One woman we talked to started ironing her husband's shirts and doing his laundry when she stayed home. She also took a cooking course and catered to her husband's culinary tastes because she said she looked at staying home like a job. In her mind, a.s.sisting her husband with some of his needs was part of her responsibility.

Also, keep in mind that no husband in his right mind wants to stir up and continue to stoke conflict with the person who sleeps next to him at night. Men fear it. Most of the guys we know will lie, cheat, and steal to avoid full-on battles with their spouses. Expect one or two blowouts about major spontaneous purchases. But after a couple of arctic freeze-out nights, behavior modification will occur. He'll actually talk to you before he buys the car, iPod, fill-in-the-blank.

Strategies for Discussing Spending with Your Spouse * If your husband's spending becomes a problem, try to identify the real issue. Is it that you're not working? He may feel that if you just went back to work this wouldn't be a problem. If that's the case, you'll need to go back to the original discussion about why you both agreed you shouldn't work in the first place.* Don't begin by attacking him for spending too much. The natural human instinct in that circ.u.mstance is to attack back or shut down and not hear you. Instead, approach him, remembering that you are teammates, not opponents.* Gather all your data. Be prepared to show him the family expenses for the past few months and the family's resulting financial picture.* Take a team approach in talking to him. Say "I'm worried about our expenses." Use words like we we, our our, and us us in your conversation. in your conversation.* Remind him of your individual roles on the team. Use a football a.n.a.logy. You're an offensive lineman, and he's the quarterback. Each needs the other for the team to win.* Listen to his concerns and offer constructive suggestions in response. Be willing to offer compromises, but don't bring up things you would never really consider like switching roles or working part time.

Don't worry if you fight more than usual at first. Remember your first year of marriage. You were adjusting and readjusting the power dynamic, how to keep your individuality while being a couple and who does what around the house. This is a lot like that; it's a time to redefine the relationship and make claims on power. Know that this too shall grind itself into a reasonably healthy version of a relationship.

HOW TO CUT DOWN.

We know it's hard to do when you have to buy baby stuff and maternity clothes, but there are areas you naturally will be cutting down on and other areas where you can cut down spending with some effort. For example, you won't be drinking when you're pregnant so that's a cost saver unless you decide to throw yourself a 'Ritas and Rattles baby shower like a friend of J.C.'s did. Never heard of one? They're all the rage in Texas. The 'ritas are margaritas, which are served at a c.o.c.ktail party kind of co-ed shower. Needless to say, there's drinking at the showers, and they're expensive to throw.

You can also cut down on how much you go out to eat. For the first trimester you'll be throwing up a lot anyway so you might as well eat cheaply. You can cut down your cable package. Doctors usually advise pregnant women not to drink a lot of coffee or any other caffeinated beverage so you won't be going to Starbucks every morning. You'll be saving three or four bucks a pop.

Baby Gear Baby stores are filled with gadgets like head cradles to make it easier for your baby to sleep in the car seat. By the way, nine times out of ten the head cradles are completely useless and hard to maneuver into the car seat. Most babies, like adults, will droop their heads forward, not to the side, where the head cradle is, when they sleep. The point? There are a lot of useless things out there that you can save money on by not buying.

Sleep Positioners Designed to help keep the baby resting on his side and thus in theory reduce the risk of SIDS (clearly a worthwhile goal), these products rarely work as intended. Monica tried a few of these and frequently checked on her son during a nap only to find him sleeping peacefully on one end of the crib and the sleep positioner on the other.

Ba.s.sinet You don't need it. Unless your baby is Tom Thumb, he will fit in it for about three months and then you're stuck with a $100 albatross.

Toys That Clip onto the Car Seat or Stroller We've never seen a baby play with those brightly colored intellectually stimulating toys. We see adults jiggle them around. We've even seen dogs go for them. But no babies, not a single one, has ever been captivated by them for more than five seconds. Babies seem to be a lot more interested in crinkly paper.

Monogrammed Bibs and Burp Cloths No doubt you will need plenty of bibs and burp cloths. What you don't need is to get carried away buying them. One good meal, particularly the strained peas and carrots or mystery meat entree, and you'll wish you'd saved your money and bought something cheaper.

Hooded Towels Your baby will look like the Gerber baby all wrapped up in his beautiful hooded fifty dollar bath towel with the zebra stripes and ears attached to the hood. Problem is the hooded towels are usually much thicker than other baby towels and thus bulkier and harder to handle when carrying a squirming child from his bath to the changing table. Also, with any luck, your baby will continue to grow. After just a few short months, the baby's hooded towel will be useless unless he's headed to the Sahara Desert and needs something to keep his head and neck covered.

Clothes We know they're incredibly cute and it's hard to resist buying pink ballerina outfits, but please refrain. Go to used clothing stores or garage sales. See if any friends with babies older than yours would like to part with their used clothes. We bet they will. And it's not like your child will know the difference between first-and third-generation sleepers. Only get a few outfits in each size because your baby will grow out of them quickly. Rely on the grandparent factor. We'll talk more about it a little later.

Fancy Stroller or Car Seat If you have the money and like the status (we like designer brands just like everyone else) go for it. If you don't, the generic, government-approved one is just as good. The biggest things the fancy ones have going for them is they've been featured in US Weekly US Weekly with a celebrity mom. You are most likely not a celebrity trying to keep up with your peers. Plus, those big pricey strollers aren't lightweight or easy to a.s.semble. They're bulky, heavy, and could sever a toe if you're not careful. That means they're not for those of us who have maybe one free hand to get the stroller from compact to road worthy before our babies start crying. with a celebrity mom. You are most likely not a celebrity trying to keep up with your peers. Plus, those big pricey strollers aren't lightweight or easy to a.s.semble. They're bulky, heavy, and could sever a toe if you're not careful. That means they're not for those of us who have maybe one free hand to get the stroller from compact to road worthy before our babies start crying.

Soothing Chairs From the moment a newborn belts out his first inconsolable wail we mothers become obsessed with finding ways to calm him. For some reason rocking and vibrating are the Ambien of the infant set. Soothing chairs promise to vibrate your baby into sweet sleep oblivion. Unfortunately, they don't always work. Monica knows this firsthand. She bought every model on the market. Her baby still screamed his head off, only now he was strapped down in a vibrating chair. He looked like the victim of shock therapy. Her mother told her to put the baby on top of the dryer because its vibrations should calm him. Didn't work. He kept crying, only now he was on top of a dryer in a less than attractive little room. Monica found that the car was the surefire sleep inducer. As soon as she put him in and drove a couple miles he was sound asleep. Granted, it can be tricky to remove a sleeping infant from a car but if you're motivated and sleep deprived enough you can contort yourself into any position needed. A car is a very expensive baby accessory, but we a.s.sume you have one anyway.

Shoes Babies don't walk. Babies like to put their feet in their mouths. They don't like things on their feet. Do you know how many baby socks we've found littering the ground because junior didn't want them on? Plus babies don't really have ankles to help keep socks up. Given all this information, shoes and fancy socks are a big waste of money. We know they're cute. They're miniature, wee little things. Tiny Timberland boots, patent-leather Mary Janes, and frilly lacy socks are precious and expensive, not practical.

Baby Wipe Warmers Read any new mother guide these days or baby shower wish list and you'll see baby wipe warmers make the Top Ten list. In spirit, they remind us of the warm washcloths they put on your face at the spa. Getting baby accustomed to spa treatments is fine. What's not so great is paying for the privilege. Sure, it's only twenty bucks, but twenty bucks here and there adds up. It's a nonessential item. Do yourself a favor and quiz your friends on what other things they find not worthy of owning. Some of our friends swear that bottle warmers are totally useless. Others say that the bouncy swings weren't worth the bother. Several say the baby bathtubs are a waste of time. They prefer the inflatable bather that fits into the bathtub. Other controversial items include: remote baby fever monitors, crib CD players, expensive cribs, and silver rattles. We recommend evaluating all of these items and after a thorough vetting deciding on a couple to try. You can always buy more later if you find you need them.

Maternity Clothes Go to used clothing stores. Look on eBay. Check out consignment shops and Goodwills in the nice part of town. Ask girlfriends if they still have their clothes. You'll find you will wear the same favorite pieces over and over again. Pregnancy clothing lasts for fewer days than the most time-sensitive fads. We know one woman, Jessica, who learned the hard way. She decided she wasn't going to be one of those women who wear stretched-out cotton shirts and ill-fitting sweatpants. She invested in $200 sequined strapless tops and low-rider designer jeans. She sh.e.l.led out $500 for fluttery c.o.c.ktail dresses. Jessica diagrammed out glamorous pregnancy outfits for nine months. Know what happened? Midway through her pregnancy she reverted to the cotton shirts and sweatpants because they were comfortable and she wasn't a movie star who had to worry about photo shoots. No matter how much of a fashionista you were in your previous life, pregnancy turns you into a creature who craves comfort.

HOW TO VET BABY GEAR* Ask your mother and siblings and friends with kids what they liked.* Check out books like Baby Bargains Baby Bargains by Denise Fields and Alan Fields and by Denise Fields and Alan Fields and The Girlfriend's Guide to Baby Gear The Girlfriend's Guide to Baby Gear by Vicki Iovine and Peg Rosen. Monica loved both of these. by Vicki Iovine and Peg Rosen. Monica loved both of these.* Peruse Consumer Reports Best Baby Products Consumer Reports Best Baby Products. It's a great resource for newborn baby gear.* Pick the items that multiple people list as their favorites.* On items that get mixed reviews, it's a judgment call. Do you really want it? If it doesn't break the bank get it.

Economizing Purgatory If it's torture for you to economize like this, allow yourself one big splurge. Look at it at night. Fawn over it. Promise yourself you won't do it again. Monica's splurge was a Kate Spade designer diaper bag. She loved it. She ogled it adoringly when there was no designer item she could fit into. It gave her solace when she went out to lunch and saw sleek, slender never-been-pregnant women with flat stomachs and skinny thighs prance by. She took comfort in owning and carrying one pretty thing-other than the baby-with her at all times. Choose your splurge wisely. Make sure you get maximum usage from your object of desire.

The Grandparent Factor We can't emphasize enough how much your parents and in-laws will fawn over you and the grandchild to be, especially if it's the first grandchild. a.s.suming you're on good terms with your parents, it's almost like they've had a direct infusion of pregnancy hormones. They become emotional and irrational.

One grandmother we know got so into her granddaughter that she hired her decorator to design the little girl's room. We're talking built-in bookshelves, coordinating bed linens, and rose-themed accents. It was nicer than the rest of the house.

Another grandmother purchased a tiny white fur coat with pom-poms for her new granddaughter. The baby and her parents lived in Florida but came up to New York for Christmas.

Trust us, any kind of cute and totally impractical object will be like catnip for grandparents.

They may have more time to check out garage sales and sales at stores. More importantly, there's a little known fact about grandparents: They have a hidden network. Their friends bought toys, car seats, and high chairs for their grandchildren for their visits. The stories of these visits are what prompted your parents to ask you again and again when you were going to have children. Now it's payback time.

Your parents' friends' grandchildren have outgrown the stuff and they're looking for a place to dump it. You could be that place. You deserve it for all the unnecessary attempts to jump-start your biological clock. You know what we're talking about-the annoying phone conversations that invariably wound their way around to the subject of your fertility and understanding of s.e.x, especially of how babies are made.

Other Ways to Save Take your lunch to work. If you spend just six dollars a day on going out to lunch for thirty years you waste $100,000. If you have an expense account, that's a different story, by all means live it up while you can.

If you're a card writer, choose personal note cards instead of birthday cards. Note cards are about $1 each. Birthday cards cost up to $5 each.

Look for sales. Some Web sites let you know what stores have the best deals on certain items each week. Web sites like www.cairo.com track advertised sales at stores like Target and Wal-Mart. You can also get information on sales items at track advertised sales at stores like Target and Wal-Mart. You can also get information on sales items at www.Froogle.com.

Sign up for an automobile safety cla.s.s. Doing them can reduce your car insurance premium by at least 5 percent. Yes, they're boring, but you can take them by renting DVDs. Plus, when you do it you'll feel dorky and responsible, almost parental-in a good way.

When you do go out to eat, take advantage of the cards offered, where if you buy ten you get one free. Lots of sandwich shops offer these deals. You might not be a sandwich person now, but when you're pregnant you migrate toward comfort foods. Every day during Monica's second pregnancy, she'd stop by a cafe and grab a piece of cake. She saved a lot by getting every tenth slice free.

None of this sounds s.e.xy. When we see people get their sandwich cards punched at the deli we judge. How can any normal human remember to bring their card to the deli? How do they keep hold of it? We think they must be a.n.a.l-retentive accountant stereotypes because we can't keep track of such things, at least not in our typical day-to-day life. But this isn't normal life. This is life in savings mode. All bets and jokes are off.

3.

Departure Strategies Leaving the Office Door Open and Smoothing Over Family Relations When you announce you're quitting your job, it'll feel like an emotional bomb went off in your life. You'll feel ripples in every relationship. Coworkers, family members, and friends will all have their own bedrock beliefs about what you should do. Some will subtly lobby you to try to win you over to their views. Others will all-out a.s.sault you. They might even call you stupid. A segment of your support network will support you wholeheartedly.

There are two tricks to navigating the next few months-figuring out who owns what opinion and how to leave each person and situation positively, meaning no blood loss or screaming matches. Avoiding unpleasantness, even if you have to hold your tongue in some instances, is important for a couple reasons. You can't fire your family. You need your friends. The coworkers will help you when you want to go back to work.

In a sense you need to craft a public relations strategy. You have to figure out what motivates all the different people in your life and then decide how to interact with them.

WHEN'S THE BEST TIME TO BREAK IT TO THE BOSS?

Bosses are people we all have to "handle." From day one at the job we try to ferret out common interests, pa.s.sions that can be turned into Christmas presents, for example, a love of chocolate, and other ways to win their affections so that when a job opens up we will be promoted.

Bosses can be touchy about pregnancy.

A lot of them view it as a wrecking ball that crashes through their calm division of labor and schedules. Many of them are going to think that as soon as you announce you're pregnant, you're mentally checking out. They think you'll be a bundle of hormones and sickness. That you're just as likely to surf the Internet for cribs as do real work. They think this is another problem in a long litany of problems that they have to deal with throughout the day, except this is a nine-month ticking time bomb of a problem. You are an inconvenience to them.

Others will be more encouraging. They'll give you everything you ask for and more. When you have a boss like that do everything you can to continue to work for her, and if you quit, stay in contact. Those bosses are hard to find. They're keepers.

One male architect we talked to said his firm has the att.i.tude that if you get pregnant and leave the firm you are somehow deserting the firm, but if you cut down on work because you are sick or a parent is dying it's okay.

A vice president at a toy manufacturer said that pregnant women think they are the only ones who have ever been with child before. They act like there should be a bubble of sensitivity around them at all times. They take advantage of their situation. They give in to morning sickness and constant tiredness too easily, p.a.w.ning their work off on others.

"You won't tolerate the kind of absenteeism you get from pregnant women from anyone else," she said.

Whenever a woman comes into her office and breaks the news that she's going to have a baby, the boss inwardly cringes because she knows that she's going to have to shift time-sensitive work to other employees. If the woman has some form of morning sickness, which she probably will, she won't be in the office on a regular basis. She starts racking her brain on what's the better option-to hire a temporary employee or try to do without while the employee is on maternity leave. Then there's the issue of waiting while the woman is on maternity leave to see whether she'll come back to work or not.

"It's a major headache," she said, "The world doesn't stop because you conceived."

So, when is the best time to announce the news to your boss? Once you've planned it all out.

By planning, we mean decide, as much as you can, what you want: Are you not going back to work? Do you want to try part time? Do you want to work on special projects occasionally? Do you want to work with the company again in the future?

If you said yes to any of these questions figure out how to pitch these scenarios to show how they will benefit your boss.

For example, Lisa, an environmental consultant for an engineering firm, figured out that her firm needed her connections with the Environmental Protection Agency. She knew that they needed her to travel. She realized that they had a lot invested in her career because they had made her partner a year before she got pregnant. She came up with a plan that allowed her to take six months off, go back to work part time, and travel when required. She scheduled a meeting with her boss, presented her requests in writing, and reminded him of her relationship with the EPA. She told him she felt strongly about committing time to her child before he went to nursery school and would return to work full time in three years. The boss went for it because Lisa is an incredibly hard worker and the firm had done part time for another woman a year before and it went very well.

When she got pregnant with her second child, Elaine, a human resources specialist, decided to leave work. The children were going to be only fifteen months apart. She thought with two little ones at home, working full time would be insane. Plus she wanted to be part of their personality-forming years. She broke the news to her boss over lunch when she was four months pregnant. She told her she'd help find a replacement and work for as long as the company needed. She only asked for one thing-quarterly dinners with her boss to keep up to speed on the industry. Elaine knew she'd want to come back someday.

Diane, an accountant, knew as soon as she found out she was pregnant that she wanted to stay home with her child. She had her babies' names picked out when she was in junior high and she stuck with them-Madeline and Sam. She told her boss she was pregnant at three months and that she wouldn't be coming back after she gave birth. She offered to work during tax season as an independent contractor and when they needed extra help in general. She offered to accept a pay rate that was cheaper than her hourly salary and pointed out it was an even better deal than at first glance because it wouldn't include benefits.

All these women had a few traits in common:

* They knew their company's policies on pregnancies and maternity leave.* They wrote up their own proposals.* They framed their ideas in relation to what was in the best interest of their bosses.* They didn't promise more than they could deliver.* They asked for structured time to talk to their bosses.* Their bosses were the first at work to know about their pregnancies.

Never tell your coworkers before your boss. You don't want to take the chance that someone might accidentally let your boss know before you tell her or that your boss will find out you told the whole office before you told him. No one likes to be the last one to be let in on a secret. Think PR. It's all about how the news is presented.

Callie brought cupcakes with little babies on them to work to announce her pregnancy. Danica sent out an animated e-mail with a crawling baby. Fiona invited colleagues to lunch.

You need to rea.s.sure your boss that you'll be a hundred percent while at work. You have to tell her you'll help find your replacement. You'll work for however long he needs you to. You'll juggle while you pour coffee and tap dance.

Don't let your boss know you're nauseous and tired if you can help it. Trust us, we've talked to lots of bosses who tell us as soon as they hear a woman's pregnant they write her off. They shift a.s.signments to other coworkers. Prove them wrong. If you do, it will help your friends and later on your daughters. You're helping define how people view pregnant working women. Make all of us look good.

Don't use pregnancy as a perennial sick day. We interviewed one woman, Ally, who was incredibly nauseous during her second pregnancy. She tried saltines, ginger ale, acupuncture, and even medication, but nothing worked. She threw up all the time. She had to go to the hospital twice to get rehydrated. All this drama was swirling around her health but no one at work knew it. She showed up on time and partic.i.p.ated in all meetings. She accomplished projects ahead of schedule. Ally said the biggest differences people around her noticed were that she went to the bathroom a lot (to throw up) and her breathing was deeper. She says that changing her breathing did the most to alleviate the nausea.

As soon as she gave birth the nausea went away. Ally says dealing with an infant seemed like a breeze after living with perpetual sickness.

We're not saying you have to go to the lengths Ally did, but you need to be a little stronger than normal.

If you're sure you're not coming back, don't take maternity leave.

Sure it might be tempting to get that extra money but your colleagues will resent you and your boss won't be too happy either. Really and truly this is the number one pet peeve of bosses and companies everywhere. Women say they're coming back and then they don't. They sap money and productivity from the company in two ways. One, there's the money the company pays in salary and health insurance during the leave. Two, there's the money and time it's costing the company to keep the slot open for the woman to return to work. Who do you think does the work when you go away? That's right, your ever-cheery colleagues. They are the very people you may want to network with when you go back into the workforce. If you leave them in the lurch, they won't be so happy to help. So as soon as you know you're not coming back let your boss know.

That said, if you don't know if you're coming back and your boss is ha.s.sling you about it, be honest. Tell him you're torn and you're trying to make the best decision possible. a.s.sure him that as soon as you know what you want to do, he'll know.

"WHY ARE YOU THROWING UP IN MY TRASH CAN?"

Morning sickness and mood swings are big hints to coworkers that you're pregnant. As soon as our friend Jill took a bite of toast in the morning she knew she had twenty minutes before she threw up. She raced to her car and sped to work. Ironically, she worked at a food manufacturer.

She learned what time the parking lot was most isolated-8:25 A.M. She figured out exactly where to park so that she would have access to enough trashcans to throw up in between her car door and the front door to the building. She discovered the location of empty offices in case she couldn't quite make it to her desk in time.

Once she safely reached her office, she would close the door, sit at her desk, take deep breaths, and remain planted there until the waves of nausea pa.s.sed. She initiated a policy that excluded her from morning meetings, which is a big hint to the pregnancy informed. She told her secretary she worked best on her computer in the mornings even though that hadn't been the case a month ago.

On one occasion her secretary found her taking a nap at her desk. Her head was tilted back and a full-throated snore emanated from her mouth.

The secretary shook her awake.

"You're pregnant, aren't you?" she asked excitedly.

She swore her secretary to secrecy.

It was tough going. A few times a day the secretary popped into Jill's office to talk about the pregnancy. Jill's concentration suffered as her desire to talk about the merits of breast-versus bottle-feeding rose.

She noticed the secretary gossiping with other employees and looking her way a couple times. She knew it was a matter of days before the whole office knew, so she spilled the news. Turns out most of the office already figured it out and it wasn't because of the secretary. Seems her vomiting wasn't as discreet as she thought it was.

Rather than being found out, like Jill, it's best to do a preemptive strike. Tell people you're pregnant before you start to show or throw up in the company trash bins. This way you can control the spin.

COWORKER PSYCHOLOGY.

Your coworkers are hugely important in your returning to work someday strategy.

When you've been out of work for a couple years an e-mail to old coworkers can bring you up to date on what's going on in your industry. At a casual lunch, they can peruse your resume and edit out old-fashioned language. Even if you think you'll never go back into the same industry, it's good to have options, so don't upset them when you exit.

You'll probably know you're going to leave for a few months before you actually do. During the remaining weeks you have left in your job you can reposition yourself. Write down a list of the people you work with: Next to each name jot down the relationship you'd like to have with that person before you quit. Next to that write a couple of specific things you can do to achieve that relationship (e.g., have coffee together once a week). Look at the list throughout the week to keep your goals present when you're at work.

Candace did this and turned around a rocky relationship with a coworker who had held a grudge against her for years. The coworker hadn't liked Candace since she overheard Candace gossip about what she was wearing at an office party. Ever since then, the woman went out of her way not to do Candace any favors, including not giving her the notes or even an oral summary of a meeting Candace missed.

"We had a cold war brewing for years," Candace said.

That all changed over a period of weeks. Candace began by complimenting what the woman was wearing. At first, the woman looked at Candace suspiciously, remembering Candace's previous criticism of her clothes, but Candace kept it up. Eventually the woman looked pleased by the compliments. Candace took things a step further and invited the woman to lunch and they found they had a few things in common. They loved yoga and harbored a mutual disdain for their current boss. They formed a friendship that was crucial to Candace when she returned to work a few years after quitting to stay home with her children.

In addition to forging closer relationships with your coworkers, you should a.s.sure each one of them you're not going to slack off. If you take maternity leave you should square as much away before you go as possible so they don't have much to cover you on. Now is the time to start storing up favors and the goodwill of the whole office: Do the undesirable a.s.signments; come in early and leave late; restock the printer paper or make the community coffee; bring in doughnuts for everyone in the morning.

People remember your exit. You want to leave them with a good impression because when you want to go back to work these are the people you'll probably be calling.

COWORKER RIVALRY.

Coworkers are best compared to siblings. You didn't choose them but you have to live with them. You may have been blessed with some you truly love and would voluntarily hang out with in your off hours, or you may be cursed with the kind where you wish you could limit your interactions to once-a-year visitations. Many will fall somewhere in between the two ends of the spectrum.

We're warning you that there are pregnancy-specific coworker traits that only become readily apparent after you announce your news. Pregnancy brings out all kinds of complicated emotions in just about everyone, though they won't admit it. To some it makes you the walking wounded, vulnerable to professional attack. To others you become more relatable and sympathetic.

There are a few tried-and-true cla.s.sifications that we and many of the women we interviewed encountered. We list them below.

Breeds of Coworker The Hungry Wolves These are the young and childless. Their mindset is that the longer you work, the harder and better you're working. They pride themselves in staying at the office until seven or eight or later and then going out as a group for drinks until late in the evening. They like to regroup over the weekend and go to baseball games or get together on Sunday nights for dinner and to talk office politics. They eat, breathe, and sleep work.

Amanda was part of this cohort until she got pregnant. Then her work style seemed like an endurance contest she no longer wanted to compete in. It was way too focused on career. When she started to pull back, her coworkers saw her as a liability-someone who was no longer a player. The more cutthroat of the group sniffed opportunity and used her condition as a wedge to pry her away from her job. They talked up her "lack of commitment" and made the boss believe she was no longer invested in her job.