"Of course I have got money, but I haven't got it with me; and I shall have to give you a check."

He just gave a little sniff and turned his head and glanced up at a framed card above the desk which read--

+-----------------+ |NO CHECKS CASHED.| +-----------------+

"But," I hastened to add, "I'll tell you what I would like to have you do. You telegraph, at my expense of course, to Mr. Murphy, of the Genesee Hotel, or Mr. Shea, at Shea's Theater, and I think they will a.s.sure you that Will Cressy's check is good."

He sniffed again and looked at me through those big gla.s.ses, and I began to get rattled in earnest. There must be some way; I must have something that will convince this man I am not a crook. I have it! My Identification Card from my insurance company. Hastily getting out my pocketbook I showed him this card.

"I can show you all right that I am Will Cressy. See? Here is my picture; and how heavy I am; and how tall; and the color of my eyes; and hair; and my signature."

Anxiously I looked up at him again. And I hadn't touched him. I began to get desperate. Frantically I searched through my pocketbook for _something_ that would show my ident.i.ty. I dragged out my different Club Cards.

"See!" I said, "I belong to the Lambs' Club, in New York; and the Friars; and the Green Room Club; and the Touring Club of America; and the Vaudeville Comedy Club."

I stopped; almost tearfully I looked at him. I could do no more. He sniffed again, shifted his weight from one foot to the other and said,

"You're a h.e.l.l of a feller when you're home, ain't ye?"

As I was going to the theater in Indianapolis I pa.s.sed two ladies who were busily discussing a third.

"You know she can't hear very well," said one.

"No, I see she can't," said the other.

"Bobbie" Richardson was not feeling very well, and for the past four nights had been taking a couple of pills each night. The fifth night Mrs. Bobbie happened to glance over toward him just as he was about to take his two pills.

"Bobbie," she said with a gasp, "what are you doing?"

"I am taking a couple of my pills," replied Bobbie.

"My Goodness," said Mrs. Bobbie, "those are not pills; that is a bottle I gave Alice to keep her beads in."

Julius Tannen and his wife were--er--talking it over. That is, _she_ was; Julius was playing he was the audience. Finally Julius got an opening and said,

"Say, what would you think if you and I ever thought the same about something?"

Quick as a flash Mrs. Julius answered,

"I should know I was wrong."

[Ill.u.s.tration: The Band of Hope.]

LET US HOPE

"The Normal School Band uniforms will consist of a coat and cap at first, with the probable addition of trousers at a later date."--_Kalamazoo Gazette._

At the Seelback Hotel in Louisville, Ky., I asked the colored waiter if they served a table d'hote meal in the morning. He hesitated for a moment, then picked up the bill of fare, studied on it for a moment, then said,

"Er--no, suh; we haven't got table doe meal, but we have got oat meal."

I saw a wedding announcement in a Kansas City paper the other day and I didn't blame the girl a bit. Her name was Leafy Gose.

Al Fields' (Fields & Lewis) mother and father came from Berlin. Father teaches stuttering people not to stutter. One day he was busily beating time for a pupil to talk to, when the bell rang; he went to the door and a boy handed in a bundle, saying,

"Frank Brothers."

A couple of days afterwards Mother said to him,

"Papa, haf you seen a pair of slippers come by der house for Mama?"

No, Papa had seen no slippers.

"It iss funny iss," said Mama. "Two days ago yet I buy me a pair of slippers from Frank Brothers; unt they say they vill sent them by a boy to the house."

"From who iss it?" asked Papa anxiously.

"From Frank Brothers."

"Gott in Himmel; I thought the boy said 'Frankfurters'; they are the ice box in."

Al and his father were sitting at the breakfast table.

"Where iss it that you go next veek?" asked Papa.

"Birmingham," said Al shortly.

At this moment Mama came in from the kitchen, and overheard.

"No, Allie," she said quickly, "it iss not the ham vat iss burning; it iss the eggs."