

To me, he resembled an angel.

A poor, sad, beautiful angel.

His hurt swallowed mine, like s.p.a.ce swallows time, and the two intertwine.

We tangled together I'm sorry.

Me too.

I'm just so confused.

Ditto.

I do know I love you.

Ditto squared.

So of Course I Did a Really Stupid Thing

He pulled a bindle from his pocket, tapped the sparkly powder inside.

Cooked up fresh yesterday.

Mother Kristina said no.

The monster stormed Bree's door.

That's my girl. Let's forget the bulls.h.i.t and fly.

We soared through the night, well beyond daylight.

Funny thing about the monster.

The worse he treats you, the more you love him.

I knew already that had to be true.

Blood geysered in my veins.

Thoughts stampeded across my brain. Together, ecstasy.

You are the most incredible girl.

I never believed someone like you would fall for someone like me.

But are you Kristina? Or Bree?

At the moment, all Bree.

"Kristina is who they made me.

Bree is who I choose to be. How 'bout you? Adam or Buddy?"

With you, I am Adam.

And you are my beautiful Eve. Let's run away, find our garden, live there together, happy. Naked.

Adam

took me in his arms hurt, forgotten ice kisses melting Unhurried hands lifted Pump. Pump. Pump my shirt Pa.s.sion rose up in my heart.

and a bit farther south The monster-fueled thigh to belly b.u.t.ton inferno built Adam's mouth moved by trembling inch lower, inch I was ready to do it right that very instant....

oh, so ready.

But First I Had to Pee

Pa.s.sing the mirror, I chanced a glance at Bree, crank embers glowing behind dilated black windows.

She didn't look half bad, certainly not dead and buried.

In fact, she looked quite animated.

I dropped my jeans. And guess what I discovered, already staining my panties?

That pesky monthly visitor who shows, unbidden, on your step, a true-blue party killer.

Only this time, encouraged by the monster, it blew across the threshold, smashed down my door.

I staunched the flow, changed my clothes, and went to tell Adam.

Fl.u.s.tered, flushed, he swore he didn't care, pouted and pleaded and cajoled.

But I was not about to lose my virginity in a fountain of menstrual fluid.

How many times have I regretted that decision?

But That Day

there was still enough Kristina left to feel humiliation still a smattering of old-fashioned morals, somewhere inside; still a healthy dose of survival instinct, buried beneath a childhood, fractured by hormones, smashed by the monster's fist and pressed into memory by two-faced bravo

So I Said

"No way."

Why not?

"You know why not."

But you know you want to.